Trenches

Let’s get real here for a second: Life has been a whirlwind the past 8 months. So many things have happened in such a short period of time: new baby, new jobs, no jobs, more new jobs, school, growth, not much sleep, etc. etc. etc.

They say this season of life, the season with all the babies/toddlers/preschoolers/elementary school kids and any combination of the above, is “the trenches” and I’m here to say YES! YES IT IS!

I knew this, of course, but for some reason this particular season feels even more trench like. I would guess it has to do with all of the other life that’s happened along the way too.

It’s been crazy. Beautiful. Difficult. Crazier. Joyful. Sleepless. And usually all at the same time.

I’ve had to reallllllly tamper my expectations the past few weeks – because on top of the season of life that is keeping us hopping (seriously, I forgot how busy 7/8 month old crawling babies can be and I had no idea how busy 8 year olds can be!) the actual season is keeping us hopping! Work is busy, life is busy, the kids are busy, and everyone is crankier than normal which is making things a touch more difficult. I’ve had so many hard parenting moments/days that I question what in the world I am doing raising these 4 little humans.

After I posted a picture on Instagram yesterday, a bright moment in a particularly difficult day for no particular reason, a good friend mentioned that I was in the trenches and another good friend commented about how no matter what happened, it was enough. Both things resonated with me – because, they are both so right! Whatever gets accomplished in a day IS enough, and whatever doesn’t, it will be there tomorrow. I might not like that it didn’t get done, but that’s okay (right?!) and I also realized that I am most certainly not giving myself enough room to breathe.

What I mean is, I am doing essentially zero in the way of self-care. I need to practice what I preach to others in this area and figure out what will help me. I literally do not have enough hours in the day to do all the things I need or want to do, if I want to also sleep a little. One thing I do, but maybe not enough, is to pray/meditate and also to up my essential oil usage – because a little bit of frankincense or some orange on a diffuser bracelet honest to goodness DOES help me stay grounded and calm when I really need it.

Here’s what I want to know after all my rambling – how long were you “in the trenches” and what did you do to get yourself through it when it felt extra tough?

Related: Whoever “they” are that said having a 4th kiddo is no more difficult than having a 3rd – I challenge that thought because while he is fantastic and wonderful, it has been much harder than I thought adding this 4th one into the mix. Good thing he is so freaking adorable!

alright, and these three are pretty cute too!

Survival Mode: Newborn + 3

I have written SO MANY blog posts since Samuel has been born, in my head. I really hate that I don’t have an efficent way to post from my phone because by the time I have 3 minutes to get on my computer I’ve forgotten the funny/sacrastic/deep thing I wanted to blog about!

Which brings us to where we are at currently: Survival Mode. The newborn period (honestly, for me it’s until somewhere between 4 and 6 months) is just survival – are all of the humans who live here dressed (defined as having some article of clothing covering their body, I’ve given up on matching)? Fed (defined as having consumed some amount of food for the day)? Bathed (on a somewhat regular basis) (you can define “somewhat regular” for yourself)? Obviously I knew having another baby would throw off our routine and force us all into a new normal but it is feeling like a very long journey to “normal” as we’ve had SO SO MUCH happening since Samuel was born I find it hard to belive it was less than 3 months ago that he joined us. I know lots happens on an ongonig basis in a big family but seriously, since he was born on April 9 the following have occurred:

• Gianna’s birthday
• Easter
• Gianna’s first communion
• Gianna’s softball season started and ended
• Gianna and Aleesia finished dance and had their recital
• Mother’s Day
• Mine and both of my sister’s birthdays
• School ended for Gianna and Aleesia
• Father’s Day
• Dance camps
• VBS
• Vivian’s half birthday (very important!)
• Mike got a new job
• Several different doctor, dentist and chiro appointments
• My sister’s baby shower
• I ran a race
• And more that I am sure I am forgetting!!

It’s been a little overwhelming just making sure the laundry is done and the dishes are clean in a timely manner let alone the other regular and irregular things that pop up. And I really did forget how demanding it is to basically live your live in 2-hour increments between nursing sessions. And those 2-hours really turn in to about 1-hour by the time he’s done nursing, burprd, diaper changed, I’ve gotten myself a drink or gone to the bathroom or something.

I have so many pictures to share, things to discuss and/or write down for memory keeping purposes, questions to ask and not enough brain power/energy/time to do all that I want. I am constantly reminded in a variety of ways to give myself grace, re-examine my expectations and re-evaluate my “needs” versus my “wants” in order to make the most out of our life/time/etc.

I haven’t even had time to make birth announcements of his seriously AMAZING newborn pictures (maybe some day I’ll share a few!) but I do intend to do it and send them out even if they are 3 months late!

Every single day is a new challange managing 4 different personalities/needs/wants/requirements. We are starting to really see some differences based on age (8 year olds do NOT like to do things that 4 year olds do, as I am regularly reminded as of late) which just adds a new challenge to overcome. The girls do SO GREAT with Samuel and they also do great with the chores/responsibilities they each have – they don’t always like when Samuel cries or helping aroudn the house, but they tolerate it and get things done (with many prompts at times, but still) which is a huge help to me even when they don’t do things “my” way.

