Monday, January 28, 2008


Sunday night, i was finishing up a project for school and my phone rings.... it is my good friend Kara, we don't talk too often, but I didn't answer the phone (i am not a phone talker), i would just call her later when i wasn't busy.

she leaves a message

my phone beeps, so i listen to the message expecting to hear her upbeat voice.... instead it's her sister on the other end telling me that her 15mo old son had passed away the day before from complications d/t choking on a cashew and that Kara really wants to hear from me when i got a chance to call.

i sat on my couch for a few minutes stunned, and then crying - Mike didn't know what was going on because I couldn't say anything. finally i told him what happened. we both just sat there. [over the past few days we had actively tried to get pregnant, so this hit me in a whole new spot]

kara and i have been friends since we were 9 years old, it is hard to imagine knowing someone that long sometimes but she is a wonderful mother and a chef and a wife and has really come through a lot in life to get where she is today.

i called her today, i was scared, what would i say? we both cried for a minute and then she wanted to tell me what happened to Carter, and I let her tell her story. I had to hold it together. She kept telling me how sorry she was for not calling when he was in the hospital (i reassured her that it was not her fault) and that we don't get to see each other very often, but life gets in the way. Most of our conversation she kept questioning why this had to happen, and all I said was no one will ever know. I told her that she would make it and that I loved her, and found out when the funeral was.

Thursday is going to be one of the hardest days of my life.

Make It Work

This is what I keep telling myself, over and over again.

Just Make.It.Work.

What is "it" you ask? school, life, finances, family, frienships - but overwhelmingly it is school. I do not know why I have been having such a mental block lately, that is pretty literally what is going on. I am not not learning the material, I am just not consitently preforming well on my exams for some reason - maybe its fear of failing again (which in turn leads to failure) maybe its fear of the future, maybe its because i feel like i got screwed (oh wait, i did....) and i just can't get past that feeling.... but whatever of those 'maybe's' it is - i need to make 'it' work for me, to my advantage. I know this, I know that I am capable of learning and being a good student and probably a good doctor (ok really a good doctor) but i need to just [as absolutly everyone keeps telling me pretty much until i dont want to hear it anymore] get through the end of this year and take my boards.

getting through this year so far has been more of a challenge than i anticipated mentally, i expected the academic challenge. it's ok, it happens right? i guess. i just really do not want to hear ppl tell me to 'get through it' or 'this is what you have always wanted' and things like that - it honestly doesn't help, what will help is if you take aways some of my 'life' chores - so that i can focus more on school and have less ouside stressors, that would be blissful! and that is also what we refer to as a pipedream....

and here i am wanting to have a baby - complaining about how much i don't want to be in school and about how much time i have to spend blah blah blah - how will i have time to devote to a child many people will want to know. well, how will i have time in my 'real' life? it won't be any less busy. prioritize. family is #1 in my book, school/career #2 - that is just how it is, nothing will ever change that. i talked with a good friend of mine about this b/c she is in a similar situation, just a year ahead of me in school - she has similar worries - when will we see our babies, will our nannies/daycare providers see them more than us etc. but we can't worry about that b/c then we will literally never have kids unless we quite the practice of medicine. i know this, and i am ok with the way my life will one day be - because i will run it the way i want, not the way someone tells me too, and i have my wonderful husband to support me.

oh ya, and i had a test on friday, i think i made it work - i know i passed, i feel better. i feel like i 'belong' where i am, at least for today.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Who are "they" anyway?

so, here is the story up to now......

2007 - was by far the best year of my life! I got married to the most wonderful man in the entire world, on the most perfect day, surrounded by everyone we love and it was amazing!

<-- see! we went on a fabulous honeymoon and when we came back - our goddaughter was born! that was pretty amazing! We love her to death, it is fun being 'back up' parents!!
I proceeded to finish my (second) first year of medical school [long story, for later maybe] and start the summer. My summer was wonderful - filled with more weddings - 2 of our best friends got married and a very fun summer job.
Then school started again.... it was challenging, I had to quit my job that i had kept for 5 or 6 years, which was hard for me to do, afterall i had been working since i was 15 so that was different. At first i liked it, but then it really started to bother me not working. I am married, I felt like i should be contributing something - and still do feel like that, but i honestly spend every weekend studying. Mike is now working 4 jobs - he doesn't seem to mind too much, it would be nice to have 1 "good" job, but I don't know, if this is what he wants to do then ok.
School starts to get more challenging in about oct/nov -- or i start to get less motivated, maybe both. either way, i start to do less than stellar despite my endless studying. THAT IS THE WORST FEELING EVER. So, i take it up a notch, or so I think, for the next test, but not really to much aide, I am still not doing as well as i would like to, or really "need" to be - and again despite the studying. This brings up to christmas break...... and my current state of mind:
"Am I doing what I love? Do I really want to be here?" b/c everyday I go to school, I hate it, and really I don't hate anything! I don't want to study, but I do it anyway - I learn b/c i enjoy learning - but I am not happy somewhere deep down inside. Mike made the comment to me that the day school started in Jan. I instantly turned into a different person - someone unhappy and sad - compared to who i had been the previous 2 wks, and that made me really sit down and thnk.
That isn't me! I am smiling, and happy and bubbly! I don't like being depressed and sad! I don't like making excuses to myself not to do something - I want to stay busy!! So I have been trying to decide what it is I want to do with myself, future and career wise. Maybe if i do better on my next test i feel like i 'belong', even though i do wonderful on my PE skills and love being with the patients - it's like i am cut in 1/2! And like i do alot of this for everyone else, and all they keep telling me is "it's only x much longer - just get through it..." that is the one thing i hate to hear.... b/c i am the one doing it, hating it, resenting it, miserable.... ya you get it....
Then last week something happened that made me realize i have to stop living my life the way other people want me to - I thought I was pregnant, seriously pregnant. We want a family, sooner than later, but it was always thought we 'couldn't b/c of school' - b/c "they" said so --- and now we are thinking, screw "them"! We want a large family, i want to live MY life, and i am tired of doing things the way everyone tells me to - so we are going to 'not not try' as they say.... and just see what happens at this point. We have talked about it, are ready as we ever will be - the kind of like i am going to lead is never going to be 'unbusy' and right now we have family around which is a factor that may change in the next few years.
So with that... that is the story...