Moving On

In May of 2010 I felt like a real grownup, we finally owned our own home!

It wasn’t very big and it wasn’t very fancy, yet at the same time it was just right.

We made the space work for us turning the rooms into a variety of bedrooms, playrooms, and offices as we needed to change the space to meet our needs. We grew our family in that house, quite literally, as since we moved in as a young Family of Three.

But as we expanded to our Party of Five – our small house, while it held us and all of our stuff and all of our memories relatively well, wasn’t going to hold us, our stuff, and our memories for too terribly long. It was time to get this little house sold.

Thankfully, we only had to endure about 3 weeks of keeping the house spotless and over a dozen showings before another young couple decided our house was just right for them.

We said goodbye to our small house, the white house according to Gianna, last week.

But now where do we go?

For now, we are going to have an extended sleepover at my parents house – which we are so incredibly thankful to be able to do.

And sometime before October, this beautiful plot of grass will become a beautiful new home for us!

We never EVER thought we would build, we had in fact, said we would definitely NOT build – but we are very excited for this adventure, for a home that checks all of the boxes on our wish list.

If I felt like a real grownup when we bought our first home, I can bet that I am going to feel like a really blessed grownup when our new house gets signed over to us.

Just the beginning

I have always enjoyed running.   I always had a goal of completing a half marathon some time in the future. We have a really great race locally in September each year and I just never seemed to be able to get myself together in time to prepare for it, ever.  Busy life, blah blah blah.

I had a goal to run a 5k after I had Gianna, and I did that. It wasn't pretty, but who cares.  And then, graduate school/work/life got in the way (and winter came) and I stopped.  Graduate school/work/life continued and I just never picked it back up until this past summer. 

I was still feeling frumpy after having Aleesia and I had a beach vacation on the horizon - I didn't want to feel horrible about how I looked.  I decided to do the couch to 5k program again and literally would do loops around our very very small "neighborhood" to complete each workout.  Sometimes I had to repeat a work out (or a week of workouts) but I finished the whole program. It wasn't always easy, but it was enjoyable for me. I wasn't fast AT ALL and that was fine with me (even if it's hard to not be intimidated by people who run much faster than I do!)- my goal was to simply finish each workout without walking when I was supposed to be running.  I ran the 5k distance on my own and was really proud of myself when I did that.

A good friend challenged me to run a 10k in October - so I signed up and worked hard to accomplish that goal.  The actual 10k was postponed due to the government shutdown but we ran 6.2 miles anyway and it felt good to accomplish that goal.  Again, not fast but I finished it without walking which is all I care about.

I continued to run anywhere from 2-4 miles regularly and felt pretty good.  But not challenged.  I decided to add in some cross training and work a little on speed as well for an additional challenge. I did run a turkey trot in 16 degree weather, and did not in fact freeze to death, thanks to some encouragement and guidance from a good friend.  That was a challenge of a different kind!

Then a twitter friend mentioned entering the random draw for the Nike Run Women 1/2 Marathon in DC.  So I entered.  I never thought I would be chosen, but knew if I was there was no turning back on that goal.

I was selected.  And I promptly freaked out because it is winter. And I don't like the cold. And I have to run outside.  And And And THIRTEEN MILES IS A LONG WAY!

Then I got excited, or just determined, maybe.  I AM going to run 13.1 miles. At one time. With 15,000 people.  And it's going to be just fine. 

This isn't going to be easy for a lot of reasons (life is nuts, as usual!) but I know it's going to be worth it.

Friday Night Leftovers

• FNL brought to us by Danifred is just what the doctor ordered for me today.
• I fell on the ice this week. Busted my ass and my elbow. They both hurt.
• Lately, I have been waking up feeling TERRIBLE – like I literally got in a fight in my sleep.  It has been established by my Tweeps that I am too tense when I sleep. Apparently all the stress monsters come out to get me during the night, last night I literally could.not.relax the muscles in my neck – it was so ridiculous.
• My darling daughter did not sleep well last night either. She woke up all stuffy, in a fine mood, just stuffed. She also didn’t nap. And it is now 6:49pm, and she is in bed. It was a long day, for all of us.
• I made baked potato soup for dinner. It was yummy. Basically glorified mashed potatoes, which, seriously how could that be bad?
• Aside from falling on my butt and a few other random stressors, this week wasn’t so bad, Especially considering that I got an adjunct teaching position!
• As I was driving home today from doing research thinking about all the million things I still have left to do today, I wondered how the hell I thought I was going to accomplish all of these things and work full time.  I also wondered (not in a mean or bitchy way) what do stay at home mom’s who aren’t in graduate school/working on a capstone project/working 2 jobs from home DO all day long?!
• One of the things on my list, other than start our taxes (hold me…) is to get health insurance for the family. We have the shittiest coverage ever through Mike’s work and we just need to get on a better major medical plan. Any advice out there on this one? I know that the maternity rider’s suck and usually don’t kick in for 9 months – SUCK, but anything else I need to know, good places/people to call? I am pretty knowledgeable about insurance in general, just have never had to go this route and not sure where to start.
• Why do all the lights burn out at the same time? So annoying.
• Right now the only thing making nose is the dishwasher, and that totally rocks.

