Stolen Innocence

 

When I saw that pink line appear on a pregnancy test in May – I immediately felt like I was going to lose my shit.

I was excited.

But more than excited, I was scared.

I remember looking at Mike with tears in my eyes and saying something along the lines of, I hope the 3rd times the charm.

The heartache of the past year stole the innocent joy that should be associated with a positive pregnancy test.

After our first beta, I thought okay – let’s see what the next one says and how much progesterone will it take to help this baby stick. Not YAY I’m pregnant.

Then we had the second one, and the nurse could tell I was still a little uneasy – she said to me “you can start to get excited now”.

The loss we experienced over the past year stole the innocent joy that should be associated when someone verbally verifies that yes, you ARE pregnant.

Walking in to our ultrasound appointment I was SURE I was going to throw up.  I could not calm my nerves to save my life.  I was also thankful for my husband who just held my hand and the ultrasound tech who was sweeter than ever.  She said – once she found the baby & saw the heartbeat– “one will do, won’t it?” and I just let the tears flow because YES! One will do, indeed.

I think I went through the next few weeks in disbelief of what was happening – afraid to get too attached to this little person.

I went to my OB appointment and probably scared the crap out of the lady who drew my blood that day.  When she innocently asked me how I was and I said, “okay” to which she responded “oh, no you’re supposed to say pregnant!” and I in turn made a comment about how we have gone through a lot to get here – she just sort of shut up and did her thing. But before I left she said – It will all be okay.  It was sweet.

But was STILL scared to believe it.

There are so many things that that are different for me this time – I started writing Gianna’s journal the day that positive pregnancy test showed up in my bathroom.  I took pictures every single week. I wasn’t afraid. 

At our 12 week ultrasound, when I saw this little person flipping around with a strong heartbeat – it hit me.

I can’t let our experience, our journey to get to this beautiful place, steal the joy I should be feeling. Because so far – everything looks beautiful and is moving along normally.  Even though the pure innocence and happiness that I experienced from the second I got pregnant with Gianna is gone, the joy and love I feel for this child are very much real and present.  I just have to let myself feel them.

Secondary infertility may have stolen my innocence in the beginning – but I’m claiming back my joy because we ARE here, we DID make it. And no matter what, this is a NEW journey – separate and distinct from all the others.

Giannaisms: Special Edition

As always, Miss G is keeping us on her toes with her whit, sarcasm and general shenanigans!
A sampling for your Friday:

::in an attempt to get out of riding in the cart at the store::
G: Aunt Jacqui, do they have floors at Wal-Mart?
J: Yes.....
G: I think they are for little girls to walk on....

::in an attempt to drive her mother nuts::
{{back story - my sisters have a cat, who we thought was a girl}}

G walks up the steps at my parent's house yelling "Papa keeps sayin' the cat has bawlls*"

again in the car last night:
G: bawlls! (hysterical laughter)
Me: Gianna, don't say that!
G: (after an appropriate amount of silence) BAWLLS!!! (even more hysterical laughter)
::in an attempt to melt our hearts::
A few weeks ago:
Mike: Gianna, do you think you would like it if we had a baby at our house?
G: Ya, that would be cool.  Like baby Luci**?
Mike: Ya, do you think you would like if Mommy had a baby in her belly like Aunt Jacqui?
G: A SISTER????  (comes to me, lifts up my shirt and says "Hi baby sister!!")
When will she be here? Tomorrow?
Us: No, not for a long time, after it snows outside
G: will it snow tomorrow?

One morning before work:
G: Is baby sister hungry?
Me: Um, I dont' think so.
G: yes she is, I'm going to feed her a muffin (places muffin on my stomach!)

Earlier this week:
G: Daddy keeps teasin' me that I'm gunna have a brother. But I'm not - it's a sister
Me: Well, we don't really know yet, it could be a brother.
G: No.

Yesterday:
Me: Come here, G - I have to show you something really cool.
G: What is it Mawwwmy***?
Me: Here, look at this:

I seriously can't even believe this is happening.

G: WOAH! Is that a picture of my sister?? She is SOOO cute! Can she come out now?


So, there you have it.
1 year of tears, frustration, heartache and nothing going "according to plan"
4 months of testing and various medical interventions
2 RE's
2 months of clomid,et al.
1 perfect, beautiful little human who was worth it all without question
1 big sister who has no idea what she is in for
and 2 parents who couldn't be happier that our dreams of expanding our family will be realized on or around January 30, 2013.

We ALL love you more than you even know already, little one.

*I really really really hate the word balls.

