Being a grown up is…..

Day 4 of summer camp and today’s topic is: What has most surprised you about being an adult? What have you learned about yourself through blogging?

This is kind of a funny topic because a lot of times I don’t feel like an adult – I mean yes, I do a lot of adult things every day, but I don’t always FEEL grown up or qualified to be an adult.

One of the most surprising things to me in regards to adulthood is how different it is than I ever imagined it to be. I don’t know what I thought being adult would be like when I grew up, but it wasn’t anything like my life!

I guess I thought it was all 8-5 jobs, family dinners, carefree weekends, 2.5 kids and a white picket fence.

As we all know, that is pretty far from my truth.

I work random hours, mostly in my PJ’s, cook dinner on occasion because I live with 2 VERY picky eaters, have jam-packed weekends filled with extended family and 1 very rambunctious toddler. Our house doesn’t have a white picket fence, but it has awesome blue walls and gorgeous black & white pictures all over.

We have our own normal, our own way of doing things that generally works pretty well, our own {constantly evolving} definition of being grown up. I can tell you that I didn’t ever feel “grown up” though until we bought our own home last year, that was the one day that I said “okay, NOW I am an adult”.

Through blogging I have learned that I am qualified to be an adult, a wife, a mother because it is as good as I make it – not what everyone else expects. I’ve learned to use my voice not only through writing but in real life and for that, I am most proud.

How about you? What does “adulthood” feel like to you?

Friday Night Leftovers

• First – Happy Easter!
• Second – it doesn’t feel like easter… not that I am sure what that feels like, but it doesn’t feel like a holiday to me. Probably something to do with all the crazy that’s going on right now.
• A true holiday will be on Wed when I am DONE with school.
• Also? Can it be warm yet? Please?
• Last week I got a Keurig as a gift from a really awesome friend – tell me your favorite coffee! I know for sure I want to try one of the iced vanilla coffee’s but I need options people!
• The Chocolate Glazed Donut variety k-cup is very delish.
• Gianna is full of hilarious these days, I need to remember to write down the funny things she says.
• I  made our meal plan for next week. I will only be “cooking” (meal plan says: chicken nuggets? salad?) one day because things are so busy and G will be at my Mom’s like 3/5 nights for dinner.
• They asked me to teach again next semester, so yay to that.
• I applied for another teaching position at a bigger college…..
• And I need to work on my presentation for next week.
• Also next week, I will be participating in a Twitter party!

KidsGO Twitter Party #ClevelandKidsGo (@KidsGoExpo)
Tuesday, April 26nd from 9p-10p. 
 
We will be giving away some more gift certificates to the Step2Store and Chick-fil-A, plus tickets to the KidsGO Expo!

• But first – Happy 2nd Birthday to Zach – my BFF’s son – I remember her calling me early in the morning, because she knew I was up already, saying “so, I’m in the hospital and it’s a BOY! Oh, and I did it without drugs, it wasn’t that bad” love ya, S!

come see what all the other FNL’s have to say over @ Danifred’s

Friday Night Leftovers

• Another Friday where I am thankful for Danifred and the leftovers. Lots of random going on in my head lately.
• Today I set up a timeline to complete my thesis. I will be presenting it on April 27th. Holy shit batman, it is going to be a crazy ride.
• I am glad, however, to have everything on the calendar. Deadlines set. Etc. Etc. It honestly makes my head hurt a little less knowing what is coming next.
• Disney “sin-aaaa-longs'” have taken over. Cute, but not. At least she dances to them.
• Speaking of dancing, we are going to do a dance party “theme” for her birthday! Need to figure out what that means exactly aside from there being music and balloons.
• Some sort of sickness has been going through our house, G and I are both sick enough to be slightly miserable yet still functional. I would prefer one extreme or the other.
• I have really enjoyed reading your comments from yesterdays post. Keep ‘um coming.
• This weekend going into next week is going to be crazy. But I am ready for it.
• I must start our taxes soon. They are going to be a bitch do do this year and I should really stop putting it off.
• I know I promised there was exciting news and such coming the other day – it is probably only exciting to me, but I am building my own little team of jewelry lady’s and it is very fun! That’s all. Not hit the lottery exciting, but a small step.
• The freelance company I work for has had shit to write. It sort of pisses me off, but not, because I have enough work (although non-paying work) to keep me busy at the moment. But still, frustrating.
• My shoe rack, the one that holds over 50 pairs of shoes, broke today. Not sure what I am going to do (besides buy a new shoe rack that is more durable) about it, but Gianna is in HEAVEN. HEAVEN I tell you – the way her face lit up when she saw all of those shoes on the floor you would have thought Cinderella herself was standing in front her her. She spent a good 15 minutes (until I drug her upstairs) trying on different shoes saying “ta da”. Hilarious for sure.
• Please keep my friend JJ (and her hubs Mook!) in your thoughts – their little man, O, is in the hospital with RSV and a bacterial blood infection. All thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
• I am going to be drinking some wine tonight, I hear it helps sore throats. Or at least lets you forget you have a sore throat….

