assisted baby making v. 1.1

continued from v. 1.0 post

- Dr. Wonderful said, as he was doing the PCT – we are probably going to see “nice clear cervical mucous with lots of good sperm” – I’ll be right back with the results.

- He came back REALLY fast. And when the first words out of a medical professionals mouth are “don’t let this news ruin your day” – you are probably screwed.

- Dr. Wonderful, while he really is wonderful, is also very matter of fact.  So he put it to me straight (which I like) and basically said the best chance for success with this cycle was insemination. tomorrow. and that will be $300.

- I didn't even know this was a possibility – sure I had THOUGHT about “what if” we got to the point of needing to do an IUI, but never did I even imagine that decision would need to be made EVER. let alone in less than 24 hours because no one mentioned the fact that after the PCT – things might need to change. 

- it was a tough, tough day – Mike and I hadn’t talked about this – and both have very strong feelings about this stuff.

- ultimately, we went through with it and for 3 of 5 days last week, a peek at the lady parts by a medical professional is how I started my day.

- did you know after an IUI you can get super bloated and have ridiculous cramps? I didn’t. But I do know.

- I need to have all the facts, and the hardest part of this cycle have been all the unknowns – all the things I wish I had known ahead of time just to be prepared.  But now I know and I survived and am better prepared should I need to be in the future.

- so here we are. in that damn TWW. wondering what has gone so wrong with my body since I had Gianna.  wondering what, should we need to, we will do next, differently, and when it would all go down because we do know that back to back medicated cycles are probably out of the picture for us.  I hate how much my mind wanders sometimes, and I am really trying to just let it be – because it really is out of my hands at this point.

productivity at its finest

so, today should have been my first day of school.
i can't decide if i am sad, relieved, angry, happy or if i really don't care that i am not there today. and that i won't be there any day ever.

what today is - however - is productive. i have a lot i want to get done around the house and a few errands i want to run because the hubs is leaving for NY tomorrow for a big lax tourny. I will miss him. I also am not entirely sure what I am going to do with myself when he is gone. Each day I try to find things to do... and it is getting harder & harder. Not to say there aren't things to do, because there always are, but I want to be doing productive things, productive things that involve earning $$. I am not giving up on this search however, each day I apply for at least 2 new positions. Also I decided that since I seem to have so much tme on my hands, I should do something worthwhile with it, like volunteer somewhere. So I am on the hunt as well for a place to spend some QT about once every week or so, pref. a place that works with children.

I still can't seem to make a decision on what to do with my life, I think I decide one day, and then I look for other options the next. I made a deadline of Oct 1 - by then I will have to know what I am doing in order to prepare for it, whatever IT is. and by Dec. 1 I will want to have everything in order for that IT i decided on. I work best under guidelines (i think it goes along with the list thing).

oh, one other thing -- my dear old AF is still MIA. that lady never shows up on time these days. i am not motivated to POAS, not even a little, which is wierd considering i have a small stash of them in my bathroom. i'm sure she'll come around eventually - she always does.

i sat down today b/c i felt like i should write something, but i don't know what to write *insert shocked look here* but i am gonna figure something out anyway...

it rained today.
on me.
that sucked.

my husband and i had an absolutly fabulous evening yesterday *wink wink*
and a pretty good one today so far (minus the winks).

i had a long talk with my mom this weekend about my plans for the year - she is less than happy about my decisions and is less than quiet about her feelings. I finally just told her how i felt, why i am doing this, and just hope that she understands a little bit more, even though I am fairly confident that she doesn't. Most people are very supportive, not to say she isn't, she is just trying to push me into something that i "have always wanted" [maybe or likely not]. She understands my point on some things, just not everything. It can get very frustrating when your own mother, who's opinion you value incredibly, doesn't want you to have the things in life you want at this moment --- baby, job, new career, regular life! I fully expect a not-so-anonyomous* comment from her over this too, but it's ok - even if we don't agree how i should spend my life, i love her anyway.

speaking of baby --- or rather TTC --- i guess this would be our TWW? i can't tell you i feel anything, i would be lying. mike made a comment about my boobs looking larger today - but w/e! i think my dear old friend is supposed to be here this weekend-ish, we will see her when she gets here i guess. It has been nice being so focused on everything else that I haven't thought much about what the old body is doing --- and i am sure i would have come up with a crazy made up twinge here or there to bitch about. the only good thing is, after almost NINE months of TTC (seems long to me) it's not getting old yet.... that seems good to me!

