Milestones and Catching Up (kind of)

I realized the other day (okay, many other days ago) that I hadn’t properly caught up on some big things that happened the past few (seven+) months and wanted to go back and catch up on a few things. These are all from my real camera, I still need a better system to get stuff from my phone!

Bringing Samuel Home! (04.10.2017)

Gianna is 8! (04.11.2017)

Easter 2017 (04.16.2017)

It’s always a busy, blessed day – so many little ones in our family make it so much fun! (and so loud!)

Gianna’s First Communion (05.06.2017)

We have made a decision to raise our children in the Catholic church and Gianna’s first communion was a beautiful day. She looked beautiful, she took communion with reverance and care, she showed us how much she’s grown through her PSR classes and we are so proud of her!

She had many friends and family celebrate with her as well, which was fantastic!

My children like to be hilarious in pictures!

Dance Recital 2017 (05.13.2017)

The girls danced beauifully this year – they again, continue to grow in their sport and their passion/love for dance grows with them! Their love for taking goofy pictures, well, that might never go away!

Memory catching

I was reading through some blog posts from the end of Aleesia’s pregnancy. So many things are so similar right now – and I’ll get to that, but first – some memory catching NEEDS to happen.

Things to remember about Gianna:

• The age of five is seriously great. She is such a grown up kid but still very much my little girl. Our conversations are hilariously logical and I wish I could record all of them! Lately she has been ending stories she tells me with “it was classic” or “you just wouldn’t believe it”
• She still mispronounces some things. For example, she made a pilgrim bonnet at school and kept telling me it was a vomit! And a bench = vench.
• Gianna LOVES to just rock out in the car. Taylor Swift is a big favorite of hers, but she will sing along to any song she hears and she usually asks me to turn it up!
• She can tell a story with her eyes – they sparkle when she is excited, they show every ounce of frustration or sadness before she says anything at all, they light up when she is surprised or happy. Those blue eyes are the key to her heart and sole, no doubt about it.
• Gianna is a wonderful big sister. She is helpful and caring and nurturing. She also likes her space, which is okay.
• She still loves to help clean and to just generally be helpful! She is so proud of herself when she is a good helper.
• Her dream is to be a ballerina one day. And maybe a horse rider or a pop star.
• Gianna has one of the most vivid imaginations and it comes out in so many ways – she will play with her toys for hours on end making up stories/adventures for them, she likes to color/create things and she makes up songs.
• The older she gets, the more she likes to snuggle up together.

Things to remember about Aleesia:

• The age of 1.5 is so super fun and Aleesia is on a serious language explosion. I can’t possibly list all of the words that she can say but new favorites are “sinta” (santa), “thank you mommy/welcome mommy” (she says them all together!), “muncle” (uncle), “selsa” (Elsa), “nakey” (naked). Not a word really, but she likes to sing too and will randomly sing parts of ‘Let it go’ and the thinking chair song from blues clues!
• If Gianna has it, she wants, or wants to be looking at it/playing with it. She for sure looks up to her big sister.
• Coloring is one of her favorite things to do. And puzzles.
• We are getting into independent play and it is really fun to watch her play and imagine as well. Tonight, in fact, she put an Ariel doll to bed before we went into her room!
• She is still the sweetest snuggler I have ever met!
• Binkie and blankie are never far from her, although we are getting to the point where binkie needs to stay in bed when she is awake because we don’t want her to talk with it in her mouth. Although, admittedly, I am slacking on enforcing this at the moment but plan to get a lot more serious about it when I am home with the baby!
• She loves shoes and clothes. But mostly, she loves accessories. She wakes up every morning and says “I wanna bow” and makes just about anything into a pretty!
• Aleesia also has a big personality – she knows when she is being bad and has this look that she will give you that makes you want to scream and crack up laughing at the same time. She has a big time pouty lip and can bring on the crocodile tears easily. She also just started literally dropping to the floor or putting her head in her hands when you tell her no as if you just devastated her beyond repair! She also has such a big, bright smile and bright eyes that you can’t be mad at her for long.

