Practicing Grace

We were recently at a park with the girls and Mike and I noticed a set of parents pushing a double stroller and a single – I smiled at them thinking to myself what a full life they have right now. The mom stopped me on our way out to the car and asked what the age difference in our kids was, she thought they might all be 2 years apart, like hers, and she was so honest with me (a perfect stranger)– asking, when does this get easier?!  It turns out her kiddos were 3.5, 2 and 1 month old – and I told her, just as honestly, that it won’t feel easier for a while but then one day she’ll realize that it just IS easier than it was the day before. I encouraged her to keep doing everything she was already doing and when there was a moment of quiet in the chaos to hang on to it and remember it when that chaos ramped back up because she was doing a great job.

This season of life, it is so difficult to navigate some days (and by some, I mean a lot) and can feel so lonely. I am a little bummed that we were at an out of town park or I totally would have asked her to meet me for coffee or back at the park but I hope that quick conversation helped to keep her going the next time she was feeling the heat of taking care of three little ones.

That encounter has been on my mind for the last week or so, mostly because despite being surrounded by a truly wonderful, supportive village - there are a lot of times that I still feel very alone and isolated.  As hard as I try to make sure everyone (& that includes me) is respectful, following the rules, being kind and helpful there are just (so many) moments where that doesn’t happen & I find myself feeling so defeated and thinking “why can’t we all just get along.” Moments of the day where these three blue-eyed beauties are truly running right over me – and then doing it all over again.

I’ve found myself lately really beating myself up for the moments that don’t go well and that just isn’t fair at all - I need to remember the advise that I gave that mom at the park – to find a memory of peace and joy to hang on to as I pull everyone through a tantrum & then pat myself on the back (really quickly) for a job well done when the chaos subsides.

It can be hard though, we dwell on the things that don’t go as we hoped way too much instead of the things that went perfectly. In the middle of one of those especially chaotic moments between the hours of 4:30 & 8 I heard the lyrics “it won’t be like this for long” and just cried a little – because it won’t. It won’t be this type of toddler/preschool/early elementary school chaos for long – it will be replaced by something else, I am certain, but someday the chaos won’t be followed-up by dance parties and sweet toddler snuggles.

For now, I need to remember to practice grace (for me and in my parenting), to remember it’s okay to lean in on my village when I need it and that it really won’t be like this for long – these moment’s don’t last forever and whatever frustration is happening will be gone soon.

So, I’m reminding you too – give yourself grace, you are doing the best job & if today didn’t go the way you wanted, tomorrow is a new day. We’re in this together – raising up awesome little humans and also raising ourselves (& our spouses & friends) up as we continue to grow in life.

And if everyone could be as happy as Aleesia is when she gets her face painted like a cat, the world would be a much smilier place!

Itty, Bitty, Happy

Gianna was a pretty small baby, if you go by growth charts and percentiles. She also projectile vomited after every bottle, and sometimes in between for 9ish months.

Aleesia was a really small baby, if you look at her growth stats. She also battled sepsis at 8 weeks and that little journey really set her body back on the whole growing part of babyhood.

Vivian came along and was the biggest baby I have birthed, I was so ready for some chubby baby thighs! Exceeeept that she followed in the slow gaining footsteps of her sisters, as was evident at her well visits. Thankfully her pediatrician didn't jump straight to the "she needs formula RIGHT NOW" conclusion right away, after seeing that her sisters were also slow growers. They let us work out our breastfeeding relationship, fix the problems, learn to work together, etc.

Then came her 6 month well visit. A week or so before I had a few people ask me about her size. I always made some comment about her portability and shook it off. After all, she ate every 2 hours, almost around the clock & truly never seemed unsatisfied after her feedings, with a few exceptions & those times we would give her a bottle.

Also, Vivian is the happiest baby I have ever had! She was hitting her milestones, I had no concerns about her other than just wondering how big she was getting.

So, our pediatrician told us that our itty, bitty, happy girl was seriously itty bitty. She hadn't grown in 3 months! (For the record, at 6 months she was 10#6oz) but she looked great otherwise, was hitting all her milestones, and was showing off her voice for the pediatrician! But we had let this weight situation try to work itself out for 6 months, it was time to do something else since there is no reason we could come up with why she wasn't getting bigger. Even though she was generally super happy, this weight situation needed to be dealt with as her small size would really work against her if she were to get sick for any reason & we want to make sure she keeps developing appropriately. First step was to determine (or assume) if there was inadequate intake.

For 2 weeks we supplemented with about 8 ounces of breast milk or formula on top of her regular nursing sessions. The next weight check was OK, but she'd only put on another 5 ounces when we had hoped for 8-10. We started working under the assumption that increased intake helped some but may not be the whole problem. Her pediatrician asked me to start mixing her bottles to 24 calorie since the volume she was taking was adequate at this point. So we tried that for 2 weeks and were able to move her to about 10-12oz extra a day plus nursing whenever she wanted.

Her weight check this week (at 7 months) had her checking in at 11#2oz, not a huge jump. We discussed moving to 27 calorie formula but she is already pooping so much more (apparently from the high-cal formula!) that her pediatrician didn't think that was wise. I did convince him to let her start solids, though. She has been ready to yank the food right out of my hand for at least a month so I was happy when he said we could try it. With the understanding that if her volume intake started to decrease her solids intake would have to decrease too as the higher calorie milk was more important.
We were both OK with this decision! I'll try anything to combat that pesky failure to thrive diagnosis.

(Of course, she got the touch of a stomach bug yesterday which had me a little worried about her. She's much better now, thank goodness!)

We get a month to keep doing what we are doing to see how she grows. It is tricky to time when to nurse her, give her a bottle, and food, but we will figure it out. I don't love breastfeeding like some people do, I pretty much do it because they say it's beneficial and it is really very convenient. But it is still kind of hard and she recently started to NOT be satisfied more after feeding because she doesn't want to work for it/GIVEMEABOTTLEPAHLEEZE. I am happy to have made it to 6 months exclusively, but the girl has to eat and I'm going to feed her however she needs to be fed! She's going to take the lead on what happens with our breastfeeding relationship, I'm good with whatever she wants/needs.

Let's just hope she is a little bit less itty and bitty and still just as happy in a month!

