Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Lets talk about sex (after you have a) BABY

We all (should) know where babies come from by this time in our lives.

The horizontal tango.
Doing the nasty.

so we do it like clockwork to try and conceive such baby.
Baby is conceived (be it by sex or science).
That bowling ball of head is pushed out and rippage occurs (or not, lucky bitches)
The 6 week rest period is over. And, IUD is in place because no more babies yet please.

And you go at it again. Not so much like rabbits, or clockwork, or really anything at all resembling sexy because OH MY VAGINA does it hurt. I think that my other mommies friends left this part out of their life-after-baby recap.

Once we get past the pain and the uncomfortableness there are a few other issues that arise. Don't worry, I will discuss them with you - because all of you not-yet mommy readers should be warned. It's only fair. Really.

Moving on...
the issues.....

Issue #1: Having sex with another human in the house. I am no vouyer, but I did go to college... I am no stranger to having sex with others in some-what close proximity (sorry, mom). But this was different. Granted we never had the babe in our room because if we did, there would be no motion in the ocean. period. But she was across the hall. Like two steps between our doors - that were open - because if she wakes up we must console her. I felt like some people whose dogs watch them have sex... only no one was really watching. The anticipation of the cry all but killed any mood you can have after your 4th sleepless night in a row.

I would love to say that I have gotten over this awkwardness - but no. She is just old enough to have the door shut and me not worry.

Issue #2: Dealing with the fluffy tummy. It jiggles. And the lumpy thighs. All of the unattractiveness and gross that you (ok, I) felt (feel...) does not make for good love making. And. There is no nakedness in this house. (you cared, I know) Also - no lights. I may turn into ash if my pasty, lumpy ass sees the day of light. Moral here - believe your husband when he says you look great, it helps.

Issue #3: Wondering minds. I know you have all done it - thought about your grocery list, writing blogs about the inner workings of your sex life, your fluffy tummy etc. when going at it. When you are even busier and fluffier than you have ever been, the mind a wonders even more. Now, I am not always making lists in my head when I am alone with the hubs, but sometimes, I am. (sorry, honey) Got to make use of every second.....

Issue #4: The vag. The second degree tear. The scar tissue. All makes for an uncomfortable situation. Nine months ago (ok, nine months minus six or whatever weeks) I though I was going to lose my shit when we tried to get it done. Not so bad these days. We are back to our normal activities, I would say. Also, lets not leave out the great drought in the valley of fluff (also known as my between my legs). Fun. People DEFINITELY left this one out.

Issue #5: The tired. To go along with the wondering minds, awkwardness of having a little human so close, there is the sleep deprevation. I am not saying I am any more or less tired than other moms - but between working/schooling/mommying/wifeing - by 9pm I am d.o.n.e. which means the sexing is not so much on my priority list. I need a nap just thinking about having sex....

So, friends, consider yourself warned, and overly informed on the inner workings of my sex life. All is good and since I am busy-ish, I have been trying to figure out how to enter the sex into my sparkpeople fitness log.... I couldn't find it under "other activities".... I think it should count as cardio or SOMETHING


Stacie said...

Oh good lord that was HILARIOUS! #2 was my absolute favorite. So.very.true. That is what I am currently dealing with.

Thank you for the laugh :)

Danifred said...

Yep, on all accounts. My issues are primarily the jiggles (I have horrible body image issues now) and the wondering mind. I can't help but think about a million and plus things ALL the time... ALLLLLL the time.

Tricia said...

Most definitely should count as cardio! :-)

PJ said...

Ugh, so sorry.

The grocery list, LOLOLOL!!!


Anonymous said...

I never could figure out how those people have 19 kids! Amazing, just amazing ........ must be immaculate conceptions --- who would ever have the time, energy or desires?????

Mama Reg said...


amazing. simply amazing.

hahaha lists?! haha of course. sex is not explosive everytime?! what world is that?! hahaha.

lets see...what thoughts does this amazing blog provoke?

once the healing/recovering takes place, sex for me after baby felt like a dry, untouched desert lol. all the hormones and being able to let your stomach hang out of pregnancy (because its cute then, right?) those things are all gone. so like you said, its this flabby, unsexy, dry desert of a body haha!

it all is taken from you so quickly, that is once the baby is born, and then it is a much more gradual climb back to salvaging whatever sort of previous sexual bliss was encountered previously lol.

but i will say, MEN DO NOT CARE! haha. no matter how flabby we are, how long it takes to put it in because we feel like a virgin in pain once again, how much lubrication it takes, they WANT to have sex with us!! and only us, because we just gave birth to their child and that is impressive!!

hahaha and oh yes, what is this, ASSOCIATION, shall we say, that lobs sex and bed time together? i hate that. im the same way, 9 o'clock hits, its like, sorry if you sat on the couch and watched tv for two hours, your loss! lol.

and not to mention constipation? lol...i ALWAYS think of the movie knocked up. but how realistic is that?! who wants to have sex when you know you havents gone in two days?! so uncomfortable!!

great blog andrea, now i have to find you on sparkpeople!! :)

Brooke said...

Guilty on several counts there.

renee said...

agreed...on all. lol.