2011 - pay it forward

Happy Twentyeleven, y'all!

We were really rowdy up in this house last night - I had one drink, watched some stupid TV (including Ke$ha make an ass out of herself),  had sex spent some time with Mike and fell asleep promptly at 11:45pm.....
WOW am i lame getting old....

ANYWHO!

I hope everyone had a great New Years Eve/Day - stayed safe, had fun, actually got to see the ball drop - etc.

I don't really "resolve" to do anything, because, well, I forget what they are by like January 11th.
But my GOAL for this year, is to pay it forward more.
You know, open doors for people, DO more for people because I want to, because I see a need that needs filled, to put a smile where there might not otherwise be one.

I told you all about Jen the other day and her beautiful twin girls.  Some of you have asked how you can help, if there is anything you can do.
There IS something you can do - we (a group of Jen's local friends) have set up a memorial fund to cover hospital/memorial/whatever they need expenses.
We are accepting paypal donations, use the following email address: Knepperfamilydonations@gmail.com.
If you have any questions or prefer to mail in a donation, please email the above address and we will get your questions answered and information to you.
Please feel free to share this information with anyone, everyone.  This very special family can use all the love and support possible right now.

What’s Next?

I am sure there are going to be a million and two I’m-so-thankful-for-this-year and/or twentyten-can-bite-my-ass posts in the blog-world this week.

2010 wasn’t the most awesome year in the entire world, but it certainly wasn’t the worst year I have ever had.  I mean shit, I lost my job and health insurance so that sucked.  My husband and I had a tough year, but we’re good now.  I took my family on an awesome beach vacation, am one semester away from having my Master’s degree and have started my own business. And bought my first house.  Not to mention the everyday fun stuff that happened. So overall, I suppose the year was a success.

I am most concerned with what comes  next, though.  I am in a very uncertain place right now.  Sure, I have my family and house and a few things going at least marginally my way, but I feel unsettled.  Like there is so much I don’t know, can’t control and am just generally unsure about.

What will 2011 (twenty-eleven, in my book) bring?

How will we grow as a family?

How will I grow professionally? When will I get a job? What kind of job will it be?

What awesome things will Gianna teach me?

What kind of excitement/disappointment/unexpected surprises will come our way?

We have one super awesome thing to look forward too in 2011 – a big fat italian family vacation!  In October my whole family, all 11 people, are going to Italy, on a Mediterranean cruise. 

TOTALLY RIDICULOUSLY AWESOME!!!

Sometime this spring/summer we are going to seriously visit the idea of  TTC for baby 2.0, which is an awesomely scary idea. 

I am certain 2011 will be a-okay.  There are at least a few things to look forward to.

I just can’t wait to find out what comes next…..

 

Right after I wrote this post, I found out that my dear friend Jen lost one of her twin girls at 32 weeks. Please pray for her, Mark, Olivia, sweet Evelyn watching from heaven and for Ainsley as she gets strong enough to come home to her family.  Jen, we are wrapping you all in huge hugs, prayers, strength and whatever else you need, for as long as you need it. xoxo

Holiday Hang-over: The Big Day

Santa has arrived.

And G has no clue what is going on.

But she did find a wand!

And a tutu.

And thinks the wand will help her to open stuff!

PJ picture.

Then over to Grandma and Papa’s!

G played Papa’s helper and checked passed out all the loot.

She was observant. And got new boots. (among a zillion other things)

And really liked the parade.

And looking at GIANNA! in the mirror on her new brush.

But most of all, she loves her new horse.

And had a long day.

A long, amazingly awesome day with people who love her, spoil her and buy her things she doesn’t even know she likes yet!

