Thursday, February 28, 2008
i know there are 'signs & symptoms' that you can read about but really i think that the more i read about these kinds of things the more i can make them up! (the whole psycosomatic thing).
& Really - I am scared of the HPT!! I don't even want to look at them... I just assume they will be negative, no matter what! I don't know if it's b/c I am friend's with so many people who have had problems with infertitlity or if i am just scared. The past two months i have just waited for AF to come and that was that.... never peed on a stick yet.
This month I want to know sooner...
or do I??
The soonest I would test would be next wed or thursday, prob. thursday b/c that is closer to friday which is when AF is due.* (and i am less busy on thusday)
we'll see what i decide -- i have a test the next day, i don't want to be unfocused either by excitment or dissappointment....
this babymaking buisness is more challenging than i imagined!
*no need to see a negative sooner than necessary right?
Friday, February 22, 2008
it's cute! I am amazed at how much he wants this - I realize it more and more everytime it comes up in conversation.
I feel blessed that he wants to be a father. I am always scared if I am ready to be a mother - I have no doubts that I can do it, I just wonder if I am ready.....
We have been trying for 2 months, I hope that it works this time, but if it doesn't, that is ok. I think we are officially in the "2ww" after today - so we'll see what happens!!
no idea why i have been so mentally out-of-it these past few days. i know a lot has been going on, and with the idea of babymaking - that adds to things i guess, even though this month i haven't thought much about it.
last night i officially scheduled my test date for the boards... scary! it's like the 'no turning back now' feeling - or the 'you better start working your ass off' to get there feeling, i can't figure out which one. Like i said yesterday, i did ok on my test (my cum. score is holding - needs to be a little bit higher to make me feel better about passing the year) i feel like i am learning, good sign. But on June 25th i need to know it ALL! EEK!!!!!
trying not to freak on that now, just focusing on each test as they come and in may we will focus on that test.....
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
besides that - things in the dixon house have been quite the opposite of exciting this week. it started off good, going to see wicked last weekend and all :
it was a GREAT show and we had fun. then i started our taxes - thereinlies the trouble. realizing that my loving husband made as much money as i did last year, and i only worked for 7 months, part-time. can we say SCARY? or should we say poor house? i don't know.... it gets me all emotional and freaked out.
yes he has 3 jobs
yes he works hard when he goes to those jobs
yes he does get paid under the table sometimes, so probably we made more than that but STILL!
but NO really, we do NOT have money!
yes we can pay our rent, bills, car payment etc.... with my student loans mostly - i don't so much like this idea. I do realize that husband does not either, he just doesn't not like it as much as me. or something like that. So i think to myself, we qualify for govt assistance in the food dept - bring it up to husband - husband freaks out - not speaking to me fo roughly 2 days. Well, i think the solution to this problem really lends itself unspoken........
i love him, he does all the things around the house that i don't have time to do (thank goodness!) - but sometimes i wonder if i would like it more if he just worked more at a "real" job (v. his 3 other jobs - or maybe just 1 "real" job and he can keep the side jobs, they are good extra money - we need it at the moment) and covered our expenses w/o me having to worry.... yes in fact i know i would like that better. [so does he....]
lets hope things get resolved sooner than later (probably after lax season) but if they don't i am scared for future babies b/c hubband wants a house - our pittance can't afford a house..... hrmph
Monday, February 11, 2008
She got engaged!
I was shocked as hell - I am glad she couldn't see my face! It was a smile/surprised face! I am happy for them, but man was I surprised!! I know they have been living together for a little while and she had been talking about it (but who doesn't?!!) but... bam! She started off by saying she didn't want to think about weddings etc until she graduates in the spring (false statement on her part, she is not that kind of a person, i knew she would throw herself into wedding planning instantly... )
She called me today and told me that she already was starting to look at reception halls! (told ya!) but for about a year from now... to each his own, things will work the way they will work! I for one, am an expert wedding planner, and had to dispell some myths she has already come up with just by browsing the internet. (if i do say so myself, our wedding was perfect! i am still getting compliments on it, we were also engaged for 3 years and i am incredibly meticulous... you figure it out!) so here's to her proving us all wrong and not becoming a future bridezilla - and if you ever read this blog - i hope you laugh, because you know i am right and i love you!
