Game over. Try again.

I had a thought this morning as I stared at a digital pregnancy test that was all but screaming “not pregnant” at me. again.

These damn things should at least be more entertaining if they are going to deliver bad news, especially so early in the morning.

Something along the lines of “try again, bitch” would have at least made me chuckle this morning.

Or “Bwahahaha. No.”

“game over” or “better luck next time” could also work.

I think “Maybe if you just would have relaxed” would be a fan favorite.

Although, they are probably going to have to make that little window bigger to fit all the snark.

And if (when) it is positive? There will be instant cheers and a flash mob. And someone to snap a picture so you can forever capture that look of shock, awe and bedhead all wrapped into one nice little package.

For the record, Jen and I totally have the market cornered on this and plan to live the rest of our lives, after we make our millions off of THE digital pregnancy test full o’ snark, with a pool boy feeding us alcohol and helping us into our spanks. Or something like that.

Friday Night Leftovers

• This has been a freaking long week.
• I am sitting on my couch, “snugged up” in a blanket, drinking wine, eating a margarita pizza and watching the DVR.
• And I plan on having at least one more glass of said wine. Because I can. Because my uterus, it hates me.
• More on the above in a separate post.
• I scheduled the Traverse for its first oil change. And I went over 5,000 miles today. I have had the car since Mid October!
• This has been the week of passive aggressive insanity.  At work. Through emails. Through text messages. Super fun. Or not.
• Mike took down the baby gate yesterday. It was the last “baby” thing we had in our house. A little bittersweet. Or a lot.
• One night this week, we all sat in our bed – Gianna in her rapunzel dress – and listened to music, sang along and laughed a lot. Nothing else mattered and the love was overflowing. I think that memory will be permanent.  Or at least I hope it is.
• A house in our neighborhood caught fire last night.  That was a REALLY scary thing to witness but everyone was ok. The house, not so much.
• I am the planner in 99,99% of the relationships I have – usually, it’s not a problem but sometimes, I just don’t want to be responsible for deciding, planning, executing all the time.
• It snowed at the beginning of this week and it was 50 today. Ohio weather is so weird.
• Next weekend we are taking Gianna to see Disney Princesses on Ice.  She is going to lose her shit.
• Mike is just an awesome husband and dad. He had our house spotless several days this week, dinner on the table. And has put up with my ridiculous moodiness.  He really is just awesome.

It’s a Mental Journey

It has been 6 months since we actively started TTC for a second child. 

It has been about a year since I was mentally and emotionally ready to add to our family.  But life a year ago, was not at all ideal for TTC, so we did the mature thing and waited and I mentally planned.

So for that reason, it feels like this journey has been a lot longer than it actually has so far. 

I see friends with kids G’s age and I see those kids as big brothers/sisters (many 1, 2 or 3 times over by now) - I want to cry. I see and watch Gianna talk about babies, take care of “her” babies and the other night when she was reading a book and mentioned that the little girls in the book were “me and that’s my sista” – I almost lost my shit right there on the bedroom floor.  I want that so badly for her, for us.

Our first journey into TTC left us broken hearted for 8 months and on the 9th month – there was no fear when that positive test showed up on my bathroom counter. No question that the prize at the end would be in our arms 9 months later. And thankfully, that was the way it worked.

This time? I started out thinking that it could be a quick journey, but prepared for the long haul. Never ever imagining that a positive test would end with anything but a baby 9 months later.  There is no question that the 2 {early} miscarriages have left me thoroughly pissed the hell off jaded . It’s the slowest, most painful form of torture I have ever experienced.

Having to buy tampons every month makes me want to scream.  The neurotic thoughts that go through my head during the TWT [two weeks of torture] annoy me. Pregnancy announcements piss me off.  I hate feeling this way. 

TTC is a total mental game – stay positive, stay hopeful, don’t be angry – I think I need to give myself a break from the positive thoughts – allow myself to be mad for a minute.  Obviously, that’s not going to do any good in the end, but it might make me feel better for a second.

This is the second month of 25 day cycles with ovulation occurring somewhere between CD12 and 14.  I have tossed around the idea of temping for awhile, tomorrow I will start. Something seems a little off and it will at least be proactive.

Most days, it feels like no one understands where I am in this journey.  I get a lot of comments about how “it hasn’t been that long”, “just relax”, “it’ll happen eventually”, “at least you already have a child” – right, whatever, shut the hell up is kind of how I want to respond.  Usually I just kinda smile and nod with clinched teeth.  The mental journey has been longer than the physical one, making it all feel that much more difficult and unfair.