*speaking of anonymous comments, i keep getting them from someone out there and i don't know who you are... it's killing me! but i won't make you tell me who you are if you don't want too...yet!

Who wants to celebrate?

it's over!!
i did my best.

i learned........

1. i can stay in my house for more than 2 days in a row and not even notice
2. i can not put on "real clothes" for days.... and again, not even notice
3. the tan lines that are created from books resting on legs = not very attractive
4. ponytails everyday are not that good for your hair
5. looking at the computer for 8 or 9 or 10 hours a day really makes my eyes burn
6. the house can get mighty dirty after a few weeks of not cleaning
7. friends really do forget about you/what you are doing if you don't contact them for weeks [sorry guys - i'm back now]
8. i hate repetitive noises - ie: sawing, sandpaper,chainsaws....
9. i have more endurance than i thought
10. the support i have from my husband, family and friends is what got me through this month --- THANK YOU!!!!! [and i know you'll love me no matter what happens]

so, now we wait for the results. if i ever thought that the "TWW" [which i am also in] was torture - this i fear will be like pulling teeth [i have an irrational fear of the dentist] i have quite a few things going on that will hopefully keep me busy enough that i don't obsess, can't change anything now and i really feel like i did the best that i could. [good enough? lets hope!] but for the next few days i will be relaxing some and celebrating my "freedom"! speaking of celebrating --- visit mel and celebrate with her!!

what gives?

that is the question of the day.

i got another BFN today* - i'm 21dpo....1week late (so CD35 of 28) and hella confused by my body! Really, I don't know what if feels like to be pregnant - so how would i know if i am or not?! Since the tests keep saying NO! I am inclined to think they are right. I should probably suck it up and get a blood test done so that I know for sure - but I am maybe a little bit scared to do this. Really, I have no reason to be, I don't ever expect a positive test and i certainly wouldn't expect my blood to show something that my pee doesn't - but "they" say it can happen sometimes. Who are "they"anyway?!!

I also can.not concentrate the past two days - what the heck!! I just want to go back to sleep, like every hour. Clearly I can't do that or I would be getting nowhere fast. Poor husband, all he hears from me is "i need a nap"! studying for 7hrs a day really takes a lot out of a person i guess....

ohh one more thing - make sure you stop and keep Jen company the next week and half... she needs some good vibes :)

*thank you everyone for your good vibes and positive attitudes. i appreciate it SO much!

tuesday teaser

so, being inspired my friend DC's wedding picture post - I thought I would show you all my pride and joy....



Our Graphi wedding album. I know the picture does not really do it justice, but the metal cover... the metallic pages.... the vibrant colors... and the beautiful people in the pictures! I can't say enough about how much i love this thing and if i didn't have it to look at all the time [yes i do look at] i would be so sad.... I wish I could have one made for every special occassion!

I am so in love with our wedding pictures that I often look at them when I am bored. We have still yet to decide on a 'big print' to get - but we'll get there!

We also had TTD (trash the dress) pictures taken last summer - and that was a blast. I think everyone should do it!!


oh ya, and that news you are all wondering about... the tests are in the house - still holding out until Wed though!

pressure

the weekend... should be fun and exciting and filled with things to do.

my weekend --- filled with 8hrs a day of studying - for the next 4 wknds in a row.

I know it's going to pay off in the end, honestly! But I am tired of this already. I haven't been able to do the laundry, clean the kitchen, do anything "real" b/c i am stuck with a book in front of me or at the computer answering question after question. It is hard for a lot of ppl to understand what and why I am doing - it's ok, I wouldn't really either if I wasn't the one doing it. But there is not taking a day off when the test I am taking in a few weeks pretty much has a huge determination in a) if my education will continue and b) how high the score is helps get me a better job in 2 yrs. And what is on this test - only everything anyone has said to me in the last 2 years of my life. Talk about pressure.....


