Pump Pump (again)

Tomorrow is my first “official” official day back to work. Every day of the week.  Which, whatever, it’s fine – I actually like working and OMGAH we need to figure out a routine around this place.  I am going to miss the hell out of my kids (and my husband, for that matter) – but it’s part of life and I get to drink my coffee & eat my lunch in peace five days a week so it’s not all bad.

The past few weeks where I have only been working 2-3 days I haven’t been pumping what the baby has been eating.  But I had a decent freezer stash.  Or not. Because it is pretty much non-existent anymore – which happens when you take one bag out a day and don’t put anymore in.  We have had to supplement some with formula when I am gone but are obviously hoping to make that an occasional thing, not a rule.

Again, we still need to work on our routine during the day.  But I feed her before I leave for work and I try to feed her when I get home – but sometimes she can’t wait until 6 so I just pump and then feed her before bedtime.  So far it has worked out the best to pump twice at work, three times if I can squeeze it in, 15 minutes per session. I have my reminders set in my calendar so I don’t get scheduled for any meetings, etc. I realize that isn’t always when she eats, but it’s the best I can do at the moment. Before bed is always the easiest option – or it would be if I wasn't so freaking tired! But I am also throwing around the idea of pumping on my way to (or even from) work since I have a long commute.

It has also been a bit of a challenge to figure out exactly how much she needs during the day.  I have tried to do weighted feeds with her to see what she gets while she eats as a baseline.  Sometimes it appears she gets 2-3 ounces, sometimes it appears she gets 1/2 an ounce.  She nurses for a LONG time (25-40 min a side, thankfully she only eats on one side at a time!) and just likes to take her time.  Apparently she also enjoys pounding down her bottles since it is super easy for her. I am constantly hearing “well, she pounded down that X ounces and probably was still hungry” – I am loosely throwing around the idea of switching her to an even slower flow nipple.   Regardless of how long it takes, or doesn’t take, her to eat – she still takes more than I pump in a day so I know that I (begrudgingly) need to work to squeeze in an extra pumping session somewhere.

I am looking for any other tips on helping increase production!  I recently started massaging while pumping, and that has helped a little bit with production as well as leaning forward a little bit so I can use gravity to my advantage.  I also recently got pumpin’ pals flanges which are SO SO SO much more comfortable!  I haven’t used them enough to notice a huge difference in production, but I am hopeful.  I do have a hands free bra thing so that helps too.

I am also looking for any other tips related to efficiency when pumping!  I always feel like it is such a process to set up (even though I do leave my pump set up all day) and clean up.  I have some medela steam sanitizer bags which are really nice.   I think it is always just going to be a bit of a process, by nature, but any tips anyone has I’ll take! 

And lastly, and this is going to sound totally ridiculous – how do you dress for pumping? I am a dress person, which is obviously not the easiest thing to maneuver when you have to hook your boobs up to a machine several times a day and don’t necessarily want to get undressed each time!  Clearly shirts/pants/skirts are the easiest bet and I almost always wear a nursing tank.  Any awesome wardrobe tricks that make pumping (and direct breastfeeding, for that matter) less of a clothing challenge? 

There have been so many challenges to this breastfeeding journey in the barely three months of Aleesia’s life between her MSPI, lip/tongue ties, her being sick, my low output, a million blocked ducts (and now a milk blister. fun.) but I can’t quit it – and really, I haven’t even thought about quitting to this point.  It helps that there is so much support available though, so thank you for supporting me and entertaining my questions and neurosis.

It’s just an outline

Mike and I have been taking Bradley classes. This was 100% my decision and something that I really really wanted to do.  He, admittedly, went along for the ride even if he really didn’t know what I was thinking.

And I appreciate that. A lot. Because sometimes it’s nice to know your husband will go along with what you want even if he doesn’t “get” it.

He is generally pretty open during our class discussions and our discussions at home in that he listens and sometimes shares his opinion on things. We are at the point now where we need to be actually thinking about what our plan is going to be – what are we/am I comfortable with before, during and after this girl is born.

And here is where I am struggling and we are failing to communicate effectively with each other.  I am a planner, because I know this is shocking news.  I want to feel a little bit in control at all times, and while I know that is pretty much nonsense when it comes to childbirth – having at least an outline of what I want to happen and how I want to handle situations that may or may not come up will just make me feel better.  I don’t even want to call it a birth plan, I like to think of it as just an outline – a place to start and a place to reference throughout the process.