Overall, I think we are doing ok with this whole family of 6 thing so far– my voice is louder and my patience is thinner than I want it to be more often than I’d like to admit but we do have a lot of good moments and we do our best. No day ends without apologies for whatever didn’t go right that day, hugs, kisses and I love you’s and prayers for a better day tomorrow.

This really IS the life I never knew I wanted, even when I’m barely hanging on!

Practicing Grace

We were recently at a park with the girls and Mike and I noticed a set of parents pushing a double stroller and a single – I smiled at them thinking to myself what a full life they have right now. The mom stopped me on our way out to the car and asked what the age difference in our kids was, she thought they might all be 2 years apart, like hers, and she was so honest with me (a perfect stranger)– asking, when does this get easier?!  It turns out her kiddos were 3.5, 2 and 1 month old – and I told her, just as honestly, that it won’t feel easier for a while but then one day she’ll realize that it just IS easier than it was the day before. I encouraged her to keep doing everything she was already doing and when there was a moment of quiet in the chaos to hang on to it and remember it when that chaos ramped back up because she was doing a great job.

This season of life, it is so difficult to navigate some days (and by some, I mean a lot) and can feel so lonely. I am a little bummed that we were at an out of town park or I totally would have asked her to meet me for coffee or back at the park but I hope that quick conversation helped to keep her going the next time she was feeling the heat of taking care of three little ones.

That encounter has been on my mind for the last week or so, mostly because despite being surrounded by a truly wonderful, supportive village - there are a lot of times that I still feel very alone and isolated.  As hard as I try to make sure everyone (& that includes me) is respectful, following the rules, being kind and helpful there are just (so many) moments where that doesn’t happen & I find myself feeling so defeated and thinking “why can’t we all just get along.” Moments of the day where these three blue-eyed beauties are truly running right over me – and then doing it all over again.

I’ve found myself lately really beating myself up for the moments that don’t go well and that just isn’t fair at all - I need to remember the advise that I gave that mom at the park – to find a memory of peace and joy to hang on to as I pull everyone through a tantrum & then pat myself on the back (really quickly) for a job well done when the chaos subsides.

It can be hard though, we dwell on the things that don’t go as we hoped way too much instead of the things that went perfectly. In the middle of one of those especially chaotic moments between the hours of 4:30 & 8 I heard the lyrics “it won’t be like this for long” and just cried a little – because it won’t. It won’t be this type of toddler/preschool/early elementary school chaos for long – it will be replaced by something else, I am certain, but someday the chaos won’t be followed-up by dance parties and sweet toddler snuggles.

For now, I need to remember to practice grace (for me and in my parenting), to remember it’s okay to lean in on my village when I need it and that it really won’t be like this for long – these moment’s don’t last forever and whatever frustration is happening will be gone soon.

So, I’m reminding you too – give yourself grace, you are doing the best job & if today didn’t go the way you wanted, tomorrow is a new day. We’re in this together – raising up awesome little humans and also raising ourselves (& our spouses & friends) up as we continue to grow in life.

And if everyone could be as happy as Aleesia is when she gets her face painted like a cat, the world would be a much smilier place!

Staying in the Zone

In case no one has informed you, being married can be hard work. Keeping someone else as your priority is hard.  Especially when you have 1 (almost 2) little someone-else’s who depend on both of you.

Mike and I (and probably most married people) go through peeks and valleys, we are totally in sync for awhile and then we let life take over and get out of sync.  Right now? we are hovering somewhere in between leaving toward the out of sync side.

I am about 90% certain that has to do with the whole, the baby will be here soon and we have to get things ready for her, scenario.  And that I am totally mentally exhausted by the time I get home from work.  the other 10% has to do with some other stress we are dealing with that, again, is just a part of life and we simply need to get through it.  But it isn’t helping things that is FOR SURE.

After Gianna was born, we went from hovering in this in between space to way off the grid disconnected.  A constantly crying baby has a way of totally throwing you off your game!  We both know that we don’t want to get to that place again.  But I think that both of us are sort of having a hard time figuring out how exactly to stay away from there – how to stay in the zone, so to speak.

Our lives (all three of us) are about to get shaken up in a big way – I know that right now I am super emotional and I get annoyed and frustrated at nothing.  I also know that after this peanut arrives, it will be more of the same – only I will be home with her and Gianna AND Mike most of the time.  This will be good for a minute, but I just have a feeling that in the end – all of that togetherness will be a problem!  We have a unique situation in that he is the stay at home parent and I am not – so I’ll be here wanting to do all the stay at home mom stuff and he’ll be here too…..getting in my way… helping.

What’s the trick for staying in the zone – anytime, really – but especially when you are going through such a huge change?  I’d love to hear some tips on staying sane as a couple and as parents when you are adding additional little people to your life.  It’ll all work out in the end, but you know, I’d rather it not get worse before it gets better.

I know the dynamics of every couple are different.  I am incredibly terrible at communicating my feelings (I like to assume he KNOWS how I feel, but almost six years of marriage later and I know that doesn’t happen) and also incredibly terrible at showing physical affection – I’m just not an overly affectionate person, I guess.

Medical Drama Tuesdays

It’s apparently a new thing around our house.