Controller of…..

I am totally in shock that I have managed to blog every single day for the past month.

I started off with a theme of “taking control”.  I wouldn’t necessarily say that I stayed on task, but I did get some thoughts out there (here, here, here and here) which made me feel better.

Here’s the thing though – what does taking control really mean? Shit happens every day all around us that we can’t control, expect or plan for.  It’s all about how we deal with that shit that makes us “in control”.

I lost my job over a month ago, and that totally sucks. But I am working hard to make the money my family needs in new and different (legal!) ways.  I am making the best of the situation, because I have no choice. The stress that I felt while working there was slowly killing me, there is still stress, but not like that. It is a different kind of stress.

I get to stay home with my daughter right now, and that rocks.  It is way way WAY harder than I ever thought it would be, but in a good way.  It challenges me and I like a challenge.

I am more focused and in control of my school work.  My thesis project is ready to roll and I am more present in my education, I feel like it is money well spent at this point. Come on May, I am waiting for you!!!

I am so freaking busy every day, and I really like it.  I am in control of my house, laundry (uh, sorta), relationships and time more than I ever have been.

While I DO apply for every and any job I feel would fit my qualifications, I feel a little more in control of what type of place I want to work and what kind of career I hope to have.  My focus has shifted a lot.  I try not to be discouraged with the lack of contact from potential employers and continue to get my name out there. Someone WILL call. I am awesome, educated, a fast learner with a broad base of experience -  I would hire me for sure.

My point is that the glass HAS to be half full, because I would lose my mind if I thought otherwise.  I have to control my perception, sometimes it can be tricky and difficult, but if I smile when I am upset it helps.  Having a “good” job, no debt, a huge savings account and “good” health insurance are all nice things to have and certainly make life easier, clearly I will not turn down any of the above if offered to me.

But (isn’t there always a “but”?!)

When my daughter laughs, my sisters say something funny, my husband tells me I am awesome, my mom calls, I get to catch up with friends or my step dad plays with Gianna I can’t help but smile and be happy with my life because these people make it all worth it. 

As long as they are all here with/for me, I will be fine. I might be grouchy and afraid sometimes, but I will smile anyway. 

I am in control of how I perceive life, and from this perspective, it’s not really too bad.

Controller of MY Future

We all say that we “live with no regrets” because “our past makes us who we are”.  Whether you regret decisions you have made or not, your past WILL make you who you are, because, well, that’s just how life works.

I normally tell people that same BS line.

Truth is? I totally have regrets.

Regret #1: Not telling my douche-bag sperm donor to hit the road sooner.  I’m not going to go into the whole deal, but with him out of my life the past year, it has been peaceful and without heartache. I am blessed to have my stepdad, he rocks and I love him a TON.

Regret #2: Moving home after undergrad while in medical school.  Maybe, had I spent the extra money to live on my own, I would have been more focused and stuck it out.  I was always distracted by the people and things going on at home that I probably would not have been had I lived somewhere else. 

Regret #3: Not listening to my gut when it said “medical school is not for you”. My gut said this in undergrad, the first year of medical school, during year one take two and almost every day of year 2.  I just stuck it out, told myself YES this is what I want to do because everyone else kept saying that it is what I wanted to do.  What I WANT to do is work with the public, to teach them and to make a difference.  That does NOT have to mean being a doctor.  My heart is in working with people, I just wish I would have realized it 100k in student loans ago.