Friday Randoms

• Why don't people comment on blog posts? I can see how many page views I get and how little comments I get... I know when I actually take the time to (finally) read I try to comment too.  Hmmmm...
• Speaking of reading - I switched to Feedly and I'm not 100% convinced I love it. Although, I haven't tried the mobile app yet.  Anyone have a new reader they love that you can read online and through a mobile device? Bonus it it lets you get to the content easily so you can leave comments!
• There was a HUGE storm here the other day. And I left my windows down in my car. Because, well, I am a genius obviously.  My car seats are still drying out....
• We are part of a crop share and I LOVE it.  We split it with my sister's family and it is seriously enough food for both of us (and we use everything between the two of us so I don't feel like we are wasting much, if anything). 
• I plan to make some baby food with some of our produce.  Which means I should actually you know, make the food and freeze it for when she's ready for it.
• Related to that - we have tried three times now to start Aleesia on solids because she watches us eat and seems to be interested in the process.  Except when you actually try to feed her - she cries, pushes the spoon away, spits the food out, etc. At first I thought maybe she just doesn't like the cereal, but she was having no part of the bananas we tried last night.  I'm TOTALLY okay with this (feeding a baby is a lot of work!) just surprised! We'll try again after her half birthday in a few weeks.
• How in the WORLD is she going to be 6 months old soon? Sheesh.
• I need to prepare a teaching demo for Tuesday. And I haven't started it yet... I have no idea why I am slacking on this.
• Also slacking on doing anymore research on the PhD program I found.  Have I asked if anyone has experience with Capella University? If you do - can you comment/email me so I can pick your brain?
• Work has been going well and that makes me happy.  Little stress, many opportunities coming up - just the way I like it!
• I have been working out pretty consistently.  I finished the 30 day shred (and saw real results) and am starting the couch 2 5k program (if it ever freaking quits raining here) with some interval workouts on the "off" days.  If I can aim to workout 4 days a week, I think that will fit into my schedule well and won't stress me out too much.  I have a lot more to say on this topic soon! (I hope?!)
• I have been talking to my sister about my niece's first birthday. Again - how in the WORLD can her first birthday be approaching? Nuts!
• What's new with you - anything fun happening?

Post-Partum: BLAH

Since this is my second go-around with an outside baby, I had a little better idea about the Post-Partum BLAH and how horrible (and humbling) it can be.  I was looking back at old posts and I wrote about it after I had Gianna too!

For this go around, there are a few specific BLAHs that are really getting to me.

 

PostPartum Hair

When I was pregnant with Aleesia, my hair was all over the place funky.  I ended up with these insane alfalfa sprouts in the front and it just didn’t want to behave. Ever.

Now? Same sort of misbehaving hair, only, it sort of wants to be wavy; which would be fine if it actually would just BE wavy.  But it’s in some kind of nonsensical in-between state.  I still have these crazy alfalfa sprouts.  And, it’s falling out.  Right at about 4 months, right on target.  I knew this part was coming at least, so I wasn’t TOO freaked out by it. 

All I ever want to do is put it in a ponytail because that is the easiest.  I also want to cut it, but I don’t know how yet.  I always end up with the same thing, even if I want to try something different.  Anyone have any good ideas for thin, fussy hair that won’t take me an hour to do in the morning?  I’m just not GOOD at hair – so I need something as close to “wash and wear” as possible.

PostPartum Fussy Skin

Before I got pregnant and was using Clomid, and when I first got pregnant and was using progesterone, my skin was HORRID. I mean, it was teenage-horror-story Bad.  I don’t have perfect skin, but it had never been like that.  Now? It’s hovering somewhere in the middle.  The lack of sleep and huge pile of stressors that seem to be taking over my life do not help either.  I did buy a new face wash (anti-aging, because I feel like it’s not too soon to start) and some soothing eye gel stuff (it feels nice, no idea if it “works”).  But it’s not just my face – my skin is CRAZY dry.  I don’t know if it’s a post-partum thing or a getting older thing, but either way, I’m trying to get it in check.

 

PostPartum Body Image

This is the hardest one, I think.  I knew it was coming.  But still, I can’t help but to be frustrated about it.  I spent a 9 months growing this baby, and unfortunately, I do not have rubber-band skin.  So the weight is gone – but the fluffy mommy tummy, the jiggly thighs and all other mis-directed asset reallocations are sticking around.  I am finally working out (probably to the detriment of my wimpy milk supply, but I NEED to work out) and it IS helping me to feel good about myself.  But then I get dressed and feel like all anyone is going to look at is my out of control muffin top or my jiggly arms.  I realize that is probably a bit insane, but I can’t help it. 

I need to listen to people when they give me a compliment and/or just learn to accept the asset reallocation for what it is worth. (two adorable girls, if you are wondering)  I will keep working out because I enjoy it.  But it’s hard to have clothes in your closet that just don’t fit the way they used too.

The other thing? My boobs are bigger.  I have never in my life had to worry about how a top fit (other than it being too big) and now I find myself with shirts that are too tight in the chest.  It’s ok – just totally strange for this card carrying member of the IBTC. 

Overall, I just feel BLAH overall and about how I look lately. I need to snap out of it! I am pretty positive that sleep deprivation plays a large role in this whole deal – so hopefully once that is under control the BLAH will be lifted a little bit.   And working out regularly REALLY helps me to feel good about myself – so I need to keep that a priority. 

So pretty much all I need to get rid of the BLAH is a hair make-over, a facial and a massage, a new wardrobe and 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep.  With a pedicure on the side.

While it is never fun to feel BLAH, no matter what the reason, this too shall pass.  It’s a part of life; this tired-fluffy-messyhaired stage won’t last forever.  It’s nothing a few extra cups of coffee a handful of little girl giggles, a side of big huge baby gummy-smiles and a shot of perspective can’t fix, right?  

Pump Pump (again)

Tomorrow is my first “official” official day back to work. Every day of the week.  Which, whatever, it’s fine – I actually like working and OMGAH we need to figure out a routine around this place.  I am going to miss the hell out of my kids (and my husband, for that matter) – but it’s part of life and I get to drink my coffee & eat my lunch in peace five days a week so it’s not all bad.