You see, last Tuesday I got a call from Gianna’s preschool (which I missed. twice. because I was in a very long auditing meeting) saying “don’t worry, but we think she needs stitches”. And I instantly burst into tears – because my baby was just SITTING there crying in the office waiting for her mommy to come and get her. And mommy was at work.  So, we got to her about 40 minutes later and once I saw her – I knew that yes, she did need stitches.

She is quite graceful, my little girl.  Turns out she tripped over another kids foot and hit her eyebrow the wrong way on the table.

So we did the whole ER thing.

(because our Children’s urgent care doesn’t open until 4pm. clearly nothing urgent happens to kids before then.)

((and I got pulled over on the way to the ER. so that was fun.  bleeding children do get you out of tickets though, FYI))

(((Also, I had no band aids or other first aid necessities so I just let her little face bleed all over the waiting room until it was our turn. I did wipe the blood off every once in awhile, I’m not an animal after all.)))

It wasn’t so bad – she took the stitches like a champ and got a purple popsicle that matched her outfit to show for it.  Her stitches are dissolvable, which THANK GOODNESS we don’t have to go through the trauma of having them removed – because removing the band aid off her face was traumatic enough.

Yesterday, Gianna had a dentist appointment. And it turns out we are not so awesome at brushing her teeth and she is also an awesome apple juice guzzler so she has to go back a week from today to have 2 cavities filled.  And I won’t be there to hold her hand because, you know, work.  But daddy will be there and I am sure she will rock that experience out as well.

Which brings us to this Tuesday's medical drama.  Clearly baby sister was feeling a little left out, after all with her pretty medically uneventful gestation process she hasn’t really stirred up any issues like her big sister.  Until today.  I had some spotting over the weekend, but nothing crazy and I really didn’t think anything of it until I noticed some light bleeding/heavier spotting this morning.  Which ended in my OB squeezing me in for an ultrasound (all is good, she is going to have chubby cheeks!) and a really long time in the waiting room for the doctor to say – sometimes these things happen, take it easy, call us if anything changes.

Not any kind of BIG drama, thankfully, but enough to stir up the hormones a little bit. And to get my boss pretty anxious over the whole – well, she really IS going to be having a baby sooner than later and HOLY SHIT we have no idea when that could actually happen. Which, I totally feel his pain on that.  But thankfully, I work for super awesome people who let me go to appointments whenever I need to and offered to give me the rest of the week off (which, was sweet, but impossible considering I need to bank those vacation hours for when the baby does come).

I’m hoping after next weeks cavity filling we are done with this very unfavorable Medical Drama Tuesday trend.

Overwhelmed and Underprepared

There are less than 16 15 weeks until we have a new person living in our house. A new little tiny itty bitty person.

FIFTEEN WEEKS!

And when you think about what is going to happen in those 15 weeks (lots of packed weekends, bradley classes, halloween, thanksgiving, christmas, new years, family birthdays, work, etc. etc. etc.) they are going to FLY right past us just like the last twenty something weeks have.

When I am overwhelmed I make lists. And the other day at work, after I started freaking out and having myself a very quiet little pity party/cry fest at my desk, that’s what I did. And I emailed it to Mike, who thought I was just a little bit crazy but also started to feel a little of my OHMYGAWD we have a lot of shit to do-ness that I have been feeling. 

We got rid of a lot of things after we had Gianna/moved/got pissed at not getting pregnant (okay, that part was all me) but also – a lot of things were just worn out (or were second hand to begin with). and some things, this new baby gets fresh!

I present to you, the list (not in any order of importance) ((complete with my stream of consciousness notes to mike!)) (((we are very not prepared))):

Things to buy sooner (for the girls):

• New bottles (we got rid of ours)
• New pacifiers (again, got rid of)
• warmer clothes in newborn & 0-3 months
• Size newborn & size 1 diapers & wipes (maybe re-sign up for amazon mom?)
• heavier weight swaddle-me/swaddling blankets (do we really need this??)
• lovie for baby (from Gianna)
• humidifier
• sound / white noise machine (bear??)
• Changing pad for dresser. (something for upstairs too???)
• diaper genie & refills
• Big sister gift (what to get????)
• boppy & cover (did i let someone borrow ours??)
• baby meds 
• rock & play (or borrow)
• more baby hangers
• burp clothes, bibs, baby wash rags, towels, changing pad covers
• I have no idea what else we need…….

Things to buy soon-ish (for me/mike/house)

• glider/rocker for the nursery
• feminine hygiene stuff (yay…)
• nursing stuff (what the heck do i need???)
• wine for when the baby comes home.... beer for mike.... (joking. sort of. not really)
• pump??
• nursing cover
• moby or something like that? (or borrow??)
• living room storage solution (where are we going to put everything??)

Things to pull out of storage/wash

• All newborn and 0-3 month clothing (determine if everything is seasonally appropriate and make new clothes list for any gaps – add to buy list….)
• Car seat base, cover, bundle me
• Big Stroller
• See if cloth parts of bouncer can come off to be washed (make sure bouncer works!)
• Play mat and toys
• Teethers, rings, and other 0-6 month toys (find a good place to keep baby toys)
• Crib bedding, sheets, blankets, burp rags, etc. etc. etc.