Speaking of pressure.... I am feeling a lot of this today. In my 'uterine area' , I can't explain it any better than that. AF is still a no show (offically on CD 31 of 28) as of a little while ago. [i check frequently just to be sure] But - I got the one BFN and now suddenly I am scared to test again. I keep saying "maybe tomorrow". I know I am stressed about the whole test thing - but believe me when I say this - it is not the most stress I have ever been under and I have NEVER been more than 2d late. Honestly though, the thought that I could possibly, maybe be pregnant has only crossed my mine when the husband mentions it. I don't want to get excited... and be disappointed.... I just want to be excited for real. So --- we decided to give 'er one more day to show up, and then for real, I will try to find out for sure.

for now... it's back to the books

it's my birthday and i'll show off if i want too

Ok so we are going back a little bit - but hey, it's my birthday!

Friday night I went out with 2 of my very best friends in the whole entire world (and goddaughter) to kick off Rockin' on the River. It was chilly, but fun. [they are letting me pick whatever pampered chef items I want for my birthday present! yay!]

Sunday we had the big party - and I got presents!

Me and my sister, the other birthday girl! We are twins, in case you haven't caught on to that tidbit by now :)

My sister is amazing and she got me a new grill! [our old one was capable to ignite itself and anyone who came near it]


husband and I enjoying the beautiful weather we had!

Remember what I was saying about water - my mom and [almost] step dad got me this water cooler. best.thing.ever!



and my inlaws got me this beautiful kitchen aide I have been lusting over for years! along with the pastamaker attachement.








How did I get so lucky? So I may have had to celebrate early, but it didn't make my birthday any less amazing! And I am still loving my camera to pieces - I got to use it a lot last night at mike's lacrosse game and I impressed the shit out of myself! (I will share when i can)



as for the other present i am waiting on.... AF isn't here yet, and you know I had to test this morning - BFN. I don't know what to think, but I will tell you what - I'm glad I had that beer ;)

2 for 1

b/c i feel like being a *superblogger* today, here i am again! and b/c i have gotten so many new faces {hiii! thanks for coming!} through NaComLeavMo, and to keep my mind off of the eversoclose end of this TWW*, here is a list....

"officially unofficial top 10 things i hate to love" **

• 10) the fact that i am an early riser. can not physically sleep in even on the weekends - but i do get a lot accomplished in a day.... [even if i may require a nap here and there]
• 9) studying. ok, so maybe it's a love:hate relationship - i hate doing it, but love when it pays off in the end. [like... hopefully big time on June 25th]
• 8) my love affair with water - i mean yes it's great to drink and keeps me hydrated - it also keeps me in the f'in bathroom 34543x a day!
• 7) ice cream. delish - but i think you see the downside here.
• 6) windy [but sunny] days. i love to take walks on these days, hate what happens to my hair.
• 5) organizing. everything. i can't stand clutter/mess/etc - i can not work if things are not in their right place. it can be a problem at times.
• 4) tanning/the sun - i can't help it people, i worship it. i know how bad it is for me - cross my heart i do, but still i bake....
• 3) my husbands affair with lacrosse - i love watching him coach, i actually even love going to the games and watching on tv - i just wish they were at different times, the weather was always warm and it didn't steal so much of his time.
• 2) certain tv shows [grey's, ER, project runway, top chef] that might, maybe, monoplize an entire evening if i don't get to watch b/c NO we don't have DVR.
• 1) SHOES!! one great satisfaction i have in life is buying them -- wearing them too. but, the bank account sometimes gets angry when i go shopping AND there's a shoe sale [but my closet sure loves it!]

soo tell me - what do you hate to love??

*close being tomorrow - i will update as appropriate

**stay tuned for my "offically unofficial things i love to hate" list....

Snap out of it

i am officially annoyed at myself and my body at the end of this TWW.

i have been really good [by my own standards] at keeping my mind off of things, not focusing too much on the if's and just doing what i need to do everyday. but all of a sudden - like yesterday - i woke up thinking "should i have drank that beer last night?" (you know, for the 'baby's' sake) and since then - that is all i can think about no matter how hard i try not too.

