Sunday, August 30, 2009

Mommy Guilt

If you read my blog, you know that I have been having a bit of a hard time dealing with the new schedule and new stresses in my life.

I was going through my google reader the other night and the last post was this one from 5 Minutes from Mom. Working Mom's Guilt.

It hit me.
This is my problem. This is what I have been struggling with for the past few months, the thing that has gotten worse over the past few weeks.

I am incredibly thankful to have Monday's to spend at home with my little peanut. But being that is my only day off - we end up needing to cram a million errands/dr's appts/chores.WORK [you know, since I am supposed to be working from home] into that one day - because our weekends are just as crazy.
Then comes the rest of the week. On a good day - I spend roughly 2 hours with her before she's asleep for the night.

Here comes the guilt.

When I am away from my beautiful little girl all day, I do NOT want to be away from her at night if I don't have to.
What does that boil down to?
I miss out on certain things. I don't go out for dinner or drinks with friends. I wait until she is asleep to eat dinner, work out, clean, work, study, shower etc. because the little time I have with her during the week I choose to spend dedicated to her (and Mike...). I am not opposed to being social - it's just hard for me to leave that little girl and once she's in bed, that's my time to get things done.
Maybe, if I wasn't gone 5/6 days a week and saw her more during her waking hours, I would feel differently. Hell - when I was on maternity leave I was DYING to get out of the house, put on real clothes and talk to someone who could talk back - as wonderful as that time was, I was bored & lonely! But, things are a little different now.
Also - I really do not like leaving her with anyone. No, not because I don't think they can take care of her (ok, well not always), but because she is my child, my responsibility and her father and myself should be the ones to care for her as much as possible. Since my husband works most weekend nights, I don't get out much since I also feel guilty leaving her with a babysitter.

According to my husband, if I keep this "loner attitude" up I will have no friends and will have no choice but to sit at home by myself every night. I am sure he's right. But at the moment, I see no other options and, if I am being totally honest, I don't mind how things are at this exact moment in my life. And, that in itself scares me a bit considering I have always been a very social, active, busy person. I still want that, I just don't know how to fit it all in and not feel guilty about leaving my little one. Am I the only who goes through this/feels this way? Because lately, it sure feels like it.

It's hard to please everyone and do everything in one day.


Anonymous said...

its ok I will always be there to come over and hang out with and well isnt your twin sister all you need??

Brooke said...

I can totally relate. I am/was the same way. I either want to take Con with me, or not go at all, or go once he's asleep. I always have fun when I do go, but I also miss him like crazy. I wish I could say it gets better, but I think it's just part of being a mom.

krissy said...

um i think your little sister is all you need.....

alicia said...

I have not had to go back to work, but I know a little how you feel. It is soo hard to cram soo much into life these days! errands, and friends and chores and seeing our husbands, it is totally overwhelming! I find I stay at home way more then I used to, but it is nice, I just want to be with my family. So I can totally understand why you would be feeling that way!