Regret #4: Not taking charge of my marriage sooner.  Last year was one of the worst married years we have had (which equals 1/3rd of them). One of the worst years as a couple, actually.  Bad things happened because neither of us were present in our relationship, neither of us were communicating and one of us was misbehaving while the other was disconnected completely.  I just went along with the shit and the frustration because I thought HE should have to work on it. It is OUR marriage, why I didn’t take ownership of it at that time, I really don’t know.  In the past 4 months, things have gotten exponentially better to the point where those bad memories are just that – memories and the curves that life has thrown at us lately are just road bumps in the scheme of it all. 

Regret #5: Not listening to myself. As if you haven’t noticed this trend from the previous regrets.  I have a bad habit of letting too many people influence my choices in life.  It has come back to bite me in nearly every aspect of my life.

So here’s the thing – I have made stupid decisions. I have lived my life doing what OTHER people said I should do. I have been a poor communicator. I have been walked on by people that I never though I would be. I have lost friends because they weren’t really friends after all.  I have let people disappoint me to the point of tears and anger. 

I AM better, stronger, healthier for it.

But going forward, I am doing what is best for ME (well, me and my family now). I am saying what I need to say, when I need to say it and not pushing my frustrations, fears, apprehensions under the rug.  I am realizing it is okay to be unsure, scared, honest and bold.  I am working REALLY hard to take the mistakes and poor judgments I have made in the past and turn them into an amazing future.

The biggest lesson I have learned – is to take others’ opinions into consideration but make MY opinion the one that counts. 

It’s my future, and I am going to own it!

Parrot Baby

Have I mentioned how much Gianna talks?

No?

Well it’s a lot.  She is always saying something, whether it is real words or Gianna-ease. 

She has also picked up this new little skill.

Repeating.

Repeating every.single.thing that anyone says.

It’s adorable.

Except when she says things you do not want her repeating, like shit, damn, gay, SHOOOOT, quiiiiit etc.  I am fairly certain she said fuck the other day too.

We have to watch EVERY thing that comes out of our mouths or else some little person will say it at the top of her lungs in the middle of Target.

She has also taken to calling us Mike and Andi instead of Daddy and Mommy, since you know, we don’t refer to each other as mommy and daddy.  She’ll say Mike-Daddy. Daddy – Mike. 

I think spelling of words is in our near future.

But for now, at least she is a cute little parrot.

Every person is a person, no matter how small

It happens every ten years.
It involves every person in the country.

2010 census.
I know that a lot of people think it’s just annoying and pointless. But it’s not.  We have been talking a lot about the importance of the census numbers in my public health classes. 
The census determines so many things, important things, like how many congressman each state/district gets.  Ohio has had quite the decrease in population in the last ten years, to the point that we could lose significant congressional representation.  These numbers are used to determine who gets funding, research and all kinds of other things.  Things that influence my future as a public health representative.  And yours as a citizen of the USA.   The only way we will get an accurate count is by YOU, yes you readers, completing the survey.
A lot of people are hesitant to share their personal information with the government. I get that.  But all you really need to answer is how many people live in your house. That’s all.  The rest of the information is a bonus, and very helpful.
Every person counts.
So make yourself count.

**this blogging opportunity brought to you by Wpromote & business2blogger. I did receive  minimal compensation for posting the video.  All other opinions and information is mine.**

and the beat goes on

a lot on my mind, but not enough for a full post on any one topic.

so bullet points it is!