** that's my niece's name! I can't wait to meet her soon!

*** she always says mommy so weird when she is excited, or whining

Assisted baby making v. 2.0

Read {Versions 1.0 and 1.1}

• We the April cycle off due to a cyst from the clomid. 
• And I decided that I was ultimately not happy with how things were going with Dr. Wonderful & co.  Ya, he was really nice but no one would ever TELL me anything/appease my need for knowledge. 
• I got a recommendation for Dr. SuperAwesome and decided, why not? It wasn’t going to hurt anything to talk to someone else. 
• And it turns out, I really really like him and he was way more on track with what we wanted/needed/could afford etc.
• So, clomid crazies round two commenced.
• Except the worst side effect I have from all of this is acne.  It is the worst I have EVER had in my life.  And let me tell you – it seriously sucks!
• Reading the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy is a great way to make the baby making not feel so “assisted” if you get my drift.  (no really, I did like the books though – I was kinda sad when I finished the last one!)
• Nothing all that exciting this time, just waiting and still trying not to let my mind wander to any dark places.

Friday Night Leftovers

• I’ve been helping my BFF look for houses – she lives in a different state and is moving back here with her JUST BORN TODAY BABY GIRL(!) and husband in July.  It’s an interesting position to be in – but I’m blessed she trusts me enough to take on such a responsibility for them.
• I LOVE looking at houses. And have a recent, rather large, obsession with house hunters right now. We aren’t moving or even thinking about moving for at least a year, but still, I obsess. And continuously increase my mental to-do list.
• Three year olds are pretty awesome creatures.  G and I have had some pretty excellent days lately (or rather, 2 hours in the evening before bed) and it just makes my heart so incredibly happy.
• Yesterday was an appointment with a new RE. He’s super freaking nice and down to earth and very much the opposite level of aggressiveness as my other RE.
• We have a plan, that fits our needs and our budget, for right now.  I know that if this processes isn’t successful though, we can move forward as we feel comfortable with his support. It just feels like a better fit for us.
• On that note, this is officially the 12th month of TTC #2. The 12th heartbreaking month.  I am confident this journey will end with another baby in our arms because this pain, it can’t last forever, right?
• I have some big blog posts semi constructed in my head. Some are a little heavy, some aren’t.  I just can’t seem to get them to make sense.
• Is it spring time yet? I’m ready for the weather here to make up its mind and stay nice!

Don’t Ignore #NIAW

When we decided we were ready to add to our family, we anticipated that history might repeat itself and the journey to adding to our family could be long-ish.  But we didn’t anticipate the loss. Or the heartache. Or the frustration.
When you decide you are ready to become a mother (again), you never imagine that the journey will be anything but quick and easy.  Until it is anything but quick and easy and you earn your ticket to Infertility Island.
And when that happens, it sucks. It feels like everyone in your world is pregnant and flaunting their fertility in your face.
And it hurts.
For a good while I didn’t let myself feel the hurt, the heartache or the actual LOSS of the miscarriages. I sort of forgot to feel anything, really. 
I was just numb, going through the motions, living in 2 week increments, just kind of existing in a sense.  Pushing all those emotions and feelings away because maybe then they just wouldn’t exist. 
Except that didn’t work so well.
I forgot it was okay to FEEL.
So, if you are in this place -  don’t ignore your feelings– because it’s okay to feel, to be happy/angry/frustrated/whatever you want or need to be, to adjust to the (shitty) experience that is infertility.
And when friends and family make comments to you about your “situation” or how “at least you know you can get pregnant” or even that “maybe you should spend your money on adoption, that would be easier” and the generous comment about how they want to “share their fertility with you” – don’t forget – they mean well, they just have no clue what to say (or how stabby it makes you).
Don’t ignore your own needs– this is YOUR journey, YOUR story, YOUR experience and you need to do what is right and what makes sense for YOU.  It will be worth it in the end – whatever that means.
But most importantly if you are fighting the Bitch that is Infertility, don’t forget you are not alone.

