Monday, November 8, 2010

Controller of MY Future

We all say that we “live with no regrets” because “our past makes us who we are”.  Whether you regret decisions you have made or not, your past WILL make you who you are, because, well, that’s just how life works.

I normally tell people that same BS line.

Truth is? I totally have regrets.

Regret #1: Not telling my douche-bag sperm donor to hit the road sooner.  I’m not going to go into the whole deal, but with him out of my life the past year, it has been peaceful and without heartache. I am blessed to have my stepdad, he rocks and I love him a TON.

Regret #2: Moving home after undergrad while in medical school.  Maybe, had I spent the extra money to live on my own, I would have been more focused and stuck it out.  I was always distracted by the people and things going on at home that I probably would not have been had I lived somewhere else. 

Regret #3: Not listening to my gut when it said “medical school is not for you”. My gut said this in undergrad, the first year of medical school, during year one take two and almost every day of year 2.  I just stuck it out, told myself YES this is what I want to do because everyone else kept saying that it is what I wanted to do.  What I WANT to do is work with the public, to teach them and to make a difference.  That does NOT have to mean being a doctor.  My heart is in working with people, I just wish I would have realized it 100k in student loans ago.

Regret #4: Not taking charge of my marriage sooner.  Last year was one of the worst married years we have had (which equals 1/3rd of them). One of the worst years as a couple, actually.  Bad things happened because neither of us were present in our relationship, neither of us were communicating and one of us was misbehaving while the other was disconnected completely.  I just went along with the shit and the frustration because I thought HE should have to work on it. It is OUR marriage, why I didn’t take ownership of it at that time, I really don’t know.  In the past 4 months, things have gotten exponentially better to the point where those bad memories are just that – memories and the curves that life has thrown at us lately are just road bumps in the scheme of it all. 

Regret #5: Not listening to myself. As if you haven’t noticed this trend from the previous regrets.  I have a bad habit of letting too many people influence my choices in life.  It has come back to bite me in nearly every aspect of my life.

So here’s the thing – I have made stupid decisions. I have lived my life doing what OTHER people said I should do. I have been a poor communicator. I have been walked on by people that I never though I would be. I have lost friends because they weren’t really friends after all.  I have let people disappoint me to the point of tears and anger. 

I AM better, stronger, healthier for it.

But going forward, I am doing what is best for ME (well, me and my family now). I am saying what I need to say, when I need to say it and not pushing my frustrations, fears, apprehensions under the rug.  I am realizing it is okay to be unsure, scared, honest and bold.  I am working REALLY hard to take the mistakes and poor judgments I have made in the past and turn them into an amazing future.

The biggest lesson I have learned – is to take others’ opinions into consideration but make MY opinion the one that counts. 

It’s my future, and I am going to own it!



Esperanza said...

love! loVE! LOVE! This post. We all have regrets, but if we can learn from the choices we wish we had made differently, and we can see why other choices would have been better, they can make us better people. That is the most important thing. Regrets are only bad if we let them fester and take hold of us, but it doesn't sound like you're doing that at all. Those sound more like lessons learned than anything else. And lessons learned are a good thing.

Kakunaa said...

You go girl!!! FANTASTIC post.

Lora said...

If we don't learn from our mistakes we are just destined to repeat them. Good for you taking this look at your regrets and choosing to focus on what to learn from them instead of letting them control your life.

Rebecca said...

#5 is something that we all suck at when we're young and get better at as we learn our's so hard though!

Love this honest!

JJ said...

Again, I can relate to SO MUCH of this post--I look forward to reading your blog every day, because its like you are inside my head!

#4 was us 2 years ago...and wow, I dont like those memories.

Way to go for taking charge!

Danifred said...

I think not dwelling on regrets is one of the hardest thing to do. I get so angry at myself when I think back on some of my mistakes. But yes, they made me who I am today.