Things to put into storage

• G's outgrown clothes & toys.....
• lightweight stroller

Rooms to Tackle: Gianna's Room

• fix up dress up area how I want it
• Paint???
• Buy artwork for walls/print pictures/frame/etc.

Rooms to Tackle: Baby's Room

• find someone to fix window/wall ASAP
• paint, clean, rearrange as necessary
• Raise crib 
• Get/hang up artwork
• clean carpet

Rooms to Tackle: The rest of the upstairs!

• touch up paint (where baby gate was)
• try to come up with better playroom storage/arrangement (ha!)
• figure out where baby stuff will go upstairs
• Clear out cupboard space for bottles, etc.

Other

• Pick a name for the baby…….
• Maternity photo shoot (when?!!)
• hospital packing list/bag (figure out what diaper bag to use....)
• Maternity leave & STD paperwork
• Pre-register at hospital (no idea if we have to do this??)
• sign G up for big sister classes
• Figure out main plan (plus 2 back up plans) for what to do with Gianna when the baby comes
• Take/Finish bradley classes
• Try not to freak out
• Holy shit we are having another baby

There it is kids. My lovely, scary, really freaking long, list of shit that needs done sooner than later.  I KNOW it will all be fine, and that all the really important stuff will get done. But goodness I am just overwhelmed with THINGS to do and also, the TIRED from all of the other stuff going on every day.

Happy.

A few people mentioned in the comments of my FNL post that I seemed happy.

And it hit me.

I AM happy.

Finally.

I always try to act happy, but for the past several months, I know that I was not in fact, ACTUALLY happy.  Things made me happy, but in general, no, I really wasn’t.  I simply threw myself into other things (masters degree, huge fundraiser, other projects) so I didn’t have to think about me.

And I never told anyone that.

I went about  my life to the best of my ability, because lord knows it wasn’t going to stop because I was sad.  I just did whatever I needed to do – bills, laundry, parenting, socializing, whatever it was.

It occurred to me at one point that probably, something was a little off. I just didn’t FEEL like me. But, I figured it was because of (insert any life situation here) and once THAT was handled, I would be fine.  But as we all know, things were being piled on faster than they could be taken care of – so that point didn’t really come until recently.

Should I have gone mentioned something? YES.

Why didn’t I? Because I am stubborn.

But life has improved, things are looking good and I am thankful to report that I am back to feeling like ME again. There are still challenges we have to overcome, naturally, but we’re working on it and because I FEEL better about me, I feel much better about all of the things looming ahead n our future.

So thanks for noticing the happy, because you helped me to notice it too.

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Generally, I am the happy one. The one who smiles at everything, laughs a lot and finds the silver lining. The one who remembers small things (and big things), worries, hopes & prays FOR others close to me. The hard worker, eternal optimist and planner.

My philosophy is that you don’t get anywhere without hard work, so there’s no point in complaining about it. Life is full of ups and downs so might as well make the best of it. Besides, being all grumpy and down in the dumps isn’t going to get me anywhere.

And then there are times that I don’t WANT to be any of things. I want to be upset, frustrated and just angry about things.

Now, is one of those times.

I don’t know if it’s the fact that the engine in my car is broken and we weren’t prepared for such an expense. Or the fact that putting an engine in said car is not at all financially smart but neither is buying another car. Or maybe it’s because every time I feel like things are okay – something shitty happens (car again).

That I often feel like I HAVE to be the one to give up things, to come up with a plan, to handle it all. (I know that’s not necessarily true).

Maybe it’s because things are just generally stressful right now – a lot is going on and not going on at the same time. I have had a hard time keeping my cool with my spunky two year old the past couple days and I HATE that. Which makes me even more nervous about our decision to TTC. I feel very unsettled with where I am in life – I need to just get over it and accept it.

Part of it could be that I don’t think I should feel the way I do. People close to me are dealing with BIG things – such as children fighting to survive – making me feel ridiculous for being upset over the problems and frustrations in my life.

I just want my family (and my friends!) to catch a break. Or a little extra strength so I can deal with the problems at hand. Or a large box of kleenex and a large bottle of wine.

Things will be okay, some day. But for this day? I just need to cry a little.

The Stress Monster Ate My Sex Drive

wwwIt’s not much of a secret, things have been stressful around these parts the past few, well, for a while.

School is over and that stress is over.

Only to be taken over by a new kind of stress.

The kind that says now you need to DO something.

Add that to the other forms of regular, daily stress + parenting stress + health insurance stress + impending life decision stress and that leaves not a lot of brain power for other things.

Which sucks because I love my husband a lot. And I love to, you know, be with him.

Or at least I love the idea of it, and I love it when it actually happens.

I just never want it. When he initiates it and I can push the Stress Monster away, it’s good.

Unfortunately, that damn Stress Monster has a hearty appetite and has effectively eaten my sex drive. Like swallowed it whole never to be seen again.

So how do I get it back?
I miss it.

Stress Monster needs a diet pill or one of those appetite suppression drinks or slim fast or something else to occupy its time. Because to be quite honest, this is freaking ridiculous.

I have actually taken some time to check out the forums at EdenFantasys, I can’t be the only one ever to have lost their Sex Drive to the Stress Monster.
The appetite of this Stress Monster is overwhelming and the more frustrated I get about it, the more hungry the Stress Monster appears to be.
Like I said, freaking ridiculous.