Our birth experience with Gianna was more of what I would call a party experience – there were a lot of family and friends around both in the room with me while I labored and in the waiting room.  and that is exactly what I wanted at that time.  I would not change that part of her labor/delivery story for anything.  There are some aspects though, looking back on it, that I didn’t like and that I do not want to repeat. (hence choosing the Bradley method this time, for one!).  But I didn’t have a plan, I didn’t take any classes or read any books.  I didn’t want to – I knew that I would figure it all out when I needed to. And I did, and it was fine, and a little girl with lots of hair came out in the end and she was showered with love from the very minute she came to the outside world.  But what I missed, and recognized missing from the very beginning, is a chance to just BE with her right after she was born.  Because they literally laid her on me when she came out, and minutes later took her away to be weighed etc. Daddy saw her, I fed her eventually and then the aunts, grandmas and everyone else who was waiting passed her around and I got her back just in time to go to our room.  It all felt very rushed at the time, but I didn’t know any different, but I know that looking back on it, even later that day, I didn’t really like how it all played out. but it was over, and you know – moving on!

I want this birth experience to be more of what I would call an intimate gathering.  Primarily because I just don’t know what to expect with a natural birth and I really don’t want to be distracted from the whole experience.  I want to really be “in the moment” if you will – something that last time, I purposely was distracting myself from because I was scared!  And in my mind, this experience includes after the baby comes out.  I want to experience those first minutes/hours with her & her daddy – without interruption, without passing her around to 15 other people and worrying if so and so is still in the waiting room or if somebody didn’t get to see her yet. Or if someone's feelings are going to be hurt because they haven’t seen her yet.  I want to let the masses in to see our girl when we are ready (or, I am ready, because this is the part that Mike and I are not agreeing on right now) but absolutely not until her big sister gets to meet her first.  I want her to be showered with that same love that Gianna had – I just want to wait for the showering to begin until I am ready for it, so I can enjoy it too and not be frustrated with the process.  This is a part of our birth outline that I would like to be written in permanent marker – because the more I think about it, the more strongly I feel.  Mike feels very strongly in the opposite direction. Which, obviously, is a hurdle we are going to need to work through.

Ideally, I would also like to have someone in the room with us to photograph the labor/birth process and when G meets the baby for the first time.  I don’t even know if anyone in my area DOES birth photography or how this would work, so you know, that part of the outline might be written in pencil. I could name off a bunch of other “ideally I would like” situations too, but I am realistic and also not opposed to medical interventions when I understand why and when they are necessary.  Because while I love a good outline, I appreciate the need to change what happens as things progress. Because in the end, all I care about is seeing a healthy little girl on the outside world. See, I haven’t become a total tree hugging hippie.  Just half a one.

If you went through a similar process, what were your “we must do this” or “we must not do that” items and what questions did you ask of yourselves individually and as a couple to navigate this process of creating your birth outline?  How did you maneuver the roadblocks?  I am especially interested in anyone who has experienced both medicated and planned natural births.

What do you call it?

The technical definition of Infertility is one year of attempting to become pregnant without success. So what is it called when you are where I am? Subfertility? Secondary uterine-backlash?

I have had 7 cycles since my Mirena was taken out. with 2 early miscarriages. Lots of tears. Lots of anger and frustration.

And I feel alone.

And like the only person who can’t successfully conceive and carry a child.

When I say that nearly EVERYONE we are close with is pregnant/just gave birth, that is not an exaggeration.  And when I say I have all but lost the ability to express my excitement for them, that is not an exaggeration either. It makes me feel like a terrible friend, but honestly, the sadness and frustration are overwhelming and grow with each "announcement" I hear.  Of course, I AM happy for them - it's fantastic.  But it makes me feel even more broken and alone because 90% or more of them were not trying to get pregnant. That is the part that feels unfair.  The most recent "announcement" was supposed to be over dinner with our friends, which we couldn't make.  God knew that I would not be able to handle that in person, I think.  When my husband told me his best friend and his wife are pregnant with twins (their second natural twin pregnancy) I lost it. i would have never been able to stay composed had they told me, and they will never understand (thankfully) what Mike and I have been going through.

I think I needed to cry like that, because I really hadn't yet.

I'm not quite sure where to go from here.

Yes, We have one beautiful child who we love more than words. But this family is far from complete.

We have an appointment with our ob/gyn on the 16th – I set it up after my last ultrasound “just in case”, hoping I would be able to turn it into a pregnancy appointment.

In the back of mind mind, I figured we would be here though, trying to figure out the next step in this journey.

Except I don’t really know WHAT this step is.

We had the RPL panel. Normal.  We had the saline ultrasound. Normal. I've been temping - my cycles are a little wacky, but my LP is a predictable 12 days no matter what day I O.

