Giannaisms: Special Edition

As always, Miss G is keeping us on her toes with her whit, sarcasm and general shenanigans!
A sampling for your Friday:

::in an attempt to get out of riding in the cart at the store::
G: Aunt Jacqui, do they have floors at Wal-Mart?
J: Yes.....
G: I think they are for little girls to walk on....

::in an attempt to drive her mother nuts::
{{back story - my sisters have a cat, who we thought was a girl}}

G walks up the steps at my parent's house yelling "Papa keeps sayin' the cat has bawlls*"

again in the car last night:
G: bawlls! (hysterical laughter)
Me: Gianna, don't say that!
G: (after an appropriate amount of silence) BAWLLS!!! (even more hysterical laughter)
::in an attempt to melt our hearts::
A few weeks ago:
Mike: Gianna, do you think you would like it if we had a baby at our house?
G: Ya, that would be cool.  Like baby Luci**?
Mike: Ya, do you think you would like if Mommy had a baby in her belly like Aunt Jacqui?
G: A SISTER????  (comes to me, lifts up my shirt and says "Hi baby sister!!")
When will she be here? Tomorrow?
Us: No, not for a long time, after it snows outside
G: will it snow tomorrow?

One morning before work:
G: Is baby sister hungry?
Me: Um, I dont' think so.
G: yes she is, I'm going to feed her a muffin (places muffin on my stomach!)

Earlier this week:
G: Daddy keeps teasin' me that I'm gunna have a brother. But I'm not - it's a sister
Me: Well, we don't really know yet, it could be a brother.
G: No.

Yesterday:
Me: Come here, G - I have to show you something really cool.
G: What is it Mawwwmy***?
Me: Here, look at this:

I seriously can't even believe this is happening.

G: WOAH! Is that a picture of my sister?? She is SOOO cute! Can she come out now?


So, there you have it.
1 year of tears, frustration, heartache and nothing going "according to plan"
4 months of testing and various medical interventions
2 RE's
2 months of clomid,et al.
1 perfect, beautiful little human who was worth it all without question
1 big sister who has no idea what she is in for
and 2 parents who couldn't be happier that our dreams of expanding our family will be realized on or around January 30, 2013.

We ALL love you more than you even know already, little one.

*I really really really hate the word balls.

** that's my niece's name! I can't wait to meet her soon!

*** she always says mommy so weird when she is excited, or whining

Assisted baby making v. 2.0

Read {Versions 1.0 and 1.1}

• We the April cycle off due to a cyst from the clomid. 
• And I decided that I was ultimately not happy with how things were going with Dr. Wonderful & co.  Ya, he was really nice but no one would ever TELL me anything/appease my need for knowledge. 
• I got a recommendation for Dr. SuperAwesome and decided, why not? It wasn’t going to hurt anything to talk to someone else. 
• And it turns out, I really really like him and he was way more on track with what we wanted/needed/could afford etc.
• So, clomid crazies round two commenced.
• Except the worst side effect I have from all of this is acne.  It is the worst I have EVER had in my life.  And let me tell you – it seriously sucks!
• Reading the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy is a great way to make the baby making not feel so “assisted” if you get my drift.  (no really, I did like the books though – I was kinda sad when I finished the last one!)
• Nothing all that exciting this time, just waiting and still trying not to let my mind wander to any dark places.

Friday Night Leftovers

• I’ve been helping my BFF look for houses – she lives in a different state and is moving back here with her JUST BORN TODAY BABY GIRL(!) and husband in July.  It’s an interesting position to be in – but I’m blessed she trusts me enough to take on such a responsibility for them.
• I LOVE looking at houses. And have a recent, rather large, obsession with house hunters right now. We aren’t moving or even thinking about moving for at least a year, but still, I obsess. And continuously increase my mental to-do list.
• Three year olds are pretty awesome creatures.  G and I have had some pretty excellent days lately (or rather, 2 hours in the evening before bed) and it just makes my heart so incredibly happy.
• Yesterday was an appointment with a new RE. He’s super freaking nice and down to earth and very much the opposite level of aggressiveness as my other RE.
• We have a plan, that fits our needs and our budget, for right now.  I know that if this processes isn’t successful though, we can move forward as we feel comfortable with his support. It just feels like a better fit for us.
• On that note, this is officially the 12th month of TTC #2. The 12th heartbreaking month.  I am confident this journey will end with another baby in our arms because this pain, it can’t last forever, right?
• I have some big blog posts semi constructed in my head. Some are a little heavy, some aren’t.  I just can’t seem to get them to make sense.
• Is it spring time yet? I’m ready for the weather here to make up its mind and stay nice!