And yes, I thank God every single day for the blue-eyed, blonde haired beauty he has brought into my life and I pray so hard every single day that we can do it all again someday soon. I am trying so hard to hand it all over to Him, but that’s another mental journey.

I need your thoughts

Have you heard that we have been trying to add to our family? Probably, huh?

We thought we accomplished that goal this past week.

I felt like I was pregnant. The daily pregnancy tests were looking good. I was nervous after last month, but felt okay about the situation. I waited a week to call the doctor, even. We decided to tell our families on Saturday, because we STINK at keeping secrets.

And on Saturday afternoon, the spotting started. Followed by bleeding.

Confirmed Sunday as another early miscarriage.

I really don’t know what to think.  I am frustrated. And mad. And sad. And confused.

My initial thought is to make an appointment with my doctor to just talk things out.  But then I think, what is that going to accomplish?  At my annual, which was 2 weeks after the last miscarriage, this was how the conversation went with the midwife I usually see:

MW: “are you trying to get pregnant?”

Me: “yes…we actually had what seemed to be a chemical pregnancy this past month….”

MW: “oh, well, that happens sometimes”

Me: “um…..”

MW: “so, let me stick my hands in your vagina real quick so we can move on.”  “okay, all done, It took you awhile to get pregnant last time, right?”

Me: “9 months”

MW: “okay,well I bet you get pregnant when you are all relaxed on that fabulous vacation you have coming up”

Me: “right….”

I left feeling a little annoyed.  I know it’s not the biggest deal in the world, but it was the biggest deal in MY world.

What am I even going to say or ask when I go in this time?  “So it appears that I can get pregnant, however my uterus is revolting – can you help make it a happier place?”

We have been at this for 5 cycles since having my Mirena removed, which I know isn’t an exceptional period of time.  I don’t chart using BBT – but I do chart CM changes, use OPK’s and PreSeed.  I am feeling pretty helpless and that stinks.

Any advice on what to bring up at this WTF? appointment?

+/-

This isn’t the post I had hoped to be writing, but here I am.

A week ago I was feeling sick and decided to take a pregnancy test – I really don’t ever test early, but for some reason I felt like I had too.

And it was positive.

And I was SHOCKED. Mike was SO excited.

I was also pretty unsure, anxious almost, over it.  It seemed too easy this time.

On Monday I took 2 more tests – still positive. Still shocked. But feeling a little calmer.

Tuesday, same deal, I tested before I left for the airport and my lines all seemed to be getting a little darker.

I went about my business in Chicago that day, letting the whole situation sink in but still feeling a little uneasy for some reason.

I woke up on Wednesday and I knew something was not right.

To the bathroom I headed to deal with every pregnant woman’s worst nightmare – bleeding.

It continued and I just kind of went numb. I was alone and pretty confused as to what was going on. But I had a pretty good idea of what the outcome was going to be.

Thursday I knew what I had to do – I had to take a pregnancy test to confirm what I was fearing.

It was negative. I knew then, that it was a chemical pregnancy. And it was over.

No one except Mike knew about the pregnancy, so I felt even more lonely – I really didn’t want to tell my mom and sisters about it over the phone, it seemed silly since there really wasn’t much to be said at that point.

I fully realize that this is not the end of the world, and had I not been TTC I wouldn’t have even known what was going on.  I guess that’s the double-edged sword in this whole situation, huh?

Disappointed is probably the appropriate emotion here, not so much sadness (although there is a little of that). I know it’s not a huge deal and we will just keep on moving forward, but it still kind of sucks.

Someday Gianna will be able to wear the big sister shirt I ordered for her, just not this day.

And I am okay with that, because really, what other choice do I have? I am positive that day will come eventually.

TTC part 2, the impatient factor

We TTC for about 9 months before we got pregnant with Gianna. It sucked as much as one would imagine, but we had no idea how awesome the outcome would REALLY be, so while it DID feel like a long road, it wasn’t one that we necessarily were ready to race down.

This time? I know how awesome being a parent is and just want to do it again. Now.

I am feeling very impatient over the whole process. Maybe it’s because most of my good friends have recently (or will soon be) having new babies. Or because G interacts SO well with said new babies. Or who knows why, really – I just am! 

I am , however realistic and I didn’t think for a minute this would happen quickly, so far we’ve had 2 unsuccessful cycles which isn’t a big deal.

