It’s about kindness

This is about kindness, not politics. It’s about being human and loving others, not religion.

President Trump, not someone I am a fan of whatsoever, has put into effect an executive order that affects every.single.person in this country whether you think it does or not. 

I’m surprised this requires reminding, but this country was founded and built on the backs of those who came here from elsewhere – immigrants, refugees fleeing countries where they were no longer free to believe in their religion of choice or to practice their preferred profession or to love the people closest to them. MY family is here because they were granted entry into this country through Elis Island. YOUR family is here because they were granted entry.

I can guarantee that you ARE affected by this information not just from a family history standpoint but from a your-life-today standpoint. If you went to college, you surely had many classmates who were first generation citizens or many who came here on student visas, whose parents fought hard to come to the United States to give their children a life that wasn’t possible in the country where they were born, I was dorm-mates with several individuals who earned their green cards before we graduated. Those people, those colleauges, they were (are) the most patriotic, loyal citizens I’ve ever known. 

Your doctor, your pharmacist, the person who helped to engineer the bridge you drive over every day to work or school, the scientist who helped to create the medication you take on a daily basis, the educator who helped to mold your career, the owner of your favorite restaurant, the individual who provides translation services for the military helping to prevent actual terrorist attacks – SO MANY AMAZING PEOPLE are here, working and living alongside us every single day in ways you would never realize that were born in other countries.

Some of the smartest, most amazing human beings are here from somewhere else as LEGAL CITIZENS – they came here and PROVED that they were WORTHY of being United States citizens – something none of us who were privliged enough to be born here were forced to do.

Can you imagine having to leave the country because there was a death in your family, or a wedding to be celebrated, or your job required you to travel outside of the US – leaving your home, family and life behind for (what should have been a finite) time period, only to be REFUSED access back into the country of which you are a LEGAL CITIZEN? Or having to undergo, as was amended “secondary screening, but everything else will be normal.”

It truly is not normal for someone to be required to further prove that they are, in fact, citizens of this country and justified to return to THEIR HOME or to require an immigration lawyer before traveling. What about a family who, fleeing horrors I can’t even let myself imagine, after two years of vetting and proving they are worthy to come into this country is denied entry – on the day they had looked forward to for years – because of their religion and where they were, unfortunately, born? This is happening.

NOTHING about this makes sense. Nothing about this represents what this country was founded upon. If additional security measures should be imparted in specific circumstances so be it – I’m not here to debate that – but this goes WAY beyond anything that has been done before as far as my research tells me.

There are a whole host of other issues and bills and executive orders in the works or that have occured in the past 10 days that are so extreme we should all be consulting our history books alongside a calendar to make sure this isn’t the 1930s – but again, I am really not wanting to debate that – if you want to talk about it, email me.

Here’s what I AM saying –Stand up for what you believe in, peacefully (but not unrelentingly, if you are so moved). If you have facts, share them in a way that helps to educate and not demean others – we each have an opinion and that is wonderful – but unbiased facts do stand alone at the end of the day.

However, remember that during this incredibly difficult and hard to understand time, a time where so many of us are left baffled, angry, hurt, confused and up to our eyeballs in research trying to figure out what the hell is happening in our country – we all need to make a little extra effort to put out kindness, love and genuine action wherever and however possible into the universe. You have no idea what the person next to you is experiencing (every day, regardless of political happenings or otherwise) – be nice, hold the door, smile, remember that actions speak louder than words.

Reflections, etc.

I don’t think I could have ever anticipated the speed with which life would move at times as I was growing up (you know, back when a 30-minute TV show felt long and summer vacation was an eternity). Not only is life moving ahead at warp speed, it is changing and evolving and turning in circles continuously x5.

This year, with its (many) moments that felt as though they were going to drag on for much longer than I preferred, is almost over. Our family has experienced heartache, uncertainty, happiness, laughter, adventure – but regardless of the experience I’ve made it my priority to count it all joy.

It was really freaking hard to go through three miscarriages in a row. To feel like, despite the beautiful girls I have, my body was broken and I was weak. It was almost harder to feel confidence that the fourth time would be the charm – I still have my moments of doubt and nervousness but the more this baby kicks from the inside, the better and more excited I feel.

Mike lost his job this fall, that has been hard for obvious reasons. But it has also been a change that isn’t all bad – there is a bit more lightness in our house (job stress can be hard on everyone), a bit more togetherness (for better or worse) and a shifted focus to find something that might fit our family life a bit better regardless of financial sacrifices (it’s all just “stuff” anyway, right?). We are making it work and praying for the next great fit to come along soon!

Gianna has struggled with school but she has never struggled with her desire to try as hard as she possibly can. We have been navigating these waters for 3 years now and I think we are on the right path for her. She might get discouraged sometimes, as anyone would, but she tries and what more can you ask of anyone in any area of life?

Aleesia has some of the biggest emotions i have ever encountered, and I thought Gianna had big emotions (which she does!). Parenting those emotions and making strides with how she can control such emotions has been a challenge this year – we are getting there, slowly some days, but we are learning together what works for her and what doesn’t. Aleesia also has a wicked sense of humor, which makes you forget about those big emotions sometimes!

Vivian has an imagination that rivals Gianna’s – when I watch her play I sometimes forget how young she is! She is at the age where she picks up everything with her spongy brain and observant eyes. She also doesn’t love to sleep, which can make everyone slightly grumpy and irritable. We’re working on it (thank you, essential oils, for giving us some relief in recent days).

Our Cleveland Cavs won the NBA championship and our Cleveland Indians took the World Series to game 7 – those were big deals in this house in 2016!!

We have had other family things to navigate with our extended family, scary and not-so-scary alike. I have yelled too much on too many days. My patience has been used up before 9am, again, on too many days. There have been many moments where I needed to adjust my focus and priorities. There have also been moments that took my breath away because they were so fun, enjoyable, relaxing (okay, only a few of these!), memorable and special to make up for the ones that weren’t any of those things. But it will be alright in the end, the good/happy outweighs the bad/frustrating because I say it does!

Our village of friends and family has supported us through every crazy part of this year and I truly hope they have felt supported by us as well.

