Where do we go from here?

I have been having a hard time with life lately. 

Not one thing in particular, just an in general frustration. 

If you have been reading over the past year or so, you will know this seems to be a recurring issue.  It gets better, and then not, and then better again, then really bad etc.  Nothing out of the usual for anyone’s life in general, really, but clearly I am not a great with uncertainty.

I was thinking about it tonight as I was finally showering at 10pm after a full day of doctor appointments, working, playing, running errands, class, house chores etc. 

This is not at all where I envisioned my life to be 5 years ago.

I was going to be a doctor. I was going to probably never have children.  I was going to live the life of a busy professional who traveled a lot with her husband!

That vision started changing right before I graduated from my undergraduate college.  I wasn’t sure on the doctor thing, but I was going to just go with it because that is what I was supposed to do.

And, I went with it. Did really great at it, except I didn’t.  I had to repeat my entire first year because I couldn’t figure out how to argue my way out of 1 wrong answer on 1 test so I would pass 1 class, when I had gotten at least a B in every other one.  I was done at that point.  But I listened to those around me and did it all over again.

I started blogging during my second (third) year when I was really hating school, not wanting to be a doctor and really just wanting to have a “regular” job, kids and a house with a white picket fence.  Had I stayed on track I would be graduating next month.  I don’t regret not finishing, I did something for myself and listened to my gut, for once.  I DO regret not listening to myself sooner thereby alleviating the ridiculous amount of debt I am now in.  But, it is what it is and I have to just take away the knowledge I gained and deal with the rest.

 

So, what gives?

 

If I knew the answer to that question, I wouldn’t be writing this.  I am working a job that I like, but I don’t see myself with this company for long because I need more of a challenge, I want to be in more of a leadership position that they can’t (won’t) provide.  I want to feel like I matter, like I am making a difference and being heard.

I may not be a doctor, but I am just as goal oriented as I ever have been.  To a fault, actually.  I always want more, always looking at the forest – a good view to have in public health, thankfully.  My plate is always overflowing and never has it given me a problem, except it is.

I am not sure what I want to be when I grow up, professionally speaking.  But it’ll come, this much I do know, I have a lot to learn and I am ok with that.

I am the only income for our family right now.  I always thought I would be the majority of our income, but never did I think I would be the only income.  I can’t explain the stress that comes with this, or the frustration, or the resentment.  There is no question that I will do anything that my family needs, sometimes though, I don’t know how I can make it through one more day of doing it all.

 

I do know what I want to be when I grow up, personally speaking.  I want to be a wife. a mommy. a sister. a daughter. a friend.  Yes, I am all of those right now, but some days it really doesn’t seem so.  Most days I am only one of those things, and that is a good day.  And that bothers me.  As much as I try to put my attention where it needs to go, when it needs to go there, I fail at it more. 

 

I am surrounded by people who love me, who have not always supported every decision I have made but always accepted them, who stand by me always.  Without them, I would be over my head instead of just up to my chin in crazy. 

 

It seems that the only way for me to get where I want is to take the mountain road, while I appreciate the lessons, sometimes I don’t. I want an easy button, or a snapshot into the future that will show me that this all really IS worth it and it really WILL pay off in the end.  Because what if it doesn’t?