Don’t Ignore #NIAW

When we decided we were ready to add to our family, we anticipated that history might repeat itself and the journey to adding to our family could be long-ish.  But we didn’t anticipate the loss. Or the heartache. Or the frustration.
When you decide you are ready to become a mother (again), you never imagine that the journey will be anything but quick and easy.  Until it is anything but quick and easy and you earn your ticket to Infertility Island.
And when that happens, it sucks. It feels like everyone in your world is pregnant and flaunting their fertility in your face.
And it hurts.
For a good while I didn’t let myself feel the hurt, the heartache or the actual LOSS of the miscarriages. I sort of forgot to feel anything, really. 
I was just numb, going through the motions, living in 2 week increments, just kind of existing in a sense.  Pushing all those emotions and feelings away because maybe then they just wouldn’t exist. 
Except that didn’t work so well.
I forgot it was okay to FEEL.
So, if you are in this place -  don’t ignore your feelings– because it’s okay to feel, to be happy/angry/frustrated/whatever you want or need to be, to adjust to the (shitty) experience that is infertility.
And when friends and family make comments to you about your “situation” or how “at least you know you can get pregnant” or even that “maybe you should spend your money on adoption, that would be easier” and the generous comment about how they want to “share their fertility with you” – don’t forget – they mean well, they just have no clue what to say (or how stabby it makes you).
Don’t ignore your own needs– this is YOUR journey, YOUR story, YOUR experience and you need to do what is right and what makes sense for YOU.  It will be worth it in the end – whatever that means.
But most importantly if you are fighting the Bitch that is Infertility, don’t forget you are not alone.

Infertility Island

Have you ever experienced something that you can’t explain to someone despite your best effort?

Or something that anyone who hasn’t experienced it first hand can not possibly begin to understand?

That would be what infertility feels like.

And it makes you feel like, as a good friend described, like you’re on an island.  Not quite a deserted island, but an island with people who understand EXACTLY what you are going through.

Infertility Island.

It’s a place no one wants to visit, but the people that are on the island, at least in my experience, are some of the nicest women I have ever met.

Everyone on the island has a different experience (naturally) – some are childless, some like me – are suffering from secondary infertility, there are stories of adoption, treatments and everything in between. But the common thread on the island is the desire to build a family, and the inability to do so easily.

Infertility Island is full of the strongest women you have ever met.  There is no room for the weak stuff here – it’s all about the Survivor Mentality.  We are all fighting the same battle in our own way.  It’s nice to have people to talk to who know how you feel, what you mean and can offer the support that often times, no one else can.

And I swear, there is a section of the island just for husbands – where they can wait until we need their support. 

Because, at least in my experience, husbands don’t always quite “get it” – which is okay, considering as all of the STUFF isn’t happening to their body.  They don’t take the medicine, get the pleasure of the ultrasound wand, feel the pain or the heartache that comes approximately every 28 days to the same degree.  But they are there when we need them, on stand by, if you will  - to provide a shoulder for tears, arms for hugs, lips for supportive words (and kisses) and even when they don’t understand it all – ears for listening.  I don’t think (my) husband always knows how much it means to me when he just listens to me and lets me use his shoulder – I’m pretty strong but sometimes, I just need that extra support to keep me upright.

I don’t think anyone truly ever leaves and certainly never forgets what it was like to live on Infertility Island.  There are all kinds of bridges built to take us on and off the island, but I really just don’t think it’s a place we ever truly leave behind once we have been there.  It is an experience that shapes us, builds appreciation for what we have (or will have) in our lives, adds character and connects us to other women who will remain in our hearts forever. 

Infertility Island can be one SCARY place – a place of unknowns, confusion, infinite levels of frustration and sadness – but it can also be a place of strength, hope and love.

I hope with all my being that the population on Infertility Island stays at a minimum, but if you have to cross that bridge and visit – know you aren’t alone and that there are people here that will support you and hope for you when you don’t have the energy to do it yourself.

If you find yourself in this place – there are some excellent resources to check out – Bloggers For Hope - an outreach of Chance to Hope – a foundation built to offer financial help and resources to give couples a chance to build the family they hope for.  There is also Resolve – the national infertility association.