To remember about this pregnancy:

• I have felt so good (with a few exceptions) the entire time. Seriously, I don’t have a thing to complain about.
• Except the heartburn – but I know she has hair so it’s worth it, right?!
• I am 38 weeks pregnant and my feet just started to swell and I am just starting to really “feel” as pregnant as I am. But my wedding rings still fit!
• This little lady is no different than her sisters in that she is super super active and strong! And she also prefers to lay on the right side.
• There hasn’t been much focusing on being pregnant, which I think attributes to how good I feel, but every day on my way to and from work I enjoy the quiet time with her and usually have my hand on my stomach as I drive.
• I am not sleeping much these days, which isn’t very fun, but she is so active sometimes at night one swift kick to the ribs or punch to the hip wakes me up!
• Her big sisters are very excited to meet her. Gianna can.not.freaking.wait until she gets here and Aleesia, well, she has no real idea of what is happening but she’s excited because Gianna is.
• My hair was fabulous until a week or so ago – I want my nice pregnancy hair back!
• My stomach is much rounder this time than I remember it being before. And I apparently look like I am going to give birth at any moment the way people have been acting!
• I’m starting to get a little cranky/extra hormonal but I know that has a lot to do with the holiday season, constantly doing all the things that need to get done, and just you know being unavoidably tired!

To remember about life in general – it is so good right now! We all have our moments and not all the days are great, but I can’t truly remember being this happy and content with the way life is playing out around me – possibly ever. I know a lot of that is my general outlook on things, but it’s also a lot of hard work that has paid off to get us here. While I could do without winter and a little more certainty around when my newest peanut will be coming out to meet us, there is just so much to be thankful and joyful for I feel like I am living in an alternate universe sometimes! But I sure am enjoying the ride.

Possibilities not problems

Life has a way of just sneaking up on us, you know? 

One minute things are heading in the right direction and then BAM you need new brakes on your car AND get an unexpected medical bill that puts you two steps behind where you were.

Or your whole house ends up on a constant cycle of sickness throwing your normal “routine” totally off in the midst of job changes and schedule readjustments.  Or maybe, things just stink – it’s one seemingly minor issue/problem/frustration after another with no “good problems” sprinkled in there anywhere.

It’s just all part of the ride, we all know that.  Adulthood can really stink (except that you can eat Oreos for dinner if you want too, there is nothing bad about that) and it can just be plain hard to deal with. This week I was reminded (at church) that everything that comes at us, even when we are SURE there is no good at.all that can come out of it, is a possibility.  Not a problem.

I have had my share of unplanned, unwanted possibilities in life – particularly in recent years – and especially in the past 7 months.  When I had Aleesia and was on maternity leave, the careful financial planning we had done to prepare for my leave was totally thrown out the window by something that we did not see coming – the effects of which are just now being alleviated.  Financial stress is one of the worst kind to have (health issues, notwithstanding) because obviously it affects every other facet of life.

It was a situation that was a little scary and a LOT frustrating, but I had a sense of peace about it all. I prayed about it, for that peace that I felt, and that everything would just work out.  I didn’t know HOW it was going to work out or what was going to happen – but it did.  A client unexpectedly paid in full three months early at just the time a payment was scheduled to go out.  A credit was issued at just the right time. All of these things that we had no control over just kept happening paired with a lot of hard work and things were okay.  I knew we were doing everything that we could and the rest would come and all would be well.  And it was.  The possibilities kept presenting themselves just when we needed to see them. 

Mike started a new, just okay, job in September.  And then he was almost immediately offered a different, much much better, opportunity. He was open to anything and the possibilities with his new position are unknown, in a good way.  We need some of these possibilities in our lives to be good ones – and this one is for sure.

The possibilities are everywhere in life – good, bad, scary, exciting, life changing or not – we are presented with so many things each day.  I have always been a glass-half-full type of person, it takes a LOT to get me down and I don’t ever stay there long but I still can be negative and mad and upset about situations in my life.  But when I started approaching each decision with a  “what if” attitude and looking at each challenge or problem as a possibility my whole world started to change.

What if that new position teaches me something I didn’t even know I wanted to learn?  What if eating that three musketeers bar motivates me to run 4 miles to burn it off? What if our financial situation teaches us to live more simply today to provide us with so much more than we could imagine in the future? What if talking quietly when Gianna is having a meltdown helps her calm down quicker?

I just  feel such a peace, that there is no problem that can’t be resolved, no situation that can’t be brought under control and things have just been GOOD! I feel good, I don’t stay upset about things for long, I have more patience most of the time. Of COURSE I still feel stressed and angry at times, life is such an evolving adventure right now it would be pretty hard to stay in my little peaceful bubble all the time no matter how hard I try.  (I do try to take at least one thing/situation a day and make SURE I see the positive/possibility it holds – even (and especially) on days that just plain suck)

Somehow, I have found a way to give up a little control (to Him, truly) and it has made  world of difference – I know He will lead me through whatever is at hand, even if I have no clue how we are going to make it to the other side.  And for that, I am so thankful – I am more present in my life and fully feel the blessings (big and teeny tiny) that come my way. 