Friday Night Leftovers

• it freaking snowed. again. hate.
• teaching is the same, yet different, than I expected it to be. I need some ideas on how to get my material to a) last 4 hours and b)get the students engaged more.
• I have been easily annoyed this week.
• My blog has also been getting quite the work-out this week! [anyone else doing the 30DPC? link up, if you are! or when you do]
• Operation organize office was a huge success! I can actually focus in here now which is awesome.
• Gianna is 23 months old today. I can’t really wrap my brain around the fact that she will be 2 in one month.
• I am throwing a party in one month… must.get.invitations.out. I also need to get my crafty stuff together!
• When I got home last night, I discovered that my sneaky sister had left a lot of inspirational bible verses around my office. I am still discovering them (and I have a feeling I will be for a while). She is totally awesome.
• My other sister is totally awesome too, of course.
• Gianna asked to take her nap today. I was impressed.
• I have a maternity picture up in my office. a) I still can’t believe how humongous I was b) I can’t wait to be pregnant again (I can’t believe I just typed that)  c) no. I am not pregnant, or trying to get pregnant right now.
• speaking of pregnant – who ISN’T pregnant right now? SHEESH! I am happy for 2 of my girlfriends who are both having girls though – yay hair bows!
• Did I mention that I submitted my research to present at a state-wide conference?
• Must take advantage of this quiet time to get some stuff done.
• today I am thankful for Danifred for hosting FNL. you can play too!

Bitch Session

I am what you might call, stressed. A hot mess. Stretched too thin. Over-committed.
Whatever you want to call it, I feel like any second I am going to completely lose my shit.
So I am going to bitch. Just this one time, and I promise to try and not complain anymore because really, it’s all relative and it will all work out. But I need to just get this off my chest real quick.

• There are 2 adults and 1 small child that live in my house, but a lot of times it feels like quite the opposite.
• I have 3 calendars – one for “life”, one for school and one for Premier. I need them all. They are each full to the brim of things that have to get done. There are only 24hrs in each day, so if I don’t sleep, eat or play with Gianna maybe I can actually accomplish each day’s tasks (but I can't give up any of those three things, well I give up eating a lot in leu of wine drinking).
• I would love to hire someone to do my laundry and deep clean the house. I hate those chores. But I also can’t just not do them, because eww, so they get done half-way.
• I would also love for a money tree to grow in the backyard because, well, we need it. I learned from the best on how to manage money/budget/plan etc but gas being $3.50/gallon is going to start screwing with my money management skills really quickly.
• Perhaps only females can see when the floor needs swept, dishes need washed, things need straightened up and children need bathed. I am pretty sure of that, actually.
• My office is a WRECK and I have no time to do anything about it except shift the piles of things to be done around.
• While I love meal planning, I hate cooking for one person since the other people here refuse to eat anything.
• It would be awesome if people (besides my mom and sisters) asked me how I was doing, if I needed help with anything or any other similar question instead of asking me for something/adding more things to my never-ending list. I feel like I extend myself to others all the time (which I enjoy doing, don’t get me wrong), but it is definitely a one way street in most cases.
• There is just so much going on right now, I can’t remember everything. If it is not written down on one of those calendars or a sticky note on my desk, assume it doesn’t exist because I will never remember. I hate that.
• I also don’t feel like I am doing a very good job on anything I have been working on because there is SO MUCH I can only contribute so much to each thing and when I am an “all in” kind of person, this really gets to me. This includes being a wife and mother.
• I need a mountain to stand on so I can scream at the top of my lungs. I think that would make me feel better.
• Treading water sucks. My legs are tired and so is my brain. I know it will all be okay, but is it May yet?

Friday Night Leftovers

• It’s friday! I am excited for my weekend, 3 jewelry shows and a husband who will be home on Saturday night!
• It is also in the FIFTY’S!! This is a YOUGE deal here in NEO for Feb. I mean, sure it will be back to freezing ass cold by Sunday, but we are enjoying the ability to have the door open and wear skirts without tights today!
• My mom is the greatest bargain finder who ever did live. She bought Gianna a bunch of new shirts (including fleece pullovers!) and new shoes for $0.63! Holy crapola, you can’t get things used from Goodwill for that price! She also got a freaking awesome new coat for next winter for like $4! She is my idol.
• Operation take pictures for Gianna’s birthday invites occurred this week. Was successful! I just need to get them to my awesome friend Alison so we can finish the invites!
• I really like Disney Junior.
• Gianna lost her shit when Mike showed her a PICTURE of “Cinda-le-la”. I almost cried. I can’t freaking wait for May to get here!!
• Starting to get stuff together for the classes I am going to teach. Starting to get nervous about it, but must.stay.confident!
• I am doing Project 365 again this year and a) am woefully behind in posting pictures and b)I think I accidently skipped 2 days. Oops.
• Our taxes might possible be almost finished after 5 days of working on them. Must have my accountant* review them.
• Have been feeling very “off” lately, like I can’t keep  my head on straight most days. It’s actually starting to piss me off because I am forgetting important things.
• The sun is out, before my crazy afternoon starts I believe we shall play outside.

Play along with Danifred!! It’s fun. Bullet points rock.

*my accountant = my mom.

