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Monday, July 21, 2008

undetermined

as has been pretty obvious - life has not quite gone according to plan. story of my life.
one of those things i have been waiting for, the one that required hours upon hours of studying, that would be the one that did not end well. i would be lying if i said i wasn't upset. but i would also be lying if i said i wasn't maybe, a little bit, in some strange way, relieved.

i know you are thinking - WHAT? that makes zero sense.

explain: i had big reservations about going to medical school in the first place, but i went b/c i could and i thought it was the thing that would be best for me. When I had a small snafu in my first year of school and they wanted me to repeat that year - i didNOT want to do it, but everyone told me i should, that it would be best for me - so i did it. In January - I had a huge meltdown because I hated school, hated being there, hated being an unproductive part our marriage, hated everything about it and wanted to quit school - but everyone told me i couldn't quit (pattern?) and i didn't know what i was talking about. So, I sucked it up because that is what I was supposed to do. All the while not really knowing if that is what i wanted to be doing for me or if was doing it for everyone else.

Now - I am here... every successful step I took forward, 5 steps slammed backwards. A girl can only get beat down so many times before the bruises start to show. Are a few letters after your name worth the unhappiness, being miserable, literally hating where I am and what I am doing every.single.day? I am seriously doubting this. I know that I am smart and good at what I do - I also know that there are other career choice that will allow me to showcase these qualities, and one that has to make me happier and in a better place than where I am right now.

It has not all been terrible, there were times that I thought "yes - I want to do this,for sure" and i probably blogged about them. I mean who wouldn't want to be a Dr. if they could? but when I wrote it all down - pros v. cons - the cons really and truely won. So - the official decision for the moment - for anyone who cares - I am on an "official" leave of absence from school for the year. I am undecided if I am going to take this test again, I have months to decide (by Feb. to be exact) and a lot of ground to cover if I have any prayer of coming close to doing good enough to get a job when if I would finish school. [if i don't go back to medical school, i will go back to another school... just don't know which one yet]

For right now - I am looking into the job market. Anyone know a job for a 1/2 doctor?! No really - I am thankful that I am who I am, because I actually do have experience in different aspects of medicine which should help - and the fact that I worked through school. The hubs and I are debating on moving far away from home if the opportunity arises. Life has been flipped upside-down, why not turn it around somewhere fresh if we have the ability to do so?

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I am just waiting on the reason for this one, but I believe that there is a good one on the horizon.

Thank you again so much for all the support - I need it and I appreciate it!

25 comments:

Nit said...

I totally agree ~ Everything happens for a reason!

You have a good outlook...and honestly, the only thing that matters in life is being happy. If being a Dr. isn't going to make YOU happy...then what's the point.

Glad you're back...take care! :)

VA Blondie said...

Good for you for trying to figure out what makes you happy. I am master's educated (Micro and education), yet I went to nursing school for a BSN instead of "just" going to medical school I did not regret the decision at all. I do not think I would be happy being a doctor, and I love being a nurse. I do not think I want all of that responsibility that comes with the MD.

You need to do what makes you happy! No matter what it is. I hope you find what makes you happy.

kimber said...

I agree, also. Being a doctor is something that will consume your life. If your heart isn't in it, you're making the right decision. Good luck!

Karol said...

I pray that what you want comes to you. You have to make you happy, stick with what you want. You are such a bright young woman. I truely hope the best for you.

Amy said...

You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. I don't think its smart to spend all that time and effort (not to mention money) on beginning a career where you aren't going to be happy. It's always good to take a step back and see the big picture.

KC said...

Wow. I say wow because it takes a lot to realize the path you are currently going down just might not be "your" path. I hope you find what makes you happy. Follow your heart and listen to yourself. Not others. Good luck in all that you do. No matter the field, you will be successful.

Kristin said...

You are awesome! I totally understand how you feel relieved! It's all about being happy! I'll keep my ears open and let you know if I hear anything!

Mrs Woggie said...

You are right! A few letters behind your name, are NOT the be all and end all. If you are not happy then obviously this is not for you. I hope you can find a really fulfilling job as a half doctor!!

Commenting from ICLW

Anonymous said...