Friday Night Leftovers

• It’s days/nights like this that I feel so overwhelmingly blessed to have Gianna. To be her mom. To get to love her and see her smile and laugh with her.  It was just a really good day.
• It’s also days like this, days that I get to spend with my daughter, that fuel the fire to stay home with her.
• It might not ever happen, but I’ll never stop trying to make things work it out that I can be home more than I’m at work.
• Tomorrow is the big “pink” spring 3rd birthday party bash.  Everything is ready and I’m looking forward to a great day tomorrow.
• I’ve been feeling good and sick the past few days, and today? I’m losing my voice.  Excellent timing.
• After thinking about things more, I decided it would be good to see a new RE, to at least get a 2nd opinion on what’s going on and what treatment will be best for me.  It was a surprisingly hard decision, but I’m looking forward to it.
• I’ve been in a generally good place emotionally this month, and I hope that continues even after tomorrow.  We are pretty much the only ones of our friends (who has kids) who has only 1.  For some reason, that is hard on me sometimes – watching G with her friends and their siblings knowing that is something I haven’t been able to give her yet. 
• My BFF who lives in Florida is having a c-section next friday! I am excited for them, and a little bummed I won’t get to be there to meet their girl. BUT! They are moving back here soon, so it' won’t be long.
• I have had the WORST acne in my LIFE the past few weeks.  I don’t know if it’s from the clomid and/or HCG and/or progesterone from last month or just because – but I do know that it’s freaking obnoxious.
• Don’t forget to check out my Tooth Fairy 2 movie giveaway!!!
• and share your leftovers over @ Danifred’s
• happy weekend, my friends.

Infertility Island

Have you ever experienced something that you can’t explain to someone despite your best effort?

Or something that anyone who hasn’t experienced it first hand can not possibly begin to understand?

That would be what infertility feels like.

And it makes you feel like, as a good friend described, like you’re on an island.  Not quite a deserted island, but an island with people who understand EXACTLY what you are going through.

Infertility Island.

It’s a place no one wants to visit, but the people that are on the island, at least in my experience, are some of the nicest women I have ever met.

Everyone on the island has a different experience (naturally) – some are childless, some like me – are suffering from secondary infertility, there are stories of adoption, treatments and everything in between. But the common thread on the island is the desire to build a family, and the inability to do so easily.

Infertility Island is full of the strongest women you have ever met.  There is no room for the weak stuff here – it’s all about the Survivor Mentality.  We are all fighting the same battle in our own way.  It’s nice to have people to talk to who know how you feel, what you mean and can offer the support that often times, no one else can.

And I swear, there is a section of the island just for husbands – where they can wait until we need their support. 

Because, at least in my experience, husbands don’t always quite “get it” – which is okay, considering as all of the STUFF isn’t happening to their body.  They don’t take the medicine, get the pleasure of the ultrasound wand, feel the pain or the heartache that comes approximately every 28 days to the same degree.  But they are there when we need them, on stand by, if you will  - to provide a shoulder for tears, arms for hugs, lips for supportive words (and kisses) and even when they don’t understand it all – ears for listening.  I don’t think (my) husband always knows how much it means to me when he just listens to me and lets me use his shoulder – I’m pretty strong but sometimes, I just need that extra support to keep me upright.

I don’t think anyone truly ever leaves and certainly never forgets what it was like to live on Infertility Island.  There are all kinds of bridges built to take us on and off the island, but I really just don’t think it’s a place we ever truly leave behind once we have been there.  It is an experience that shapes us, builds appreciation for what we have (or will have) in our lives, adds character and connects us to other women who will remain in our hearts forever. 

Infertility Island can be one SCARY place – a place of unknowns, confusion, infinite levels of frustration and sadness – but it can also be a place of strength, hope and love.

I hope with all my being that the population on Infertility Island stays at a minimum, but if you have to cross that bridge and visit – know you aren’t alone and that there are people here that will support you and hope for you when you don’t have the energy to do it yourself.

If you find yourself in this place – there are some excellent resources to check out – Bloggers For Hope - an outreach of Chance to Hope – a foundation built to offer financial help and resources to give couples a chance to build the family they hope for.  There is also Resolve – the national infertility association.

Friday Night Leftovers: Plans edition

• I was able to work from home today – it was a much needed morning with my family.
• We finished all of our advanced dining reservations for our August Walt Disney World trip and I am so stupidly excited for this trip!
• There are still lots of plans that need to be made – like our plane reservations and I want to plan some fun stuff to bring for Gianna.
• I had a monitoring ultrasound today for this cycle.  We had really been debating what we wanted to do this month – but we were just going to move forward with clomid/IUI again.
• Except I have a cyst, so we’ll just be moving forward on our own for another month.
• God totally has a sense of humor – I even chuckled as I was leaving the office today.  Considering as he totally made the choice about what to do this month pretty crystal clear.
• Funny how He gives us little glimpses of His plan for us when we least expect it.
• Surprisingly, I am okay with all of this.  I don’t really have a choice, of course, but mentally, I feel okay with it.
• So all of my energy for the month will go in to Easter and planning Gianna’s birthday party.
• I have a really fun idea for her birthday pictures, so that’s exciting.  I also have about a million ideas (a’la Pineterest, natch) for her party – I need to get.on.the.ball with all that.
• We finally started the long-standing mental plans I have had to move the rooms around and get some better organization in this house.
• But, my plans for the rest of the weekend involve a bottle of Barefoot Moscato, a jewelry show tomorrow, an easter egg hunt on Sunday and some more of said bottle of Moscato. 