Friday Night Leftovers: Plans edition

• I was able to work from home today – it was a much needed morning with my family.
• We finished all of our advanced dining reservations for our August Walt Disney World trip and I am so stupidly excited for this trip!
• There are still lots of plans that need to be made – like our plane reservations and I want to plan some fun stuff to bring for Gianna.
• I had a monitoring ultrasound today for this cycle.  We had really been debating what we wanted to do this month – but we were just going to move forward with clomid/IUI again.
• Except I have a cyst, so we’ll just be moving forward on our own for another month.
• God totally has a sense of humor – I even chuckled as I was leaving the office today.  Considering as he totally made the choice about what to do this month pretty crystal clear.
• Funny how He gives us little glimpses of His plan for us when we least expect it.
• Surprisingly, I am okay with all of this.  I don’t really have a choice, of course, but mentally, I feel okay with it.
• So all of my energy for the month will go in to Easter and planning Gianna’s birthday party.
• I have a really fun idea for her birthday pictures, so that’s exciting.  I also have about a million ideas (a’la Pineterest, natch) for her party – I need to get.on.the.ball with all that.
• We finally started the long-standing mental plans I have had to move the rooms around and get some better organization in this house.
• But, my plans for the rest of the weekend involve a bottle of Barefoot Moscato, a jewelry show tomorrow, an easter egg hunt on Sunday and some more of said bottle of Moscato. 

Game over. Try again.

I had a thought this morning as I stared at a digital pregnancy test that was all but screaming “not pregnant” at me. again.

These damn things should at least be more entertaining if they are going to deliver bad news, especially so early in the morning.

Something along the lines of “try again, bitch” would have at least made me chuckle this morning.

Or “Bwahahaha. No.”

“game over” or “better luck next time” could also work.

I think “Maybe if you just would have relaxed” would be a fan favorite.

Although, they are probably going to have to make that little window bigger to fit all the snark.

And if (when) it is positive? There will be instant cheers and a flash mob. And someone to snap a picture so you can forever capture that look of shock, awe and bedhead all wrapped into one nice little package.

For the record, Jen and I totally have the market cornered on this and plan to live the rest of our lives, after we make our millions off of THE digital pregnancy test full o’ snark, with a pool boy feeding us alcohol and helping us into our spanks. Or something like that.

assisted baby making v. 1.1

continued from v. 1.0 post

- Dr. Wonderful said, as he was doing the PCT – we are probably going to see “nice clear cervical mucous with lots of good sperm” – I’ll be right back with the results.

- He came back REALLY fast. And when the first words out of a medical professionals mouth are “don’t let this news ruin your day” – you are probably screwed.

- Dr. Wonderful, while he really is wonderful, is also very matter of fact.  So he put it to me straight (which I like) and basically said the best chance for success with this cycle was insemination. tomorrow. and that will be $300.

- I didn't even know this was a possibility – sure I had THOUGHT about “what if” we got to the point of needing to do an IUI, but never did I even imagine that decision would need to be made EVER. let alone in less than 24 hours because no one mentioned the fact that after the PCT – things might need to change. 

- it was a tough, tough day – Mike and I hadn’t talked about this – and both have very strong feelings about this stuff.

- ultimately, we went through with it and for 3 of 5 days last week, a peek at the lady parts by a medical professional is how I started my day.

- did you know after an IUI you can get super bloated and have ridiculous cramps? I didn’t. But I do know.

- I need to have all the facts, and the hardest part of this cycle have been all the unknowns – all the things I wish I had known ahead of time just to be prepared.  But now I know and I survived and am better prepared should I need to be in the future.

- so here we are. in that damn TWW. wondering what has gone so wrong with my body since I had Gianna.  wondering what, should we need to, we will do next, differently, and when it would all go down because we do know that back to back medicated cycles are probably out of the picture for us.  I hate how much my mind wanders sometimes, and I am really trying to just let it be – because it really is out of my hands at this point.

assisted baby making v. 1.0

* I started this obviously, at the beginning of the month, and hesitated to post it – but again, obviously, changed my mind.  Mostly because there is so much I wish I had known in the beginning, and maybe other people would like to know this stuff too.   The whole timeline etc. is broken up into 2 posts.

- CD1 came, as expected.  And I was told to come in for an ultrasound and to bring $175 since our insurance doesn’t cover infertility treatments. I wasn’t too sure what the ultrasound was for but I figured I should just go with it. 

So I went in, had the ultrasound and got the prescription for the goods.  I really was not prepared for all that was coming my way.  Clomid. Hcg. Progesterone. On top of the prenatal, foltex and baby aspirin. Wooh. My husband is a little taken aback by the idea that the progesterone goes IN my vagina.  As am I, I guess but eh.

- I took the first clomid pill on CD4 and did not turn in to an instant bitch like I thought I might. In fact, it was pretty uneventful besides the daily headache.  Which may or may not have been from the drugs.