There has been a consious effort to cut back on our social “obligations” to focus on what is important and enjoyable to us as a family rather than always doing what we feel like we need to do (because why do we need to do something we don’t enjoy?). That has been a welcome change and one that has changed our social-calendar dynamics – allowing us a little more down time. It’s hard to see and keep in close contact with friends when everyone’s lives are moving in equally changing directions – which is something I need to remember when I’m craving time with my favorite grown ups!

I think my biggest reflection and take-away from this year is this: We all go through things, we all have a storm to weather on any given day – sometimes it might be a drizzle and some days it might be a hurricane – but we have to keep in mind that we are all human, only capable of so much on our own before we need to lean on our village (& our faith) – on those who can lift us up when we need it, make us smile when we don’t want to and just understand that it’s going to be okay even if we don’t know what “okay” looks like yet.

Of course I hope that the next year has a few less bumps in the road, but even if there are more bumps than we’d like, I hope that I can continue to find joy and grace (admittedly this isn’t always easy to do and sometimes it’s a bit of a delayed reaction) in all things – good, bad, scary, exciting, and everything in between.

Life changes

So much going on these days, so little time to sit and spill my guts to my computer!

First – Vivian is the sweetest little addition to our family! She is somehow going to be 6 weeks old on Saturday and that just blows my mind. I think we are finally figuring each other out and in fact, miraculously, both her and Aleesia are sleeping right now (which means they will wake up any second, right?) so I was able to eat and get some important things done (like this blog, clearly).

Second – Aleesia is going to be TWO on Sunday! Again, unbelievable. But she is seriously awesomesauce. I love toddlers!

Third – I am officially a lady of leisure for the next few weeks as I transition out of my previous job and into a new one in March. I’ll be able to work from home and there are about 10,000 other things that swayed my decision when this company came looking at me. I’m looking forward to the new adventure.

Fourth – I have heard (and said!) the saying “life happens” probably a million times. But life has really been happening around us these past 6 weeks. Here’s a recap:

• Vivian was born (12.20)
• We came home (12.21) (and Mike was able to have the week off of work!)
• Gianna, Aleesia, and I all got sick with whatever virus was going around all of Northeast Ohio (12.22)
• Christmas! (12.24/12.25)
• Everyone is feeling betterish, but Mike gets sick worse than anyone else had (12.27ish)
• Mike goes back to work for the day (12.29)
• My mom is gets sick so we changed our New Years day plans and we all went to my one sister’s house.

This is when life really happened – on the way home, my little sister and her husband (& their puppy!) got into a very bad car accident.

If you have ever been the (un)lucky person to receive a call from a person whose car just literally got slammed into and pushed into a tree, take my word for it – it will shake you to the core. I was thankful to be the one that she called because I am blessed (thanks, Mom!) with a  calm personality especially when things are not good. I was also thankful to be the one to stay on the phone with her until help arrived because it helped me to be there for her and to feel like I was “doing” something when I felt so helpful. (can someone please invent teleportation for situations like these?) It was very scary, and I have had several nightmares about it since then. The scared sounds and descriptions I heard on the other end of the phone are not something you quickly forget.

But we are so blessed to have each other – blessed first of all that they are all alive; blessed that she could remember my phone number when a witness handed her a cell phone; blessed that every single person in our family mobilized and took care of each other without so much as a breath of hesitation. They were not far from my sister’s house so her husband rushed to the scene of the accident just in time to be there as I hung up and the firemen were cutting them out of the car (and to take care of Sami, their dog). My sister had a broken foot (and a toddler at home) so she couldn’t go with him. I was unable to go to the hospital (newborn, and all) so Mike went and met them at the hospital. My stepdad was at work (he is a firefighter, ironically) but he left and got my mom.

My sister ended up with 4 broken ribs. My brother in law had a brain bleed which required him to be monitored in the ICU, but was sent home with a bad concussion and stitches in his face. Their puppy broke her little leg and has an external fixation device on after it was surgically repaired!

When I finally saw her after the accident I squeezed her so tight that I thought I might break her other ribs and finally let all of those pent up tears flow because she was okay and I COULD squeeze her! My sister’s family and mine all pitched in to stay with them, drive them around, do whatever they needed and it wasn’t even an issue or a question – that is what we do. I never take our closeness for granted, but this was a time when it just shined so strong.

Their accident was caused by a car coming the other direction going left of center. It happened in literally the blink of an eye. The tow truck driver who took away their mangled car was amazed that they were alive, THAT is how badly the car was damaged. The offending driver? No insurance, driving someone else’s car, and “doesn’t remember” going left of center – how you don’t remember literally nearly killing someone is beyond my ability to understand. This is my soapbox moment for the week – don’t text and drive, don’t drink and drive, don’t do drugs and drive, be aware of what and who is around you. I know that I have taken driving for granted on multiple occasions and not been as focused as I should be but you can bet I have become more cautious than ever after this experience.

So, in the blink of an eye our lives changed – thankfully they are all being put back together now.

Everyone in our house is finally not sick, someday Gianna will actually go to school for a full week (she has had a lot of snow days!), and we count our blessings a little more these days.

TGIFish

Short weeks always feel longer to me and having been fighting some kind of gross cold all week I was extra ready for Friday to roll around.

And then I got home from work today and the following events occurred:

• Gianna was chomping at the bit to go back outside as soon as I walked in, which seemed odd since she is usually excited to at least say hi to me when I get home.
• I noticed crayon on the screen. Which also seemed odd.
• And then I noticed a beautiful crayon drawing. on my front door. (now the previously noted odd behavior made sense)
• After the ensuing 5 year old meltdown, crayon clean up and punishment there was even MORE crying and screaming which ended in a closed door timeout. Always fun.
• I ended up starting dinner late, which didn’t make Aleesia too happy. Or left her SO HUNGRY that she ended up literally licking her plate!
• Then bath time rolled around and Aleesia does not like to sit in the bath, however she does like to lean over the edge of the tub and play in the faucet as the water warms up. Only this time she leaned a little too far and fell into the tub resulting in a giant goose egg on her forehead! She wasn’t fazed by it at all and was in fact more upset that I wouldn’t let her keep her chap stick while taking a bath.
• Once Aleesia was in bed and Gianna’s bath was finished and Mike got home, he noticed something on Gianna’s wall. Apparently she tried to hang up a poster using purple princess chap stick – you know, like a glue stick.

