Who wants to celebrate?

it's over!!
i did my best.

i learned........

1. i can stay in my house for more than 2 days in a row and not even notice
2. i can not put on "real clothes" for days.... and again, not even notice
3. the tan lines that are created from books resting on legs = not very attractive
4. ponytails everyday are not that good for your hair
5. looking at the computer for 8 or 9 or 10 hours a day really makes my eyes burn
6. the house can get mighty dirty after a few weeks of not cleaning
7. friends really do forget about you/what you are doing if you don't contact them for weeks [sorry guys - i'm back now]
8. i hate repetitive noises - ie: sawing, sandpaper,chainsaws....
9. i have more endurance than i thought
10. the support i have from my husband, family and friends is what got me through this month --- THANK YOU!!!!! [and i know you'll love me no matter what happens]

so, now we wait for the results. if i ever thought that the "TWW" [which i am also in] was torture - this i fear will be like pulling teeth [i have an irrational fear of the dentist] i have quite a few things going on that will hopefully keep me busy enough that i don't obsess, can't change anything now and i really feel like i did the best that i could. [good enough? lets hope!] but for the next few days i will be relaxing some and celebrating my "freedom"! speaking of celebrating --- visit mel and celebrate with her!!

pressure

the weekend... should be fun and exciting and filled with things to do.

my weekend --- filled with 8hrs a day of studying - for the next 4 wknds in a row.

I know it's going to pay off in the end, honestly! But I am tired of this already. I haven't been able to do the laundry, clean the kitchen, do anything "real" b/c i am stuck with a book in front of me or at the computer answering question after question. It is hard for a lot of ppl to understand what and why I am doing - it's ok, I wouldn't really either if I wasn't the one doing it. But there is not taking a day off when the test I am taking in a few weeks pretty much has a huge determination in a) if my education will continue and b) how high the score is helps get me a better job in 2 yrs. And what is on this test - only everything anyone has said to me in the last 2 years of my life. Talk about pressure.....


Speaking of pressure.... I am feeling a lot of this today. In my 'uterine area' , I can't explain it any better than that. AF is still a no show (offically on CD 31 of 28) as of a little while ago. [i check frequently just to be sure] But - I got the one BFN and now suddenly I am scared to test again. I keep saying "maybe tomorrow". I know I am stressed about the whole test thing - but believe me when I say this - it is not the most stress I have ever been under and I have NEVER been more than 2d late. Honestly though, the thought that I could possibly, maybe be pregnant has only crossed my mine when the husband mentions it. I don't want to get excited... and be disappointed.... I just want to be excited for real. So --- we decided to give 'er one more day to show up, and then for real, I will try to find out for sure.

for now... it's back to the books

God willing

Today is the 3rd Saturday in May - who cares right? probably no one - unless you are in the NEOUCOM class of 2008, then you would care, because in a few hours you will be walking across the stage and you will officially be ____ M.D.! [insert expletive here!!]

Why do i care? because I am in the NEOUCOM class of 2010 - so God willing in 2 years, on the 3rd Saturday in may, I too will be walking across that same stage and they will say my name with an M.D. after it - finally - after the hardest 5 years of my life. Only to be followed by the next 6 hardest years....

And that scares the crap out of me, not in a bad way, in a ohmygodintwoyearsiamofficiallyresponsibleforlife kind of way. I know I can do it, I will be sort of doing it, learning to anyhow, in a few short months (again God willing) when/if I pass my boards. Yesterday was my last 'official' day of class learning for the rest of my life - no more lectures for me - now, it's just me - the books - and my brain.

It looks I am half way to that 3rd Saturday in May....

Yes I am busy, but......

NO I AM NOT GOING TO QUIT SCHOOL/BEING A DOCTOR IF WE GET PREGNANT.
if i was going to do that, i would have done it already.....


Thank you for your concern. My life is busy - really busy somedays, will get busier in the future, that's ok. [isn't that why they call it life?]
Just because we want to have a child, does not in anyway shape or form mean that I want to quit pursuing my career that I have worked my ASS off trying to accomplish. Doctors have familys too. We want more than b/w 3-4kids, can't be starting that when I am 30 and done w/ residency, we want to be "young" parents, as in young enough to have more later and to take care of them now. I know it's hard to understand what I do everyday if you aren't living it - it's hard for me to understand how my life will change when my schedule changes to that of a "real" doctor nxt year in clerkships, but I am excited, we will adapt w/ or w/o a child - it'll be ok. Just remember, this is by choice - we want this to happen, we can handle it!

Here are a few things I will never become: a SAHM, WAHM, PTA lady, room mother, soccer mom..... you get my drift.... I will be involved as much as possible but I will never be as involved as some women who have more flexible schedules. Now, if I am blessed with said flexible schedule later in life - we'll talk then.

What I will be: a mother, wife, physician, healer, book reader, bath giver, tickle monster, listener....... see what i mean - i can still be all of those things to my children w/o being home with them all the time, plenty of women do it everyday, if anything i feel like i will cherish the time with my little ones more b/c there will be less of it. (the time with my husband too for that fact)


so for those of you (and i know who you are) out there who are worried that I am going to get knocked up and quit school - put your minds at ease, i will still be able to write your prescriptions one day soon (ok in 2.4 years!)

besides, how the hell else will i pay off my 200k in debt?