I don’t mean to get all peace and love for everyone here but I just felt like it was something I needed to get off my chest. 

Managing Expectations

I have felt like I pretty much spend each day running around like a chicken with its head cut off since approximately January 31st of this year.

Tiny babies have a way of throwing your regularly scheduled life/routine/sanity out the window as fast as they make their debut into the world.  And our newest tiny baby is no exception to that rule.  Add in a handful of mild medical drama to the mix and this train nearly de-railed itself.

I am a schedule person. I LOVE a good routine.  I love even more than that a good list. On paper. That I can physically cross things off on.  We had a good little routine for ourselves over here prior to our littlest peanut joining us on the outside.  I KNEW that was all going to change, but I really, honest to goodness, was not prepared with the MAGNITUDE of the change. 

Things were not clean.  Dishes not done.  Lucky if the laundry was washed AND dried in the same day, forget about having it folded and put away. Extra lucky if everyone ate 3 meals a day that did not consist of pop-tarts and frozen waffles (with peanut butter!). But then I figured that all out – things started to even out despite the crying baby who didn’t sleep all day.

Then! I went back to work. Again, wrench – thrown across the room.  The schedule we had, was gone.  Life was back to chaos and almost 3 months later, it is only mildly better.  The baby cries (a little bit) less, smiles (a lot) more and sleeps (mostly) better.  The preschooler is well, a stubborn italian girl who makes us laugh, but is also super helpful when she wants to be. But they each have their schedules and NEED to be in bed by certain time to avoid horrific meltdowns – so we work around them and then comes the rest!

But the cause of the chaos is probably more mental than anything else – I have a really hard time managing my own expectations.  I expect that I will be able to: sleep all night, clean a little before work in the morning, work all day, have dinner, clean up after dinner, clean up the girls after dinner, get the girls to bed, work out, clean whatever is dirty, clean myself, do laundry, take care of LIFE (bills/plans/blog/etc.) and still see my husband. 

I also apparently expect that each day is no shorter than 28 hours because guess what – all of those things? They do not happen each day! They can’t.  And I need to be better at just dealing with that. 

My house? It is in desperate need of a deep-cleaning, but I need to accept that picking up the toys, sweeping the floor and if I instill help from my favorite 4 year old helper, dusting – is all that there is time for.  The laundry? Is forever in progress and I just need to be able to remember which basket has clean clothes in it. The dishes? Are usually done (I can’t go to bed with dishes in the sink, I just can’t do it!) but some nights the WHOLE kitchen isn’t perfectly clean. I can’t work out every night – there just isn’t enough time, so 3x a week has to be enough for now.

There is so much more that goes along with this idea of managing my expectations – the idea that not everyone does everything just like I do.  Mike might not load the dishwasher like I do, but he still does it and it needs to just be good enough.  I need to be okay with giving up time to do household things to just hang out with the people who created the beautiful mess I live in – some days, I have to really focus on that and just let the rest go! 

probably the thing I need to keep in my brain at all times that I think will help with this whole management deal – is that this is MY Life, not anyone else’s – so good for you if your house is always spotless, or if you can work out 3x a day, or if your kid takes awesome naps so you can be crafty or whatever – sometimes the internet has a way of creating these crazy thoughts in our heads that we have to do XYZ to be cool.   I KNOW that isn’t true – if the 4 people who live under this roof are happy, the rest doesn’t really matter in the end – and I KNOW that in my head.  But I have a really hard time letting go/changing what I expect to accomplish in a day/week/month/year etc. – it’s getting easier as I get more comfortable giving up that unnecessary expectations I tend to create for myself – but still a daily challenge!  Right now actually, I am working on just being able to cut myself some slack if everything isn’t done every night – some nights are easier than others (usually when I am extra tired!) but I am working on it so that counts for something, right?

Stolen Innocence

 

When I saw that pink line appear on a pregnancy test in May – I immediately felt like I was going to lose my shit.

I was excited.

But more than excited, I was scared.

I remember looking at Mike with tears in my eyes and saying something along the lines of, I hope the 3rd times the charm.

The heartache of the past year stole the innocent joy that should be associated with a positive pregnancy test.

After our first beta, I thought okay – let’s see what the next one says and how much progesterone will it take to help this baby stick. Not YAY I’m pregnant.

Then we had the second one, and the nurse could tell I was still a little uneasy – she said to me “you can start to get excited now”.

