Sunday, November 13, 2011

It’s a Mental Journey

It has been 6 months since we actively started TTC for a second child. 

It has been about a year since I was mentally and emotionally ready to add to our family.  But life a year ago, was not at all ideal for TTC, so we did the mature thing and waited and I mentally planned.

So for that reason, it feels like this journey has been a lot longer than it actually has so far. 

I see friends with kids G’s age and I see those kids as big brothers/sisters (many 1, 2 or 3 times over by now) - I want to cry. I see and watch Gianna talk about babies, take care of “her” babies and the other night when she was reading a book and mentioned that the little girls in the book were “me and that’s my sista” – I almost lost my shit right there on the bedroom floor.  I want that so badly for her, for us.

Our first journey into TTC left us broken hearted for 8 months and on the 9th month – there was no fear when that positive test showed up on my bathroom counter. No question that the prize at the end would be in our arms 9 months later. And thankfully, that was the way it worked.

This time? I started out thinking that it could be a quick journey, but prepared for the long haul. Never ever imagining that a positive test would end with anything but a baby 9 months later.  There is no question that the 2 {early} miscarriages have left me thoroughly pissed the hell off jaded . It’s the slowest, most painful form of torture I have ever experienced.

Having to buy tampons every month makes me want to scream.  The neurotic thoughts that go through my head during the TWT [two weeks of torture] annoy me. Pregnancy announcements piss me off.  I hate feeling this way. 

TTC is a total mental game – stay positive, stay hopeful, don’t be angry – I think I need to give myself a break from the positive thoughts – allow myself to be mad for a minute.  Obviously, that’s not going to do any good in the end, but it might make me feel better for a second.

This is the second month of 25 day cycles with ovulation occurring somewhere between CD12 and 14.  I have tossed around the idea of temping for awhile, tomorrow I will start. Something seems a little off and it will at least be proactive.

Most days, it feels like no one understands where I am in this journey.  I get a lot of comments about how “it hasn’t been that long”, “just relax”, “it’ll happen eventually”, “at least you already have a child” – right, whatever, shut the hell up is kind of how I want to respond.  Usually I just kinda smile and nod with clinched teeth.  The mental journey has been longer than the physical one, making it all feel that much more difficult and unfair.

And yes, I thank God every single day for the blue-eyed, blonde haired beauty he has brought into my life and I pray so hard every single day that we can do it all again someday soon. I am trying so hard to hand it all over to Him, but that’s another mental journey.



Danifred said...

I could have written this post myself many times over. Hugs to you Mama, big, big hugs.

Anonymous said...

I get this. I am in a similar space, as we are getting ready to start trying for a second child. I am immensely grateful for the wonderful child I have, but I really want a second child. It still hurts to see pregnant women who you know got pregnant naturally.

Hugs to you!

alison said...

Big hugs sweetie, here for you always. xo

Anonymous said...


Mazzy said...

Don't listen to what anyone else might say. In fact, I just stopped talking to most people about pregnancy because? Nothing anyone else outside my realm of bloggers-who-understand said made any difference to me. It mostly just annoyed or upset me.

People who've not been there don't get it.

And beyond that, family building is HIGHLY personal and HIGHLY emotional. Even I, who've been on both sides of the spectrum (2 years for 1, first month for the other) cannot find the right words to say to someone who is in the THROWS of wanting and not receiving. So with that, I'm praying for you. God is the only one that knows your heart fully and His plan for your family is the only one that will be. Lord, please give my friend strength and peace and answer the desire of her heart.


Rebecca @ Unexplained X2 said...

If you want to respond with STHU, then do they never comment again. Hugs to you...heart wrenching.