undetermined

as has been pretty obvious - life has not quite gone according to plan. story of my life.
one of those things i have been waiting for, the one that required hours upon hours of studying, that would be the one that did not end well. i would be lying if i said i wasn't upset. but i would also be lying if i said i wasn't maybe, a little bit, in some strange way, relieved.

i know you are thinking - WHAT? that makes zero sense.

explain: i had big reservations about going to medical school in the first place, but i went b/c i could and i thought it was the thing that would be best for me. When I had a small snafu in my first year of school and they wanted me to repeat that year - i didNOT want to do it, but everyone told me i should, that it would be best for me - so i did it. In January - I had a huge meltdown because I hated school, hated being there, hated being an unproductive part our marriage, hated everything about it and wanted to quit school - but everyone told me i couldn't quit (pattern?) and i didn't know what i was talking about. So, I sucked it up because that is what I was supposed to do. All the while not really knowing if that is what i wanted to be doing for me or if was doing it for everyone else.

Now - I am here... every successful step I took forward, 5 steps slammed backwards. A girl can only get beat down so many times before the bruises start to show. Are a few letters after your name worth the unhappiness, being miserable, literally hating where I am and what I am doing every.single.day? I am seriously doubting this. I know that I am smart and good at what I do - I also know that there are other career choice that will allow me to showcase these qualities, and one that has to make me happier and in a better place than where I am right now.

It has not all been terrible, there were times that I thought "yes - I want to do this,for sure" and i probably blogged about them. I mean who wouldn't want to be a Dr. if they could? but when I wrote it all down - pros v. cons - the cons really and truely won. So - the official decision for the moment - for anyone who cares - I am on an "official" leave of absence from school for the year. I am undecided if I am going to take this test again, I have months to decide (by Feb. to be exact) and a lot of ground to cover if I have any prayer of coming close to doing good enough to get a job when if I would finish school. [if i don't go back to medical school, i will go back to another school... just don't know which one yet]

For right now - I am looking into the job market. Anyone know a job for a 1/2 doctor?! No really - I am thankful that I am who I am, because I actually do have experience in different aspects of medicine which should help - and the fact that I worked through school. The hubs and I are debating on moving far away from home if the opportunity arises. Life has been flipped upside-down, why not turn it around somewhere fresh if we have the ability to do so?

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I am just waiting on the reason for this one, but I believe that there is a good one on the horizon.

Thank you again so much for all the support - I need it and I appreciate it!