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Saturday, May 23, 2009

like a hamster in a wheel....

you know, because they run so hard and so fast in the same spot, and get no where....

that would be me. and here you thought I was training for a 5k.....

I work hard, very hard (I mean for goodness sake I have been working during my MATERNITY LEAVE, since my baby was TWO weeks old, who the hell does that?) and I usually do way more than I should at any given time. I can't help it. The word no is not in my vocab....

My husband, he works hard, and spends lots of hours away from home to get finished with school. He too has a lot on his plate.

But why do I feel like we are almost worse off than last year at this time, when my world was unknowingly falling apart, I wasn't working AT ALL - for a whole YEAR -and I spent all day and night with my nose shoved in a book?
Sure, this year we have a baby and student loan payments, but honestly, all of that doesn't add up to a great deal of difference since i AM WORKING.....

We want to buy a house. But since I have student loans equating to the value of a really fucking nice house, I can't get that really fucking nice house to actually LIVE in. and you know what, that pisses me off! We can afford more than "they" say, but who gives a shit about that when you owe the government your left arm, right leg and your husband's good ear - and that's just the first month's payment? Certainly not We.lls Far.go. even though that beast is in deferment for the next 2 years. Can you hear the frustration? It's ear piercing.

You want to know what else makes me feel like I am just spinning my wheels? The fact that we can be up rooted from our current dwelling b/c it is for sale. yes. we rent a house that is for sale. it's complicated. sometimes family really does help and hurt all at the same time. and the new realtor that it is listed with, is a royal bitch. I am not going into the details here, but honestly, if someone is going to buy a house - they are going to do it with or without a pile of folded clothes on the floor and boxes in the basement. It's clean, it's kept up nicely, but damn it I have a 5 week old who doesn't know how to nap and there is no time in my day to shower* let alone organize the closet in the office. So, don't tell me to "be quiet and listen" while you all but tell me I live like a slob. Bitch please.

It is hard having a baby. No shit. It is also hard to hear your baby cry all day b/c her stomach hates her and sleep is something that doesn't come easy. It's another vicious cycle. The new formula hasn't made a real dent yet, but I am giving it time, don't worry. The almost-Dr. in me has pretty much narrowed her problem down to mild/moderate reflux (likely silent) and a milk protein sensitivity/intolerance. We'll see if the real Dr agrees with my observations next week....

I wouldn't trade my current life for my old one, but I would really REALLY love for something good to happen. like last week. but next week would be fine. each day it gets harder and harder to hold my shit together and not just sit on the couch surrounded by [used] tissues crying like a fool and praying that the baby doesn't wake up, even though you know she already did**. Thank God for my husband (and the baby) because otherwise, i just don't know.....

*rest assured, I DO shower. regularly. cross my heart.
**or, at least not to repeat this episode from today

7 comments:

lilsweetpea077 said...

If you need anything please let me know. I know how hard it is to have a screaming baby and not being able to do much of anything. It breaks your heart and frustrates the hell out of you all at the same time. I love you and want to make sure you know I am here for you always!

Kara said...

Just when you think your world is crashing down.. a new door opens. keep your head up! you are strong!

aunt krissy said...

but i thought she was a very well behaved baby today

Anonymous said...

Oh no I hope things look up for you! And I am sure I don't need to remind you of this since you're a 1/2 doctor or more :) but post-partum depression is common, normal, and treatable. If it becomes a problem, don't be afraid to seek help.
I know some people are having luck getting loans even with those huge beasts of med school loans by submitting proof of deferment when they do the initial loan application. Check out other lenders and show documentation that proves you are in deferment- you might have good luck.
Things will look up!!!
-Anonymous Friend ;)

renee said...

remove job and insert 2 screaming/fighting/whining toddlers=my life. i understand and i really hope it gets better soon. we are both strong girls and will be fine. we'll both look back on this time in our lives in 15 yrs and laugh. :D {{hugs}}

Danifred said...

Sorry things seem so cruddy lately. I can relate and I promise to keep all the cliches to myself (you know, when one door opens... everything happens for a reason.... blah, blah, blah). Sometimes, I find that it just feels good to say it all out loud for the universe to hear!

alicia said...

i know about the non napping crying baby thing!! so hard, but I don't have to work or worry about house stuff too!!! so sorry, hugs!