The past few weeks where I have only been working 2-3 days I haven’t been pumping what the baby has been eating.  But I had a decent freezer stash.  Or not. Because it is pretty much non-existent anymore – which happens when you take one bag out a day and don’t put anymore in.  We have had to supplement some with formula when I am gone but are obviously hoping to make that an occasional thing, not a rule.

Again, we still need to work on our routine during the day.  But I feed her before I leave for work and I try to feed her when I get home – but sometimes she can’t wait until 6 so I just pump and then feed her before bedtime.  So far it has worked out the best to pump twice at work, three times if I can squeeze it in, 15 minutes per session. I have my reminders set in my calendar so I don’t get scheduled for any meetings, etc. I realize that isn’t always when she eats, but it’s the best I can do at the moment. Before bed is always the easiest option – or it would be if I wasn't so freaking tired! But I am also throwing around the idea of pumping on my way to (or even from) work since I have a long commute.

It has also been a bit of a challenge to figure out exactly how much she needs during the day.  I have tried to do weighted feeds with her to see what she gets while she eats as a baseline.  Sometimes it appears she gets 2-3 ounces, sometimes it appears she gets 1/2 an ounce.  She nurses for a LONG time (25-40 min a side, thankfully she only eats on one side at a time!) and just likes to take her time.  Apparently she also enjoys pounding down her bottles since it is super easy for her. I am constantly hearing “well, she pounded down that X ounces and probably was still hungry” – I am loosely throwing around the idea of switching her to an even slower flow nipple.   Regardless of how long it takes, or doesn’t take, her to eat – she still takes more than I pump in a day so I know that I (begrudgingly) need to work to squeeze in an extra pumping session somewhere.

I am looking for any other tips on helping increase production!  I recently started massaging while pumping, and that has helped a little bit with production as well as leaning forward a little bit so I can use gravity to my advantage.  I also recently got pumpin’ pals flanges which are SO SO SO much more comfortable!  I haven’t used them enough to notice a huge difference in production, but I am hopeful.  I do have a hands free bra thing so that helps too.

I am also looking for any other tips related to efficiency when pumping!  I always feel like it is such a process to set up (even though I do leave my pump set up all day) and clean up.  I have some medela steam sanitizer bags which are really nice.   I think it is always just going to be a bit of a process, by nature, but any tips anyone has I’ll take! 

And lastly, and this is going to sound totally ridiculous – how do you dress for pumping? I am a dress person, which is obviously not the easiest thing to maneuver when you have to hook your boobs up to a machine several times a day and don’t necessarily want to get undressed each time!  Clearly shirts/pants/skirts are the easiest bet and I almost always wear a nursing tank.  Any awesome wardrobe tricks that make pumping (and direct breastfeeding, for that matter) less of a clothing challenge? 

There have been so many challenges to this breastfeeding journey in the barely three months of Aleesia’s life between her MSPI, lip/tongue ties, her being sick, my low output, a million blocked ducts (and now a milk blister. fun.) but I can’t quit it – and really, I haven’t even thought about quitting to this point.  It helps that there is so much support available though, so thank you for supporting me and entertaining my questions and neurosis.

Who needs cheese anyway

Like most people, I SWORE I had parenting all figured out before I actually, you know, was a parent.

My family gives me crap all.the.time because I swore I would never do approximately 98% of the things that I do regarding parenting my kids. (I still find it really strange to type kidS!) 

One of the things I could never understand was how or why anyone would EVER want to give up dairy to continue breastfeeding.  Formula is fine, why put yourself through that nonsense especially when breastfeeding can be hard enough.  Ice Cream, Cheese, all amazing foods in my book.  And let’s be serious, what good is an oreo without milk?  (remember I had a baby with MSPI and reflux once who survived just fine on Alimentum and Prevacid!)

And then, I had another baby who I decided to breastfeed.  Who appears to have a big issue with dairy (and soy, I think).  Not a huge surprise since her sister did too – but here I am shoving my foot in my mouth again.  Because I gave up dairy last week. Without even really thinking twice about it because my baby is hurting and I would do anything to make sure she is happy.  And, while I don’t LOVE breastfeeding – I do enjoy it enough not to quit it just because I can’t have a milkshake.

Aleesia is less gassy (that girl had some horrendous smelling gas!) and her skin is much less red and blotchy.  She still has a lot of reflux that quite obviously makes her uncomfortable but it is slightly improved from what it was this time last week. 

I did cut out dairy totally but have still been eating some soy (in stuff, like soy milk in my coffee at Starbucks) and I think that the soy has to go also.  Which is a lot harder than just dairy, but that’s okay.

It is not easy.  And I never really paid any attention to food labels/ingredient lists.  But it is enough to make your head spin – and your stomach churn a little – when you look at the list on something you think should be so simple and there are about a million things on there that you can’t even pronounce.  I already don’t eat “enough” so not being able to calorie-load on ice cream or greek yogurt is crappy but I am finding some (not necessarily as satisfying) other high-calorie non-dairy alternatives.  And I really like almond milk, so that’s an easy switch!   There are also so many great resources out there of what is good/not good to buy and good recipes (that I haven’t yet tried).  I think the change in diet, while maybe or maybe not forever, will be a good one and hopefully will help “clean up” some of the junk we tend to eat out of convenience. 

The hardest part is just waiting to see a change.  and not comparing this experience to the one we had with Gianna.  I have been considering putting her on a probiotic as well, there is a lot of information out there that supports their use in babies.

While I am morning the loss of ice cream and greek yogurt and cheese – I am just keeping my fingers crossed that we are on our way to a happy baby.  and add another thing on to the “I had no clue what the hell I was talking about when I said that” list.

From Scratch

Aleesia has been here for a little over a month and, generally speaking, I pretty much feel like I have never had a newborn living in my house before. 

Or possibly that it really doesn’t matter how many children you have or how close (or far apart) in age they are because they are each different and therefore each time is different.  Parenting from scratch, if you will.

I am doing a lot of things differently this time, but still, I feel like I am totally out of my element in so many ways.  But really, two pretty major things.

The Sleep Sitch

My little peanut has a serious dislike for sleeping in her own bed.  This is totally foreign to me because Gianna slept in her crib every single night from the day we came home from the hospital. Aleesia wants no part of that nonsense.  I put her in there for naps and she wakes up by the time my feet hit the next floor.  I try to put her in there for night time and she wakes up even faster.  So, right now she is sleeping in the rock & play (that thing is AWESOME!) next to our bed.