I do not necessarily think i am pregnant, yes i feel like my uterus might be taking over my body with all of the cramping i have been feeling the past few days - but i did play with the WiiFit the other night! I also have had plenty of other nonspecific things going on that should mean absolutly nothing, but I think way too much about them. But - I do not want to take a test until I "need" too. Last month really put me in a funk after all those BFN's and I would rather not.

So, I just need to snap out of this mind set, enjoy the party I am throwing today, focus on studying starting tomorrow and if something wonderful happens on Wed.... well, then it will be the best birthday in the world. [and if it doesn't, it will still be a good day.]

1 down, 1 left

tests that is.

until the end of my 2nd year of medical school. i have been waiting to say that for 2 years.

today's test was pretty easy, or i just knew what i was talking about! now i need to study for the CBSE exam that is friday [or the baby boards as i like to call it] but i am taking today off... ok not really but kind of. i am exhausted, my house is a freaking mess, and there are a lot of things that i need to get done!

------------------------------

in other news --- i need to say congrats to my cousins in FL, they announced that they are expecting their 2nd child, 11 years after their first! I was the flowergirl in their wedding 20yrs ago, how crazy and exciting for them.*

in our own TTC news --- we are TWW'ing it out right now. and really, it's not a big deal. if there are any of those fabled 'early pregnancy sx's'** this cycle - i am too busy/focused on other things/exhausted to even pick up on them. the husband seems to be more interested in it this time than me, maybe b/c i was "so sure" last cycle and subsequently "so disappointed" that i really don't want to get too wrapped up in all the signs/sx's/testing again - only for a let down. and again - the being insanely busy/preoccupied thing again - that is helping me along!

and a happy birthday is in order for Kim today - hope you have a fun vacation!

*i was thinking how cool (though probably unlikely on this end) it would be if we had children around the same time! oh, and i found out another aquaintance is also expecting... go fig.

**i really think these are all a myth made up by HPT manufactures..... think about it.

its like devils advocate around here

"take a nap"
" do some work, then you can relax tomorrow"

"take another HPT - depress yourself further"

"stay away from the bathroom... and the internet..."

"eat more food - compound the depression w/ the scale"

"work out"

such choices - what is a girl to do... i'll tell you what i am not going to do [again] is take another test... cuz i did that again today... bad. why do i do such things to myself? plz tell me - oh yes i know. b/c i am a glutton for punishment that is right, how could i forgot - we have discussed.

I will also tell you that i don't have school tomorrow [am lucky. kinda] but i have a project to work and research to finish up [typical] as well as a class that started today (last one!!!!) so i should really be making the right choices here. but i have all day tomorrow to do them.... everyone of you should be saying in unison "be a good student andrea and do your shit"

i did finish my study schedule yestereday - it's, ugh, well it is what it is. i'll share.

i realize you can not read that therefore you can not appreciate the excitment... click to fully enjoy. But - that is my life from 8-6 everday may 26-june25th. cross your fingers kids it's gonna be a wild ride.

step away

from the 'pregnancy symptom checker' websites.

i am telling you what - this TWW is getting ridic! i actually have HPT in the house - not something i am used to, and not something that is good for my health (mental or otherwise) b/c she has no willpower. none. zero.

• tested friday (9dpo) = BFN
• tested this am (11dpo) = BFN
• surprising - no!
• early for testing? - yes!! [kinda, the super fertile myrtles get bfp's @ those days in their cycle... but then some don't so i am not worrying... much... right?!]

ahhh just make the cramps/headaches/etc. stop - or AF come - or something!*

on a different note - i am very much enjoying my weekend of nothingness - until later when i have to actually accomplish things. but that's later right?

* i am ok-ish with not being pg,

i am not ok with feeling like crap and not being pg at the same time

it will just make me whine more.

and we wait

.........for 2 weeks....... again.......

ugh. i hate this part!


but, yesterday i did find out that yet another friend is pregnant - with TWINS! i am so happy for them. they can send their stork thisaway now (this will make babies # 2 & 3)

::tick tock::

is it friday yet? b/c that would be fabulous - i would know if the reason i have felt like complete CRAP the past few days is b/c i am getting the flu or a little person is nesting inside of me......

since i feel like being a big baby at the moment - here are my symptoms:

