I have been struggling a LOT with my faith lately. I WANT to give it all up to Him, but I am a control freak.And I have been really angry, if I am being truthful.
It pretty much all has to do with infertility, but I bet you knew that already. Probably because when I think about it, I shouldn’t be trying to get pregnant right now – I should BE pregnant. Had I not lost those babies. I know that I can’t think that way – but when I see and hear of people close to me experiencing things in their pregnancies I can’t help but think that I could be there too. Except I’m not. And it feels unfair and just makes me want to scream some days. But that had to happen – for some reason that was part of my path.
But I really have been trying to just let it go. To know in my heart that this is how my life is meant to be and it’s okay that I just don’t GET it. But my head, well, it’s missing the message.
I’ve been ignoring Him a little bit lately. Not literally, but I haven’t really felt much like going to church these days. Except, these are the times, the times of struggle and when patience is thin, when I should be there. Which I am fully aware of.
I went to church today – and like always – I felt like Pastor was talking to me. Especially when he was speaking about how Jesus was good at making people uncomfortable by telling the truth. One of those being that if we can’t be happy in our struggles and through the trials of life – we will never truly be happy. And if we can’t be happy when we cry, we will never laugh.
What that was saying to me was – OPEN YOUR EYES AND JUST BE HAPPY – be happy with the beautiful family you do have. Be happy with the home you have. The jobs you have (this has been another, unrelated struggle). Just be happy. Because whatever is causing the tears/anger/struggle will end and in order to appreciate it’s end, you have to appreciate the beginning and the middle too.
that sounds so simple, doesn’t it? but I think we all know that is definitely easier said than done. And in my life, there are constant trials – constantly I feel like if THIS would happen, THEN I will be truly happy. and like I am just always taking 1 step forward and 3 or 4 backward.
Except I feel that I AM truly happy with my life. But I tend to just dwell on things that in all reality, I can’t change. (control freak, coming into play again).
I just explained this to Mike the other day (and I don’t think he really got what I was saying) I am HAPPY with my life. With the people and experiences and content of my life. I am not, however, satisfied with my life. I know there is more for me to be – more children for me to mother, more knowledge to obtain, more love to give. I hope that I am never SATISFIED with my life and am constantly growing, learning, challenging, etc. The lines of happiness and satisfaction can get blurred, and sometimes that is okay, but sometimes it’s just confusing. Right now, it’s a little confusing!
A very amazing friend also shared with me today something that goes along with this and really it made me smile, because God, he is funny sometimes. He works through people in ways that never cease to amaze me. So, she shared with me James 1:2-4:
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
and the biblical definition of perseverance – which is the most powerful piece to this whole story – “patient endurance of hardship”.
When I read that, I just sat for a minute. How true. How I really, really, needed to hear that today. It is NOT about the ability to hurry through our troubles, but our ability to PATIENTLY ENDURE them. To see them through, because we are growing and God is working through us and in the end – we will be complete and we will be so much MORE than when we started.
While I am looking forward to the end of this hardship, I am beginning to see the beauty in perseverance as well. I have had some experiences lately, that until today, didn’t mean a whole lot to me – but looking back, I can see the lessons they were meant to teach and the people they were meant to touch.
Struggles, patience and love – three things that make up so much of life.