so this is love

date night was fabulous.

I got all dressed up, wore heals, did my hair - I even painted my toenails!!

We went and had a great dinner and drinks, followed by more drinks on the patio of a local bar.

I only checked on the baby once, but we did make it sort of an earlier night than originally anticipated b/c of a storm and being too cheap to pay for a movie!

But you know what - we had a great time. For me, it's not about the doing, it's about the being.
"What are you talking about Andrea?"
Let me explain - we see each other everyday (even if it's just in bed) but we are usually too preoccupied working, playing with the baby, feeding the baby, trying to keep the baby from crying, working, cleaning, OK you get the point, to just be together. We can sit on the same couch, watching the same show, and still not really"be" together. Yes - we have great communication for the most part - but when you just want to unwind and relax - deep conversation about what went wrong today/hopes/dreams etc - is not usually in the agenda.

So yesterday, it was wonderful to just be with him. We talked about all kinds of things that we have been putting on the back burner. We just stared at each other, we kissed, we held hands - it was pretty fun. We could have taken the baby to my mom's and just come home to be alone and I would have been happy.

Love is about being - not about grand gestures, expensive dinner or presents - just about two people who have nothing but the deepest passion towards one another. When that passion comes out, it's magic.

My husband rocks

it's DATE NIGHT!!!!!

yes!
I am wearing a cute new dress and heels. double YES!!

We have been looking forward to this for 2 weeks and it should be pretty fun.

OH, and he also rocks because he bought a really awesome birthday present (more on that next week) and even remembered a card from the baby.

trial and error... and trial again...

That has been the story of Miss G's life the past 2 weeks, try this formula, oh you hate it? you scream in pain every time you eat? ok, NEXT!
Try Alimentum, works, most of the time, we are willing to work with it since the screaming is only 1/2 the time as it was before. What? Ready to feed works better for her than powder? Well, maybe....
or maybe NOT....since she started projectile vomiting and screaming her full head off at the same time.
Next up, Zantac. and Alimentum. it's a double whammy - it's GOT to work. right?
We will give it a fair shot and pray that it helps her.

As you know I have been working form home. It's nice, it works, it helps pay the bills. But it doesn't pay all the bills, so I must go back. Tuesday I start a few half days before the big day comes where I work all day like a big girl again.
I am looking forward to it and dreading it equally. It will be nice to be able to do ALL of my own work and know it won't be screwed up, it will be nice to be out of the house, in real clothes, talking to real adults. It will suck being away from her, wondering how she is doing...and some of my coworkers, they aren't the ideal adults to hang out with.
We will make it. It will be ok.

Also - I registered for my first grad school class today. It took me no less than an hour to figure it out, starting with logging in since they never sent me the information?!! But, it's done. I accepted my financial aid - just put it on my tab. I have to get the info for the rest of the classes, but I am looking forward to starting (and subsequently finishing!).

Weight loss, it's going I think? I don't regularly weight myself, I just strive to zip up my pants...
Speaking of pants, I had to go out and buy new ones, just a few pairs, because I don't think gym shorts are appropriate for work. I will cry tears of happiness when they "new" pants don't fit anymore - because they are too BIG!
The running - it is going pretty good. Slow and steady right? I decided on a local 5k on Sept. 13. Next week I am going to add in one of the other workout programs to work on toning and such... cuz really, no one likes fat arms and jiggly tummy.

And honestly, I am overwhelmed. I have lately had more bad days than good. The way I view myself, totally screwed up, but better some days than others. I am getting things figured out one day at a time and learning to adjust to our new life. I will always try to do more than I can, I can't help it. But I have promised to just let certain things go and spend more time just being present and enjoying life.

so ya, pretty much my entire life the past few weeks has consited of trial and error, more error in there than I would like, but we never stop trying!

double trouble

That is what people say to you when you are a twin. I like to think it is more like "double wonderful", you know, since we are both fabulous!

Being a twin is AWESOME! I mean, forever I have had a built in playmate/room mate/competitor/partner in crime but most importantly, best friend.

There is not one day that goes by that we don't talk. 5 times. There isn't a week that goes by that we don't see each other. I don't think either of us would know what to do without the other. It drives our husbands NUTS, but who cares?!

She is a wonderful aunt and godmother to my daughter. A hard worker, a compassionate soul and likely the most generous person you will ever encounter.

I don't know what I would without her and frankly, can't even think about that possibility.

She is my true soul mate.