• nausea - constantly after 5p past 3 or so days, and in the am too sometimes
• sore throat since thursday
• heart burn
• headaches (migraine 2 days ago... but i get those as we all know)
• t.i.r.e.d - i took a nap! 2 days in a row!
• my belly hurts (nausea? cramps? waaahhhh)

ok that's enough i think.... i'm sure i could come up with more, but that is enough! (and the other stuff may be TMI!) I know i said that this time the 'tww' or w/e had gone pretty fast, and yes that is true - until today. all of a sudden i just need it to be friday, or i should just be a big girl and go buy a freaking test and take it so i stop my wondering already and can get on with my life. As we all know, i am not the most optomistic of people so i don't really think i am pg, i guess i want to just know for sure i am not? or that i am? Every month when it gets to this stage i get all wierd about it.

But - on the flip side, one of my best friends could be pg at the same time as me, so send your baby dust to both of us - at the same time plz as this would be cool. we are both trying - so yes we would appreciate to have babies together!

Oh and send some to Jen -she would also love some of your baby dust, i don't mind sharing, as you can tell by all of the women who surround me, there is enough to go around.

I'll be back in a few days - probably with a thumbs up or a thumbs down (and maybe even some news to share about what hospitals you can find me at starting in august... ooh aahhh....)

good talk.

Why is it when you have a break (as in spring break) it goes by at lightning speed, but when I have a test - the week drags on like it's never going to end? hmmm anyway....

Last night we were in bed chatting about life and just our days in general b/c we hadn't seen each other all day - and Mike asked me a very real question. "What do you want to do before we have a baby?" and of course there are things I would like to do... have a house (there are other reasons for not doing this besides finances), go on expensive luxurious vacations we can't afford regardless of the timing of a baby, "be crazy" (we aren't), more vacations.... but not one single thing is more important to me than starting a family - well maybe except finishing school - but that won't be hindered in any way.

Of course I had to ask him the same thing... and he had the same answer [good job honey!]. But really - we have 2 pretty new cars from our car crisis last year.... we have enough room... $$ will be an issue forever but we are working on making it better... we are emotionally ready... so - No - nothing is really that pressing that we would say lets not start a family right now so we can do (insert tangible item here).


as far as TTC is conserned...technically this would be the "TWW" period or one week b/c it's half over i guess (?)- i don't know about any 'early' symptoms, i just wait until good old AF comes and move on from there! so, we'll let you know next week!

so it was a good talk. mike decided that he doesn't know about this 'ovulation business', he wants a baby and only knows one way to get it.... lol. ready or not.... let the "official" trying resume in april. (or not... fingers crossed)

to test or not to test....

so, as it stands right now - tomorrow I will be 7dpo, i don't "feel" pregnant, what is that supposed to "feel" like anyway?!! honestly, i am intelligent but damnit i can't figure this one out!

i know there are 'signs & symptoms' that you can read about but really i think that the more i read about these kinds of things the more i can make them up! (the whole psycosomatic thing).

& Really - I am scared of the HPT!! I don't even want to look at them... I just assume they will be negative, no matter what! I don't know if it's b/c I am friend's with so many people who have had problems with infertitlity or if i am just scared. The past two months i have just waited for AF to come and that was that.... never peed on a stick yet.

This month I want to know sooner...

or do I??

The soonest I would test would be next wed or thursday, prob. thursday b/c that is closer to friday which is when AF is due.* (and i am less busy on thusday)

we'll see what i decide -- i have a test the next day, i don't want to be unfocused either by excitment or dissappointment....

this babymaking buisness is more challenging than i imagined!




*no need to see a negative sooner than necessary right?

He is ready!

I just have to make this a seperate post - the husband is so incredibly ready for this baby [that doesn't exist yet] that it almost scares me. The past few times we have "BDed" as they say - he has said "I think that's the one, it had to have worked that time!"
it's cute! I am amazed at how much he wants this - I realize it more and more everytime it comes up in conversation.
I feel blessed that he wants to be a father. I am always scared if I am ready to be a mother - I have no doubts that I can do it, I just wonder if I am ready.....

We have been trying for 2 months, I hope that it works this time, but if it doesn't, that is ok. I think we are officially in the "2ww" after today - so we'll see what happens!!