This all happened in a matter of approximately 2.5 hours.

Thank goodness Aleesia showed me she knows that noses go “beep” and Gianna apologized and helped with the dishes to redeem their crazy antics tonight! It’s officially a great thing it’s Friday because otherwise I would be quitting this week right about now.

Possibilities not problems

Life has a way of just sneaking up on us, you know? 

One minute things are heading in the right direction and then BAM you need new brakes on your car AND get an unexpected medical bill that puts you two steps behind where you were.

Or your whole house ends up on a constant cycle of sickness throwing your normal “routine” totally off in the midst of job changes and schedule readjustments.  Or maybe, things just stink – it’s one seemingly minor issue/problem/frustration after another with no “good problems” sprinkled in there anywhere.

It’s just all part of the ride, we all know that.  Adulthood can really stink (except that you can eat Oreos for dinner if you want too, there is nothing bad about that) and it can just be plain hard to deal with. This week I was reminded (at church) that everything that comes at us, even when we are SURE there is no good at.all that can come out of it, is a possibility.  Not a problem.

I have had my share of unplanned, unwanted possibilities in life – particularly in recent years – and especially in the past 7 months.  When I had Aleesia and was on maternity leave, the careful financial planning we had done to prepare for my leave was totally thrown out the window by something that we did not see coming – the effects of which are just now being alleviated.  Financial stress is one of the worst kind to have (health issues, notwithstanding) because obviously it affects every other facet of life.

It was a situation that was a little scary and a LOT frustrating, but I had a sense of peace about it all. I prayed about it, for that peace that I felt, and that everything would just work out.  I didn’t know HOW it was going to work out or what was going to happen – but it did.  A client unexpectedly paid in full three months early at just the time a payment was scheduled to go out.  A credit was issued at just the right time. All of these things that we had no control over just kept happening paired with a lot of hard work and things were okay.  I knew we were doing everything that we could and the rest would come and all would be well.  And it was.  The possibilities kept presenting themselves just when we needed to see them. 

Mike started a new, just okay, job in September.  And then he was almost immediately offered a different, much much better, opportunity. He was open to anything and the possibilities with his new position are unknown, in a good way.  We need some of these possibilities in our lives to be good ones – and this one is for sure.

The possibilities are everywhere in life – good, bad, scary, exciting, life changing or not – we are presented with so many things each day.  I have always been a glass-half-full type of person, it takes a LOT to get me down and I don’t ever stay there long but I still can be negative and mad and upset about situations in my life.  But when I started approaching each decision with a  “what if” attitude and looking at each challenge or problem as a possibility my whole world started to change.

What if that new position teaches me something I didn’t even know I wanted to learn?  What if eating that three musketeers bar motivates me to run 4 miles to burn it off? What if our financial situation teaches us to live more simply today to provide us with so much more than we could imagine in the future? What if talking quietly when Gianna is having a meltdown helps her calm down quicker?

I just  feel such a peace, that there is no problem that can’t be resolved, no situation that can’t be brought under control and things have just been GOOD! I feel good, I don’t stay upset about things for long, I have more patience most of the time. Of COURSE I still feel stressed and angry at times, life is such an evolving adventure right now it would be pretty hard to stay in my little peaceful bubble all the time no matter how hard I try.  (I do try to take at least one thing/situation a day and make SURE I see the positive/possibility it holds – even (and especially) on days that just plain suck)

Somehow, I have found a way to give up a little control (to Him, truly) and it has made  world of difference – I know He will lead me through whatever is at hand, even if I have no clue how we are going to make it to the other side.  And for that, I am so thankful – I am more present in my life and fully feel the blessings (big and teeny tiny) that come my way. 

I don’t mean to get all peace and love for everyone here but I just felt like it was something I needed to get off my chest. 

We've Got Spirit

It's not a real secret that Gianna was a pretty high need baby and toddler.  Or that she took the definition of threenager to another level last year.  Lately, I have been having a hard time finding the right description of her personality.

She is:

• hilarious
• sweet
• caring
• temperamental
• detail oriented
• demanding
• polite
• loving
• rough
• hard headed
• bossy
• schedule-driven
• independent
• persistent

She is the complete opposite of "easy-going" or "laid-back".  She is in fact, very particular, very detail oriented.  She takes her time on things that matter to her.

There is not any one task that I would say is "easy" or "simple". Of course, there are TIMES when things go smoother, or she is more cooperative/understanding/willing, but that's not the case the majority of the time.

We spend a lot of time on transitions throughout the day: "Gianna, you have X minutes until it's time to get ready for school"...."Gianna your lunch will be ready in X minutes"... "When the next commercial comes on your show, it's time for a bath"... you get the idea.  We can't just say "time for a bath" and expect that bath to go down without a fight.  It's always been this way, so it's sort of second nature to us now to give that warning to her. 

All of these things I have typically just chalked up to her age.  We try to manage our expectations of her.  But so often we are met with a wall of resistance, a lot of "NO!", etc.  We are also often met with a lot of "Hey, Mommy/Daddy... I love you" which will make you forget about that last battle of the wills in 0.5 seconds flat.

Her attitude and general demeanour got really defiant and somewhat aggressive right before Aleesia was born and about a month after she was here - which made perfect sense.  Gianna's world just literally got turned upside down - A) we couldn't tell her when Sister was coming.  She would ask multiple times a day and she never understood why we didn't know. She still talks about how she wasn't allowed to come to the hospital to meet sissy no less than once a week. (this clearly had a really big impact on her) and B) Once she realized that Aleesia wasn't leaving and that all the time she used to have exclusively with me and Mike now had to be allocated and shared with a screaming baby - that was SO NOT COOL. 

The past few weeks (it feels like weeks, anyway) have been particularly hard. There are epic meltdowns over EV.ER.Y.THING  - what shoes to wear, what toothpaste to use, where that one hair on her head landed, which couch cushion she wants to sit on, if she got two tissues instead of one and clothes are an entirely different VERY LARGE battle (we let her pick out her own clothes and there are STILL tantrums that would make seasoned grandmothers run out of the house).  This is not an exaggeration in any way - she will scream, cry, kick, yell, screech, whimper, etc. for 20, 30, 40 or more minutes.  And literally, she can't be calmed down.  She will even say "I can't calm down" between sobs.  As maddening as it is - it is that much more heartbreaking.  She works herself up to this level that she can't easily come down from or tell us what even started the meltdown in the first place.