Friday Night Leftovers

• Another Friday where I am thankful for Danifred and the leftovers. Lots of random going on in my head lately.
• Today I set up a timeline to complete my thesis. I will be presenting it on April 27th. Holy shit batman, it is going to be a crazy ride.
• I am glad, however, to have everything on the calendar. Deadlines set. Etc. Etc. It honestly makes my head hurt a little less knowing what is coming next.
• Disney “sin-aaaa-longs'” have taken over. Cute, but not. At least she dances to them.
• Speaking of dancing, we are going to do a dance party “theme” for her birthday! Need to figure out what that means exactly aside from there being music and balloons.
• Some sort of sickness has been going through our house, G and I are both sick enough to be slightly miserable yet still functional. I would prefer one extreme or the other.
• I have really enjoyed reading your comments from yesterdays post. Keep ‘um coming.
• This weekend going into next week is going to be crazy. But I am ready for it.
• I must start our taxes soon. They are going to be a bitch do do this year and I should really stop putting it off.
• I know I promised there was exciting news and such coming the other day – it is probably only exciting to me, but I am building my own little team of jewelry lady’s and it is very fun! That’s all. Not hit the lottery exciting, but a small step.
• The freelance company I work for has had shit to write. It sort of pisses me off, but not, because I have enough work (although non-paying work) to keep me busy at the moment. But still, frustrating.
• My shoe rack, the one that holds over 50 pairs of shoes, broke today. Not sure what I am going to do (besides buy a new shoe rack that is more durable) about it, but Gianna is in HEAVEN. HEAVEN I tell you – the way her face lit up when she saw all of those shoes on the floor you would have thought Cinderella herself was standing in front her her. She spent a good 15 minutes (until I drug her upstairs) trying on different shoes saying “ta da”. Hilarious for sure.
• Please keep my friend JJ (and her hubs Mook!) in your thoughts – their little man, O, is in the hospital with RSV and a bacterial blood infection. All thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
• I am going to be drinking some wine tonight, I hear it helps sore throats. Or at least lets you forget you have a sore throat….

Controller of the house

One of the things I have realized since losing my job and being home full time is how freaking hard it is to get it all done.

By all I mean: entertain the toddler, cook and clean the kitchen what feels like 58x a day, keep the living room kept, floors swept and toys picked up, getting the laundry done and showering. Not to mention getting my school work completed, articles written, meetings scheduled, job applications completed and turned in.

For some reason when I worked all day I just let some of it go, since I wasn’t here, I couldn’t do it.  Now that I AM here? I feel like I HAVE to do it.  Maybe that is a stupid idea, but the other day I tried to let the mess “go”, and I turned into a raging bitch because THE COUNTERS ARE DIRTY. Stupid, but again, control freak over here.

The other control issue? Our checkbook. I am the CFO of this house and am having a very hard time implementing the changes I KNOW MUST HAPPEN (like, not getting chik-fil-a for lunch) so that bills can get paid and I don’t have a freaking coronary.  We CAN make it. We WILL make it.  But going from having some spending money (no matter how little) each week to having none? That is a big change for us.  And? We have some things we need to be saving for/paying off and we can’t. And I hate it. Because it just seems so unfair. (um, because it is I guess)  I think we could qualify for assistance on some things, but I am going to be brave and admit this – but I am scared to apply.  I know it would help, but I can’t seem to call or go to the website or whatever.  I don’t know why, I just can’t do it right now.  Stupid, I know. But not ONLY am I a control freak – I HATE admitting defeat, or that I need help and can’t do it ALL.BY.MYSELF. 

So I am actually devoting this week to taking control of my house. Whatever that means, however I have to do it.  The office needs organized, the items in piles in the basement need donated/sold/trashed, the checkbook needs balanced and the laundry needs done.  And I am doing it with the help of my lovely lists. And my awesome husband (whether he knows it or not!) and the entertainment of my cute girl.

A sprinkle of happiness

This has definitely been one of the worst weeks I have had in a VERY long time.  It’s unfair, unexpected, I am sick and just UGH!

But if you have been around long enough to remember my last worst-week-ever, you might know that I am not a “roll-over-and-die” type of person. I try to smile through the pain.

There is ALWAYS a reason for things to happen, and damn it – I am going to figure that reason out and make some fucking margaritas with these lemons.

I have already started 2 part time jobs.

1 involves writing, which, yay!

and the other involves selling Premier Designs Jewelry. 

Hopefully these thing will help pick up some of the financial slack until a great opportunity to use my overly educated brain comes along!

Also as a “hey, sorry you got fired” present to myself – I traded in that stupid phone I got on Thursday for the Droid Incredible. And, it’s incredible. And it makes me happy and helloooogooglecalendar,iloveyousososomuch. (um, and I can probably use it as a write-off now, bonus!)

And, if I am looking at the silver lining here – there is a lot to be excited about - I can focus more on school, on my research and most importantly on my daughter & husband.

It is going to be a TOUGH transition for me, but I’m putting on my biggest smile, drinking these margaritas and making the best of it.

Because, why be miserable?

I have AMAZING people that support me, that love me, that need me and no body likes a Debbie Downer.

A week for the record book

This week has been ridiculous. In every sense of the word.