And, at 11:07a today, she will tell me happy birthday.

At 11:08a, I will tell her the same.

wordless wednesday

[my husband coaches lacrosse. they won their playoff game yesterday. he is very proud]

oh how i love thee

Dear Similac,

Thank you for these awesome cards. They are so amusing.
who would ever think some dots would entertain me for hours....
OH, and the really nasty smelling (and tasting) Alimentum, it kinda helps my belly out sometimes. Mom says I am happier now. I just haven't come up with another way to drive her crazy.....
Much Love,
Gianna (and my mom too, I guess)

like a hamster in a wheel....

you know, because they run so hard and so fast in the same spot, and get no where....

that would be me. and here you thought I was training for a 5k.....

I work hard, very hard (I mean for goodness sake I have been working during my MATERNITY LEAVE, since my baby was TWO weeks old, who the hell does that?) and I usually do way more than I should at any given time. I can't help it. The word no is not in my vocab....

My husband, he works hard, and spends lots of hours away from home to get finished with school. He too has a lot on his plate.

But why do I feel like we are almost worse off than last year at this time, when my world was unknowingly falling apart, I wasn't working AT ALL - for a whole YEAR -and I spent all day and night with my nose shoved in a book?
Sure, this year we have a baby and student loan payments, but honestly, all of that doesn't add up to a great deal of difference since i AM WORKING.....

We want to buy a house. But since I have student loans equating to the value of a really fucking nice house, I can't get that really fucking nice house to actually LIVE in. and you know what, that pisses me off! We can afford more than "they" say, but who gives a shit about that when you owe the government your left arm, right leg and your husband's good ear - and that's just the first month's payment? Certainly not We.lls Far.go. even though that beast is in deferment for the next 2 years. Can you hear the frustration? It's ear piercing.

You want to know what else makes me feel like I am just spinning my wheels? The fact that we can be up rooted from our current dwelling b/c it is for sale. yes. we rent a house that is for sale. it's complicated. sometimes family really does help and hurt all at the same time. and the new realtor that it is listed with, is a royal bitch. I am not going into the details here, but honestly, if someone is going to buy a house - they are going to do it with or without a pile of folded clothes on the floor and boxes in the basement. It's clean, it's kept up nicely, but damn it I have a 5 week old who doesn't know how to nap and there is no time in my day to shower* let alone organize the closet in the office. So, don't tell me to "be quiet and listen" while you all but tell me I live like a slob. Bitch please.

It is hard having a baby. No shit. It is also hard to hear your baby cry all day b/c her stomach hates her and sleep is something that doesn't come easy. It's another vicious cycle. The new formula hasn't made a real dent yet, but I am giving it time, don't worry. The almost-Dr. in me has pretty much narrowed her problem down to mild/moderate reflux (likely silent) and a milk protein sensitivity/intolerance. We'll see if the real Dr agrees with my observations next week....

I wouldn't trade my current life for my old one, but I would really REALLY love for something good to happen. like last week. but next week would be fine. each day it gets harder and harder to hold my shit together and not just sit on the couch surrounded by [used] tissues crying like a fool and praying that the baby doesn't wake up, even though you know she already did**. Thank God for my husband (and the baby) because otherwise, i just don't know.....

*rest assured, I DO shower. regularly. cross my heart.
**or, at least not to repeat this episode from today

My husband Rocks!

because he loves me.
period.
the end.

...it has just been one of those weeks where nothing has gone right, our schedules are crazy as ever, yet he still makes me laugh and feel good from way deep down inside....

Thx

Do you say thank you?
This is one thing I try to always do.

I thank strangers for holding doors, for commenting on how cute my baby is, for not touching my cute baby, for letting me go in front of them at the store etc.
I thank the really important people in my life for just being there, for loving me, for dinner, for listening to me, for making me laugh, for everything really.
I thank God for providing for me, for loving me, for being there always.


And you know what? It makes me feel good. Sometimes, and this is really wild, I thank God and the people around me for "bad" things - like telling me I can't do something or meet a goal - and you know why? Because there is always a really good reason for it even if that reason is hidden at the time, I always figure it out in the end, and am thankful for those unanswered prayers.

The answered ones and the unexpected ones are that much sweeter.


Know what else is really nice? When someone tells you how much they appreciate you.
My boss - and pretty much all of my coworkers - told me yesterday how much he appreciates my hard work [and that he can't wait for me to be back!], my husband told me how much he appreciates the way I take care of things in our family.... And I told each of them how I appreciate the opportunity to work from home and make my own schedule, and how I too appreciate what he does for our family and how much he loves me/us.