Mike and I are feeling very much like we should not or cannot parent her lately.  It's pretty tough, actually.  When I have to leave for work and she is screaming and carrying on so loudly that all of our neighbors probably think someone is plucking her finger nails off one by one because the shirt she picked out is "too big on my shoulders".  It makes for a lot of tears from me too. 

I am generally a very calm person - I don't get mad or yell often. I can handle a lot of nonsense before I just can't anymore.  However the level of  patience and understanding that I have for these epically giant meltdowns that occur, on average one to four times A DAY is quickly diminishing.   We have tried several methods of "charting" her behavior most of which she loses interest in before I am done telling her what the deal is.  Right now she has 4 behaviors each day that we mark with a face (smile, sad, angry, etc.) - if she has more happy faces that anything else she gets a prize (this week is pumpkin window clings!).  She seems to like and respond to this one pretty well so far, but it's not been a full week yet....

We have a few moments/days of perfection, of course.  In fact, today she is having one of the best days she has had in a really long time and she is getting a LOT of praise (and so far, 2 smiley faces) for that.  And generally, if she is having one:one time with anyone, she is amazingly awesome and well behaved.  I don't know anyone else who has a child with such...spirit....so it makes it hard to relate and I am sure pretty much anyone who has not seen one of her meltdowns in person would think I over exaggerate.  I have been scouring the Internet for information - ideas on how to parent her better and more effectively, etc. 

To which I have learned that she fits the bill of a "spirited child" almost 100%:

INTENSITY (loud and dramatic-focused outward, quiet and intently observant - focused inward),

PERSISTENCE ("lock in" to important ideas, love to debate, goal oriented),

SENSITIVITY (easily overstimulated by their environment, low sensory thresholds to any of the five senses),

PERCEPTIVENESS (easily distracted, notice everything going on all the time),

ADAPTIBILITY (don't transition/shift from one activity to another easily),
"bonus" characteristics
REGULARITY (natural schedules for eating or sleeping),

ENERGY (physically active, busy exploring all the time),

FIRST REACTION (quick with drawl when first encountering anything new), and

MOOD (as in moody)


You can probably pick out how each of these fit her personality just from this post - but especially if you know her in real life or have read this blog for any period of time.  I might, for my own sake, take some time to explore each of these further in a separate post, but not today.

When she was a baby someone recommended the book "Raising Your Spirited Child" to me and I never read it.  And it turns out that I need to stop at the store tonight to pick that book up because we NEED IT.  I also ran across a blog post that I NEEDED to read today.  It rang so true to me and it made me feel better. 

This part, specifically, hit me like a ton of bricks - especially the underlined part:

"More than anything, our son wants to feel like he matters. He might only be four and some change, but he feels as if his opinion is just as important as the rest. Yes, occasionally being his mom is like caring for someone with a drinking problem (slurring, falling down, tantrums, moments of love and incoherence). Yes, occasionally he freaks out for no apparent reason. But he’s almost always upset about things that matter to him, things we take for granted. The more responsibility we’ve given him, the more praise he gets for his accomplishments,"

I know Gianna doesn't freak out to get back at us, or to make us mad.  She is having a VERY hard time articulating exactly what the problem is but sometimes, when she can tell me, it's something so simple or something that I would brush off as "nothing" that clearly was NOT "nothing" to her.  We need to focus on those things that matter to her - even  (and especially) if we don't understand why.

It's no secret that this girl is spirited - we all just need to keep learning the best ways to encourage and engage her so that we help her to grow. Life isn't going to get any easier for her if we don't help her understand how to effectively articulate her opinion.  I can appreciate that throwing yourself on the floor screaming "I don't want to deal with you" does seem like an appropriate solution sometimes, but it's not practical.  One thing that does give me comfort is that she always says "I'm sorry, I love you" when it's all over.  And I always tell her that I love her more.  She's always extra sweet after a meltdown blows over.

There is so much more we need to learn and understand about each other as she grows.  And we are heading into another time of transition for our family (more on this soon) so I'm buckling in tight over the next few weeks because I think it's going to get bumpier.  But if you have any advice, I'd love to hear it.

and if you read this and have felt as alone as I have trying to parent a child who tests all.the.limits.all.the.time - you ARE NOT alone.

Managing Expectations

I have felt like I pretty much spend each day running around like a chicken with its head cut off since approximately January 31st of this year.

Tiny babies have a way of throwing your regularly scheduled life/routine/sanity out the window as fast as they make their debut into the world.  And our newest tiny baby is no exception to that rule.  Add in a handful of mild medical drama to the mix and this train nearly de-railed itself.

I am a schedule person. I LOVE a good routine.  I love even more than that a good list. On paper. That I can physically cross things off on.  We had a good little routine for ourselves over here prior to our littlest peanut joining us on the outside.  I KNEW that was all going to change, but I really, honest to goodness, was not prepared with the MAGNITUDE of the change. 

Things were not clean.  Dishes not done.  Lucky if the laundry was washed AND dried in the same day, forget about having it folded and put away. Extra lucky if everyone ate 3 meals a day that did not consist of pop-tarts and frozen waffles (with peanut butter!). But then I figured that all out – things started to even out despite the crying baby who didn’t sleep all day.

Then! I went back to work. Again, wrench – thrown across the room.  The schedule we had, was gone.  Life was back to chaos and almost 3 months later, it is only mildly better.  The baby cries (a little bit) less, smiles (a lot) more and sleeps (mostly) better.  The preschooler is well, a stubborn italian girl who makes us laugh, but is also super helpful when she wants to be. But they each have their schedules and NEED to be in bed by certain time to avoid horrific meltdowns – so we work around them and then comes the rest!

But the cause of the chaos is probably more mental than anything else – I have a really hard time managing my own expectations.  I expect that I will be able to: sleep all night, clean a little before work in the morning, work all day, have dinner, clean up after dinner, clean up the girls after dinner, get the girls to bed, work out, clean whatever is dirty, clean myself, do laundry, take care of LIFE (bills/plans/blog/etc.) and still see my husband. 