So what IS the next step in this road?  I have been toying with cancelling the appointment because I feel it might be pointless.  But I know that if I don’t go, I’ll continue to be frustrated and feeling like I am running in place.

We, like most people, do not have infertility coverage. So I really don’t know what happens now. I know they can “code around” to a certain extent, but still, it all makes me a little nervous.

I like to have a game plan, I don’t want to walk in to the appointment with a blank look on my face, because I am not sure where that is going to get me.

If you have been here before, what is your story? What did you do next?

Any and all advice is welcome.

It’s a Mental Journey

It has been 6 months since we actively started TTC for a second child. 

It has been about a year since I was mentally and emotionally ready to add to our family.  But life a year ago, was not at all ideal for TTC, so we did the mature thing and waited and I mentally planned.

So for that reason, it feels like this journey has been a lot longer than it actually has so far. 

I see friends with kids G’s age and I see those kids as big brothers/sisters (many 1, 2 or 3 times over by now) - I want to cry. I see and watch Gianna talk about babies, take care of “her” babies and the other night when she was reading a book and mentioned that the little girls in the book were “me and that’s my sista” – I almost lost my shit right there on the bedroom floor.  I want that so badly for her, for us.

Our first journey into TTC left us broken hearted for 8 months and on the 9th month – there was no fear when that positive test showed up on my bathroom counter. No question that the prize at the end would be in our arms 9 months later. And thankfully, that was the way it worked.

This time? I started out thinking that it could be a quick journey, but prepared for the long haul. Never ever imagining that a positive test would end with anything but a baby 9 months later.  There is no question that the 2 {early} miscarriages have left me thoroughly pissed the hell off jaded . It’s the slowest, most painful form of torture I have ever experienced.

Having to buy tampons every month makes me want to scream.  The neurotic thoughts that go through my head during the TWT [two weeks of torture] annoy me. Pregnancy announcements piss me off.  I hate feeling this way. 

TTC is a total mental game – stay positive, stay hopeful, don’t be angry – I think I need to give myself a break from the positive thoughts – allow myself to be mad for a minute.  Obviously, that’s not going to do any good in the end, but it might make me feel better for a second.

This is the second month of 25 day cycles with ovulation occurring somewhere between CD12 and 14.  I have tossed around the idea of temping for awhile, tomorrow I will start. Something seems a little off and it will at least be proactive.

Most days, it feels like no one understands where I am in this journey.  I get a lot of comments about how “it hasn’t been that long”, “just relax”, “it’ll happen eventually”, “at least you already have a child” – right, whatever, shut the hell up is kind of how I want to respond.  Usually I just kinda smile and nod with clinched teeth.  The mental journey has been longer than the physical one, making it all feel that much more difficult and unfair.

And yes, I thank God every single day for the blue-eyed, blonde haired beauty he has brought into my life and I pray so hard every single day that we can do it all again someday soon. I am trying so hard to hand it all over to Him, but that’s another mental journey.

Stickers! A Quick Giveaway from UPrinting.com

I am always on the lookout for new products that I can use in my Premier Designs jewelry business or in our new DJ business.  I have my go-to printing sites, but again, I am always on the lookout for new, better products.
That is where UPrinting.com comes in – they are one of the most versatile online Printing Companies with tons of great products – including Stickers.
I personally use stickers on my catalogs, customer communications and other items that may be seen my many people.  Uprinting.com offers customizable and Personalized Stickers to meet your needs.

I am pretty excited about these, because even if you don’t have a small business, wouldn’t these be great for holiday cards, thank you cards, to use as gift tags – the possibilities are endless!
Uprinting is offering up 250 Personalized Stickers for One (1) WINNER!  Stickers are 2” x 3.5”, 70lb Label Matte - over $40 value.

How do you win -

Leave me a comment telling me what you would do with your stickers!

I think I am going to order some stickers to use for the DJ biz – or maybe as gift tags……
Giveaway is open until Tuesday October 18th 11:59pm. so get your comments in now! Open to US Residents 18 years and older.  Winner will be chosen  using Random.org – make sure I have a way to contact you if you won!


**Disclaimer: This giveaway is sponsored by UPrinting, no monetary compensation was given and I received a set of stickers for hosting.

+/-

This isn’t the post I had hoped to be writing, but here I am.

A week ago I was feeling sick and decided to take a pregnancy test – I really don’t ever test early, but for some reason I felt like I had too.

And it was positive.

And I was SHOCKED. Mike was SO excited.

I was also pretty unsure, anxious almost, over it.  It seemed too easy this time.