Let me break it down:

Monday: Woke up feeling crummy and running late for a doctor’s appointment with my sister in which I went to the wrong building and had to argue with the receptionist. Gianna went to her 18 month appt and got shots. And was crabby.

Tuesday: It was raining. Work was…. work…. and my sore throat got worse with a side of head stuffy-ness.

Wednesday: Woke up late. Dropped my muffin on the way out of the house. Voice was on it’s way out. Work was, work. Then at 4:50pm, I found out I wouldn’t be returning to work with no rhyme or reason given. I had to fight with them over my phone/phone #, I won the phone # but lost the phone.  A lot of crying, frustration and plan-making and plan-executing ensued.

Thursday: Voice is completely gone. I didn’t get my phone back until 5 and ended up relinquishing my beloved blackberry for a much less appealing Samsung reality. Have I mentioned that I have lost my voice and think I have bronchitis?  I have to start a midterm for class, clean and work on my capstone project.

Tomorrow is Friday. I am having people over for a Premiere Designs Jewelry party.  And wine. And chocolate. And wine.

All is not lost, but things are defiantly thrown up in the air and I have not a clue where they will fall. 

big, green & hairy

I have had a visitor lately that I could seriously do without.

It’s a big, green, hairy, envious jealousy monster.  It has taken on a lot of forms and I really don’t know why.  Don’t get me wrong, I am overall very happy with things right now, but there are a few things that could be different/better/etc.

Job envy:  I have been unhappy with my current place of employment for some time.  It is just not where I want to be professionally and their goals and mine do not align at all.  I see/hear about positions I think I would love but am having trouble finding said positions near where I live!  Also? job hunting takes a lot of time and energy, neither of which I have currently.

House envy: Okay, maybe it’s more like decorating envy.  I am really happy with our new little house but there are so many things I want to do, paint, buy.  Again, these things take time and energy which we know is on short supply.  I am tired of our couch being made up of 2 pillows and a blanket on the ground!

Uterus envy: The obvious question to ask anyone with a one year old is obviously “when are you going to have another?”.  It is also the most obnoxious.  I have been surrounded by a lot of pregnant bellies lately, pregnant bellies that got there “on accident”, “on the first try” and otherwise without stress.  And it’s frustrating because while I would love to get on that bandwagon, it’s not time for us right now.  But it freaks me out too because it was not easy for us to get pregnant (although not as hard as it was for others). 

Wardrobe envy: Why is that when you specifically look for something, you can never find it?  I have been hunting for new summer clothes for months without fail since I am a cool 6 sizes smaller than last summer (yet 1 size bigger than before baby).  I have found a few pieces, but I have been really underwhelmed by what I see in stores.  However I am very overwhelmed by what I see on other people! Where do they get this stuff?

Not trying to sound ridiculous here, but some days I just need to feed the monster and satisfy it for a while.  I know it’s perfectly normal to like what others have, the grass is always greener blah blah blah. 

Where do we go from here?

I have been having a hard time with life lately. 

Not one thing in particular, just an in general frustration. 

If you have been reading over the past year or so, you will know this seems to be a recurring issue.  It gets better, and then not, and then better again, then really bad etc.  Nothing out of the usual for anyone’s life in general, really, but clearly I am not a great with uncertainty.

I was thinking about it tonight as I was finally showering at 10pm after a full day of doctor appointments, working, playing, running errands, class, house chores etc. 

This is not at all where I envisioned my life to be 5 years ago.

I was going to be a doctor. I was going to probably never have children.  I was going to live the life of a busy professional who traveled a lot with her husband!

That vision started changing right before I graduated from my undergraduate college.  I wasn’t sure on the doctor thing, but I was going to just go with it because that is what I was supposed to do.

And, I went with it. Did really great at it, except I didn’t.  I had to repeat my entire first year because I couldn’t figure out how to argue my way out of 1 wrong answer on 1 test so I would pass 1 class, when I had gotten at least a B in every other one.  I was done at that point.  But I listened to those around me and did it all over again.

I started blogging during my second (third) year when I was really hating school, not wanting to be a doctor and really just wanting to have a “regular” job, kids and a house with a white picket fence.  Had I stayed on track I would be graduating next month.  I don’t regret not finishing, I did something for myself and listened to my gut, for once.  I DO regret not listening to myself sooner thereby alleviating the ridiculous amount of debt I am now in.  But, it is what it is and I have to just take away the knowledge I gained and deal with the rest.

 

So, what gives?

 

If I knew the answer to that question, I wouldn’t be writing this.  I am working a job that I like, but I don’t see myself with this company for long because I need more of a challenge, I want to be in more of a leadership position that they can’t (won’t) provide.  I want to feel like I matter, like I am making a difference and being heard.

I may not be a doctor, but I am just as goal oriented as I ever have been.  To a fault, actually.  I always want more, always looking at the forest – a good view to have in public health, thankfully.  My plate is always overflowing and never has it given me a problem, except it is.

I am not sure what I want to be when I grow up, professionally speaking.  But it’ll come, this much I do know, I have a lot to learn and I am ok with that.

I am the only income for our family right now.  I always thought I would be the majority of our income, but never did I think I would be the only income.  I can’t explain the stress that comes with this, or the frustration, or the resentment.  There is no question that I will do anything that my family needs, sometimes though, I don’t know how I can make it through one more day of doing it all.