I also apparently expect that each day is no shorter than 28 hours because guess what – all of those things? They do not happen each day! They can’t.  And I need to be better at just dealing with that. 

My house? It is in desperate need of a deep-cleaning, but I need to accept that picking up the toys, sweeping the floor and if I instill help from my favorite 4 year old helper, dusting – is all that there is time for.  The laundry? Is forever in progress and I just need to be able to remember which basket has clean clothes in it. The dishes? Are usually done (I can’t go to bed with dishes in the sink, I just can’t do it!) but some nights the WHOLE kitchen isn’t perfectly clean. I can’t work out every night – there just isn’t enough time, so 3x a week has to be enough for now.

There is so much more that goes along with this idea of managing my expectations – the idea that not everyone does everything just like I do.  Mike might not load the dishwasher like I do, but he still does it and it needs to just be good enough.  I need to be okay with giving up time to do household things to just hang out with the people who created the beautiful mess I live in – some days, I have to really focus on that and just let the rest go! 

probably the thing I need to keep in my brain at all times that I think will help with this whole management deal – is that this is MY Life, not anyone else’s – so good for you if your house is always spotless, or if you can work out 3x a day, or if your kid takes awesome naps so you can be crafty or whatever – sometimes the internet has a way of creating these crazy thoughts in our heads that we have to do XYZ to be cool.   I KNOW that isn’t true – if the 4 people who live under this roof are happy, the rest doesn’t really matter in the end – and I KNOW that in my head.  But I have a really hard time letting go/changing what I expect to accomplish in a day/week/month/year etc. – it’s getting easier as I get more comfortable giving up that unnecessary expectations I tend to create for myself – but still a daily challenge!  Right now actually, I am working on just being able to cut myself some slack if everything isn’t done every night – some nights are easier than others (usually when I am extra tired!) but I am working on it so that counts for something, right?

Who needs cheese anyway

Like most people, I SWORE I had parenting all figured out before I actually, you know, was a parent.

My family gives me crap all.the.time because I swore I would never do approximately 98% of the things that I do regarding parenting my kids. (I still find it really strange to type kidS!) 

One of the things I could never understand was how or why anyone would EVER want to give up dairy to continue breastfeeding.  Formula is fine, why put yourself through that nonsense especially when breastfeeding can be hard enough.  Ice Cream, Cheese, all amazing foods in my book.  And let’s be serious, what good is an oreo without milk?  (remember I had a baby with MSPI and reflux once who survived just fine on Alimentum and Prevacid!)

And then, I had another baby who I decided to breastfeed.  Who appears to have a big issue with dairy (and soy, I think).  Not a huge surprise since her sister did too – but here I am shoving my foot in my mouth again.  Because I gave up dairy last week. Without even really thinking twice about it because my baby is hurting and I would do anything to make sure she is happy.  And, while I don’t LOVE breastfeeding – I do enjoy it enough not to quit it just because I can’t have a milkshake.

Aleesia is less gassy (that girl had some horrendous smelling gas!) and her skin is much less red and blotchy.  She still has a lot of reflux that quite obviously makes her uncomfortable but it is slightly improved from what it was this time last week. 

I did cut out dairy totally but have still been eating some soy (in stuff, like soy milk in my coffee at Starbucks) and I think that the soy has to go also.  Which is a lot harder than just dairy, but that’s okay.

It is not easy.  And I never really paid any attention to food labels/ingredient lists.  But it is enough to make your head spin – and your stomach churn a little – when you look at the list on something you think should be so simple and there are about a million things on there that you can’t even pronounce.  I already don’t eat “enough” so not being able to calorie-load on ice cream or greek yogurt is crappy but I am finding some (not necessarily as satisfying) other high-calorie non-dairy alternatives.  And I really like almond milk, so that’s an easy switch!   There are also so many great resources out there of what is good/not good to buy and good recipes (that I haven’t yet tried).  I think the change in diet, while maybe or maybe not forever, will be a good one and hopefully will help “clean up” some of the junk we tend to eat out of convenience. 

The hardest part is just waiting to see a change.  and not comparing this experience to the one we had with Gianna.  I have been considering putting her on a probiotic as well, there is a lot of information out there that supports their use in babies.

While I am morning the loss of ice cream and greek yogurt and cheese – I am just keeping my fingers crossed that we are on our way to a happy baby.  and add another thing on to the “I had no clue what the hell I was talking about when I said that” list.

Walgreens Way to Well Health Tour #waytowell

As a public health geek professional, or whatever you want to call it, I am always interested in local initiatives and opportunities. Especially things that are easy, free, and available to everyone.

I found out about the Walgreens Way to Well Health Tour through AARP, a community outreach program going on in the Cleveland area 7.12 through 7.30.

The Way to Well Health Tour will be providing free health tests, educational materials and consultations to anyone who wants to walk in the door.  The main focus is on prevention and early detection of the leading diseases of today: heart disease, diabetes and cancer.

Heart disease is the number one killer of women, and something we should all take very seriously.  Diabetes is obviously a growing issue, overall, and something that is easily detected and treated.  Cancer, well, cancer sucks and whatever we can do to educate/protect/manage our health and our risk factors along with regular, preventative care, can help us all mitigate the Scary that comes with cancer.

Free health tests (valued at over $100) that will be provided include:

• Cholesterol
• Glucose
• Blood Pressure
• Body Mass Index
• Body Composition
• Skeletal Muscle
• Resting Metabolism
• Visceral Fat
• Real Body Age

The process will take about 20  minutes to complete and anyone 18 and older is encouraged to visit the tour – no appointment or insurance is necessary.  So stop in, pick up some popsicles & sunscreen and participate in the Way to Well tour.

you will get to talk to someone really happy and nice, like the girl in this picture!

Interested in the Way to Well campaign but can't make it out to visit the tour? You can still contribute to this community outreach campaign by purchasing Walgreens brand health and wellness products!  1¢ from the purchase of each product, up to $3 million annually, will support bringing preventative wellness services to local communities, like Cleveland, through the Walgreens Way to Well Fund®.

If you have never used Walgreens brand products, you are missing out.  They are comparable to the name brand products in quality, but not price, which is the best part!  And now that you know a portion of each product is going to support the Way to Well Fund, what better motivation to try them out?