• I need to start getting ideas and plans for my masters capstone – I think I have a great idea, now to see if it fits.  this is a lot of work! and it’s not going to be happening until next year at this time.  It does give me some encouragement that the end is in sight. kind of.
• One of my very best friends ever is moving to Florida (probably as I type this) with her husband.  It is a great opportunity for them, which is so wonderful. I am going to miss her like crazy. But, there is a new vacation spot :)
• With above mentioned best friend moving, it brings back a lot of hurt and sadness over the ending of another friendship. (read here).  The three of us were “the triangle” and now we are 3 separate lines. (2 lines together don’t make much, a right angle maybe?) Sometimes I really hate how life plays out.  I said my peace on the subject but moving past it has been much harder than I expected, despite the ridiculously deep hurt that went on.  ::heavy sigh::
• the hubs and I hope to go out of town for our anniversary. where is the question right now!
• I am looking forward to finishing our taxes…. they are always such a huge pain in my ass.  I just wish the rest of the documents I need would show up already.  Wasn’t there a January 31 deadline on this stuff?!! Maybe I need to show these companies a calendar.
• It has snowed a lot.  I hate it a lot. But, no use in complaining. It didn’t make the snow melt any faster last winter…
• I am LOVING my project 365.  I almost cried the other day when i thought I forgot to take a picture. 
• my boss is a micromanager and it is incredibly frustrating to someone who likes to use her brain.  I like my job, but I could leave in a second for something more challenging. Hopefully in a year or so that won’t be a problem.
• Just getting into “couponing” as part of my frugal living approach to life these days.  This blog is freaking AH-MAZING for anyone who uses or wants to use coupons.
• My husband is working on a pregame music mix project for friends of ours and he is fantastic!  I wish I could link you to his work.  If anyone is in need of a music mix, dj or any other music work – he is SO your man.

double duty

I know you have been in suspense because I keep mentioning things with a "details later" at the end of the sentence.

Let me fill you in.

First - I have the most awesome best friend EVER! She knows how frustrated I have been with my wardrobe problems of late (not the pregnancy part, or even the expanding part, but the part where I want to look nice but nothing fits) and have had some issues finding maternity clothes that are up to my fashion standards (!). So this weekend - she picked me up a whole bag of great things - some I can wear now, some for later, all cute and fashion-worthy!! How wonderful is she?!!

Second - Life plans. I have made a decision. I am not going back to medical school (i know, you are really shocked) - but I am going to continue my education. I am planning on taking the GRE in october in order to apply for a Masters of Public Health program, which is ironically run through the medical school I no longer want to attend. small effin world. But anywho --- I tossed around psychology for a while, and while I think this is something I would enjoy very much, the 5-6yrs MORE of school makes me sick to my stomach, and I don't have enough exposure to know if this is REALLY the direction I want to take - not enough to make such a commitment anyway. I have a feeling that no matter what, I may end up with a Ph.D behind my name one day (and Dr. before...) , but I want to start smaller for the moment.

Third - Job! Promotion! Company cell phone! I have been there for 3.5 days, and already feel like I am moving up in the world. I had a meeting Wed. with the boss & CFO about myself, the company and what they want to do with me. It's all good, very good. AND very much something I want to be doing - direct patient care, research, education, continuity and community outreach - all wrapped up into one developing package. Much job (& financial) security which is comforting. It'll be a little bit of a slow start while I learn more about the basics of the company - but to know that things are moving up - is a great feeling.

Fourth - baby is growing!! ok, I am growing, but still! Feeling crappy (and loving it) still. Heartbeat in 2 weeks! Nervous how to tell work after that....

beauTy in the breakdown

so i was referred to this article [well post really] earlier today. it stemed from an incident where a dog bit or snapped at a kid who had a cheeto. the reader's digest version if you are too lazy to click on the link - someone is defending their position on why being a pet "mom" is equiv. to being a people mom and somehow adoption is thrown in there along with mumblings of overpopulation, pet abandoning and my personal kicker: choosing to have biological children is not adding to the benefit of mankind.

ya.. um. WOW!

the subsequent replies to the much longer original post were just as "wow" and i really could not read but like 10 of the 23040972 without getting all bent out of shape. then i realized WAIT! this person wants this reaction - clearly. also, i don't know the original situation nor did i take the time to look for it - so i am not judging anyone for their opinions at all, if we all didn't have our own this place we live would be pretty boar-ing.

in my personal, humble opinion on the bottom line - every.single.person is a benefit to mankind - despite their flaws, no matter how fatal they may be. we learn from each others mistakes and tragedy, we benefit from each others triumphs and genius. there is perfection in everyone somewhere - you just need to be looking from a different angle at times.