Those days, the appreciated days and the thank you days, those are my favorite. They make the hard days a little easier to handle.


OH YA! and I completed day 2 of my couch to 5k program [&the 100 push up challenge] I am still deciding which race to make my goal - will keep you posted. G really loves running with her mom....

So, thank you for reading this today and all the other days. Thank you for taking the time to comment on my life. I appreciate you.

worldess wednesday

[continuing our 12yr friendship into the next generation]

normalcy

i am allowed to "return to normal activity" today.

you know what that means.

i can work out! (and have sex!)

thank you so much for all of your suggestions - I did the 30d shred before I got pregnant and I love Jillian! My sister is getting me a copy of TurboJam and P90x (no i am not doing them all at the same time!) and I want to try and do the Couch-to-5k program - I told Mike a few weeks before I had G that I wanted to run a 5k this summer, so maybe I will actually do it!

I used to go to the Y - then I got pregnant and moved. I miss it. Like ALOT! But I think that if I do these other [...read..cheaper...] things I can make it work.*

so, we are on our way to normal. or a new normal. or something like that!
--------------
In other news: the new formula MIGHT actually be working to help G.
We didn't think so at first, but today [day 3] she seems a little better, less crying, less spitting up. That is until I mixed the gentlease w/ the regular lipil. She is not happy.at.all. right now - or for the past 3 hours. So, back to the gentlease for another day or two to really see if it works.
That and a constant record of what is going on in the world of G.

hellooo summer.... goodbye thunderthighs?!

It has been 5 weeks since I had this little angel.
It has been 10 months since I have worn MY clothes.
My closet is a depressing sight. the clothes, they are beautiful. they stare back at me begging me to wear them. then, when I attempt to put them on, they laugh at me and the bully maternity clothes start cheering b/c they have won yet another fight.

I gained 50lbs while I was pregnant. you're not surprised right? you saw the pictures.
I have lost a little over 30 (ok 32...) in the last 5 weeks.
Tomorrow I am expecting the "go ahead" to really start working out. I have been taking long walks with the baby almost everyday and doing some beginner workouts the past 2 weeks, but I am chomping at the bit to get rid of these freaking extra lbs. Never in my life have I weighed this much and I do not like it.

So here's the deal. I go back to work in a month. I have lots of fun, important things coming up in the next couple weeks. I would like to look and feel good.
I am pretty motivated to get this weight off, but I need some help. What did you find to help you loose that pregnancy weight? I am up for pretty much anything! I just need to get rid of these damn thunder thighs. And I want my hips to go back to normal....

where's the light???

i realize that today is friday. most of the time I would be very excited. Not so much today....

reason #1:
we thought we had a potential solution to our little girl's screaming/reflux. definatly no. it is, in fact, worse today than it was on tuesday. Awesome. We are trying a new formula at her next feeding and then for the rest of the weekend. I am not hopeful about this, but it is worth a try I suppose.

reason #2:
just b/c it's the weekend doesn't mean we aren't working... or at least the hubs. I realize that being a DJ means you work on the weekends, and normally, I am totally cool with that. However, after spending the past 23432 hours with a very angry baby and no husband, doing it for the next 48 doesn't seem so fun.
And, quite frankly, I miss the heck out of him.*

reason #3:
my inlaws are coming over tonite.
i am in no mood for company.** especially company who gets a fidgety around my poor crying baby and thinks that just talking to her will make her calm down. not to mention, i HATE "baby talk". [I just had a long conversation with my sister about this.... and how she should NOT talk to my kid like she talks to her dogs!]

BUT there is at least TWO reasons to be excited it's the weekend.....2 big fat lights at the ends of some really special peoples' tunnels......

#1: My mom's house finally sold. and I think (HOPE!) they are going to by the big one with the POOL!! we really like the pool..... and the hottub too....

#2: 2 of my very best friends ever are graduating this weekend. from medical school. they are going to be DOCTORS in less than 24 hours!! I am so stinking proud of them! (and the rest of the people I know graduating tomorrow too!)

* and this will only get worse since... more on that later

**in fact, i am in no mood to shop. so you know i must be cranky.

wordless wednesday

it took me a long time to think of something for this week that didn't involve the baybee.

then i found this. the day i found out i was pregnant.