- I have been temping for about 4 or 5 cycles now and I have noticed that my temperatures are MUCH higher, almost a full degree, than what they are typically.  could be the clomid? could be exhaustion leading to user error too, I suppose.  still – kind of weird.

- Sometimes I feel as if I should FEEL something about all of this – but I am kind of numb, like I hate that this what needs to happen, but I accept it and just want to move on.  I know Mike isn’t entirely on the same page as me with how far we will go in regards to treatments, but I am just staying quietly hopeful that we won’t need to go any further.

- Our monitoring ultrasound showed 1 good, 1 okay and 2 small follicles and ended with an HcG trigger shot in the ass. Uneventful, overall.

- we had to do a post coital test the next morning.  that was as unpleasant as it sounds and ended in a totally unexpected way.

Struggles and Patience

I have been struggling a LOT with my faith lately.  I WANT to give it all up to Him, but I am a control freak.And I have been really angry, if I am being truthful. 

It pretty much all has to do with infertility, but I bet you knew that already.  Probably because when I think about it, I shouldn’t be trying to get pregnant right now – I should BE pregnant. Had I not lost those babies.    I know that I can’t think that way – but when I see and hear of people close to me experiencing things in their pregnancies I can’t help but think that I could be there too.  Except I’m not. And it feels unfair and just makes me want to scream some days. But that had to happen – for some reason that was part of my path.

But I really have been trying to just let it go. To know in my heart that this is how my life is meant to be and it’s okay that I just don’t GET it.  But my head, well, it’s missing the message.

I’ve been ignoring Him a little bit lately. Not literally, but I haven’t really felt much like going to church these days. Except, these are the times, the times of struggle and when patience is thin, when I should be there. Which I am fully aware of.

I went to church today – and like always – I felt like Pastor was talking to me.  Especially when he was speaking about how Jesus was good at making people uncomfortable by telling the truth.  One of those being that if we can’t be happy in our struggles and through the trials of life – we will never truly be happy.  And if we can’t be happy when we cry, we will never laugh.

What that was saying to me was – OPEN YOUR EYES AND JUST BE HAPPY – be happy with the beautiful family you do have. Be happy with the home you have. The jobs you have (this has been another, unrelated struggle).  Just be happy. Because whatever is causing the tears/anger/struggle will end and in order to appreciate it’s end, you have to appreciate the beginning and the middle too.

that sounds so simple, doesn’t it? but I think we all know that is definitely easier said than done.  And in my life, there are constant trials – constantly I feel like if THIS would happen, THEN I will be truly happy.  and like I am just always taking 1 step forward and 3 or 4 backward. 

Except I feel that I AM truly happy with my life.  But I tend to just dwell on things that in all reality, I can’t change.  (control freak, coming into play again).

I just explained this to Mike the other day (and I don’t think he really got what I was saying) I am HAPPY with my life. With the people and experiences and content of my life. I am not, however, satisfied with my life.  I know there is more for me to be – more children for me to mother, more knowledge to obtain, more love to give.  I hope that I am never SATISFIED with my life and am constantly growing, learning, challenging, etc.  The lines of happiness and satisfaction can get blurred, and sometimes that is okay, but sometimes it’s just confusing.  Right now, it’s a little confusing!

A very amazing friend also shared with me today something that goes along with this and really it made me smile, because God, he is funny sometimes.  He works through people in ways that never cease to amaze me.  So, she shared with me James 1:2-4:

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

and the biblical definition of perseverance – which is the most powerful piece to this whole story – “patient endurance of hardship”. 

When I read that, I just sat for a minute.  How true.  How I really, really, needed to hear that today.  It is NOT about the ability to hurry through our troubles, but our ability to PATIENTLY ENDURE them.  To see them through, because we are growing and God is working through us and in the end – we will be complete and we will be so much MORE than when we started.

While I am looking forward to the end of this hardship, I am beginning to see the beauty in perseverance as well.  I have had some experiences lately, that until today, didn’t mean a whole lot to me – but looking back, I can see the lessons they were meant to teach and the people they were meant to touch. 

Struggles, patience and love – three things that make up so much of life. 