The loss we experienced over the past year stole the innocent joy that should be associated when someone verbally verifies that yes, you ARE pregnant.

Walking in to our ultrasound appointment I was SURE I was going to throw up.  I could not calm my nerves to save my life.  I was also thankful for my husband who just held my hand and the ultrasound tech who was sweeter than ever.  She said – once she found the baby & saw the heartbeat– “one will do, won’t it?” and I just let the tears flow because YES! One will do, indeed.

I think I went through the next few weeks in disbelief of what was happening – afraid to get too attached to this little person.

I went to my OB appointment and probably scared the crap out of the lady who drew my blood that day.  When she innocently asked me how I was and I said, “okay” to which she responded “oh, no you’re supposed to say pregnant!” and I in turn made a comment about how we have gone through a lot to get here – she just sort of shut up and did her thing. But before I left she said – It will all be okay.  It was sweet.

But was STILL scared to believe it.

There are so many things that that are different for me this time – I started writing Gianna’s journal the day that positive pregnancy test showed up in my bathroom.  I took pictures every single week. I wasn’t afraid. 

At our 12 week ultrasound, when I saw this little person flipping around with a strong heartbeat – it hit me.

I can’t let our experience, our journey to get to this beautiful place, steal the joy I should be feeling. Because so far – everything looks beautiful and is moving along normally.  Even though the pure innocence and happiness that I experienced from the second I got pregnant with Gianna is gone, the joy and love I feel for this child are very much real and present.  I just have to let myself feel them.

Secondary infertility may have stolen my innocence in the beginning – but I’m claiming back my joy because we ARE here, we DID make it. And no matter what, this is a NEW journey – separate and distinct from all the others.

Friday Night Leftovers: Plans edition

• I was able to work from home today – it was a much needed morning with my family.
• We finished all of our advanced dining reservations for our August Walt Disney World trip and I am so stupidly excited for this trip!
• There are still lots of plans that need to be made – like our plane reservations and I want to plan some fun stuff to bring for Gianna.
• I had a monitoring ultrasound today for this cycle.  We had really been debating what we wanted to do this month – but we were just going to move forward with clomid/IUI again.
• Except I have a cyst, so we’ll just be moving forward on our own for another month.
• God totally has a sense of humor – I even chuckled as I was leaving the office today.  Considering as he totally made the choice about what to do this month pretty crystal clear.
• Funny how He gives us little glimpses of His plan for us when we least expect it.
• Surprisingly, I am okay with all of this.  I don’t really have a choice, of course, but mentally, I feel okay with it.
• So all of my energy for the month will go in to Easter and planning Gianna’s birthday party.
• I have a really fun idea for her birthday pictures, so that’s exciting.  I also have about a million ideas (a’la Pineterest, natch) for her party – I need to get.on.the.ball with all that.
• We finally started the long-standing mental plans I have had to move the rooms around and get some better organization in this house.
• But, my plans for the rest of the weekend involve a bottle of Barefoot Moscato, a jewelry show tomorrow, an easter egg hunt on Sunday and some more of said bottle of Moscato. 

Struggles and Patience

I have been struggling a LOT with my faith lately.  I WANT to give it all up to Him, but I am a control freak.And I have been really angry, if I am being truthful. 

It pretty much all has to do with infertility, but I bet you knew that already.  Probably because when I think about it, I shouldn’t be trying to get pregnant right now – I should BE pregnant. Had I not lost those babies.    I know that I can’t think that way – but when I see and hear of people close to me experiencing things in their pregnancies I can’t help but think that I could be there too.  Except I’m not. And it feels unfair and just makes me want to scream some days. But that had to happen – for some reason that was part of my path.

But I really have been trying to just let it go. To know in my heart that this is how my life is meant to be and it’s okay that I just don’t GET it.  But my head, well, it’s missing the message.

I’ve been ignoring Him a little bit lately. Not literally, but I haven’t really felt much like going to church these days. Except, these are the times, the times of struggle and when patience is thin, when I should be there. Which I am fully aware of.

I went to church today – and like always – I felt like Pastor was talking to me.  Especially when he was speaking about how Jesus was good at making people uncomfortable by telling the truth.  One of those being that if we can’t be happy in our struggles and through the trials of life – we will never truly be happy.  And if we can’t be happy when we cry, we will never laugh.