I feel like it took me those 2 cycles to dig out all the information about TTC I had stored in my brain somewhere – and last month I was in a different state than my husband when I ovulated [making this week’s BFN/AF visit not so damaging].  As much as I HATE the line “it happens for a reason”, I have to kind of lean on that right now for my own sanity.

Or at least use it to ease my growing impatience because in all reality – the past 2 months were not ideal in terms of conceiving. I have a better idea of my cycles post-mirena and feel more ready to actively TTC.  In other words, it’s time to get serious!

Gianna will be a great big sister some day, and as much as having another baby scares the shit out of me – it is starting to really excite me.

Praying for patience to carry me through this journey, as long as it takes, because I know no matter the path the prize at the end is better than I can even begin to imagine.

trickster

i have come to realize that i don't know how to "just relax" when it comes to this whole baby making process. i wish i did. i wish i was okay with it happening "whenever" - i mean i am, kinda. but i want our family to start now - soon - not later. i am ready. at least i think i am. and i think the more i tell myself "it's ok, next month...." the more my body thinks this is hilarious and just makes up all these ways to trick me. last month - it was with AF showing up an entire week late. sure, maybe it was stress, or late ovulation or whatever - but the truth is i don't give a shit why because i wasn't pregnant & it wasn't funny! This month - so far, i am 2 days late and honestly have been so busy that I haven't thought much about it - but i can tell you what has been happening for a few days that is obnoxious - i am bloated a ridiculous amount [abnormal, but AF is supposed to be here so no biggie?], cramps [again, AF is coming....] and now, the boobs. they are uncomfortable [abnormal AND annoying].
We went to a wedding last night - and i of course wanted to partake in the adult activities if possible, so I took the stupid test [pretty much against all better judgement] and it was of course negative.
*shocking*.
no.
i do not think i am pregnant - i do not have any "hope" or whatever you want to call it, I just want my stupid period to start so I can get on with my life! but i have a funny feeling we may be having a repeat of last month - lovely.
This is getting ridiculous, body - if there is no baby... ok - but can we just get back to normal? we used to have such a decent relationship before, so punctual and mutually respectful.

also, i wish when i told people "when it happens, it happens and we will be thrilled" - i really felt like that. because i don't. As each month passes, I feel almost a little bit desperate, defeated, that maybe my body is broken. But then i try to put on my happy "everything happens for a reason." and "it'll happen when it's our time" face, no matter how hard it is some days - because i know that those two things are the absolute truth - even if the truth in fact sucks sometimes. I accept it, I just am having a hard time dealing with it as time goes on.
Especially when my sweet husband tells me about how he dreamt of us having a son.....

and the wait is over

b/c AF finally showed her face this morning. & I didn't even have to get stuck with a needle!

i'm not even mad [considering i wasn't hopeful to begin with].

just glad to know something! and to be able to move on to next month.

all of the advice/support/comments helped alot :)

what gives?

that is the question of the day.

i got another BFN today* - i'm 21dpo....1week late (so CD35 of 28) and hella confused by my body! Really, I don't know what if feels like to be pregnant - so how would i know if i am or not?! Since the tests keep saying NO! I am inclined to think they are right. I should probably suck it up and get a blood test done so that I know for sure - but I am maybe a little bit scared to do this. Really, I have no reason to be, I don't ever expect a positive test and i certainly wouldn't expect my blood to show something that my pee doesn't - but "they" say it can happen sometimes. Who are "they"anyway?!!

I also can.not concentrate the past two days - what the heck!! I just want to go back to sleep, like every hour. Clearly I can't do that or I would be getting nowhere fast. Poor husband, all he hears from me is "i need a nap"! studying for 7hrs a day really takes a lot out of a person i guess....

ohh one more thing - make sure you stop and keep Jen company the next week and half... she needs some good vibes :)

*thank you everyone for your good vibes and positive attitudes. i appreciate it SO much!

it's my birthday and i'll show off if i want too

Ok so we are going back a little bit - but hey, it's my birthday!

Friday night I went out with 2 of my very best friends in the whole entire world (and goddaughter) to kick off Rockin' on the River. It was chilly, but fun. [they are letting me pick whatever pampered chef items I want for my birthday present! yay!]

Sunday we had the big party - and I got presents!

Me and my sister, the other birthday girl! We are twins, in case you haven't caught on to that tidbit by now :)

My sister is amazing and she got me a new grill! [our old one was capable to ignite itself and anyone who came near it]


husband and I enjoying the beautiful weather we had!