Weekend Rambles

• Zumba was SO FUN! I am excited to go back!
• I had my baseline ultrasound for this cycle on Friday. It was uneventful and Clomid started yesterday. But you know what sucks? The fact that my insurance pays for ZERO % of any of this. 
• It was kind of like, okay, so you started your period – we’ll see you in 2 days and bring your money tree.  Or at least that’s how it felt.  I just wasn’t prepared for the expense of multiple ultrasounds and HcG and Progesterone on top of everything.  It’s okay. Just a surprise.
• I also was not prepared for Gianna to wake up yesterday morning at 4am puking.  That was a terrific way to wake up on a Saturday.
• This is only the 2nd time in her life that she has actually vomited like an adult.  And it was really sad because she was SO confused at what was happening to her.
• I am thankful we do not have carpet. Because getting her to the bathroom or to aim was not happening.
• She must have either had the shortest stomach virus ever or ate something she shouldn’t have, because she was totally fine after she woke up at about 10:30am.
• I had a jewelry show yesterday and I am doing a training show for one of my new jewelers today. I think in the end I will have worked at least one job for 12 or 13 days in a row.  A lot of days I will have worked 2 jobs.  I’m already ready for a nap.
• Gianna went on a surprise pancake date with her Papa this morning, he is seriously her favorite person ever! She was so excited!
• Mike and I have been cleaning (operation organization!) the kitchen and living room – we cleared off the top of the refrigerator, took care of the bookshelf clutter and are working on finally getting out TV mounted on the wall.  We got the wall mount for christmas….
• I want to go shopping
• Because of yesterdays crazy – I was asleep before 9pm. And I slept until about 7:30 this morning – I so badly needed that rest!
• We have a really hard time scheduling time to hang out with our friends because of our crazy schedules and weekends – it kind of sucks.
• Yesterday I moved almost all of the 2T clothes out of Gianna’s drawers and packed it away.  How big my girl is getting. It’s almost unbelievable.
• Speaking of that big girl, I need to make her birthday invites!
• We still can’t decide where or even when to take a vacation this year.  Beach? Disney? Something completely different? May? October? So many things to think about!

Things that make you go “huh?”

I try to be sensitive in any comment I make, especially toward someone I don’t know well, because I have no idea what their life is like. Not always successful, I am sure, but I do try. So if I have ever said some kind of asshole-esque comment to you, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that!

You never know what a person is dealing with or experiencing in their life, and while most people don’t intend to be assholes, it sure can feel like it when the wrong comment comes at you on the right day.

a few examples related to our current struggles to add to our family that just generally make me want to scream:

“Just wait until you have two kids {add pretty much any comment that makes parenting seem harder here}” – one of the worst things someone who is struggling to have another child can hear.

“everyone’s pregnant. Must be something in the water” – Yes it must be. One of the worst thing ANYONE struggling to have a child can hear. also insights instant RAGE.

“you only have 1 kid, why do you have such a big car?” – well. because. why do you care?

“I got pregnant every time my husband looked at me” – good.for.you. I get a stabby every time I hear that comment.

“just relax, it’ll happen in time” – I.KNOW.THAT. But guess what? RELAXING is not always the answer.  Unless you don’t want me to talk to you anymore.  And, truthfully and oddly enough, I have been the most relaxed since we started going to see Dr. Wonderful.  There is something to say for the comfort of a plan, I think.

“have you tried it this way. on this day. this many times. etc.etc. etc.” – YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, OF COURSE WE HAVE. I feel like most people don’t want to know the mechanics of HOW we do the deed – but suffice it to say, we have done it that way and tried that technique. And here we are.

“when is Gianna going to be a big sister?” or any variation of this question = I DON’T FUCKING KNOW. Now go away. (admittedly this is probably one of the most innocent questions people ask, so I get that. It just sucks that I truly don’t know. And it hurts to talk about it)

I probably hear several of these each week. Sometimes they just roll right off the shoulders – other times they sit on my heart like a lead weight.  Like I said, I know comments like these aren’t meant to insight rage, but some days they just do. End of story.

What are things that people say to you that just make you want to smack your head or slap them across the face? Related or unrelated to TTC (I can do a whole other post on random things people say to me that make me go “REALLY??”)

Valentines Date with Dr. Wonderful

Our follow-up with Dr. Wonderful was on Tuesday – it made for a very romantic start to valentine’s day.

As I expected, we talked for a few minutes and he said that “you appear to have ovarian function. your uterus looks normal.  Mike’s sperm are normal in shape, number and movement”  And that was about the end of that.

the genetic screenings came back normal – expected, but always good to hear.

So now what.

We talked about just timing intercourse with a trigger shot – but I didn’t really like that plan.  So Clomid is the next likely coarse of action.

Dr. Wonderful is a FAST talker – but I think I caught everything he was saying.

Next cycle I will call them, they call in the Clomid Rx and schedule a monitoring appointment and post-coital test (dreading that part) with a trigger shot & progesterone after ovulation.  In the meantime I am supposed to take 81mg aspirin, foltex and my regular prenatal. 