[motivation.]

flying

totally in shock that my little girl is one month old! like. woah!

it's been a pretty crazy month. we are still getting to know each other though. But there are a few things we have figured out:

• she is her dad's twin. just a lot girlier and cuter ;)
• she still doesn't like her swing, but she got a new bouncer seat that she likes slightly better.
• she weights 9lb 14oz! WOAH!
• she's 22" long - no she isn't shrinking. she was measured wrong @ birth.
• apparently naps are for wimps b/c they don't happen in this house.
• reflux. likely the reason for the screaming. hoping the plan from today's appt works.
• her eyes. they work! she is tracking things and looking at things now!
• her parents, she loves them!
• she picks out really good mother's day gifts...... ;)

time flies......

double the happy

this happens to be a very very important day. for 2 very important reasons.

Reason #1:

My BABY sister turns 18. Today.

I can not believe it. I remember the day she was born, the days we didn't get along, the days we taught her to "shake her booty", the day I taught her to drive, the day she stood beside me at my wedding, the day she started driving on her own, the day she found God, the day she sent me a card congratulating me on becoming a mom.... and all the days, good or bad, in between.

Somewhere along there I missed the day where she went from being a kid to a young women to an adult. But I did not miss the beautiful, graceful way in which she made this transformation.

For being 6 years younger than me, we are best friends.

Her life is only beginning and I can't wait to see what she does with it.

Happy Birthday Krissy, I love you!

Reason #2:

That lady in the pink shirt.

My mom. A new grandma. My closest friend.

I wrote about her last year, but this year our relationship has a whole new meaning. There is something very amazing about becoming a mom and to have such a wonderful role model - I try everyday to be half the mom she was to us. I can't imagine having a better life growing up and that is attributed wholly to my mom. I also had a pretty amazing grandma and I can see so much of her in my mom when she is with G. It is not secret how much she loves her and I can't wait to see what kind of influence they have on each other.

I hope to be such an inspiration to my daughter (and future children) but those are some big shoes to fill.

Happy Mothers Day! I love you mom.

my husband rocks

Since I got pregnant Mike has been nervous about the delivery. Like nervous he was going to pass out, throw up or both.
We got our instructions of how things were gonna go down.....

GAME ON.

Mike stayed up with me at first. My mom and twin sister took the legs. They did a terrific job.

Eventually my mom had to pee and Mike took her place. He was awesome. He stayed in one piece. And upright. He encouraged me in a way that I didn't expect but appreciated in a million ways. They were all awesome - coaching me to the finish line. Telling me about her hair. I kept thinking - I KNEW IT! And it made me push harder so I could SEE it! I honestly don't remember much of how things happened - they just did. I used the mirror for one push - but I really didn't need to see ALL of that.... And then before I knew it and 2 hours later - "ONE MORE PUSH". I cried. again.

Oh ya - and suddenly - transformer bed. doctors and nurses everywhere. and BABY!!!

More crying. From everyone. Mike cut the cord. I just stared at this brand new baby girl laying on my chest - amazed. totally amazed. and wondering how in god's name SHE came out of ME! Oh ya, and I thought she was pretty cute too.

It was a surreal experience and I look forward to doing it a few more times. just not anytime soon.

OH - remember all those people that were there before? Almost all of them stayed. all night. and got to meet her shortly after she was born. We have some pretty supportive friends and family.

And then I got to have breakfast!!

wordless wednesday

i have seen a bunch of these posts and I wanted to participate too!

[the future DJ G... like father, like daughter]

brain on overdrive

I have a ridiculous amount of thoughts going through my head these days.
they don't always make sense and I can't see the answers to most of them but here are a few....