What that was saying to me was – OPEN YOUR EYES AND JUST BE HAPPY – be happy with the beautiful family you do have. Be happy with the home you have. The jobs you have (this has been another, unrelated struggle).  Just be happy. Because whatever is causing the tears/anger/struggle will end and in order to appreciate it’s end, you have to appreciate the beginning and the middle too.

that sounds so simple, doesn’t it? but I think we all know that is definitely easier said than done.  And in my life, there are constant trials – constantly I feel like if THIS would happen, THEN I will be truly happy.  and like I am just always taking 1 step forward and 3 or 4 backward. 

Except I feel that I AM truly happy with my life.  But I tend to just dwell on things that in all reality, I can’t change.  (control freak, coming into play again).

I just explained this to Mike the other day (and I don’t think he really got what I was saying) I am HAPPY with my life. With the people and experiences and content of my life. I am not, however, satisfied with my life.  I know there is more for me to be – more children for me to mother, more knowledge to obtain, more love to give.  I hope that I am never SATISFIED with my life and am constantly growing, learning, challenging, etc.  The lines of happiness and satisfaction can get blurred, and sometimes that is okay, but sometimes it’s just confusing.  Right now, it’s a little confusing!

A very amazing friend also shared with me today something that goes along with this and really it made me smile, because God, he is funny sometimes.  He works through people in ways that never cease to amaze me.  So, she shared with me James 1:2-4:

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

and the biblical definition of perseverance – which is the most powerful piece to this whole story – “patient endurance of hardship”. 

When I read that, I just sat for a minute.  How true.  How I really, really, needed to hear that today.  It is NOT about the ability to hurry through our troubles, but our ability to PATIENTLY ENDURE them.  To see them through, because we are growing and God is working through us and in the end – we will be complete and we will be so much MORE than when we started.

While I am looking forward to the end of this hardship, I am beginning to see the beauty in perseverance as well.  I have had some experiences lately, that until today, didn’t mean a whole lot to me – but looking back, I can see the lessons they were meant to teach and the people they were meant to touch. 

Struggles, patience and love – three things that make up so much of life. 

It’s Just a Gate

At church a few weeks ago a guest pastor was preaching and the whole background of his sermon was that life is full of gates.  Gates open and close.

Every challenge we face? It’s just a gate.

Sometimes the gate feels like it is 20 feet high and being held shut by the forces of 3000 men, but it is still JUST a gate.  It has to open.  The challenge or obstacle or whatever it is WILL end.

Unemployment? It was just a gate allowing me to finish my Masters with honors, spend much needed time with my daughter and that gate opened up to a really great job opportunity.

Financial struggles? They are just a gate into what we REALLY need in our lives.  Turns out it’s not much. 

Car trouble? Just a gate that stays shut long enough so I would slow down for a week.

Trouble conceiving? I know it is just a gate. And I know when it opens, the struggle will have been worth it. I HAVE to know that. I also HAVE to know that as much as I push, He will open it for me.  It’s pretty much the hardest thing for me to remember and believe, but I know it’s a pretty important thing. And the gate will open….  It WILL.

People coming in to and out of our lives? Gates to memories and experiences and lessons.

Everyone has their own gates to go through, to lean against, to push back on.  And they are always changing.  I sometimes just need to keep it all in perspective – while right now having trouble conceiving is my biggest source of stress and frustration – I know it’s not in my control and for once in a very, very, really super long time – this is the only big bad gate in my life. 

He has opened up everything else and poured so much happiness and success in to my life the past 4 months that sometimes I just have to sit back and remember where I was last year.  So many of those struggles are behind us and a new one is in our lives.

And I look at her face every day

and know that if He opened that gate to us once, surely He will do it again.  And I pray and hope for that every day.

Mountains, Valleys & Uphill Battles

Things in my life have always been very uphill-battle-esque – like trying to climb out of quicksand – as soon as you think you have your footing, something slips out from underneath you knocking you square on your ass. Of course there have been some happy valleys thrown in there, too – I am an overall happy person despite the shit that gets thrown my way.

But that’s life, and we just deal with it and move forward smiling.

I lost my job, I figured out a way to make ends meet. Not always an easy task, but you do what needs to be done.

I finished my Master’s degree and searched for a job with my new found education. Frustratingly.

I had interviews and thought for SURE this is going to work out.

And you know what, it finally did.

On August 1st I will start a new position, one that has potential, one that I wasn’t sure I would even want but the more I think, learn and open my mind – the more excited I feel about this opportunity.

Financially, this is going to mean the world to us. As we all know, financial stress can suck the life out of a person, consider us on our last bar of life because we ARE the poster children for financial stress – so to feel secure in that aspect of life, I honestly can’t imagine what it is going to feel like but I can’t wait to find out!

