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Saturday, July 5, 2008

trickster

i have come to realize that i don't know how to "just relax" when it comes to this whole baby making process. i wish i did. i wish i was okay with it happening "whenever" - i mean i am, kinda. but i want our family to start now - soon - not later. i am ready. at least i think i am. and i think the more i tell myself "it's ok, next month...." the more my body thinks this is hilarious and just makes up all these ways to trick me. last month - it was with AF showing up an entire week late. sure, maybe it was stress, or late ovulation or whatever - but the truth is i don't give a shit why because i wasn't pregnant & it wasn't funny! This month - so far, i am 2 days late and honestly have been so busy that I haven't thought much about it - but i can tell you what has been happening for a few days that is obnoxious - i am bloated a ridiculous amount [abnormal, but AF is supposed to be here so no biggie?], cramps [again, AF is coming....] and now, the boobs. they are uncomfortable [abnormal AND annoying].
We went to a wedding last night - and i of course wanted to partake in the adult activities if possible, so I took the stupid test [pretty much against all better judgement] and it was of course negative.
*shocking*.
no.
i do not think i am pregnant - i do not have any "hope" or whatever you want to call it, I just want my stupid period to start so I can get on with my life! but i have a funny feeling we may be having a repeat of last month - lovely.
This is getting ridiculous, body - if there is no baby... ok - but can we just get back to normal? we used to have such a decent relationship before, so punctual and mutually respectful.

also, i wish when i told people "when it happens, it happens and we will be thrilled" - i really felt like that. because i don't. As each month passes, I feel almost a little bit desperate, defeated, that maybe my body is broken. But then i try to put on my happy "everything happens for a reason." and "it'll happen when it's our time" face, no matter how hard it is some days - because i know that those two things are the absolute truth - even if the truth in fact sucks sometimes. I accept it, I just am having a hard time dealing with it as time goes on.
Especially when my sweet husband tells me about how he dreamt of us having a son.....

10 comments:

DC said...

I'm so sorry about the BFN. At least we both got to drink this weekend, eh? ;)

So when do you get your test results??? I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you. Oh, and I'm also doing the AF dance and hoping she shows up ASAP so you can get the BMing show on the road! :)

Nit said...

I could have totally written this post everyday for the past 5 years!!!

Trying & waiting is sooooo frustrating. :(

And I'm sure your husbands dream will come true...very soon!

JenM said...

I'm sorry :-(

I know how hard it is to wait, and how awful it is to have your body break down and bleed month after month. I am so sorry you are going through this, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I hope that thngs get better soon, and that AF behaves herself. I'm sorry about the BFN.

Mel said...

I am so sorry, Andrea. I can say I know exactly how you feel and that trying and failing has only served to make me stronger and truly test my faith. I hope it does the same for you and hopefully your wait won't be much longer. ;)
*hugs*

Alison said...

I TOTALLY get what you are saying. For me, by the fourth month of trying I was a wreak and my body was not acting like it normally did. Every passing month was worse than before. And you are right, the dreams don't help one bit! *HUGS*

sharon said...

Andrea, I can so relate to what you're saying. Its as if the more desperate I get, the more I want the BFP,the more my body shows me just how much it can mess with my mind.
All the best for the next round!

alicia said...

so sorry about the BFN. and the tricks our bodies play. I am no good at relaxing either, the good news my friend, is that relaxing will not help you get PG! It is hard to put on that everything is fine face. I have got tired of doing it. And when ppl ask whats wrong I am sometimes way to honest and say, because I am barren and childless thanks for asking! ha ha, ok I am not that mean, but I want to be. I hope your hubby;s dream comes true and that you are holding that son soon.

Frazier said...

((Hugs)) I'm sorry you are dealing with this all. I hope your time comes very very soon.

Just Me. said...

I'm sorry about the BFN.

It sucks all the time, I swear! I hate this rollercoaster ride too. Sometimes, I tell myself this is not happening! Hugs.

I'll be chanting BFP with you next month.

FYI - i've had to remove the previous blog. Insensitive IRL shit friends were invading it.

ps, did you change your background? Looks great!

Tiffanie said...

i know the crappy feeling. over 2yrs of ttc here and it doesn't get easier. atleast now that we have stopped treatment until next summer when we do IVF i'm not expecting to be pregnant, but it is still hard when you get af and just sigh and think that another month just bit the dust.