Game over. Try again.

I had a thought this morning as I stared at a digital pregnancy test that was all but screaming “not pregnant” at me. again.

These damn things should at least be more entertaining if they are going to deliver bad news, especially so early in the morning.

Something along the lines of “try again, bitch” would have at least made me chuckle this morning.

Or “Bwahahaha. No.”

“game over” or “better luck next time” could also work.

I think “Maybe if you just would have relaxed” would be a fan favorite.

Although, they are probably going to have to make that little window bigger to fit all the snark.

And if (when) it is positive? There will be instant cheers and a flash mob. And someone to snap a picture so you can forever capture that look of shock, awe and bedhead all wrapped into one nice little package.

For the record, Jen and I totally have the market cornered on this and plan to live the rest of our lives, after we make our millions off of THE digital pregnancy test full o’ snark, with a pool boy feeding us alcohol and helping us into our spanks. Or something like that.

assisted baby making v. 1.1

continued from v. 1.0 post

- Dr. Wonderful said, as he was doing the PCT – we are probably going to see “nice clear cervical mucous with lots of good sperm” – I’ll be right back with the results.

- He came back REALLY fast. And when the first words out of a medical professionals mouth are “don’t let this news ruin your day” – you are probably screwed.

- Dr. Wonderful, while he really is wonderful, is also very matter of fact.  So he put it to me straight (which I like) and basically said the best chance for success with this cycle was insemination. tomorrow. and that will be $300.

- I didn't even know this was a possibility – sure I had THOUGHT about “what if” we got to the point of needing to do an IUI, but never did I even imagine that decision would need to be made EVER. let alone in less than 24 hours because no one mentioned the fact that after the PCT – things might need to change. 

- it was a tough, tough day – Mike and I hadn’t talked about this – and both have very strong feelings about this stuff.

- ultimately, we went through with it and for 3 of 5 days last week, a peek at the lady parts by a medical professional is how I started my day.

- did you know after an IUI you can get super bloated and have ridiculous cramps? I didn’t. But I do know.

- I need to have all the facts, and the hardest part of this cycle have been all the unknowns – all the things I wish I had known ahead of time just to be prepared.  But now I know and I survived and am better prepared should I need to be in the future.

- so here we are. in that damn TWW. wondering what has gone so wrong with my body since I had Gianna.  wondering what, should we need to, we will do next, differently, and when it would all go down because we do know that back to back medicated cycles are probably out of the picture for us.  I hate how much my mind wanders sometimes, and I am really trying to just let it be – because it really is out of my hands at this point.

assisted baby making v. 1.0

* I started this obviously, at the beginning of the month, and hesitated to post it – but again, obviously, changed my mind.  Mostly because there is so much I wish I had known in the beginning, and maybe other people would like to know this stuff too.   The whole timeline etc. is broken up into 2 posts.

- CD1 came, as expected.  And I was told to come in for an ultrasound and to bring $175 since our insurance doesn’t cover infertility treatments. I wasn’t too sure what the ultrasound was for but I figured I should just go with it. 

So I went in, had the ultrasound and got the prescription for the goods.  I really was not prepared for all that was coming my way.  Clomid. Hcg. Progesterone. On top of the prenatal, foltex and baby aspirin. Wooh. My husband is a little taken aback by the idea that the progesterone goes IN my vagina.  As am I, I guess but eh.

- I took the first clomid pill on CD4 and did not turn in to an instant bitch like I thought I might. In fact, it was pretty uneventful besides the daily headache.  Which may or may not have been from the drugs.

- I have been temping for about 4 or 5 cycles now and I have noticed that my temperatures are MUCH higher, almost a full degree, than what they are typically.  could be the clomid? could be exhaustion leading to user error too, I suppose.  still – kind of weird.

- Sometimes I feel as if I should FEEL something about all of this – but I am kind of numb, like I hate that this what needs to happen, but I accept it and just want to move on.  I know Mike isn’t entirely on the same page as me with how far we will go in regards to treatments, but I am just staying quietly hopeful that we won’t need to go any further.

- Our monitoring ultrasound showed 1 good, 1 okay and 2 small follicles and ended with an HcG trigger shot in the ass. Uneventful, overall.

- we had to do a post coital test the next morning.  that was as unpleasant as it sounds and ended in a totally unexpected way.