----------------------------------------------

on the biological children end of my life -- i decided to start taking B6 after much thought on the subject. I am not big on the vitamins/herbicutical part of medicine but B6 is mild so why not. it goes with my flinestones! (ya seriously.) that is all to report on that front!

fo.cus

focus.

focus.

focus.

seriously now - i have been attempting to study for the past 3 hours - with little success. i have no idea what my problem is! Nothing in particular is distracting me, I have nothing pressing on my mind [b/c i have already taken care of pressing matters in desperate attempt to not study] there is nothing exciting in the internet to look at, i just keep looking a the same things over and over and saying to myself "stop it, study!"

this is a busy busy week (do i say this every week? yes? well they really are busy... no seriously...) and i need to get through my list of tasks i set for myself today - there are about 6 things on it... i am through 1/2 of the first one. progress.

ok well now that i have distracted myself yet again - back to that list.

food for thought

so it's is pretty much the biggest blizzard ever this weekend, and it also happens to be on a weekend where i have no (ok not much) school work to do, at least no studying - ironic huh? so i have lots of time to think...... greeaatt!

i have read/heard three different comments lately that i felt like reflecting on:

"do you let what other people influence when you are going to start a family"

I think that we would all like to say "Hell No!" but the truth is, at least for us, we do/did let this effect us. We had no intentions of starting a family when we first got married - regardless of what anyone else said, so that was never an issue. But - "everyone" told us d/t my pending profession that it would be best to wait until X time to start a family - after school/residency/fellowship/when your loans are paid/when your 45 and postmenopausal.... you get the point, everyone has an opinion. Being a women in medicine, the one who carries the baby - makes it slightly tricky on when the "best" time is to have said baby(s - in our case). so we had to look at our relationship, we both got the urge to be parents, our social lives weren't satisfying us, something was just missing in our lives... so we did what we needed to do determine if we were financially ready - and went from there. We hear it from people all the time, and when/if we do get pg, we will continue to hear it (mainly me i am sure) from "everyone" about "are you sure" you can handle this etc etc. so, yes i do think we all look at what everyone will think of us as parents, a couple, in society etc. In our personal situation we are doing what we feel is best and hope that our families support us (and they do for the most part now that they understand what our lives will look like soon).
so - that's that thanks.


"i cannot stand ppl who have children, then leave them in daycare or home alone while they are working 14 hours a day. why did you even have children?" - written by former friend mentioned previously, not necessarily directed at me, but still....

I clearly have issues with this statement, being a career women and not able to stay at home, ever, with my children. how does that mean i should not have them? this is the most ridiculous thing i have ever heard! Yes - i will in fact be working 14 maybe 20 or 25 or even 40 hours at a time, kissing my children when they are asleep. (i hope those long hours are the exception v the rule based on my intended career, but no way to predict that) I am having children because My husband and I want a family - to watch them grow, spread our love, become fabulous people. My children will probably be as familiar with the hospital and my office as I am, they will grow up there as I will always be a working mom, a career women. My husband may eventually stay home - but that is not something that is likely. It is the 21st century - women are going places that they have never been career wise, that in no way means they should put off having families - if they have a supportive partner and trustworthy daycare/nannies it is completely do-able and feasable, and in fact will probably be my life in a few short years.


"if she worked harder at school, it would be easier for her - afterall, she did mess up once already" - a family member said this to my mom in reference to me

[..... ya, and if there were more hours in the day time wouldn't go by so fast....]

i don't take it to heart, people don't know what i do everyday - as in class for 5/6hrs (on a short day) only to come home and study for another 5/6hrs on top of my regular life things plus studying for 8ish hours saturdays and sundays. my schedule is not really something i share with people - it's boring, and more than that - it is just something i do w/o thinking.

i make time for other things - like dates with my husband, dinner at my mom's, time with friends etc - my life can not be consumed by school that is slightly unhealthy & my brain couldn't handle it!!

of course i take breaks during my hours of studying.. hence when i come onto myspace... but those breaks last for about 10-15min at a time every few hours... oh and i eat sometimes....and take phone calls.... or stand up b/c my butt is numb from sitting for 5 hours in a row....

so, that is enough food for though for one day!