I’m not going to lie – it is really nice in the middle of the night, I can just reach over and calm her and/or feed her without much fuss. And without getting out of my warm bed.  But also, I feel pretty strongly that kids and parents need their own sleeping spaces.  Any tips on helping her to transition/adjust to sleeping in her own room? 

She likes to be cozy – so we either swaddle her (even though she MUST have her left arm out!) or put her in a sleep sack at night, so that’s all fine.  I have considered putting her rock & play in her room for now (she likes the snuggly-ness of it, plus the incline helps her reflux) but I don’t know if that will just end up being one more thing to “transition” her out of in the long run.  I know she’s still teeny and maybe I shouldn’t make a huge deal out of her still being in our room – but it will be a huge deal to me when I go back to work.   And also, she sleeps pretty well how things are right now – she goes anywhere from 2-5 hour stretches at night.  Obviously, I don’t want to mess THAT up either! I cherish anything over 3 consecutive hours of sleep!

She isn’t a huge fan of the nap (although, she has been doing pretty good today) probably because she doesn’t feel so hot a lot of days.  She seems to have pretty intense gas pains, hiccups a plenty and reflux to boot (thankfully, it is not NEARLY to the degree that Gianna’s was at this point so I am hoping we can manage this on our own without meds. but, we’ll see) all of which contribute to her inability to relax/nap.  She sometimes takes small cat naps with a longer stretch at some point during the day.  Almost always the longer stretch is laying on me, occasionally she’ll stay asleep in her swing for an hour or so.  Again, not a huge deal right now – but I’d LOVE for her to nap in her crib  (or in the swing, I guess) for Mike when I am at work!  I’m sure she’ll learn to appreciate the nap eventually.

The Breastfeeding Sitch

This is all new territory for me so I am obviously learning this from scratch.  Overall, it’s going well.  She gets kind of lazy with her latch, so we are working on that.  I am not used to the “schedule” or rather, lack of schedule, associated with breastfeeding.  Aleesia will feed from anywhere between 10 and 40  minutes at a time and go 1.5 – 4 hours (at night, mainly) between feedings.  I’m sure she is getting enough, but the Type A part of me feels this need to know EXACTLY how much she eats each time (mostly because I need to make sure I pump enough for her).  I did do a weight before/after feeding with her last week and she only ate about an ounce that time.  Who knows if that is normal for her.  I don’t LOVE it or anything – but it is working so far.  I have noticed her reflux and fussiness (and possibly some dermatitis) is a little worse if I eat raw dairy especially (milk/yogurt/cheese).  I am going to talk to the pediatrician about it tomorrow.

Pumping can totally suck it though – I already know if I am going to make it to six months (let alone a year) of pumping/feeding I am going to need a lot of support.  I finally got the right size shield for my pump so that helps – but oh my goodness what a pain!  I know it’s worth it – but it is hard for me to fit in a pumping session during the day.  Or maybe I’m just not making a ton of time for it so far.  I know I need to work on this because I do have things going on in the evenings this week and every other week until I go back to work that she will need to eat when I am not home!  Any magical tips to keeping up your supply/making pumping more bearable?

I’m sure I will have a whole post dedicated to this eventually.  I really do feel clueless and I (irrationally) worry she isn’t eating enough a lot of the time.  This is tricky!

 

Overall – I just feel like everything is SO new and SO different from “last time” that I need to forget about “last time”.  Aleesia is her own person, she is going to test us in new ways and do her own thing.  I should probably take the perspective that any similarity she has to her sister (that we know/remember how to manage) is a lucky break for us!  I have gotten pretty good at managing my (non-existent) expectations up until now, but these two things are really throwing me off. 

Staying in the Zone

In case no one has informed you, being married can be hard work. Keeping someone else as your priority is hard.  Especially when you have 1 (almost 2) little someone-else’s who depend on both of you.

Mike and I (and probably most married people) go through peeks and valleys, we are totally in sync for awhile and then we let life take over and get out of sync.  Right now? we are hovering somewhere in between leaving toward the out of sync side.

I am about 90% certain that has to do with the whole, the baby will be here soon and we have to get things ready for her, scenario.  And that I am totally mentally exhausted by the time I get home from work.  the other 10% has to do with some other stress we are dealing with that, again, is just a part of life and we simply need to get through it.  But it isn’t helping things that is FOR SURE.

After Gianna was born, we went from hovering in this in between space to way off the grid disconnected.  A constantly crying baby has a way of totally throwing you off your game!  We both know that we don’t want to get to that place again.  But I think that both of us are sort of having a hard time figuring out how exactly to stay away from there – how to stay in the zone, so to speak.

Our lives (all three of us) are about to get shaken up in a big way – I know that right now I am super emotional and I get annoyed and frustrated at nothing.  I also know that after this peanut arrives, it will be more of the same – only I will be home with her and Gianna AND Mike most of the time.  This will be good for a minute, but I just have a feeling that in the end – all of that togetherness will be a problem!  We have a unique situation in that he is the stay at home parent and I am not – so I’ll be here wanting to do all the stay at home mom stuff and he’ll be here too…..getting in my way… helping.

What’s the trick for staying in the zone – anytime, really – but especially when you are going through such a huge change?  I’d love to hear some tips on staying sane as a couple and as parents when you are adding additional little people to your life.  It’ll all work out in the end, but you know, I’d rather it not get worse before it gets better.

I know the dynamics of every couple are different.  I am incredibly terrible at communicating my feelings (I like to assume he KNOWS how I feel, but almost six years of marriage later and I know that doesn’t happen) and also incredibly terrible at showing physical affection – I’m just not an overly affectionate person, I guess.

Threenagers: The Drama

I know (or, at least I tell myself) that every parent of a three year old experiences the same thing.

The frustration, the attitude, the frustration, the crying, the whining, the frustration, etc. etc. for(whatfeelslike)ever.

A lot of days it feels like we are on the extreme end of the Threenage Drama.

I don’t know if it has something to do with school. Or anything at all, really.

But what I do know is that I feel like I am fighting an uphill battle to get my polite, respectful little girl back.