Take a look, find out where the Way to Well tour can be found near your neck of the woods, and stop in this week.  You won’t be sorry you did.

 

**I was compensated for this post.  All opinions expressed here are my own.**

Infertility Island

Have you ever experienced something that you can’t explain to someone despite your best effort?

Or something that anyone who hasn’t experienced it first hand can not possibly begin to understand?

That would be what infertility feels like.

And it makes you feel like, as a good friend described, like you’re on an island.  Not quite a deserted island, but an island with people who understand EXACTLY what you are going through.

Infertility Island.

It’s a place no one wants to visit, but the people that are on the island, at least in my experience, are some of the nicest women I have ever met.

Everyone on the island has a different experience (naturally) – some are childless, some like me – are suffering from secondary infertility, there are stories of adoption, treatments and everything in between. But the common thread on the island is the desire to build a family, and the inability to do so easily.

Infertility Island is full of the strongest women you have ever met.  There is no room for the weak stuff here – it’s all about the Survivor Mentality.  We are all fighting the same battle in our own way.  It’s nice to have people to talk to who know how you feel, what you mean and can offer the support that often times, no one else can.

And I swear, there is a section of the island just for husbands – where they can wait until we need their support. 

Because, at least in my experience, husbands don’t always quite “get it” – which is okay, considering as all of the STUFF isn’t happening to their body.  They don’t take the medicine, get the pleasure of the ultrasound wand, feel the pain or the heartache that comes approximately every 28 days to the same degree.  But they are there when we need them, on stand by, if you will  - to provide a shoulder for tears, arms for hugs, lips for supportive words (and kisses) and even when they don’t understand it all – ears for listening.  I don’t think (my) husband always knows how much it means to me when he just listens to me and lets me use his shoulder – I’m pretty strong but sometimes, I just need that extra support to keep me upright.

I don’t think anyone truly ever leaves and certainly never forgets what it was like to live on Infertility Island.  There are all kinds of bridges built to take us on and off the island, but I really just don’t think it’s a place we ever truly leave behind once we have been there.  It is an experience that shapes us, builds appreciation for what we have (or will have) in our lives, adds character and connects us to other women who will remain in our hearts forever. 

Infertility Island can be one SCARY place – a place of unknowns, confusion, infinite levels of frustration and sadness – but it can also be a place of strength, hope and love.

I hope with all my being that the population on Infertility Island stays at a minimum, but if you have to cross that bridge and visit – know you aren’t alone and that there are people here that will support you and hope for you when you don’t have the energy to do it yourself.

If you find yourself in this place – there are some excellent resources to check out – Bloggers For Hope - an outreach of Chance to Hope – a foundation built to offer financial help and resources to give couples a chance to build the family they hope for.  There is also Resolve – the national infertility association.

Friday Night Leftovers: The end of 2011 Edition

• As usual, I am late on the leftovers and thankful Danifred is such a forgiving host.
• It has been a pretty great week to end 2011 – I only worked 2 days, got to see a lot of my favorite friends, celebrated the 1st birthday of one amazing girl, and celebrated the 30th birthday of a great friend.
• I got to spend lots of time with G too, which I so desperately needed.
• And one on one time with my husband, again, desperately needed.
• Mike got a Kinect for christmas, that Just Dance game is NO JOKE! It is pretty fun too.  Gianna thinks it’s awesome, too.  We might just have to buy it!
• I will be celebrating the end of 2011 with my favorite blue eyed cutie while Mike is working – hopefully I stay awake until the ball drops!
• Our house is de-christmas-afied. And I feel so much better. 
• Now to tackle the rest of the clutter. I got the bathroom closet under control so far, baby steps, right?
• Someone asked how you would describe 2011 in one word – for me, it’s rebuilding.  A lot of things were finished/started this year. How about you?
• What is one goal you have for 2012?  I have a few, but the biggest one is to stick to our budget so we can save/pay off a few things faster.  I’m thinking Dave Ramsey style.  What is one goal you have for this year?
• I also want to be better at blogging – I have been sucking at balancing being a wife/mom/full time employee/small business owner/friend etc.  so I guess I hope to get that balance figured out, finally.
• Overall, 2011 hasn’t been as crappy for me as it has been for a lot of my friends, but has had it’s moments, for sure.  Here’s to a 2012 filled with growth, happiness, love and laughs for everyone.

It’s Just a Gate

At church a few weeks ago a guest pastor was preaching and the whole background of his sermon was that life is full of gates.  Gates open and close.

Every challenge we face? It’s just a gate.

Sometimes the gate feels like it is 20 feet high and being held shut by the forces of 3000 men, but it is still JUST a gate.  It has to open.  The challenge or obstacle or whatever it is WILL end.

Unemployment? It was just a gate allowing me to finish my Masters with honors, spend much needed time with my daughter and that gate opened up to a really great job opportunity.

Financial struggles? They are just a gate into what we REALLY need in our lives.  Turns out it’s not much. 

Car trouble? Just a gate that stays shut long enough so I would slow down for a week.

Trouble conceiving? I know it is just a gate. And I know when it opens, the struggle will have been worth it. I HAVE to know that. I also HAVE to know that as much as I push, He will open it for me.  It’s pretty much the hardest thing for me to remember and believe, but I know it’s a pretty important thing. And the gate will open….  It WILL.

People coming in to and out of our lives? Gates to memories and experiences and lessons.

Everyone has their own gates to go through, to lean against, to push back on.  And they are always changing.  I sometimes just need to keep it all in perspective – while right now having trouble conceiving is my biggest source of stress and frustration – I know it’s not in my control and for once in a very, very, really super long time – this is the only big bad gate in my life. 

He has opened up everything else and poured so much happiness and success in to my life the past 4 months that sometimes I just have to sit back and remember where I was last year.  So many of those struggles are behind us and a new one is in our lives.

And I look at her face every day

and know that if He opened that gate to us once, surely He will do it again.  And I pray and hope for that every day.

The Difference

I am taking a break from the vacation posts I have yet to write because something is on my mind.

A dear friend of mine pointed out in an email while I was gone that this time last year, I was in a very different place. I had just lost my job and was getting started with Premier. And I had no idea what was going to happen next in my life.

It’s pretty crazy how fast and how slow things can change at the same time.

