Sunday, January 8, 2012

What do you call it?

The technical definition of Infertility is one year of attempting to become pregnant without success. So what is it called when you are where I am? Subfertility? Secondary uterine-backlash?

I have had 7 cycles since my Mirena was taken out. with 2 early miscarriages. Lots of tears. Lots of anger and frustration.

And I feel alone.

And like the only person who can’t successfully conceive and carry a child.

When I say that nearly EVERYONE we are close with is pregnant/just gave birth, that is not an exaggeration.  And when I say I have all but lost the ability to express my excitement for them, that is not an exaggeration either. It makes me feel like a terrible friend, but honestly, the sadness and frustration are overwhelming and grow with each "announcement" I hear.  Of course, I AM happy for them - it's fantastic.  But it makes me feel even more broken and alone because 90% or more of them were not trying to get pregnant. That is the part that feels unfair.  The most recent "announcement" was supposed to be over dinner with our friends, which we couldn't make.  God knew that I would not be able to handle that in person, I think.  When my husband told me his best friend and his wife are pregnant with twins (their second natural twin pregnancy) I lost it. i would have never been able to stay composed had they told me, and they will never understand (thankfully) what Mike and I have been going through.

I think I needed to cry like that, because I really hadn't yet.

I'm not quite sure where to go from here.

Yes, We have one beautiful child who we love more than words. But this family is far from complete.

We have an appointment with our ob/gyn on the 16th – I set it up after my last ultrasound “just in case”, hoping I would be able to turn it into a pregnancy appointment.

In the back of mind mind, I figured we would be here though, trying to figure out the next step in this journey.

Except I don’t really know WHAT this step is.

We had the RPL panel. Normal.  We had the saline ultrasound. Normal. I've been temping - my cycles are a little wacky, but my LP is a predictable 12 days no matter what day I O.

So what IS the next step in this road?  I have been toying with cancelling the appointment because I feel it might be pointless.  But I know that if I don’t go, I’ll continue to be frustrated and feeling like I am running in place.

We, like most people, do not have infertility coverage. So I really don’t know what happens now. I know they can “code around” to a certain extent, but still, it all makes me a little nervous.

I like to have a game plan, I don’t want to walk in to the appointment with a blank look on my face, because I am not sure where that is going to get me.

If you have been here before, what is your story? What did you do next?

Any and all advice is welcome.


alison said...

You are never far from my thoughts, I'm praying things work out very soon. I did what you're doing - I went to my OB, who at first just prescribed a 3 month course of Provera as a way (I think) to put me off for 3 months. All that did was start my cycles when they wouldn't start on their own. Once we figured out the PCOS thing, I begged for metformin and that's what ended up working for us.

The not having a diagnosis, not knowing what to expect, not knowing when to expect it, not knowing what's wrong or if it's something you can prevent, not knowing, not knowing, not knowing is exhausting. xoxo

PJ said...

I missed that you had another miscarriage. I'm so sorry.

Go to the appointment! I don't think clomid/iui cycles are too costly. Maybe that's the next step? Although you did get pregnant twice, so I'd guess that my re would say to just keep trying. Most of the time it is chromosomal abnormalities, and you just have to have a good egg/sperm match. We had three miscarriages before the twins. After the 3rd try we has recurrent pregnancy loss testing and karyotype. Insurance covered that!!! All came out normal.

PJ said...

Sorry... In having technical issues! Anyway, I hope you get some answers at the next appointment. I'm cheering for you! You guys seem like awesome parents!

Anonymous said...

I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks, a baby and then two more miscarriages (one chemical and one at 7 weeks). My O/B had me on progesterone before I got pregnant and as soon as I saw two lines we started doing a daily shot of fragmin (similar to heparin - a bloodthinner, since we weren't sure if my body was rejecting the pregnancies due to the clotting issue). That's what ended up working for us. I'm in Canada and my drug plan ended up covering the fragmin, although my OB had to write a letter to my insurance company. The progesterone wasn't covered and I was paying approx 300a month for the pills.(I only took them up to 12 weeks).
Please know I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed that you have a big happy announcement for us soon.

Keep your appointment and keep faith! Hugs!

Kakunaa said...

Definitely time for a visit to the OB. I am so sorry it is so difficult. See about progesterone (as someone else mentioned) and see what OB thinks about an RE. HUGS

Danifred said...