• am I really someone's MOM? I do not really know how to be a MOM!? I have the basics down, but I do it without thinking of being a MOM. I feel like at any moment someone will come to my house and say, "oh thanks for watching her we'll see ya later.... " I wonder when it will really hit me that she is MINE. FOREVER.
• we want to buy a house. the economy is good for first time buyers. we have a sick tight budget because of my student loan debt the size of mt. evrest. this makes me feel very guilty since w/o that debt we could buy much more of a house. we will find something, it will be ours, some day.
• I am going back to school in August. I have no idea what classes I am to take or how I am supposed to pay for it because I haven't heard anything at all since I sent in my acceptance letter. I hate waiting. I am impatient.
• My birthday is this month... Yay! I love birthdays.
• Will the husband find a job once he is done with school that he actually loves? I think so. But we have no idea where this job may be located... add this to the house stress.
• I am the un-fun friend. the old boring one who just wants to stay home with her kid or have playdates. Not one part of me desires to go out to the bar or whatever*. What if my friends don't want to be my friends anymore? (I don't really think this will happen....)
• Why does my little girl scream after she eats? Why does nothing I do to "help" her, help her? I have tried everything besides changing her formula because I am scared to do it without talking to the doctor, we go in a week, if we make it that long.
• I dread going back to work. I love working, especially from home, but there is not 40hrs/wk of work for me to do from here because, well, I am that good. I am thankful that I can do it for now and thankful that my sister will be watching her for awhile, but I still don't want to leave her all day.
• Maybe I will have a margarita to celebrate cinco de mayo....

*not today, maybe in a few weeks/months I will think differently.

we're having a party...

or a baby. Same diff.

Did I mention that I had 14 (or maybe more?) people hanging out at the hospital with me waiting on this baby to show up. We were the life of L&D. Party on....
Oh ya. So I made it to 4cm. Had some pretty strong, long contractions and the next time they said "so - do you want the epidural NOW?" at about 10:30p I accepted that epidural with a big fat drug seeking smile on my face.

It was really not that terrible. I was really scared - you know - big needle. in my back. EEEKKK.

He was gentle. It felt like I hit my funny bone. in my hip. STA-RANGE.

And then the numbness started... very slowly. I could feel and move my legs the entire time, except they felt like they weighed 200 lbs a piece. But no pain.

then we waited. Or watched movies....

Look how much better I look now that I got the drugs. And a little button to push in case I needed more.

And then they increased the pitocin which brought on some crazy strong contractions and from the looks of that monitor I could have made out with the anesthesiologist because those bitches would have HURT!

Did I mention that this entire time I was STARVING? All I thought about was how hungry I was! And sleeping....

So ya time for bed yet? Every time I attempted to sleep - something would happen. Someone had their hand up my vagina every 15 minutes. Or at least it felt like it.

My little one, her heart beat and the crazy strong contractions were not doing well together. Every monitor would start going crazy and as soon as I could open my eyes there were 10 people in my room and half of them were looking between my legs.

I'm not sure I ever really got scared - I think I knew I had no choice but to lay there and let them do whatever they needed to.

Eventually she calmed down but it was a long process of stop the drugs, calm the baby, insert some new monitor into my cervix, start the drugs - repeat from the hours of 11p-5a.

I did learn that an internal monitor makes the baby's heart sound like a ping-pong ball and that an amnio infusion is just as infusing as it sounds.

By the time all was said and done - I had about 5 wires/tubes/monitors coming out from between my legs plus my IV plus my epidural... I couldn't have ran away even if I wanted to.

Also. I could not stop shaking. All I wanted to do was get warm, but I wasn't cold. Eventually someone told me this was totally normal. Nice.
No one got much sleep......

I woke up eventually feeling like I was going to puke my guts out. And I did.

Then the nurse said - oh look, you're at 10. Let's start pushing.

And I cried.

"holy shit I am going to have a baby. NOW"

officially official

I got a letter in the mail this week.
It was the official with drawl letter from medical school. I had emailed my intention to with drawl and not extend my leave of absence last week, but seeing it in writing, made it really real.
It was most definitely the right decision for me. Not one single part of me doubts this.
But it just makes it very real, that part of my life is over. Those 3 long, painful years are behind me.
I have new dreams now. Dreams that I am very excited to pursue and see where they take me in life.
Never in my life have I quit something. I try not to think of it as quitting, more of a restructuring to my life and career choice, following my heart.
One thing I thought about the other day, how will I explain such a complicated experience to my kids?
Then I came up with an answer - "Mommy thought she wanted something, she worked very very hard, overcame many obstacles, accomplished a lot of things, but in the end - something was still missing. She had to figure out what that something was. And she did. So always remember that you need to do what feels right, what you know is best for your life. And know that I will support you in whatever that is, no matter what, for always."
Because I know, that without the support I have gotten and continue to get from my husband, my mom, my sisters, my friends - I could not have gone through all the things that have happened in this part of my life. Even if they didn't or don't understand, they accept that this is what I had to do, what was best for me. That is something I cherish.
And after all, it's not everyone who graduates from college when they are 19 while working almost full time. I will have my masters before I turn 26. And I will always have these fabulous people in my life.