Losing my job only allowed me to gain so much more in my life. It really was no lose at all.

It allowed me to have time as a stay at home mom, to start a business that has been a bigger blessing in my life than I ever could have imagined, to finish my masters degree and eventually to find a job that has been a pretty big blessing in itself.

There’s a reason I take the glass half full approach to life – because without that outlook – I would never have been able to see the good things – the GREAT things going on around me.

Crazy to think how different things are today then they were a year ago. Crazy and amazing and wonderful.

A year isn’t all that long in the grand scheme of things, but it’s been a pretty good year despite all the challenges.  It wouldn’t have been nearly as good with out all of the support I have in my life, so thanks for hanging in there with me.

Picking your brain

I need some advice on a few things from my favorite internet comrades.

First topic: Blog

I mostly blog for myself, but sometimes I feel like I should blog about SOMETHING. With a little bit of myself thrown in there. Thoughts on that? Do you prefer reading about peoples everyday nonsense? Seeing pictures? Knowing that if you read blog ABC it will actually be about a THING in most cases? I can’t decide. 

I know what annoys me when reading blogs (too many pictures, too many MYBABYISSOCUTEANDSMARTERTHANYOUTOO posts, colored fonts, constant reviews of stuff I can’t win etc) and I know what I like (pictures that go with words sometimes, updates & actual thoughts)

But what about you? What is most annoying? What is most enjoyed?

Second topic: Shoes

We are going on a big vacation in October that will involve lots of walking. I need to get new shoes, that are NOT tennis shoes. I have narrowish feet with small bunions. Recommendations? I normally don’t wear socks, so shoes that look cute without socks and can be worn with jeans or skirts/dresses would be STELLAR!

Third topic: 3 row vehicles

One of the blessings that will come along with my new job is the ability to purchase a new (okay, new to us because we are so NOT buying new) car sooner than we expected. I would ideally like a vehicle with 3 rows – and am opening my narrow little mind to the idea of a van (I can’t believe I just typed that). I DESPISE car shopping, know NOTHING on the topic and need LOTS of hand holding and real life recommendations. So give it to me straight.  Also since I am planning WAY ahead with this purchase, if you have a vehicle with only 2 rows that fits more than 2 car seats COMFORTABLY I would love to hear about it. (greater than 25mpg would be a huge bonus!)

and since I am totally needy right now –

Fourth topic: Lunch

I need some good ideas for work lunches. If it doesn’t involve mayonnaise or a salad that is any thing other than lettuce or pasta based, I will probably like it! Also good ideas of breakfast on the go? My commute is about 40 minutes, and while I am not a “breakfast” person, it would be good to be able to eat something on my way.

I know I can count on you, friends – don’t let me down!

Responsible

Do you ever find being responsible, or responsibility in general, to be overrated?

That is how I feel at the moment. I have a lot of decisions to make that require me to be responsible.

Little daily responsibilities like making sure Gianna is offered something other than waffles to eat (knowing damn well she won’t eat anything else) and gets dressed (potty training days not included) properly.

Bigger daily responsibilities like feeding myself something other than coffee, making sure bills are paid, laundry is washed, dishes are put away and the house is not filthy.

Life responsibilities like deciding on health insurance, what car to get, what kind of furniture to buy, making smart financial decisions when the unsmart ones sound so much better.

But it is much more fun to let Gianna eat waffles all day (no arguments!), wear something completely inappropriate (like pj’s and a tinkerbelle outfit to play in the water table) and watch her smile all day. Or to really just drink coffee all day and read a book outside instead of doing the laundry – much more enjoyable day in my opinion.

But my favorite fantasy at the moment? Wishing that someone, even for just one day, would make all of the difficult decisions go away – or at least replace at least one of the equally crappy available options with something a little more acceptable.

Today was a day of waffles, coffee, crazy outfits & outside fun with a splash of ignoring pretty much everything else on my list of things to do/think about/decide on.

I’ll be responsible tomorrow.

{Unless of course you want to responsible for me}

untitled

Generally, I am the happy one. The one who smiles at everything, laughs a lot and finds the silver lining. The one who remembers small things (and big things), worries, hopes & prays FOR others close to me. The hard worker, eternal optimist and planner.

My philosophy is that you don’t get anywhere without hard work, so there’s no point in complaining about it. Life is full of ups and downs so might as well make the best of it. Besides, being all grumpy and down in the dumps isn’t going to get me anywhere.

And then there are times that I don’t WANT to be any of things. I want to be upset, frustrated and just angry about things.

Now, is one of those times.

I don’t know if it’s the fact that the engine in my car is broken and we weren’t prepared for such an expense. Or the fact that putting an engine in said car is not at all financially smart but neither is buying another car. Or maybe it’s because every time I feel like things are okay – something shitty happens (car again).

That I often feel like I HAVE to be the one to give up things, to come up with a plan, to handle it all. (I know that’s not necessarily true).

Maybe it’s because things are just generally stressful right now – a lot is going on and not going on at the same time. I have had a hard time keeping my cool with my spunky two year old the past couple days and I HATE that. Which makes me even more nervous about our decision to TTC. I feel very unsettled with where I am in life – I need to just get over it and accept it.

Part of it could be that I don’t think I should feel the way I do. People close to me are dealing with BIG things – such as children fighting to survive – making me feel ridiculous for being upset over the problems and frustrations in my life.

I just want my family (and my friends!) to catch a break. Or a little extra strength so I can deal with the problems at hand. Or a large box of kleenex and a large bottle of wine.

Things will be okay, some day. But for this day? I just need to cry a little.

Thinking Things Through

I have been “unemployed” since October – using that term lightly since I sell Premier Designs Jewelry, freelance write and teach & have been doing 2/3 since October. Putting those three incomes together I make well over what I was brining home from my full-time position, in a LOT less hours.

And I get to stay home with this spunky girl.

Watching her grow, teaching her things and really ENJOYing her & enjoying being her mom. I have always LOVED her, but when I saw her for only about an hour a day – the most stressful hour of her day (dinner/bath), after my own stressful day at work – typically there wasn’t much fun or enjoyment to be had.

Since October and really since graduating last month, I have turned up the job-searching to find a full-time position, because, that stable income and better health insurance would take a lot of [financial] stress of both Mike and I.

