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Monday, April 12, 2010

Where do we go from here?

I have been having a hard time with life lately. 

Not one thing in particular, just an in general frustration. 

If you have been reading over the past year or so, you will know this seems to be a recurring issue.  It gets better, and then not, and then better again, then really bad etc.  Nothing out of the usual for anyone’s life in general, really, but clearly I am not a great with uncertainty.

I was thinking about it tonight as I was finally showering at 10pm after a full day of doctor appointments, working, playing, running errands, class, house chores etc. 

This is not at all where I envisioned my life to be 5 years ago.

I was going to be a doctor. I was going to probably never have children.  I was going to live the life of a busy professional who traveled a lot with her husband!

That vision started changing right before I graduated from my undergraduate college.  I wasn’t sure on the doctor thing, but I was going to just go with it because that is what I was supposed to do.

And, I went with it. Did really great at it, except I didn’t.  I had to repeat my entire first year because I couldn’t figure out how to argue my way out of 1 wrong answer on 1 test so I would pass 1 class, when I had gotten at least a B in every other one.  I was done at that point.  But I listened to those around me and did it all over again.

I started blogging during my second (third) year when I was really hating school, not wanting to be a doctor and really just wanting to have a “regular” job, kids and a house with a white picket fence.  Had I stayed on track I would be graduating next month.  I don’t regret not finishing, I did something for myself and listened to my gut, for once.  I DO regret not listening to myself sooner thereby alleviating the ridiculous amount of debt I am now in.  But, it is what it is and I have to just take away the knowledge I gained and deal with the rest.

 

So, what gives?

 

If I knew the answer to that question, I wouldn’t be writing this.  I am working a job that I like, but I don’t see myself with this company for long because I need more of a challenge, I want to be in more of a leadership position that they can’t (won’t) provide.  I want to feel like I matter, like I am making a difference and being heard.

I may not be a doctor, but I am just as goal oriented as I ever have been.  To a fault, actually.  I always want more, always looking at the forest – a good view to have in public health, thankfully.  My plate is always overflowing and never has it given me a problem, except it is.

I am not sure what I want to be when I grow up, professionally speaking.  But it’ll come, this much I do know, I have a lot to learn and I am ok with that.

I am the only income for our family right now.  I always thought I would be the majority of our income, but never did I think I would be the only income.  I can’t explain the stress that comes with this, or the frustration, or the resentment.  There is no question that I will do anything that my family needs, sometimes though, I don’t know how I can make it through one more day of doing it all.

 

I do know what I want to be when I grow up, personally speaking.  I want to be a wife. a mommy. a sister. a daughter. a friend.  Yes, I am all of those right now, but some days it really doesn’t seem so.  Most days I am only one of those things, and that is a good day.  And that bothers me.  As much as I try to put my attention where it needs to go, when it needs to go there, I fail at it more. 

 

I am surrounded by people who love me, who have not always supported every decision I have made but always accepted them, who stand by me always.  Without them, I would be over my head instead of just up to my chin in crazy. 

 

It seems that the only way for me to get where I want is to take the mountain road, while I appreciate the lessons, sometimes I don’t. I want an easy button, or a snapshot into the future that will show me that this all really IS worth it and it really WILL pay off in the end.  Because what if it doesn’t?

6 comments:

Rebecca said...

Wouldn't it be nice to have a crystal ball...I mean, not to be freaky and wear 50 scarves and tell other people's futures...just to see what yours looks like. A doctor? That's pretty impressive.

I think being a provider for your family creates a whole new level of stress. I'm not sure that most people are entirely satisfied with their lives nor did they think they would end up where they are.

Sometimes choosing a goal and getting started on a new path is enough to revitalize your spirit...sometimes it just takes sitting back and accounting for what you're accomplished and what you already love about your life. Easier said than done, huh?

Anonymous said...

It IS all worth it and it WILL all pay off ---- life will take you to greatness you can't yet even image! You know I am proud of everything you do, but I get frustrated too that you have alot of financial responsiblity on your shoulders alone. Hang in there sweetie - love ya! **Mom**

Danifred said...

I can so relate to what you are saying. I also feel like I cycle through life with periods of acceptance followed by mass confusion about everything.

I am hopeful that all things will work out for the best for you and that your path will appear more clear as time goes on. All we can do is take it all one day at a time, step by step.

Know that you are supported out here in the bloggy world!

Ramblin' Red said...

I'm new to you - found you thru the B2B FB page (I think?).

Anyway, I relate to this post.

I was going to be a counseling therapist, right? Found out right as I entered my last year of undergrad that my husband and I were expecting, so there went grad school. Got a job that I never would've seen myself in while in college (albeit in the social work vein) worked it, FT/PT and then left to work gov't/social work, went to grad school for an MPA, and right as I was becoming a mover and shaker in our community/my career/education - BAM! Decided, with my husband's support, I'm gonna quit it all and become a SAHM while we had another baby (#3). The last 10 years have been an adventure, and the last 18 mos (since I quit working/school) have been a WILD ride for me (I nearly died after the baby came - physically I'm fine but financially we are BEAT UP!)

At times I worry that my husband feels like you do re: the financial provision, but he insists he is ok with it and that he is happy to have me at home FT.

I still don't know what I wanna be when I grow up though, and I'm about to turn 31.

(hugs)

Anonymous said...

First off, I just wanted to tell you that we "met" through the website I-am-pregnant.com and ever since then I've been reading your blogs....WOW, you are an inspiration!! I love hearing about your updates, your thought, your life...you are a natural when it comes to writing!! There are some of your blogs that have made me LOL and some that have made me cry.

Our little ones are pretty much the same in age. I feel your struggles and your joys...as they are happening at our house too. I am the "worker" in my family, while my husband takes care of Garrett(our son) and is also going to school...he is actually starting medical school this fall.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts! Hang in there, it WILL all pay off....or at least that is what I keep telling myself!!

renee said...

so, first {{{hugs}}} of course!

i hope that you can get to a point where you are content wtih life. I can say that i was not for a while, but now that I am, and Josh is, we are able to just be happy. we are finally able to laugh it off when something shitty happens, instead of worrying ourselves into depression lol. I think that everyone is meant to do one thing with their lives and everything else is just a bonus. you know that i NEVER in a million years thought i would be married or have children, let alone actually LOVING EVERY MINUTE OF IT. but when i look at my life, i am content that THIS is the one thing i am supposed to do with my life. and i REALLY, TRULY hope that you are able to say that one day VERY, VERY SOON!