On Monday I took 2 more tests – still positive. Still shocked. But feeling a little calmer.

Tuesday, same deal, I tested before I left for the airport and my lines all seemed to be getting a little darker.

I went about my business in Chicago that day, letting the whole situation sink in but still feeling a little uneasy for some reason.

I woke up on Wednesday and I knew something was not right.

To the bathroom I headed to deal with every pregnant woman’s worst nightmare – bleeding.

It continued and I just kind of went numb. I was alone and pretty confused as to what was going on. But I had a pretty good idea of what the outcome was going to be.

Thursday I knew what I had to do – I had to take a pregnancy test to confirm what I was fearing.

It was negative. I knew then, that it was a chemical pregnancy. And it was over.

No one except Mike knew about the pregnancy, so I felt even more lonely – I really didn’t want to tell my mom and sisters about it over the phone, it seemed silly since there really wasn’t much to be said at that point.

I fully realize that this is not the end of the world, and had I not been TTC I wouldn’t have even known what was going on.  I guess that’s the double-edged sword in this whole situation, huh?

Disappointed is probably the appropriate emotion here, not so much sadness (although there is a little of that). I know it’s not a huge deal and we will just keep on moving forward, but it still kind of sucks.

Someday Gianna will be able to wear the big sister shirt I ordered for her, just not this day.

And I am okay with that, because really, what other choice do I have? I am positive that day will come eventually.

AboutOne: Review and a special treat for YOU

I was recently given an opportunity to check out AboutOne – a secure online family management system started in December 2008 by Joanne Lang.

You can put all kinds of information in one spot that you can access from anywhere – address books, health records, education information, home and vehicle information and so much more.

Here’s a cute video to explain the service:

AboutOne–what’s the deal?

  

I have a few personal favorite parts about AboutOne – the Babysitter Instructions report - How awesome is this? You enter important information in once, make notes as you go and it’s available anytime you need it. This puts me at ease that I didn’t forget anything when leaving G with someone (especially if we leave her with someone new).

The Home maintenance report is great another area that AboutOne offers – this is a place where you can log any repairs or upgrades you have made to your home with applicable contact information and notes. The vehicle page is also great, since we all know my ridiculously awful luck with vehicles lately. I have been able to record all of the information here along with copies of our insurance policy and other mechanical reports.

You can upload (or email!) copies of all kinds of information right to your AboutOne account – including pictures that you can post to the family bulletin board (so fun!), important documents – like immunization records, education records and any other thing you can possibly think of that you want to keep safe and easily accessible.

You can also find AboutOne on Facebook and Twitter – great sources to learn more about how other people are making AboutOne work in their lives.

The very best part about AboutOne, is how much they like to share!

Sign up for a a free trial and at the end of your trial use AREULISTENING714 [exp 8.31] for 25% off your membership!!

For a busy mom, or busy human in general, this is a priceless tool to stay organized and keep everything that is important together in one always-accessible place.

**AboutOne provided membership to me for review purposes – all opinions are mine, images & video credit of AboutOne.com**

LeanGreenYOU Bootcamp–Week 1

Also titled: holy shit I am in a bikini on the internet.

(you have been warned)

I am SO excited to work with Jennifer McCay and the other bootcamp participants over the next 6 weeks as we learn how to live a more healthy life as busy moms and lose some weight in the process.

Normally, I am not a internet-video watcher, but this? THIS is amazing! Jennifer has prepared videos of the week’s lessons for participants to watch each week. And to boot, there are documents that I can print out & use all the time for reference and to keep me in check.

The big goal of this week is goal setting (or benchmarks) and focused on eating – especially what to eat & the importance of adding one healthy meal (breakfast) to each day. This.Is.So.Hard.For.Me since I drink coffee for breakfast usually. But you know what? I feel so much better, more awake and more energized when I eat oatmeal (with my coffee, am not totally crazy). It’s not like I didn’t know breakfast was a big deal, but I guess I didn’t realize how big of a deal it was.

I am going to weigh in every week, but really it’s the size of my clothes/how they fit that matter to me.

So. here it is. Thunderthighs & muffintop in all their glory. (please ignore the messy bedroom)

Day 1/Week1 June 12, 2011

Hold me accountable because I am going to need it!

If you are a part of the leangreenYOU bootcamp, I’d LOVE to hear how it’s going for you! the more accountability I can have – the better! I’d love to hear from you regardless, though!

Wordless Wednesday

I had to send back my amazing Tamron 18-270 that I rented.

Big sad face and another item added to the “wish I had it” list. but I am SO SO SO thankful I rented it.