We have a LOT of defiance going on. We hear a lot of attitude. We talk a lot about making good choices, listening ears and inside voices.  I have used the line “because I am your mom, that’s why” way more than I thought possible at this point. I ignore the behaviors I am trying to diminish as much as humanly possible.

And it feels like it is all for nothing. Except that I KNOW we are getting through to her at least some of the time by her actions.

I would say her 3 biggest offenses right now – in no particular order are

(1) not cooperating at bedtime (example: she has been in her bed for 35 55 minutes now whining/stalling/trying to find anyway not to sleep)

(2) a bad attitude (example: general grumpiness and angst in the form of whining, grunting and total body limpness. or, saying “you’re not the boss of me” when asked to come in from outside)

(3) being defiant (example: flat out refusing to pick up her toys when she is asked complete with “I am not doing it. I don’t have to listen to you”)

And our biggest parenting challenge is effective discipline.  Taking her toys away? She could care less. Timeouts? They work some of the time, but overall, they don’t really phase her. Reward charts? They don’t matter to her. Losing privileges? again, she just doesn’t really care at the time – because if she doesn’t want to pick up her blocks before going to the zoo, she is not picking up her damn blocks. Maybe we are doing something wrong or maybe she is just that tough, I don’t know!

I am not a proponent of spanking or anything like that, but some days – I am telling you it sounds like it might be a good idea. 

Mike and I feel stuck – like nothing we do is working. We KNOW she is a good kid, but when she’s not? Look out – Miss Attitude is in full effect.  We also know that she is 3 and we try to maintain our expectations with her age. But telling your parents “no, I’m not doin’ it” when asked to pick up your toys and saying words like “stupid, shut up and idiot” is not flying in this house, ever.

We try to always give her timelines, warnings, expectations up front – i.e. “when we are done getting dressed, we are going to brush our teeth and do our hair”. or “in 10 minutes we are going to bed/in 5 minutes we are going to bed”. or “we have to use our words when we need something”

Please don’t get me wrong – she is still as hilarious & awesome as ever. And she has her days of total sweetness. But the days filled with Attitude are quickly overtaking the days filled with Sweetness.  I would really prefer that ratio be the other way around.

Any tips on navigating the threenage drama? Because let me tell you – if this is only the BEGINNING of the drama, lord help me and send lots of wine for the real teenage drama that is headed our way.

Crunch, Crunch, Crunch

Crunchy. Granola. Hippie. Environmentally friendly.

Has lost her mind.

Whatever you want to call it, that is sort of where I am right now when it comes to thinking about raising another child, things I want to do differently, experiences I hope to change/have, etc.  I have had a lot of time to think about this stuff, connected with a lot of other moms, gotten different views/changed my opinion on things, etc. etc.  My husband thinks, on pretty much all accounts, I have lost my mind. Or the fertility drugs screwed with me.

Exhibit A: Natural Child Birth

This is the one that has the heads of pretty much everyone who knows me spinning. I am not exactly known for my pain tolerance (although, I swear the older I get the higher it gets) so the idea of pushing a human with a head the size of a bowling ball out of my lady parts with no drugs seems a little out of character.  Don’t get me wrong, I was lucky to have a pretty easy induction/labor/delivery last time (if you don’t count that I pushed for 2+ hours)  and it was just how I wanted it then. But I felt terrible afterwards. And for a long time. And that sucked.

But I have thought about this whole natural thing for a long long time. And read a lot of stuff. And thought about it some more. And researched some more. And I really really feel that the Bradley Method is something that I can master and rock out sometime in January (hopefully not February). I have no doubt in my mind that sometime during the process I will also be sure I have lost my mind – but I also know that at the end, I will be so proud of myself and it will all be worth it. Also, the pain is temporary – said human with a head the size of a bowling ball HAS to come out eventually!

We finally found someone local who is a trained Bradley instructor (this was really difficult actually) and should be starting our classes in about a month.  Mike and I watched The Business of Being Born this weekend – I thought it might help Mike get on board (FAIL!) but he is still willing to go along with my plan. I can only hope that as we go through the classes, he ups his ability to be my cheerleader.  I know he will support me no matter what, even if he doesn’t understand why I want to do this.

Exhibit B: Breastfeeding

Okay, so this probably doesn’t fit the modern day definition of crunchy, but for me it does. I had ZERO desire to breastfeed the first time around, and it worked for us. I have no regrets or anything like that – so don’t think that. It’s just another one of those things that I have researched, thought about, and decided I think I want to try it out this time around.  Again, I’m not delusional or anything – I’m sure part of me is totally nuts for wanting to give breastfeeding a shot for the first time with a 3 (almost 4) year old in the house. I’m sure that’s only going to up the challenge, but again, I’m willing to give it a shot.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t MORE scared to try this than I was to give birth naturally. Because, I totally am. Maybe because this an ongoing challenge, not just a one-time challenge. I don’t know, but hey! I’m always up for the next bit of crazy in my life.

Exhibit C: Cloth Diapering

One of my closest friends cloth diapers, and I’ve always been intrigued.  I for SURE thought she was nuts when she started doing it, but then, the more I was around her – the more I realized it wasn’t a big deal at all. And started figuring out the savings associated. Which got me even more interested.  It’s not old school, or whatever you think, cloth diapering is literally EXACTLY THE SAME as using pampers, or huggies, or whatever. (Sure, you can go the old school-type route if you REALLY want to – I don’t) Ya, it’s more laundry – but again, not a huge deal to me. Plus – have you SEEN the cloth diapers out there –they are so freaking cute!

Mike is totally freaked out by this idea, maybe more than any other idea that I have. Which okay, I get it – it’s different and maybe a little out there. And of anything, I’ll budge on this because he IS the one that is home all day. But if I was the one home, I would be hammering a little harder about this!  Still – if you’ve gone this route with a more than resistant husband – how did you get him over it?

 

It’s a whole new world out there – and there’s going to be a whole new world around here too. If you have experience with any or all of these things, I’d gladly accept your story/info/good places to get information/etc. I’m a research junkie, after all!

combating the three year old stubborn

and other seemingly ridiculous attempts at parenting a threenager.

It appears that the age of three leaves these smart little creatures stuck somewhere between the ability to reason and the ability to do whatever their parents say. What is that called again… oh ya, free will!

