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Saturday, January 28, 2012

A post in which I vent a little

This is probably going to be totally random, but I just need to get it out there.

Today was the baby shower for one of my best friends, that I threw.  It was a pretty great party (pictures soon!) and I hope that she feels overwhelmed with love and support.

But as I was watching Gianna interact during the “gift opening” – all her “O! That’s so CUTE!” comments and general cuteness over all the “itty bitty tiny things” – my heart began hurting.  I fought back tears at one point (a benefit of having your eye behind the camera)  because I want, with all that I have, for Gianna to be a big sister. To love another child like I love her. 

I don’t like to talk about where we are at with the TTC process very much (especially in public situations), so questions and comments like “how’s the baby making going?” or “when is Gianna going to have a little brother/sister?”, while I KNOW the person isn’t asking to be an asshole (in fact trying to be the opposite, I am sure) or really has any idea of the situation, it still is upsetting.  I generally just say “it’s going” or “someday” in response and leave it at that.  Honest to goodness, I dream of the day when I can say we are adding to our family.

We were supposed to visit our friends who just had a new baby tonight, and while I am sad that I couldn’t make it (Gianna needed to stay home and “sleep in my own bed” after a long day today), I feel like that wasn’t going to be a good place for me to be tonight.  As much as I want to meet the little guy and snuggle him up, I don’t. 

I wish these feelings would just go away and I could be my usual happy self all of the time – but they are what they are.  And I AM generally happy, but sometimes I just want to feel sorry for myself and vent on my blog because I can. 

Also, I normally would never wish for CD1, but I just wish it was here so we could get on with this process – waiting sucks. And the hard thing is, there is still that little bit of naive hope that CD1 won’t come around for 10 months. 

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12 comments:

Kirstie said...

Sorry Andrea. Hugs.

Kirstie said...

Sorry Andrea. Hugs.

Kirstie said...

Sorry Andrea. Hugs.

Kirstie said...

Sorry Andrea. Hugs.

Kirstie said...

Sorry Andrea. Hugs.

PJ said...

I think you are magnificent for throwing a shower! I couldn't even attend them when I was going through all of that.

I just caught up and read that you went to the RE. Yay for a plan! I called my RE Dr Wonderful also. And he was.

Amy said...

HUGS!

alison said...

Sending you love. You're so strong. She will be a big sister, hopefully soon. xo

Delenn said...

HUGE HUGS!!

So many times I have been there. And even now...I am really kinda jealous of people who it came easily to (or who have 4 kids--even though I would never want that many!).

I hurts. And it sucks. And it is so okay to vent!

Mazzy said...

Good days and bad days. You're completely allowed bad days. Take your moments and keep on going. Prayers for you!
xoxo
Mel

Rebecca @ Unexplained X2 said...

Ugh...I hate when wounds are reopened by seemingly nice people. They don't even realize, do they?

Photogrl said...

HUGE ((hugs)) for you!

Over the 4 years of dealing with our secondary IF, one of the things I hated the MOST was being asked when we were going to add to our family...

After going through it, I will never, EVER ask anyone that question again.