After we talked about that, he figured we might as well “take a peek” at my ovaries to see how things were going this cycle. He said I had a 14mm follicle so, and I quote “since it’s valentine’s day and I am sure you will see your husband tonight, I want you to have sex tonight. Again on Thursday, Saturday and if you have the energy, Monday”

I have never been given a prescription for sex before. First time for everything, huh?

The best part of the appointment was the fact that he asked if I was okay with everything.  Quite honestly, I didn’t think we would be here, so “okay” is relative, and he talks REALLY fast, almost too fast to think of any questions.

I am a little freaked out about the whole thing just because it’s new and not something I really am excited to do. I have an idea of what to expect with the medicine.  Are there any questions I should be asking when (if?) I call Dr. Wonderful at the beginning of the cycle? I like to be prepared.

So I guess, here we go!

A post in which I vent a little

This is probably going to be totally random, but I just need to get it out there.

Today was the baby shower for one of my best friends, that I threw.  It was a pretty great party (pictures soon!) and I hope that she feels overwhelmed with love and support.

But as I was watching Gianna interact during the “gift opening” – all her “O! That’s so CUTE!” comments and general cuteness over all the “itty bitty tiny things” – my heart began hurting.  I fought back tears at one point (a benefit of having your eye behind the camera)  because I want, with all that I have, for Gianna to be a big sister. To love another child like I love her. 

I don’t like to talk about where we are at with the TTC process very much (especially in public situations), so questions and comments like “how’s the baby making going?” or “when is Gianna going to have a little brother/sister?”, while I KNOW the person isn’t asking to be an asshole (in fact trying to be the opposite, I am sure) or really has any idea of the situation, it still is upsetting.  I generally just say “it’s going” or “someday” in response and leave it at that.  Honest to goodness, I dream of the day when I can say we are adding to our family.

We were supposed to visit our friends who just had a new baby tonight, and while I am sad that I couldn’t make it (Gianna needed to stay home and “sleep in my own bed” after a long day today), I feel like that wasn’t going to be a good place for me to be tonight.  As much as I want to meet the little guy and snuggle him up, I don’t. 

I wish these feelings would just go away and I could be my usual happy self all of the time – but they are what they are.  And I AM generally happy, but sometimes I just want to feel sorry for myself and vent on my blog because I can. 

Also, I normally would never wish for CD1, but I just wish it was here so we could get on with this process – waiting sucks. And the hard thing is, there is still that little bit of naive hope that CD1 won’t come around for 10 months. 

Up close and personal with Dr. Wonderful

Tuesday (I guess that would be yesterday) we had our first appt with the RE, we’ll call him Dr. Wonderful* for now.

Unfortunately (but fortunately for me) several of my close friends has been to him and they each RAVED about how great he was.  One of the warned me he talks fast, and that was spot.on.  But it wasn’t talksofastitsannoying so, I can deal.

Anyway -

We went over the book of paperwork we brought in with a resident first – she took our unremarkable medical history and then Dr. Wonderful came in and got right to the point.  Which I like, because I don’t like to mess around.

He went over what we would do first, and then he said the magic words, “we will talk about where to go next”. Not “and then you’ll start X medicine without any further discussion”. Individualized treatment is so key, in my opinion, so it’s refreshing to see that he appears on board with that.

So we got up close and personal in the exam room, he told me I have beautiful ovaries and a tipped uterus. I had blood taken for a genetic screen, got instructions on when to schedule another saline ultrasound and CD3 blood work and a prescription for a zpack. 

Mike got up close and personal with the….uh….sample room.  He said, and I quote, “they put one of those dog pee pad things on a leather chair, how do you think it went?” followed by comments of how he could not touch the 3 playboys or the sharpie to write his name on the container.  And….I can’t say I blame him on that one.

So we are just going through the steps to the next part in this journey.  And while I wish this journey on no one, I am thankful to have such good company.