Which leaves the parents somewhere between wanting to give their child the independence they crave and the need to guide them to make appropriate decisions (i.e. not wearing a sweatshirt when its 90 degrees outside or insisting they bathe).  Or it leaves these parents stuck there.

But we have pretty reasonable expectations of her, that she is well aware of. pick up after yourself, no whining and be respectful. We always give G choices – you can have a or b – usually, it’s not an issue and she picks something.  Except when she doesn’t. Then! Look out because she’s going down and taking you with her.

We attempt to pick our battles , as en example we know 9 out of 10 times she’s not going to eat her dinner, so we don’t make her – but she does have to sit with us at the table.  Sometimes it doesn’t really matter though – she wants what she wants and nothing else matters. No choice or discussion is going to make a difference.  Which is fine and I am assuming normal for her age.

But we are still struggling with her in a way.  We know she gets more frustrated when she is hungry and/or tired and there are a few things that we know will set her off (i.e. if her underwear are even a drop wet, she will lose her everlovingmind) so we are conscious of these things.  She is VERY vocal and articulate – but sometimes, she will literally just whine, whimper and cry about something that is bothering her, but won’t articulate what that thing is to us.  Some days, or sometimes several time a day, she just chooses not to listen (normal, I know) which tends to lead into a screeching, screaming rage over something ridiculous like asking her to put her shoes on the right feet.

More than anything though, I am struggling at figuring out how to help her learn how to handle her feelings and express them appropriately. it’s impossible to know most days what will set her off and when, which makes it hard to anticipate!

We are aware that we need to be more consistent with our initiation of discipline (i.e. counting to 3 or whatever) – she is always aware and we are consistent with her consequences – but getting there tends to be our issue.  And just figuring out how to get us all through this stage with our sanity, hair and eardrums intact is exhausting, quite frankly.

I know we aren’t the only parents to feel defeated by their stubborn preschooler, so feel free to provide any ass-vice you have on the topic.

I will say though – that she is still pretty much the funniest, most awesome girl I know.  Naturally.

about the whole potty training gig

Gianna was not going to budge on the whole potty training issue, so we had to make a parental strategic move.

So we took the diapers (and her night time binkie’s) away from Gianna over memorial day weekend.  (really, we had her gift them to her soon-to-be-born baby cousin, Luci.  it worked PERFECTLY!)

the first morning was pretty rough, but really after that it wasn’t so difficult.  We knew that she could do it, she just had to be forced into it.

she’s even dry at night – which, awesome!

EXCEPT (there’s always an except, isn’t there?)

this girl is the stealthiest pooper in the world.

who happens to not enjoy doing her stealthy pooping on the toilet.

which is frustrating as hell.

she’s not motivated by reward. or by punishment. or by the fact that all her friends do it. or stickers. or candy. or having to clean up her mess. or sit in it. or anything at all, quite honestly. so all of our attempts to buy her ANYTHING SHE WANTS or give her ALL THE CHOCOLATE or whatever if she will just poop in the damn toilet – they don’t work.

she HAS done it successfully once for sure, possibly twice. she is also a quick-draw with the toilet flusher, so we didn’t visualize the evidence when she said she want the other day. so I am only half counting it.  But regardless, she knows where/when/how to accomplish this task on her own. She just doesn’t appear to be interested in that.

so, I guess here’s what I need to know -

a) that it will all be okay sooner than later

b) if anyone has some seriously genius ass-vice on how to get her to do her shit (ha!) in the appropriate receptacle.

Overall, I count her potty trained, if we can get this little “issue” under control – we will be good as gold.

so, HALP?!!

Please, Thank You and You’re Welcome

Danifred wrote a post recently about manners, essentially. 

And it got me thinking, because we get comments quite often about how Gianna regularly and appropriately uses manners.  I don’t actually understand the nature of such comments because I feel like it’s all just very normal behavior and expectations.

A few of the things we just do/have built in to our daily routine/ways we help Gianna to be polite and respectful:

1 - we use ma'am and sir when appropriate, we don't quite enforce it yet, but she has picked it up for sure.  I don’t think she needs to call me or mike or anyone that is constant in her life sir or ma’am, so this really doesn’t come up often for us.  I’m sure as she gets older it will make more sense to begin using it in the right context.  She actually gets mad if you say ma’am to her – she’ll say “I am GIANNA, not a MA’AM!”

2 - we use Miss/Mr First Name - but honestly, we are the ONLY Of our friends who do this.  We get weird looks sometimes but most people go with it.  It’s important for her to know that we are respectful of people and I feel this is a good way to demonstrate that.

3 - I always have Gianna introduce herself (usually she needs no prompting, she’s not exactly shy!)- she loves to say "Hi, My name is Gianna. Nice ta meetcha"!  and she shakes whoevers hand!

4 - we are working on interrupting right now, she needs to know that is disrespectful and to wait her turn.  and to say "excuse me" if it's REALLY important and she can't wait!  This has really come to light after she recently literally stood between Mike and I and said “HEY!” while we were talking about something!

5 – I’ll step in to discipline or redirect other kids, especially when other kids could get hurt/that kid could get hurt etc., if parents are no where to be seen and/or are oblivious to what's going on.

6 – She asks to be excused from the table. And clears her plates. (sometimes this actually works AGAINST me because she will throw ALL of her food away so she doesn’t have to eat dinner. ya. awesome)

7 – we always use please, thank you, you’re welcome.  Again, this sometimes works against me because if she doesn’t want to do something (i.e. eat dinner) she says “no tank you” very matter of factly.  And she still signs please, which just KILLS me. And has recently added “pretty please” to her list of things that make you go AWWWW.

What about you? What are your feelings on kids and manners and all that jazz?

I don’t get mad if she doesn’t follow through totally on things, but I know she is learning and  picking up on all of it because I have to remind her MUCH less (hardly ever, actually) about any of  - it’s all just very normal and that is EXACTLY what I wanted.  It SHOULD be normal to say please!

Valentines Date with Dr. Wonderful

Our follow-up with Dr. Wonderful was on Tuesday – it made for a very romantic start to valentine’s day.

As I expected, we talked for a few minutes and he said that “you appear to have ovarian function. your uterus looks normal.  Mike’s sperm are normal in shape, number and movement”  And that was about the end of that.

the genetic screenings came back normal – expected, but always good to hear.