The uphill battle part of this whole change is going to be that I have a 40min or more compute each way and will be gone 5 days a week. Which means my family time has gone from all.the.livelongday to about 60 hoursish a week.

From someone who didn’t ever want to stay home with her kids, to one that was forced into that role – I feel so blessed that I had that experience. That I have had the last 9 months to spend with Gianna, it was the most wonderfully challenging gift I could have been given.

That adjustment is going to be hard for me, I hope it’s not hard for her. But it is just that – an adjustment, soon enough it’ll be no big deal. I enjoy working, so I am sure [I hope!] it won’t take long for a new normal to set in.

We have a lot of scheduling issues to work out, like when I am going to still work my Jewelry biz, Mike’s varying work schedules, potential part-time preschool for G and hopefully a dance class for her as well!

It’s a new adventure, one that I didn’t think I was ready for, but am feeling much better about as it all sinks in. And feeling very thankful and blessed for a change in the right direction this time.

Friday Night Leftovers

• Thank you for putting up with my emotional melt-down yesterday. You are all truly amazing and I am so blessed to have you in my life.
• First step in big-girl world came the other night, we took the crib face off of her bed. She loves it.
• There are 3 beds that I like for her, one is a good price but not in stock. One is stupid expensive. One is a really good price but I only kinda like it. Go figure.
• Something that goes along with big-girl world is a HUGE attitude. The attitude and defiance and stubbornness is at an all time high, need to reign her back in big time.
• When she’s not loudly expressing her right to speak her mind – she is so freaking awesome. Two year olds are very interesting….
• There is not happy medium though, she’s either so so great, or so so not. And her switch flips faster than I can blink usually. Keeps me on my toes, that’s for sure.
• My sister is in the Dominican Republic on a missions trip. (she is amazing) She told me that she literally gave her shoes away yesterday. God is so good.
• Potty training “supplies” were bought today: more ‘underwears’ & big kid flushable wipes. Prizes for staying dry include: flappy fairy wings, princess swim goggles and “mush”, also known as chap stick.
• Hold me. It could be a long weekend.
• Also, visit the other Danifred to check out the rest of the leftovers.

Getting it out there

Do you ever experience something and just need time to processes that experience before you can make heads or tails of it?

I have been trying, taking little baby steps, to turn my heart over to Christ. I have always felt connected to Him, I grew up Catholic, but the relationship didn’t feel very functional, if that makes any sense at all.

Over the past 4 or 5 months, I have really felt a need and a want to explore and expand that part of my life. I am timid about it and that is getting me nowhere.

The other day I had to drive pretty far for a conference, I spent a good 5 hours in the car by myself. I do all my best reflecting in the car and something came over me that day. I prayed. Out loud. (I NEVER do this).

I poured out my wants, needs, fears, hopes, desires – all of it.

When I was done, I felt this –and I really don’t know how to describe it- feeling within me – within my heart. I knew what it was. It was Him showing me where He belongs – where he IS. It was a pretty comforting feeling, actually.

My biggest problem is that I am a CONTROL FREAK. I like to be in charge of everything – especially my life. Which is HUGELY stressful and frustrating, not nearly as rewarding of an experience as you might imagine (ha!).  I envy those who are so carefree and comfortable within the confines of their lives. Part of why I feel so, unsettled, is the job situation. But I DO have a job. I have THREE FOUR jobs, if we are counting. I am a wife. A mother. A writer. A Premier Designs jeweler.

For some reason, telling people about this job has been hard for me – I fear they will think, “She was supposed to be a doctor and now she sells jewelry?” or “don’t you have a masters degree ::eye roll::?”

But that is my own fear, and a really unrealistic one, if I am being totally honest with myself. Because this job – is full of so much JOY and HOPE and FUN! I make more money than I did working full time and work about 1/4 of the hours, it’s legit, I enjoy the women I see and the lives I have been able to enrich. I need to change my outlook on it – because it is meaningful and fruitful. And it brings me happiness and faith.

Sure, I want to USE the degree/s I have – that will come, I have to be confident in that as well.

I guess all of this is trying to say – This is SO hard for me, but I think I am ready to jump in with both feet – to really hand myself over to Him. I am willing to put in the work, the effort, the desire needed because I know the rewards will be endless. He will bless me, my family, my business – and He has – I only need to open my eyes to the future and the possibility. It’s scary and different, but I know it promises to be worth it.