Oh honey, I'm so sorry. As you know, I can relate to this story all too well. After Tot, we struggled to get pregnant with Bean and then we struggled some more this time with Blue. I did two things, I started tracking EVERYTHING (temps, cervical fluid, EVERYTHING) and I made a preliminary appointment with an RE. Although fertility treatments weren't covered, the initial screening was. I used a book called Taking Charge of Your Fertility. I followed it and used the accompanying website to track everything. Eventually, I was the one who figured out what was wrong with me. Once I knew that, I went to my doctor, showed them the evidence and then we came up with a plan.
I hope you are able to find some answers. If you ever want to chat, I'm here.

Anonymous said...

First thing, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I know what you mean, though. On the infertility rollercoaster, you feel like you are the only one riding and there is no end.

Also, do not feel guilty because you are not jumping for joy at other peoples announcements. It doesn't matter if it is your best friend or a stranger at the store, when it's not you it is just another dagger in the heart. I understand.

But being on this horrible rollercoaster, I have to say that no one should want on this ride any sooner than possible. Once you are diagnosed as infertile, there is no going back. Its an evil club no one should want to join. It makes everything harder, especially with insurance. Treatments are costly, controversial, and emotionally and physically exhausting. Is it worth it? OF COURSE. I just wish I had known going in that I would need a suit of armor and a lottery win.

Heads up too. If you do have the unfortunate occurance to need to go see an RE, please know that things have changed in the last few months and there is no more "coding around'. My first 2 years of treatment I was fortunate enough to have some of my costs paid because they did that. However, now they will no longer do that and all treatments and visits are coded as infertility. (I think they may have gotten in trouble with the insurance companies, but thats just my opinion.)

As someone who has been through almost everything you have so far(early miscarriages, the uncertainty, frustration and extreme saddness)(well, everything but the beautiful daughter :) and since has had years of every treatment available, I wish you the best of luck. I hope you do not have to follow in our infertile footsteps because I wish what we have been through upon NOBODY. But know that we are here for you every step of the way. ( and just in case, I will save my extra medicines with the off chance someone I know may need them ;)

In time, hopefully sooner than later, you will be able to make that family complete.

Rebecca @ Unexplained X2 said...

First, (and excuse my french), but it is BULLSHIT that they make you wait a year. In most cases, you know within 6 months if there is an issue. Having never gone through this, I have no actually advice (kill me now), but I hope you can get some answers's a horrible feeling not knowing what's happening inside your own body.

renee said...

Hey Buddy. Just wanted to say I love you and I'm sorry I'm not a good blogging friend. I was sitting here thinking of you and decided to check in on your blog b/c I haven't in waaaaay too long. Just wanted to say you are definitely not alone. Soooo many women/couples are going through it RIGHT NOW. Love you and I'm ALWAYS here if you need to chat or need a girls night. {{{hugs}}}

Mazzy said...

Word of advice from a retired warrior... do NOT, repeat DO NOT allow an ob/gyn to put you on clomid without some kind of monitoring (ultrasounds on your lining and ovaries during the cycle). A lot of obg's treat clomid like it is just the most asanine drug and it isn't. You can do a lot of damage to your lining and wind up with cysts if you aren't careful. In fact, I had a cyst rupture while in Puerto Vallarta a month after my obg put me clomid and I thought I was dying.

My advice to you, and this is just my advice, is to shop around RE's and find someone that is not IVF happy. If you can find someone who doesn't even do IVF AT ALL, that would be ideal? You MAY even find that your obg will do basic fertility treatments (mine does clomid, injectibles, monitoring and IUIs), even though you'll have to pay for them since your insurance doesn't cover them. I just think that IVF is VERY necessary for a select few and not for the masses. But? Let's be honest. They are huge money making ventures, even for the nicest of RE's.

End rant.

Determine what your comfort level of money spending is and agree to set it aside or just move ahead with it. I honestly feel like once you decide you want a baby, nothing will get in your way. We charged L on a credit card. Took us 2 years to pay her off, but I didn't care, and I am VERY anti-debt.

I'm praying for your friend! Been here, lived it, totally relate to your heart and LOVE YOU.


Ari&Matt08 said...

I felt this same way for a long time...regarding others announcing their pregnancies. We were unable to even consider being among them, not because of infertility, but because of the crappy economy and our inability to get jobs in our fields. You know about this, we have talked about it before. I really feel for you and pray that things will soon work out for you! :)