So now what.

We talked about just timing intercourse with a trigger shot – but I didn’t really like that plan.  So Clomid is the next likely coarse of action.

Dr. Wonderful is a FAST talker – but I think I caught everything he was saying.

Next cycle I will call them, they call in the Clomid Rx and schedule a monitoring appointment and post-coital test (dreading that part) with a trigger shot & progesterone after ovulation.  In the meantime I am supposed to take 81mg aspirin, foltex and my regular prenatal. 

After we talked about that, he figured we might as well “take a peek” at my ovaries to see how things were going this cycle. He said I had a 14mm follicle so, and I quote “since it’s valentine’s day and I am sure you will see your husband tonight, I want you to have sex tonight. Again on Thursday, Saturday and if you have the energy, Monday”

I have never been given a prescription for sex before. First time for everything, huh?

The best part of the appointment was the fact that he asked if I was okay with everything.  Quite honestly, I didn’t think we would be here, so “okay” is relative, and he talks REALLY fast, almost too fast to think of any questions.

I am a little freaked out about the whole thing just because it’s new and not something I really am excited to do. I have an idea of what to expect with the medicine.  Are there any questions I should be asking when (if?) I call Dr. Wonderful at the beginning of the cycle? I like to be prepared.

So I guess, here we go!

A post in which I vent a little

This is probably going to be totally random, but I just need to get it out there.

Today was the baby shower for one of my best friends, that I threw.  It was a pretty great party (pictures soon!) and I hope that she feels overwhelmed with love and support.

But as I was watching Gianna interact during the “gift opening” – all her “O! That’s so CUTE!” comments and general cuteness over all the “itty bitty tiny things” – my heart began hurting.  I fought back tears at one point (a benefit of having your eye behind the camera)  because I want, with all that I have, for Gianna to be a big sister. To love another child like I love her. 

I don’t like to talk about where we are at with the TTC process very much (especially in public situations), so questions and comments like “how’s the baby making going?” or “when is Gianna going to have a little brother/sister?”, while I KNOW the person isn’t asking to be an asshole (in fact trying to be the opposite, I am sure) or really has any idea of the situation, it still is upsetting.  I generally just say “it’s going” or “someday” in response and leave it at that.  Honest to goodness, I dream of the day when I can say we are adding to our family.

We were supposed to visit our friends who just had a new baby tonight, and while I am sad that I couldn’t make it (Gianna needed to stay home and “sleep in my own bed” after a long day today), I feel like that wasn’t going to be a good place for me to be tonight.  As much as I want to meet the little guy and snuggle him up, I don’t. 

I wish these feelings would just go away and I could be my usual happy self all of the time – but they are what they are.  And I AM generally happy, but sometimes I just want to feel sorry for myself and vent on my blog because I can. 

Also, I normally would never wish for CD1, but I just wish it was here so we could get on with this process – waiting sucks. And the hard thing is, there is still that little bit of naive hope that CD1 won’t come around for 10 months. 

What do you call it?

The technical definition of Infertility is one year of attempting to become pregnant without success. So what is it called when you are where I am? Subfertility? Secondary uterine-backlash?

I have had 7 cycles since my Mirena was taken out. with 2 early miscarriages. Lots of tears. Lots of anger and frustration.

And I feel alone.

And like the only person who can’t successfully conceive and carry a child.

When I say that nearly EVERYONE we are close with is pregnant/just gave birth, that is not an exaggeration.  And when I say I have all but lost the ability to express my excitement for them, that is not an exaggeration either. It makes me feel like a terrible friend, but honestly, the sadness and frustration are overwhelming and grow with each "announcement" I hear.  Of course, I AM happy for them - it's fantastic.  But it makes me feel even more broken and alone because 90% or more of them were not trying to get pregnant. That is the part that feels unfair.  The most recent "announcement" was supposed to be over dinner with our friends, which we couldn't make.  God knew that I would not be able to handle that in person, I think.  When my husband told me his best friend and his wife are pregnant with twins (their second natural twin pregnancy) I lost it. i would have never been able to stay composed had they told me, and they will never understand (thankfully) what Mike and I have been going through.

I think I needed to cry like that, because I really hadn't yet.

I'm not quite sure where to go from here.

Yes, We have one beautiful child who we love more than words. But this family is far from complete.

We have an appointment with our ob/gyn on the 16th – I set it up after my last ultrasound “just in case”, hoping I would be able to turn it into a pregnancy appointment.

In the back of mind mind, I figured we would be here though, trying to figure out the next step in this journey.

Except I don’t really know WHAT this step is.

We had the RPL panel. Normal.  We had the saline ultrasound. Normal. I've been temping - my cycles are a little wacky, but my LP is a predictable 12 days no matter what day I O.

So what IS the next step in this road?  I have been toying with cancelling the appointment because I feel it might be pointless.  But I know that if I don’t go, I’ll continue to be frustrated and feeling like I am running in place.

We, like most people, do not have infertility coverage. So I really don’t know what happens now. I know they can “code around” to a certain extent, but still, it all makes me a little nervous.

I like to have a game plan, I don’t want to walk in to the appointment with a blank look on my face, because I am not sure where that is going to get me.

If you have been here before, what is your story? What did you do next?

Any and all advice is welcome.

Picking your brain

I need some advice on a few things from my favorite internet comrades.

First topic: Blog

I mostly blog for myself, but sometimes I feel like I should blog about SOMETHING. With a little bit of myself thrown in there. Thoughts on that? Do you prefer reading about peoples everyday nonsense? Seeing pictures? Knowing that if you read blog ABC it will actually be about a THING in most cases? I can’t decide. 

I know what annoys me when reading blogs (too many pictures, too many MYBABYISSOCUTEANDSMARTERTHANYOUTOO posts, colored fonts, constant reviews of stuff I can’t win etc) and I know what I like (pictures that go with words sometimes, updates & actual thoughts)

But what about you? What is most annoying? What is most enjoyed?

Second topic: Shoes

We are going on a big vacation in October that will involve lots of walking. I need to get new shoes, that are NOT tennis shoes. I have narrowish feet with small bunions. Recommendations? I normally don’t wear socks, so shoes that look cute without socks and can be worn with jeans or skirts/dresses would be STELLAR!