Remember what I was saying about water - my mom and [almost] step dad got me this water cooler. best.thing.ever!



and my inlaws got me this beautiful kitchen aide I have been lusting over for years! along with the pastamaker attachement.








How did I get so lucky? So I may have had to celebrate early, but it didn't make my birthday any less amazing! And I am still loving my camera to pieces - I got to use it a lot last night at mike's lacrosse game and I impressed the shit out of myself! (I will share when i can)



as for the other present i am waiting on.... AF isn't here yet, and you know I had to test this morning - BFN. I don't know what to think, but I will tell you what - I'm glad I had that beer ;)

step away

from the 'pregnancy symptom checker' websites.

i am telling you what - this TWW is getting ridic! i actually have HPT in the house - not something i am used to, and not something that is good for my health (mental or otherwise) b/c she has no willpower. none. zero.

• tested friday (9dpo) = BFN
• tested this am (11dpo) = BFN
• surprising - no!
• early for testing? - yes!! [kinda, the super fertile myrtles get bfp's @ those days in their cycle... but then some don't so i am not worrying... much... right?!]

ahhh just make the cramps/headaches/etc. stop - or AF come - or something!*

on a different note - i am very much enjoying my weekend of nothingness - until later when i have to actually accomplish things. but that's later right?

* i am ok-ish with not being pg,

i am not ok with feeling like crap and not being pg at the same time

it will just make me whine more.

thumbs down

sonofabitch, musta been the flu.*



i'll keep the baby dust in storage until nxt month - it's very much appreciated

*at least i didn't have to wait until friday?

next...

so i think what "they" say is true - POAS and "she" will come - because, here she is with her bags and all....

bitch.

literally, less than 4 hours after i did it, i started spotting... and this morning i have cramps like it's nobodies business - it's a good damn time.


i'm ok with it not happening again this time* - but really, do i have to have the S&S of pregnancy every.single.month to give me that glimmer of hope, i mean come on!

so, on to next month... i should be a little less stressed - maybe my eggs will be a little friendlier and more excited when the sperm come to visit....



*no really i am, i swear, i know it will happen when it's supposed, i just wish it was sooner than later.

future bridezilla?

Friday, after I realized I wasn't pregnant and had a little pitty party for myself when I got home (Mike was sad too) I got a phone call from my best friend since the age of 5 -----

She got engaged!

I was shocked as hell - I am glad she couldn't see my face! It was a smile/surprised face! I am happy for them, but man was I surprised!! I know they have been living together for a little while and she had been talking about it (but who doesn't?!!) but... bam! She started off by saying she didn't want to think about weddings etc until she graduates in the spring (false statement on her part, she is not that kind of a person, i knew she would throw herself into wedding planning instantly... )

She called me today and told me that she already was starting to look at reception halls! (told ya!) but for about a year from now... to each his own, things will work the way they will work! I for one, am an expert wedding planner, and had to dispell some myths she has already come up with just by browsing the internet. (if i do say so myself, our wedding was perfect! i am still getting compliments on it, we were also engaged for 3 years and i am incredibly meticulous... you figure it out!) so here's to her proving us all wrong and not becoming a future bridezilla - and if you ever read this blog - i hope you laugh, because you know i am right and i love you!

I am doing my part by throwing them an engagement dinner in a few weeks (i love planning things and it will be a nice way to celebrate) she liked that idea..... it should be fun.

anyway... my poor sister on the otherhand - not a happy camper. has been dating her boyfriend for 3years now and still no ring on her pretty little finger. she'll get one soon, it'll be pretty, and then i will have to go to a wedding in west virginia... yay. ;)

i know you are dying to see my self proclaimed incedible wedding - so here ya go:
http://www.nobleimages.us/mikeandrea

maybe next month

officially not our month to have a baby.

it's ok - i mean, it's not like i have a choice or anything. i haven't told mike yet, he was sleeping when i left this morning. i sort of thought that with how i was feeling this week it could have been what was going on - but almost in the back of my head, i knew that wasn't it. it was only our first month trying so it's not all that bad really, can't get discouraged.

the only really kind of selfish thing, is that we don't want a christmas baby - so we will probably try this month again, but then not again for a few months until we won't deliver in dec/jan if we would get pregnant. i know it's wierd, and selfish, but it's maybe we will change our minds too. that is what we were thinking last month.

on a happy note - a friend found out that she is pregnant after their first round of IVF which is awesome news!! i am very excited for them :)

we'll just keep trying ;)