Tuesday, February 2, 2010

I’m too sexy for my love….


As if I haven’t shared enough about myself to you, my internets, there is always more.

I know, right.  WHAT could it be?  the suspense is killer.

Here’s the gig folks:

Andrea’s self esteem since having a baby = shitty. Shitty shitty shitty.  Why you may wonder, what with the fluffy belly, the double chin and the cottage cheese thighs? How could that not be the ULTIMATE in sexy?

I am wondering the same thing….. 

Since my husband thinks I am still the hottest thing on the block.

(have I told you lately that I love him? I do. And he loves my fluff. ::swoon::)

Back to the unsexy, unsure part of me.  All the assholes cool people out there will tell you how they fit into their pre-pregnancy jeans on their ride home for the hospital and about how they were even skinnier 6 weeks post partum than before they were with child.  And then, there are the normal honest people of the world who tell you about how they hung on to those pesky last 10lbs until their kid was 12, and by that time, those 10lbs were blamed on nachos and beer. 

(and by people, I mean anyone who has been pregnant. duh.)

(but, this totally applies to anyone that has ever let their self esteem, for any reason, get in the way of life.)

(and no, for the record, this is NOT a fish for compliments. it is just honesty.)

I am going to be honest here and tell you all that, before I got pregnant, I was like a lot of 20-something's.  There was always an extra millimeter of pudge here or there that I wanted gone.  Always another 5lbs to lose. But. I wore a size 4 and damn, I looked good. I felt good. I liked the way I looked, 6/7 days of the week. I had a tan. I had a flat tummy. I had good hair. I still had love handles, but it’s not a perfect world folks!

Now, almost 10 months after giving birth, 2 months away from having a ONE year old. (hold me…) I still have those last 5-10lbs to go. The fluff gets in the way of my pants. (but, I am back to single digit pant sizes, so yay to that) I am whiter than white and not confident enough to use the tanning package I got for Christmas. (yes, I am well aware of the side effects of tanning. I am also aware of the effect it has on how I feel.) I work out when I can, which is not nearly enough to satisfy me.  I do have some abs hiding  underneath the fluff – trying to coax them out by eating better. Unsuccessfully.  Clearly the love handles are still in full force. I can live with them.  My thighs touch in one spot. And that makes me angry. (this happened once after college and I vowed to work my thighs ass off – which I did – and to never let it happen again. Never say never….)

I got new hair, in hopes it would lift my spirits. Which it did-ish and I like it.  None of my clothes fit right, in my opinion, and that makes the mornings sucky.

Other people have told me that I look “great” and “skinny” and I just smile and say thanks. I truly appreciate their comments, I just don’t believe them.  The thing is, my husband tells me multiple times a day that I don’t need to change a thing, but why do I feel so crappy about myself?  

How do I feel good about myself? How do I see myself as others see me? This is my problem.  I have accepted that I will likely not look like I did before I had a baby, and that is ok. Seriously, it is. But why can I not accept how I look today? What am I missing?  I would do just about anything to see myself through my husband’s eyes. 



^ new hair. and blue eyes!!


Becky said...

Ugh...I'm afraid for exactly what you are describing. I know you commented on mine that you were exactly the way I am and this is what I've been dreading the whole time.

What's worse for me is I don't work out. Well, I didn't. Ever. Not since high school softball. I just never had to. Now? Now I'm going to be a fat cow and I have no idea how to handle that change.

andrea said...

here is my best advice - don't gain 50+lbs during your pregnancy..... i didn't even know it was happening until it was too late!

other than that, i will just send hugs, hope and whatever assurance I can!

this is by far the worst part of having a baby, for me, because I have never had to deal with it before. feel free to bitch and whine at me, because i won't think you are shallow!

Anonymous said...

Andrea, I totally feel your pain, times 2! I've had TWO kids and with each one, something is "magically" added to my body that I hate. Asher is 15 months old and I still have 15 pounds to lose. I work my butt off almost 5x's a week and eating better and literally NOTHING is happening. Luckily, I am back in my single digit pants, however, the muffin time is a little unsightly at times. You know it's ugly when you literally have to tuck it in your pants everytime you sit down.

I swear we're like the same person when I was reading this blog. I'd kill to only have 5lbs to lose. I'd kill to never have my thighs touch, unfortunately for me, my thighs have touched since birth, so I don't get that luxury. You're beautiful and I feel you when people are constantly commenting saying how "beautiful and skinny and lucky you are" -- because you're right, I do the same thing, I thank them and appreciate their opinion, however I just don't believe them.

We'll get there. It took me almost 4 1/2 years to love my body and look fantastic after I had Kaylee and I vowed I wouldn't allow it to happen again. Look what I've done! Like you said, never say never! Good luck with your goals and the rest of your PP weightloss. It will come off, slowly, but it will!!

Anonymous said...

good one! i just added lots of different emo backgrounds for my blog