I know YOU have to decide what YOU want to do. For years I've seen the passion in your eyes when you've talked about an experience with a patient or at school. I've also seen the disappointment in your face when things got tough. But you are the toughest fighter and most intelligent woman I know. Don't loose your confidence! Your the little engine that could and I'll always be your caboose pushing you up the hill!

Leendaluu said...

I'm here from ICOM. It's great you are taking the time to figure it out. I went ahead and finished vet school but if I had it to do all over again, I wouldn't. I'm good at what I do, I have a great job but I don't LOVE it. I'd rather be teaching little kids....

Jill said...

I'm glad you're following your heart on this. Everything DOES happen for a reason. I'm sorry that things are so hard right now, but I know that you will find something that makes you blissfully happy for the rest of your life :)

Red Headed Mama said...

Hang in there. I hope you figure out exactly what will make you happy b/c that is the most important thing. Forget what everyone else says/thinks...do what is right for you.

Rachel said...

I totally agree with you and you should take a leave off... you've been going to school nonstop for what, the past 17-18 years? Take a break girl you deserve it!

My mom works at Akron Institute, I know they hire new teachers all the time and she just has a BS in Health Edu (I believe) but my friend Heidi's hub also applied there and basically had a job (but he didn't take it?) but he just had a Bach in pre-med... I just talked to my mom about it and she said they're aways hiring teachers and if you tell them you already have a bach's degree but you're still pursuing your education (even if you are taking a leave and aren't going back to med-school) my mom says she thinks they'd def consider you. So if you want any more info let me know and I'll try to get you as much as possible =). Hey, maybe you could be my teacher someday! Lol... j/k. Alright hun let me know...if not thats totally ok too =).
*Rach*

Amylou said...

I agree with everyone else. I wish you the best in finding what will truly make you happy!

Mel said...

Oh, I am so sorry. I was so clueless about what had happened, but now I see.
Sometimes God takes us 5 steps back and surprises us by pushing us 10 steps forward in another, better direction. Maybe that's what's going on here, or maybe the timing just isn't right yet. I know you will figure it out and keep your chin up. Life is constantly full of tests and trials and the best we can ever do is learn from them and be as happy as possible.
You have a great future in front of you, I just know it!
*hugs*

Sue said...

from ICLW...good perspective. I hope that YOU are able to figure out what you want to do and what makes you happy!

momofonefornow said...

I don't think it is crazy at all. We do a lot of things that we otherwise wouldn't because someone is pushing us along.
Also, I don't know if this helps any but I didn't really discover what made me truly happy until I was 30. Maybe you just need more time to explore. So do what is right for you and don't let anyone else project their stuff onto you.

DC said...

I've been MIA from the blogging world for awhile, so I just heard your news. I'm so sorry! ((HUGS)) I know how hard you worked for this. But I agree with you that things happen for a reason; even if we have no bloody idea what that reason is at the time we're going through hell.

I'm here for you if you need to talk. You can always email me at lupuspie at gmail dot com. Sending lots and lots of good thoughts your way.

alicia said...

you know what is best for you, and you have to do what is best! I think its great that you want to take off to somewhere new and start fresh there, I hope that works out for you!

Anonymous said...

Sounds like a leave of absence is just what you need to figure out if you want to retake, or change directions... there's only so much you can put up with before you have to step away and decide if the whole MD thing is really for you. Happy job hunting!

Tiffanie said...

You seem to have a great outlook and it's better to realize things like this now than 1 yr from now. good luck finding a job:)

JenM said...

You have a great outlook, and I'm so glad that you are looking at the positive side of things. I am so sorry you had to go through this, but if it wasn't making you happy, you should find something else.

What is your undergrad background? What would you do if you could do anything? Good luck with everything!

Arpee said...

Hey, not sure if you are into books but maybe this is a good time to retreat, reflect and regroup. Check out these books:
What Color Is Your Parachute?
48 Days to the Work You Love

If you are interested in online work, email me and I can give you some ideas...

Kymberli said...

Andrea, I think it is incredibly brave of you to know when enough is enough and then let it be so. There is a huge difference between quitting and knowing when something isn't right for you, or at least when something might be for you, but not the right time for you.

Whichever route you decide to take, I know that you will be excellent with whatever it is that you do.

Kristin said...

I totally missed this post, but I wanted to say that I'm glad you have come to a decision that you feel good about. I understand completely doing something because others tell you too. It sucks big time!