Friday Night Leftovers

• As always – visit Danifred to join in. And give her a big squeeze to pass along to her sick little Bean.
• I started my photo wall that I have been obsessing with and I need to finish it.  I need to order 3 more 5x7’s, an 8x10 and a few 4x6’s. I think.
• My husband tried to help me use up some of the apples we got last weekend. He is not a good baker. considering he left the sugar out of the muffins. Holy nastiness. But. He did make them the next day, but something is still off in that recipe.
• Speaking of apples, I seriously can not believe how awesome Gianna (and Zach) were at the orchard. They both totally LOVED it. I have tons of pictures that need uploaded.
• Our schedules have been totally crazy lately – I miss the days of doing nothing. But that won’t happen until the 1st of never….
• Speaking of nothing. Tomorrow night I will be home. ALONE. No husband (working).  No baby (sleepover @ Gaama’s). Just me. My DVR. and a box of wine. I just realized this and I am excited. Maybe I’ll get really wild and crazy and workout. Or do the laundry.  But probably not.
• Also on this weekend’s agenda is a trip to a pumpkin patch with Renee, one of my best friends from high school, and her family. Which I am really excited about, since it has been THREE YEARS or longer since I have seen them.
• Still kind of broken hearted over some things going on that I can’t control or even really be there to help with. 
• I get really freaking annoyed when people don’t return my emails. Especially when I know they have a blackberry.
• Job hunting is stressing me the hell out. I am somewhere in the qualification gray area – over qualified for some things, under qualified for others. I have been thinking about this a lot and really I am at a loss of what to do next to get this show on the road so I can show off my smarts and get the hell out of dodge. err. my current place of employment*.  Any HR/recruiter blog readers want to help a sister out?
• But I get to wear jeans today. And we had a pot-luck. So that’s a bonus.

*Lest you think I am a greedy bitch (and you still may) I am totally thankful to BE employed, but the stress I take home and the frustration I have every.single.day means it is time to move onward and upward. STAT. And the whole masters degree + HUGE student loans does not equal my current position or pay grade.

The future makes me nervous

 I know I talked a little while ago about how I never imagined that I would be where I am today.
The other part of that story?  I am having trouble imagining the future.

Maybe that is a good thing, since we all know that life is never as we planned or imagined.

Except I am a planner. You should see my google calendar and all it’s glorious colorful organization.  It may or may not run my life.

I want to know exactly where I am going to be as far as having a new job. Buying a bigger house one day. Because I will have many more babies to fill it. And honestly people, these thoughts are overwhelming sometimes.
First step to the future? Graduation in May. That is under control and on track. And holy crap I might actually be finished being a student (for now).

Second step to the future? Finding not just a new job but a position that satisfies me professionally and intellectually. This is HARD.  I am in the process of contacting a recruiter on the matter because I don’t know where else to begin.  I know what I am looking for, I know what I am willing to bend on and what I am not in a new position. My fingers are crossed tightly that I can find someplace that meets my needs and appreciates what I have to offer.

Third step in the future? Work on making more babies. I said in my friday night leftovers that I am not physically ready. I am not. I want to get my body in a little better shape. I am there “weight” wise but flabby extra jiggle wise – no where near. Also? It took us close to a year to conceive Gianna.  While we didn’t require medical intervention, I feel that the steps we did take while TTC (while who knows if they did or did not make a difference) puts us somewhere on the line that she talks about @ Lovely Lady Bump.  I am scared to death that it will take as long or longer for #2.  Or it might not. That part of the unknown makes us nervous.  Also? having to wait for steps 1 and 2 to fall into place frustrates me because mentally and as a family – we are READY to expand. To share the love we have.  And that part is frustrating.  6 months seems like a long time to wait to even start this journey. But, it’s only 6 more months, right?

Fourth step in the future? Be a supportive wife to my husband in all that he does and in the venture he would like to undertake. It could be very good but we have a lot of research to do.  He has always been supportive of me through my educational journey and it’s time to focus on him for awhile. 

The future seems very promising yet very daunting and a little bit scary right now.  I KNOW it will all be fine, because it always is in whatever way I define “fine” at that moment. But just for a second can I have a crystal ball so I can see WHEN and HOW these things will play out?!!

Where do we go from here?

I have been having a hard time with life lately. 

Not one thing in particular, just an in general frustration. 

If you have been reading over the past year or so, you will know this seems to be a recurring issue.  It gets better, and then not, and then better again, then really bad etc.  Nothing out of the usual for anyone’s life in general, really, but clearly I am not a great with uncertainty.