Sunday Random Ramblings

• I haven’t participated in ICLW in awhile, but HI! to my new friends who are visiting from there!
• Check out the about me section for the readers digest version of my life, and ask away if you want to know anything.  You can follow me on Twitter and Facebook too if you just can’t get enough here!
• This weekend I was in Columbus for the Premier Designs rally, this was my 3rd one since becoming a jeweler last year and it was just as great as all the others.  It was made even better because over 1/2 of my “team” of jewelers came with me – we had a really great time and I think they are all inspired to work their businesses to the best of their ability.
• And the new jewelry is pretty fabulous, I can’t wait until mine arrives!
• I’ve had a cold all week/weekend, I am worthless when I’m sick.
• Gianna has been talking since she woke up this morning. I mean that literally, I don’t think she has been silent longer than to take a drink here and there.  It’s awesome to hear her talk and see her imagination at work. But also slightly exhausting.
• I need my eyebrows waxed and my toes done. In a really bad way.
• We signed her up for preschool (for September). Holy shit. How is she old enough for that?
• So I decided to check on my traffic sources stats today – I am a little disturbed.  I got 45 hits from “potty poop 2011” and 9/10 of the keyword searches that landed people here had to do with the potty, pooping or peeing. What the heck? My kid is not even potty trained, this could possibly be a sign that she SHOULD be, but I still find it to be weird that of all the things I talk about on my blog – THIS is what has landed people here…..
• Our appt with the RE and Mike’s SA are both Tuesday. I filled out the paperwork and am officially freaked out about the insurance situation, but I am trying not to worry about that until someone gives me a reason to.
• Stay tuned this week for a pretty hilarious She Said post. Gianna is full of the hilarious lately.
• Happy lazy Sunday!

What do you call it?

The technical definition of Infertility is one year of attempting to become pregnant without success. So what is it called when you are where I am? Subfertility? Secondary uterine-backlash?

I have had 7 cycles since my Mirena was taken out. with 2 early miscarriages. Lots of tears. Lots of anger and frustration.

And I feel alone.

And like the only person who can’t successfully conceive and carry a child.

When I say that nearly EVERYONE we are close with is pregnant/just gave birth, that is not an exaggeration.  And when I say I have all but lost the ability to express my excitement for them, that is not an exaggeration either. It makes me feel like a terrible friend, but honestly, the sadness and frustration are overwhelming and grow with each "announcement" I hear.  Of course, I AM happy for them - it's fantastic.  But it makes me feel even more broken and alone because 90% or more of them were not trying to get pregnant. That is the part that feels unfair.  The most recent "announcement" was supposed to be over dinner with our friends, which we couldn't make.  God knew that I would not be able to handle that in person, I think.  When my husband told me his best friend and his wife are pregnant with twins (their second natural twin pregnancy) I lost it. i would have never been able to stay composed had they told me, and they will never understand (thankfully) what Mike and I have been going through.

I think I needed to cry like that, because I really hadn't yet.

I'm not quite sure where to go from here.

Yes, We have one beautiful child who we love more than words. But this family is far from complete.

We have an appointment with our ob/gyn on the 16th – I set it up after my last ultrasound “just in case”, hoping I would be able to turn it into a pregnancy appointment.

In the back of mind mind, I figured we would be here though, trying to figure out the next step in this journey.

Except I don’t really know WHAT this step is.

We had the RPL panel. Normal.  We had the saline ultrasound. Normal. I've been temping - my cycles are a little wacky, but my LP is a predictable 12 days no matter what day I O.

So what IS the next step in this road?  I have been toying with cancelling the appointment because I feel it might be pointless.  But I know that if I don’t go, I’ll continue to be frustrated and feeling like I am running in place.

We, like most people, do not have infertility coverage. So I really don’t know what happens now. I know they can “code around” to a certain extent, but still, it all makes me a little nervous.

I like to have a game plan, I don’t want to walk in to the appointment with a blank look on my face, because I am not sure where that is going to get me.

If you have been here before, what is your story? What did you do next?

Any and all advice is welcome.

It’s Just a Gate

At church a few weeks ago a guest pastor was preaching and the whole background of his sermon was that life is full of gates.  Gates open and close.

Every challenge we face? It’s just a gate.

Sometimes the gate feels like it is 20 feet high and being held shut by the forces of 3000 men, but it is still JUST a gate.  It has to open.  The challenge or obstacle or whatever it is WILL end.

Unemployment? It was just a gate allowing me to finish my Masters with honors, spend much needed time with my daughter and that gate opened up to a really great job opportunity.

Financial struggles? They are just a gate into what we REALLY need in our lives.  Turns out it’s not much. 

Car trouble? Just a gate that stays shut long enough so I would slow down for a week.

Trouble conceiving? I know it is just a gate. And I know when it opens, the struggle will have been worth it. I HAVE to know that. I also HAVE to know that as much as I push, He will open it for me.  It’s pretty much the hardest thing for me to remember and believe, but I know it’s a pretty important thing. And the gate will open….  It WILL.

People coming in to and out of our lives? Gates to memories and experiences and lessons.