I am doing my part by throwing them an engagement dinner in a few weeks (i love planning things and it will be a nice way to celebrate) she liked that idea..... it should be fun.
anyway... my poor sister on the otherhand - not a happy camper. has been dating her boyfriend for 3years now and still no ring on her pretty little finger. she'll get one soon, it'll be pretty, and then i will have to go to a wedding in west virginia... yay. ;)
i know you are dying to see my self proclaimed incedible wedding - so here ya go:
Friday, February 8, 2008
it's ok - i mean, it's not like i have a choice or anything. i haven't told mike yet, he was sleeping when i left this morning. i sort of thought that with how i was feeling this week it could have been what was going on - but almost in the back of my head, i knew that wasn't it. it was only our first month trying so it's not all that bad really, can't get discouraged.
the only really kind of selfish thing, is that we don't want a christmas baby - so we will probably try this month again, but then not again for a few months until we won't deliver in dec/jan if we would get pregnant. i know it's wierd, and selfish, but it's maybe we will change our minds too. that is what we were thinking last month.
on a happy note - a friend found out that she is pregnant after their first round of IVF which is awesome news!! i am very excited for them :)
we'll just keep trying ;)
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
ya that is me in a nutshell over the past few days - what does it mean? someone asked me if i was pregnant today. i have wondered that myself, but i am too big of a chicken to take a HPT so we will just have to wait and see if 'aunt flo' arrives friday or not. if not, then maybe i'll take a test. i think about it - more at times than others - but i'll be ok either way.
one thing that is kind of strange though, is the fact that i am back to not being able to concentrate. why?????
i am not doing good enough for that - not at all. but yet i study, study, study and feel like it was nearly all for nothing (i at least retain some things!) test in a week, that is not a good place to be - i think this test is going to be tricky too.
i know i am smart, i just don't know why i am not focusing, maybe it is the nausea - it is distracting afterall.
Monday, February 4, 2008
- we can do what we want, when we want
- I can finish my schooling/start training without considering how it effects a little person
- we don't have to worry as much about how we spend our money
- we can go on big, fancy vacations (ie europe when i graduate and mexico or the like this summer)
- who needs a house? our townhouse (read: tiny rent payment/utilities) work just fine for the 2 of us
- moving out of state for residency will be so much easier if it's just the 2 of us
- i really want to move out of state.....
- i love it being just the two of us - LOVE it!
- we can have sex, walk around naked, do crazy things whenever we want to!
- the only schedules that matter are mine and mike's (and quite frankly, that is hectic most of the time)
- really, we don't have a ton of $$, we have enough for 2 us for sure but we like to buy big things (computers, cameras... shoes.. you get the picture)
- my attention gets drawn away from studying sometimes easier than i would like just by my husband, how easy would i be destracted by a baby when i needed to concentrate?
- we have a lot of love to share.....
- i am good at time management, the baby will not be ignored and neither will my school work when necessary
- we can share our bundle of joy with our families (who is very close by) while we are here
- we are young, we want more than 1 child (think 4...) and want to continue to be young when they are all born to share our experiences with all of them
- our lives are going well, a baby would fit well into our lifestyle (with a few modifications, but who doesn't need to make those?)
- infertility is a real possibility, if we encounter these problems we will have time to establish a 'game plan' in the coming years
- maybe, if we have a baby, i won't want to move out of state (or maybe not....)
- we feel ready emotionally, have begun to prepare financially (as best we can), and well physically..... ;)
- we have had a lot of practice with our goddaughter - my maternal instincts kick into full gear whenever she is >100ft from me! (ok i know that is a bad reason, but still!)
- we have 2 bedrooms, we wouldn't necessarily have to buy a new house or anything, we would all fit nicely right here
- there is so much we want to share with a child, we say it all the time.
- we really really want a family......