I was thinking about it tonight as I was finally showering at 10pm after a full day of doctor appointments, working, playing, running errands, class, house chores etc. 

This is not at all where I envisioned my life to be 5 years ago.

I was going to be a doctor. I was going to probably never have children.  I was going to live the life of a busy professional who traveled a lot with her husband!

That vision started changing right before I graduated from my undergraduate college.  I wasn’t sure on the doctor thing, but I was going to just go with it because that is what I was supposed to do.

And, I went with it. Did really great at it, except I didn’t.  I had to repeat my entire first year because I couldn’t figure out how to argue my way out of 1 wrong answer on 1 test so I would pass 1 class, when I had gotten at least a B in every other one.  I was done at that point.  But I listened to those around me and did it all over again.

I started blogging during my second (third) year when I was really hating school, not wanting to be a doctor and really just wanting to have a “regular” job, kids and a house with a white picket fence.  Had I stayed on track I would be graduating next month.  I don’t regret not finishing, I did something for myself and listened to my gut, for once.  I DO regret not listening to myself sooner thereby alleviating the ridiculous amount of debt I am now in.  But, it is what it is and I have to just take away the knowledge I gained and deal with the rest.

 

So, what gives?

 

If I knew the answer to that question, I wouldn’t be writing this.  I am working a job that I like, but I don’t see myself with this company for long because I need more of a challenge, I want to be in more of a leadership position that they can’t (won’t) provide.  I want to feel like I matter, like I am making a difference and being heard.

I may not be a doctor, but I am just as goal oriented as I ever have been.  To a fault, actually.  I always want more, always looking at the forest – a good view to have in public health, thankfully.  My plate is always overflowing and never has it given me a problem, except it is.

I am not sure what I want to be when I grow up, professionally speaking.  But it’ll come, this much I do know, I have a lot to learn and I am ok with that.

I am the only income for our family right now.  I always thought I would be the majority of our income, but never did I think I would be the only income.  I can’t explain the stress that comes with this, or the frustration, or the resentment.  There is no question that I will do anything that my family needs, sometimes though, I don’t know how I can make it through one more day of doing it all.

 

I do know what I want to be when I grow up, personally speaking.  I want to be a wife. a mommy. a sister. a daughter. a friend.  Yes, I am all of those right now, but some days it really doesn’t seem so.  Most days I am only one of those things, and that is a good day.  And that bothers me.  As much as I try to put my attention where it needs to go, when it needs to go there, I fail at it more. 

 

I am surrounded by people who love me, who have not always supported every decision I have made but always accepted them, who stand by me always.  Without them, I would be over my head instead of just up to my chin in crazy. 

 

It seems that the only way for me to get where I want is to take the mountain road, while I appreciate the lessons, sometimes I don’t. I want an easy button, or a snapshot into the future that will show me that this all really IS worth it and it really WILL pay off in the end.  Because what if it doesn’t?

Car Parts and Pastry

Lets start out on a positive note here:
I have surpassed my goal weight.  By 1.6lbs as of 8pm last night. I stood on the scale twice to make sure it wasn’t broken.
And yet, the muffin top prevails.
In excess.
Something I have realized – the more weight i loose, the more muffin-e my top gets.  Ironic or Idiotic? Both.  More idiotic than anything though.  Clearly stretching your belly skin to astronomical proportions does something to the elasticity.
I think the only way to remedy this situation is to workout. And do 234911 crunches a day. And pushups. And Jillian Michaels 30day Shred. Which I try to do. Rarely.  I use the same excuse as everyone else – I don’t have enough time. Which I don’t. Because writing papers, blogging and sleeping tend to take up too much of my time. 
I have talked about my struggle with time, managing it and making time for everyone/everything for months now.  I am reporting here that I still have not figured it all out.  
I had a thought last week that I will work out before I go to work.  Well, a few days last week I had to be at work EARLY (like I had to be there the same time I usually wake up!). No matter how quiet I was, the baby still woke up when I left.  Probably jumping around sweating to the oldies would have the same effect on the little bug’s sleep, which would be bad.  So, 5am workouts at home are not going to be an option.
Something working in my favor (for once!) is the time changing this weekend means more light when I get home from work. And the snow – it’s GONE and the temperature is starting to rise.   Which means I can run outside! I am very excited about this.  Crossing my fingers that this fits into the schedule a few days a week.
If there is one thing lighting a fire under my ass (which I hope, as an added bonus,  melts off some of the excess in that area) it’s the spare tire growing around my mid section.  I am pissed that I weigh less than before I got pregnant yet I am wearing pants 1-2 sizes bigger.  I am pissed that I feel like a lardass and don’t want to have sex with my husband, as muffin-e middles will do that to a girl.
The car parts and pastry that I am carrying around with me NEED to go.  What are your most tried & true work outs that help you get toned and looking sexy?  Who is going to help keep me accountable?