Everyone has their own gates to go through, to lean against, to push back on.  And they are always changing.  I sometimes just need to keep it all in perspective – while right now having trouble conceiving is my biggest source of stress and frustration – I know it’s not in my control and for once in a very, very, really super long time – this is the only big bad gate in my life. 

He has opened up everything else and poured so much happiness and success in to my life the past 4 months that sometimes I just have to sit back and remember where I was last year.  So many of those struggles are behind us and a new one is in our lives.

And I look at her face every day

and know that if He opened that gate to us once, surely He will do it again.  And I pray and hope for that every day.

Friday Night Leftovers: thankful edition

• I am thankful to Danifred for letting me spill out some of the random thoughts that I want to write down in bullet point form.
• It is the end of November in Ohio. and the weather has been fantastic.
• So fantastic that I raked the leaves today. Without a jacket.
• Also, I hate raking leaves. HOW do people get them all?
• What I hate raking more than leaves is picking up dog poop. BECAUSE I DO NOT HAVE A DOG. Our neighbors let them fucking obnoxious ass dogs poop in our yard. daily. And then act all “oh, we were going to get that” whenever we see them outside.
• Related: I will probably not be able to brush my hair tomorrow thanks to the old raking skills. And general out of shapeness.
• Charting is surprisingly easier and a lot less annoying, so far, than I expected it to be.
• I am going to a baby shower tomorrow, if it weren’t for such a good friend, I would so not be going. Mentally, it is going to be a little tough on me but I know I should be there for my friend.
• Did a little bit of shopping today, honestly my best deal was the free toothpaste I got at Walgreens, but I did get some other good deals and finished Gianna’s gifts.
• Thanks for all the christmas card picture votes from earlier this week – I’ll be sure to show off the final version!
• Three out of the last four nights, my daughter has slept at someone else’s house – it was SO WEIRD! 
• But due to her extremely busy week, our plans for tonight kind of fizzled out when she kept saying “I am tired. I wanna go to bed” She was snoring before we got out of the parking lot!
• The best part about this week? MY BABY SISTER GOT ENGAGED!! Holy shit, my BABY sister is going to get married. I am totally excited for her.
• I hope you ALL had a great day/weekend with your family. And ate some good food.

It’s a Mental Journey

It has been 6 months since we actively started TTC for a second child. 

It has been about a year since I was mentally and emotionally ready to add to our family.  But life a year ago, was not at all ideal for TTC, so we did the mature thing and waited and I mentally planned.

So for that reason, it feels like this journey has been a lot longer than it actually has so far. 

I see friends with kids G’s age and I see those kids as big brothers/sisters (many 1, 2 or 3 times over by now) - I want to cry. I see and watch Gianna talk about babies, take care of “her” babies and the other night when she was reading a book and mentioned that the little girls in the book were “me and that’s my sista” – I almost lost my shit right there on the bedroom floor.  I want that so badly for her, for us.

Our first journey into TTC left us broken hearted for 8 months and on the 9th month – there was no fear when that positive test showed up on my bathroom counter. No question that the prize at the end would be in our arms 9 months later. And thankfully, that was the way it worked.

This time? I started out thinking that it could be a quick journey, but prepared for the long haul. Never ever imagining that a positive test would end with anything but a baby 9 months later.  There is no question that the 2 {early} miscarriages have left me thoroughly pissed the hell off jaded . It’s the slowest, most painful form of torture I have ever experienced.

Having to buy tampons every month makes me want to scream.  The neurotic thoughts that go through my head during the TWT [two weeks of torture] annoy me. Pregnancy announcements piss me off.  I hate feeling this way. 

TTC is a total mental game – stay positive, stay hopeful, don’t be angry – I think I need to give myself a break from the positive thoughts – allow myself to be mad for a minute.  Obviously, that’s not going to do any good in the end, but it might make me feel better for a second.

This is the second month of 25 day cycles with ovulation occurring somewhere between CD12 and 14.  I have tossed around the idea of temping for awhile, tomorrow I will start. Something seems a little off and it will at least be proactive.

Most days, it feels like no one understands where I am in this journey.  I get a lot of comments about how “it hasn’t been that long”, “just relax”, “it’ll happen eventually”, “at least you already have a child” – right, whatever, shut the hell up is kind of how I want to respond.  Usually I just kinda smile and nod with clinched teeth.  The mental journey has been longer than the physical one, making it all feel that much more difficult and unfair.

And yes, I thank God every single day for the blue-eyed, blonde haired beauty he has brought into my life and I pray so hard every single day that we can do it all again someday soon. I am trying so hard to hand it all over to Him, but that’s another mental journey.