Saturday, September 25, 2010

The future makes me nervous

 I know I talked a little while ago about how I never imagined that I would be where I am today.
The other part of that story?  I am having trouble imagining the future.

Maybe that is a good thing, since we all know that life is never as we planned or imagined.

Except I am a planner. You should see my google calendar and all it’s glorious colorful organization.  It may or may not run my life.

I want to know exactly where I am going to be as far as having a new job. Buying a bigger house one day. Because I will have many more babies to fill it. And honestly people, these thoughts are overwhelming sometimes.
First step to the future? Graduation in May. That is under control and on track. And holy crap I might actually be finished being a student (for now).

Second step to the future? Finding not just a new job but a position that satisfies me professionally and intellectually. This is HARD.  I am in the process of contacting a recruiter on the matter because I don’t know where else to begin.  I know what I am looking for, I know what I am willing to bend on and what I am not in a new position. My fingers are crossed tightly that I can find someplace that meets my needs and appreciates what I have to offer.

Third step in the future? Work on making more babies. I said in my friday night leftovers that I am not physically ready. I am not. I want to get my body in a little better shape. I am there “weight” wise but flabby extra jiggle wise – no where near. Also? It took us close to a year to conceive Gianna.  While we didn’t require medical intervention, I feel that the steps we did take while TTC (while who knows if they did or did not make a difference) puts us somewhere on the line that she talks about @ Lovely Lady Bump.  I am scared to death that it will take as long or longer for #2.  Or it might not. That part of the unknown makes us nervous.  Also? having to wait for steps 1 and 2 to fall into place frustrates me because mentally and as a family – we are READY to expand. To share the love we have.  And that part is frustrating.  6 months seems like a long time to wait to even start this journey. But, it’s only 6 more months, right?

Fourth step in the future? Be a supportive wife to my husband in all that he does and in the venture he would like to undertake. It could be very good but we have a lot of research to do.  He has always been supportive of me through my educational journey and it’s time to focus on him for awhile. 

The future seems very promising yet very daunting and a little bit scary right now.  I KNOW it will all be fine, because it always is in whatever way I define “fine” at that moment. But just for a second can I have a crystal ball so I can see WHEN and HOW these things will play out?!!


Esperanza said...

I feel like I could have written this post. My google calendar is also a colorful mosaic of looking ahead, I'm graduating (fingers crossed) from graduate school in December, I'm thinking about changes in my job situation (mostly because I want to work less but make enough to support our family) and, even though my daughter is only 3 months old I'm already having anxiety about number 2 (for the exact same reasons as you). Right now I'm trying to take it one day at a time.

I also learned a really good anxiety-controlling technique where I look at something I'm worrying about a lot, write a pros and cons list about how the worry is effecting me and then when ever it comes into my head I first think of the pros (usually that it gets me to look ahead and plan something) and decide if I can do any of that right now. If I can't then I remember all the cons (mostly bad for my emotionally and physically) and then I let that worry go for awhile. It's been the best exercise I've ever used. If you want to know more about it, I have a whole post I did on it, just let me know!

Esperanza @

Rebecca said...

I can't tell you the number of times I've asked for a crystal ball...just to know that everything was "okay." Looking back on it, my idea of "okay" is much different than my version of okay is today...weird, right?

Good luck with all of this. I need to be more supportive too. It's just so hard sometimes! You only have so much to give!

Danifred said...

I also get very overwhelmed thinking about the future. I think this whole school thing makes it more daunting, as if we're supposed to actually DO something with the degree we're getting ;)
It sounds like you have goals, which to me, is over half the battle. The rest will fall into place. But, I do know your planning pain- I would also like to have a roadmap of life.

Kakunaa said...

Wow...get out of my head, LOL. I don't have the whole organization thing, but the rest? Yeah... nice to know it's not just me :)

Oh, and it is ALLLLLL about the details :)

ICLW #90

Anonymous said...

God will take you to places you can't even imagine --- only He knows the future --- relax and enjoy today my dear daughter! You will always end up on top!

~Jess said...

I second the crystal ball....all the years of infertility and diagnosis would have been so much easier to deal least parts of it...if we'd know what the outcome would be.

We try very hard to let each day be and not worry about tomorrow.


Crossed Fingers said...

I agree - sometimes life seems so overwhelming when you look at it in the big picture but when you take it apart and work at it in small sections, it seems more doable!

I want to get back into shape as well before we start TTC #2 - but we also have a deadline as to when we want to start trying again (unless we have an oops which would be awesome because there would be no trying involved) so hopefully a year after our baby is born I'll be back in shape and happy to start over again!

April said...

Good luck with your plan!


JJ said...

You and I could seriously sit down and solve the worlds problems :) Seems our brains operate very similar--but arent our birthday's close? Are you a Taurus, too?
I try to be better EVERY DAY about living in the moment--but its tough!