 

I do know what I want to be when I grow up, personally speaking.  I want to be a wife. a mommy. a sister. a daughter. a friend.  Yes, I am all of those right now, but some days it really doesn’t seem so.  Most days I am only one of those things, and that is a good day.  And that bothers me.  As much as I try to put my attention where it needs to go, when it needs to go there, I fail at it more. 

 

I am surrounded by people who love me, who have not always supported every decision I have made but always accepted them, who stand by me always.  Without them, I would be over my head instead of just up to my chin in crazy. 

 

It seems that the only way for me to get where I want is to take the mountain road, while I appreciate the lessons, sometimes I don’t. I want an easy button, or a snapshot into the future that will show me that this all really IS worth it and it really WILL pay off in the end.  Because what if it doesn’t?

Time for Who?

As you loyal readers know, finding time for everything has been my biggest struggle since becoming a mom.
It continues to be that way.
I have gotten better at compartmentalizing my life though - work is for work (or when baby is napping), play time is for Gianna, school is for school (or when baby is sleeping) house work is for after the baby goes to sleep, husband time is for bedtime.

Does anyone see a missing link to these compartments?
No? Look again....
Now you see it huh. There is no ME time.
My nightly routine is this: play with baby, feed baby, bathe baby, put baby to sleep, clean kitchen, make bottles, study &/or work, pass out.
I have to force a shower in there, usually around 10pm. Dinner, I eat if the hubs has made something, but typically, I just don't.

All of that stuff I can deal with, it's just the way things are right now. I might huff and puff about it - but really, I can handle missing dinner.
The one thing that I am CRAVING but can't seem to figure out how to fit it in, is working out, specifially running. This has always been my time to just turn on the tunes & let it all out. I would work out every single day when I was in medical school because it was the most amazing stress reliever (and, I had a pretty rocking body as an added bonus). Now, when I feel like I need this release the most - I can't seem to figure out where it belongs in my day. I would love to tone up this flab, get my frustrations out in a productive way and feel better about myself - but WHEN?
I have contemplated getting up at 5a to do this, but lets face it, I am NOT a morning person. Leaving the house once the peanut is in bed is another option, but all of my other responsibilities would get pushed about 2 hrs later in the night. (but I would surely get a shower those days...)
I am fully aware that those sound like excuses.
But if you can manage my time better for me, I would truly love to hear about it*.

Also - another part of ME time that is missing. The attention to personal detail. Or eyebrow maintenance and haircuts. And tanning (shut it, I don't need opinions on this one).

But alas friends, all of these things: Y membership, waxing, that sun kissed shimmer, all take $$. $$ that isn't falling from any trees around my house lately. In fact, I am pretty sure it is being buried somewhere because I can't seem to find it.... So - I need "economical"* ideas on how to accomplish these things.
Or you can tell me to shut my trap and quit bitching, because I'm a mom now and ME time doesn't exist.

*no seriously, I mean it.

Mommy Guilt

If you read my blog, you know that I have been having a bit of a hard time dealing with the new schedule and new stresses in my life.

I was going through my google reader the other night and the last post was this one from 5 Minutes from Mom. Working Mom's Guilt.

It hit me.
This is my problem. This is what I have been struggling with for the past few months, the thing that has gotten worse over the past few weeks.

I am incredibly thankful to have Monday's to spend at home with my little peanut. But being that is my only day off - we end up needing to cram a million errands/dr's appts/chores.WORK [you know, since I am supposed to be working from home] into that one day - because our weekends are just as crazy.
Then comes the rest of the week. On a good day - I spend roughly 2 hours with her before she's asleep for the night.

Here comes the guilt.

When I am away from my beautiful little girl all day, I do NOT want to be away from her at night if I don't have to.
What does that boil down to?
I miss out on certain things. I don't go out for dinner or drinks with friends. I wait until she is asleep to eat dinner, work out, clean, work, study, shower etc. because the little time I have with her during the week I choose to spend dedicated to her (and Mike...). I am not opposed to being social - it's just hard for me to leave that little girl and once she's in bed, that's my time to get things done.
Maybe, if I wasn't gone 5/6 days a week and saw her more during her waking hours, I would feel differently. Hell - when I was on maternity leave I was DYING to get out of the house, put on real clothes and talk to someone who could talk back - as wonderful as that time was, I was bored & lonely! But, things are a little different now.
Also - I really do not like leaving her with anyone. No, not because I don't think they can take care of her (ok, well not always), but because she is my child, my responsibility and her father and myself should be the ones to care for her as much as possible. Since my husband works most weekend nights, I don't get out much since I also feel guilty leaving her with a babysitter.

According to my husband, if I keep this "loner attitude" up I will have no friends and will have no choice but to sit at home by myself every night. I am sure he's right. But at the moment, I see no other options and, if I am being totally honest, I don't mind how things are at this exact moment in my life. And, that in itself scares me a bit considering I have always been a very social, active, busy person. I still want that, I just don't know how to fit it all in and not feel guilty about leaving my little one. Am I the only who goes through this/feels this way? Because lately, it sure feels like it.

It's hard to please everyone and do everything in one day.