Life is like a roll of toilet paper. or some shit like that.

We know, by now, that life tends to move faster the older we get.

Remember when watching a 30 minute television show seemed like an ETERNITY?

Or when summer vacation lasted so long you were actually excited to go back to school in the fall?

Or how about when taking an hour to do nothing was *just* enough time to regroup?

And now -

An hour goes by in less than 20 minutes

A month is over before it began

And each year sort of fast forwards into the next.

Why is it that as grown-ups we lose that slow pace to life we had as a child? I know what you are thinking – because we are GROWN UPS, Andrea, Duh!!  Grown-up’s have a lot of responsibility, a social life, children, bills, work, Google calendars that are bursting at the seams with PLANS!  And. If we don’t have all of these things to do – then others may judge us as unsuccessful. LOSERS if you will. 

This is ridiculous.

I can honestly not think of a time since my honeymoon where I had nothing to do. Where I could just sit. When I could truthfully answer that nothing was on my mind (even though I say it all the time now, I am lying, I just don’t like to talk). 

Now? I do not know a time where I am only single-tasking.  My mind is always going a million directions, and that is on a slow day.  So no wonder when I sit down to write or breathe or eat it feels like I have only been doing that activity for 10 minutes when really it has been an hour. Plans and due dates rule my life. Lists control it.

I miss out on things. I may be physically present. But mentally – 80% of the time I am somewhere totally different (even during sex, but you already knew that).  I need to teach myself how to just sit and enjoy a moment.  Sometimes I will just sit and watch G play with her toys (while fighting the urge to take more pictures) and I am envious of her innocence.

One of my goals is to try and be more present. to not let time pass before I have experienced it. to actually make the memories, not just capture them on camera. 

pieces

• I hate washing bottles, probably a tie between that and changing the diaper genie for worst baby related chores.
• Hate is a really strong word. I do not hate anyone in my life, even if I want to. What I do hate is that I am nice to everyone, whether they deserve it or not, and it gets me no where but frustrated a lot. But, I am not the kind of person that can be mean unless I am provoked, and even then, I usually get upset with a smile on my face. At least not out loud.
• I have an eye doctor appointment next week and I am really excited. I have never been able to see, but lately it is much much worse. My glasses are pointless.
• We went out to dinner tonight, it started out that we were going somewhere with alocoholic beverages and we ended up at IHOP.
• My semester started today, I am sad to be away from the baby and even though she doesn't notice or care that I am gone, it kills me. I know it is for the best, it just doesn't always feel like it.
• I think I feel worse about working and school today because G has been really sick this week. So sick we had our first trip to the ER. (all is fine.... it's just a virus.....::insert eye roll + angry face::) and I was at work. Not home with my sick baby. And that, made me sick.
• Mike was home with her, which made me feel about 1/10th better about the situation.
• Speaking of Mike, he has been looking for months for a job in video production/editing/broadcasting with out luck. Any ideas on what else he can do to get a job in his industry?
• I have been working out more and I feel great about it! Lets hope it keeps up with the busy semester ahead. Also, because I got a gift certificate to go tanning for christmas but I am holding out on using it until I look and feel better about myself.
• My project 365 is going well. I really like it, even if I only upload the pictures once a week or so.
• Oh and my laptop - it died. Well, the screen died. If I didn't have bad luck, I would have no luck at all.

1...2....3.....

• work out 3 days a week
• take one picture every day
• say one positive thing each morning

I want to work out more - because I like it and I need to get rid of the jiggle. And, lets face it, I want to go shopping and be able to buy clothes I like and that feel good on me.

Pictures and photography are an itty bitty hobby of mine, so I think I can manage project 365. Follow it here because I won't be posting a picture every single day on the 'ol blog. I would never remember to do that. And, I am really excited to do this - wait until you see what my life is like - for real.

Because most days end up crappy between work and life and stress and blah - I figure if I start them out on a more positive note, it might make the ending a little softer. Trying the glass 3/4 full approach for 2010. I actually made this a daily goal on my sparkpeople.com page so I can track it.