Third topic: 3 row vehicles

One of the blessings that will come along with my new job is the ability to purchase a new (okay, new to us because we are so NOT buying new) car sooner than we expected. I would ideally like a vehicle with 3 rows – and am opening my narrow little mind to the idea of a van (I can’t believe I just typed that). I DESPISE car shopping, know NOTHING on the topic and need LOTS of hand holding and real life recommendations. So give it to me straight.  Also since I am planning WAY ahead with this purchase, if you have a vehicle with only 2 rows that fits more than 2 car seats COMFORTABLY I would love to hear about it. (greater than 25mpg would be a huge bonus!)

and since I am totally needy right now –

Fourth topic: Lunch

I need some good ideas for work lunches. If it doesn’t involve mayonnaise or a salad that is any thing other than lettuce or pasta based, I will probably like it! Also good ideas of breakfast on the go? My commute is about 40 minutes, and while I am not a “breakfast” person, it would be good to be able to eat something on my way.

I know I can count on you, friends – don’t let me down!

Mountains, Valleys & Uphill Battles

Things in my life have always been very uphill-battle-esque – like trying to climb out of quicksand – as soon as you think you have your footing, something slips out from underneath you knocking you square on your ass. Of course there have been some happy valleys thrown in there, too – I am an overall happy person despite the shit that gets thrown my way.

But that’s life, and we just deal with it and move forward smiling.

I lost my job, I figured out a way to make ends meet. Not always an easy task, but you do what needs to be done.

I finished my Master’s degree and searched for a job with my new found education. Frustratingly.

I had interviews and thought for SURE this is going to work out.

And you know what, it finally did.

On August 1st I will start a new position, one that has potential, one that I wasn’t sure I would even want but the more I think, learn and open my mind – the more excited I feel about this opportunity.

Financially, this is going to mean the world to us. As we all know, financial stress can suck the life out of a person, consider us on our last bar of life because we ARE the poster children for financial stress – so to feel secure in that aspect of life, I honestly can’t imagine what it is going to feel like but I can’t wait to find out!

The uphill battle part of this whole change is going to be that I have a 40min or more compute each way and will be gone 5 days a week. Which means my family time has gone from all.the.livelongday to about 60 hoursish a week.

From someone who didn’t ever want to stay home with her kids, to one that was forced into that role – I feel so blessed that I had that experience. That I have had the last 9 months to spend with Gianna, it was the most wonderfully challenging gift I could have been given.

That adjustment is going to be hard for me, I hope it’s not hard for her. But it is just that – an adjustment, soon enough it’ll be no big deal. I enjoy working, so I am sure [I hope!] it won’t take long for a new normal to set in.

We have a lot of scheduling issues to work out, like when I am going to still work my Jewelry biz, Mike’s varying work schedules, potential part-time preschool for G and hopefully a dance class for her as well!

It’s a new adventure, one that I didn’t think I was ready for, but am feeling much better about as it all sinks in. And feeling very thankful and blessed for a change in the right direction this time.

Thinking Things Through

I have been “unemployed” since October – using that term lightly since I sell Premier Designs Jewelry, freelance write and teach & have been doing 2/3 since October. Putting those three incomes together I make well over what I was brining home from my full-time position, in a LOT less hours.

And I get to stay home with this spunky girl.

Watching her grow, teaching her things and really ENJOYing her & enjoying being her mom. I have always LOVED her, but when I saw her for only about an hour a day – the most stressful hour of her day (dinner/bath), after my own stressful day at work – typically there wasn’t much fun or enjoyment to be had.

Since October and really since graduating last month, I have turned up the job-searching to find a full-time position, because, that stable income and better health insurance would take a lot of [financial] stress of both Mike and I.

I had an interview last week for an 8-5/M-F position, it went well (haven’t heard back yet) and sounds like it would be a good opportunity. My biggest hang up? It’d be at least an hour drive each way & I haven’t worked 5 days a week since BEFORE I had Gianna (compressed work week was the best thing about my old job) and I don’t know that I want to make that commitment again if it’s not the exact right place to be. There’s no way to know, of course, if it would be the exact right place to be unless I got the job.

Working M-F comes with it’s own stresses though – daycare costs, missing time with Gianna/family, going back to that unbalanced feeling I had before.

I don’t know what is right (or even really what I WANT!), clearly I will do whatever I NEED to do for my family, regardless. I have been in such a state of “what’s next?” that it’s starting to blur the lines in mind of what I want, need and what a good option is for everyone.

My belief is that family comes first, work comes second – praying that I can stay true to that….

It’s what friends do

You may have noticed this shiny new button over here -----> (thanks Suzy!) maybe you have seen the new page ( ^^ up there ^^)
And maybe you have wondered what in the world is going on.
Let me tell you -
Jen is one of my favorite people. She understands my sarcasm, makes me laugh, understands my need for shoes and will share a pot of coffee and some donuts (or beer and nachos) with me while our girls play.
We met a few years ago through the internet (naturally) and have been friends ever since.
Luckily, our girls like each other too.

Jen has been through more in the past few months than anyone should ever have to. She has experienced both joy and sorrow in the same day and the unimaginable emotional roller coaster of having a baby in the NICU for months on end, all while going about her “regular” life that includes a full time job and a thriving toddler at home (and Mark too, her husband!).
When you consider someone a friend & something painful happens to them, it makes my heart ache.
It makes me want to help and do SOMETHING to take away the hurt/stress/frustration. But what if that SOMETHING is too big, too painful and too much for me, just one little ol’ friend, to do anything about?
That’s when we ask other friends.
(who are so wonderful & helped me come up with and refine the ideas for The Event)
And the internet.
(because internet friends are some of the best kind around)
Together, we can pour all of our hope, prayers and strength into this little girl and her family by giving our thoughts and prayers an action.
The idea behind the “blog-raiser” and Event is to show our support and bring some relaxation with a side of fun to the Knepper’s.
The response so far has been tremendous, in an awesome way, and for that I am grateful to each and every one of you. For your big hearts, for your love, for your caring thoughts.
We are doing this because that’s just what friends do – they take care of each, whatever it takes.

If you are visiting from Jen’s blog – HEY! Thanks for visiting, you rock!