I had an interview last week for an 8-5/M-F position, it went well (haven’t heard back yet) and sounds like it would be a good opportunity. My biggest hang up? It’d be at least an hour drive each way & I haven’t worked 5 days a week since BEFORE I had Gianna (compressed work week was the best thing about my old job) and I don’t know that I want to make that commitment again if it’s not the exact right place to be. There’s no way to know, of course, if it would be the exact right place to be unless I got the job.

Working M-F comes with it’s own stresses though – daycare costs, missing time with Gianna/family, going back to that unbalanced feeling I had before.

I don’t know what is right (or even really what I WANT!), clearly I will do whatever I NEED to do for my family, regardless. I have been in such a state of “what’s next?” that it’s starting to blur the lines in mind of what I want, need and what a good option is for everyone.

My belief is that family comes first, work comes second – praying that I can stay true to that….

not-so-extreme couponing

Since about the 1st of the year I have been making a really big push to do my part in helping us save money.

I kept hearing all this hype about how people save hundred’s of dollars at the store by using coupons and to be honest, I thought it was a bunch of crap.  How in the world is that even possible?

So I tried it. And failed miserably at first.  The reason for my failure? I was so overwhelmed and disorganized that it wasn’t working.

I decided to regroup and get a newspaper subscription.

Then I did a little bit of research and found out that there are a LOT of people in the blog world who matchup coupons with what is on sale at pretty much every store you can imagine.  They take all of the stress out of the whole thing, they even link to printable coupons.

All I do is cut the coupons and look at the matchup’s after I make our menu for 2 weeks. I do take in to consideration catelina deals that offer coupons for cash back when you buy certain products, our local grocery store does these a lot.

I take out only the coupons I am going to be using and paperclip them together with my list.  I do take my little coupon holder with me, just in case, but I normally don’t deviate from my list. (helps me stay on budget and not buy Oreos)

I am that girl that will split up her transaction to get the most savings, so if I buy some toothpaste and earn $3 back, I buy that first and apply the $3 to my next transaction.  If I don’t do that, I forget about the cash back and it expires.

Typically I save what I spend, which is between $50 and $70 every two weeks on groceries.  Drugstore couponing is a whollleeee different ballgame, but I do the best at CVS – I usually walk out of there paying only tax (or slightly more) with cash back. It’s pretty freaking awesome.

My secret though is to only buy what I need, will use, and what I have room for. Just because something is free doesn’t mean I need to get it – especially because we do not have the space to store 1,000 tubes of toothpaste or 50 boxes of cereal.  I do have enough body wash, razors, toothpaste and toothbrushes to last us a good while – all of the extras I get I donate to a missions trip my sister is going on.

If you “coupon” (so weird that people use that as a verb these days), what are your secrets? Favorite sites? Organization tips?

I have heard, many times, that people don’t think it is worth it – and I didn’t ever think it was either until I HAD to start cutting back. To me, it is worth the hour a week I spend preparing. I equate it making about $50 an hour, since that is how much I am saving each time I shop. Hoping to get better and more efficient at it, but I feel like this is a good start!

Friday Night Leftovers

• Another Friday where I am thankful for Danifred and the leftovers. Lots of random going on in my head lately.
• Today I set up a timeline to complete my thesis. I will be presenting it on April 27th. Holy shit batman, it is going to be a crazy ride.
• I am glad, however, to have everything on the calendar. Deadlines set. Etc. Etc. It honestly makes my head hurt a little less knowing what is coming next.
• Disney “sin-aaaa-longs'” have taken over. Cute, but not. At least she dances to them.
• Speaking of dancing, we are going to do a dance party “theme” for her birthday! Need to figure out what that means exactly aside from there being music and balloons.
• Some sort of sickness has been going through our house, G and I are both sick enough to be slightly miserable yet still functional. I would prefer one extreme or the other.
• I have really enjoyed reading your comments from yesterdays post. Keep ‘um coming.
• This weekend going into next week is going to be crazy. But I am ready for it.
• I must start our taxes soon. They are going to be a bitch do do this year and I should really stop putting it off.
• I know I promised there was exciting news and such coming the other day – it is probably only exciting to me, but I am building my own little team of jewelry lady’s and it is very fun! That’s all. Not hit the lottery exciting, but a small step.
• The freelance company I work for has had shit to write. It sort of pisses me off, but not, because I have enough work (although non-paying work) to keep me busy at the moment. But still, frustrating.
• My shoe rack, the one that holds over 50 pairs of shoes, broke today. Not sure what I am going to do (besides buy a new shoe rack that is more durable) about it, but Gianna is in HEAVEN. HEAVEN I tell you – the way her face lit up when she saw all of those shoes on the floor you would have thought Cinderella herself was standing in front her her. She spent a good 15 minutes (until I drug her upstairs) trying on different shoes saying “ta da”. Hilarious for sure.
• Please keep my friend JJ (and her hubs Mook!) in your thoughts – their little man, O, is in the hospital with RSV and a bacterial blood infection. All thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
• I am going to be drinking some wine tonight, I hear it helps sore throats. Or at least lets you forget you have a sore throat….

2011 - pay it forward

Happy Twentyeleven, y'all!

We were really rowdy up in this house last night - I had one drink, watched some stupid TV (including Ke$ha make an ass out of herself),  had sex spent some time with Mike and fell asleep promptly at 11:45pm.....
WOW am i lame getting old....

ANYWHO!

I hope everyone had a great New Years Eve/Day - stayed safe, had fun, actually got to see the ball drop - etc.

I don't really "resolve" to do anything, because, well, I forget what they are by like January 11th.
But my GOAL for this year, is to pay it forward more.
You know, open doors for people, DO more for people because I want to, because I see a need that needs filled, to put a smile where there might not otherwise be one.

I told you all about Jen the other day and her beautiful twin girls.  Some of you have asked how you can help, if there is anything you can do.
There IS something you can do - we (a group of Jen's local friends) have set up a memorial fund to cover hospital/memorial/whatever they need expenses.
We are accepting paypal donations, use the following email address: Knepperfamilydonations@gmail.com.
If you have any questions or prefer to mail in a donation, please email the above address and we will get your questions answered and information to you.
Please feel free to share this information with anyone, everyone.  This very special family can use all the love and support possible right now.