Thursday, May 19, 2011

Getting it out there

Do you ever experience something and just need time to processes that experience before you can make heads or tails of it?

I have been trying, taking little baby steps, to turn my heart over to Christ. I have always felt connected to Him, I grew up Catholic, but the relationship didn’t feel very functional, if that makes any sense at all.

Over the past 4 or 5 months, I have really felt a need and a want to explore and expand that part of my life. I am timid about it and that is getting me nowhere.

The other day I had to drive pretty far for a conference, I spent a good 5 hours in the car by myself. I do all my best reflecting in the car and something came over me that day. I prayed. Out loud. (I NEVER do this).

I poured out my wants, needs, fears, hopes, desires – all of it.

When I was done, I felt this –and I really don’t know how to describe it- feeling within me – within my heart. I knew what it was. It was Him showing me where He belongs – where he IS. It was a pretty comforting feeling, actually.

My biggest problem is that I am a CONTROL FREAK. I like to be in charge of everything – especially my life. Which is HUGELY stressful and frustrating, not nearly as rewarding of an experience as you might imagine (ha!).  I envy those who are so carefree and comfortable within the confines of their lives. Part of why I feel so, unsettled, is the job situation. But I DO have a job. I have THREE FOUR jobs, if we are counting. I am a wife. A mother. A writer. A Premier Designs jeweler.

For some reason, telling people about this job has been hard for me – I fear they will think, “She was supposed to be a doctor and now she sells jewelry?” or “don’t you have a masters degree ::eye roll::?”

But that is my own fear, and a really unrealistic one, if I am being totally honest with myself. Because this job – is full of so much JOY and HOPE and FUN! I make more money than I did working full time and work about 1/4 of the hours, it’s legit, I enjoy the women I see and the lives I have been able to enrich. I need to change my outlook on it – because it is meaningful and fruitful. And it brings me happiness and faith.

Sure, I want to USE the degree/s I have – that will come, I have to be confident in that as well.

I guess all of this is trying to say – This is SO hard for me, but I think I am ready to jump in with both feet – to really hand myself over to Him. I am willing to put in the work, the effort, the desire needed because I know the rewards will be endless. He will bless me, my family, my business – and He has – I only need to open my eyes to the future and the possibility. It’s scary and different, but I know it promises to be worth it.



Devon said...

I wiah I could "like" a blog post. Because I super like this. And feel myself in the same situation about Christ and being a control freak.

Glad things are going in the right direction. This With-a-Degree-job thing will come around, it always does. :) For now, enjoy your business, because you've built a strong foundation and are a great role model for those of us learning and growing under you. Your roots are deep, and keep getting deeper!!


Mel said...

First, I love this.

Secondly, I am praying for you extra hard, my friend. He's trying to reach you and I am SO THANKFUL that he's finding a door willing to be opened. My heart breaks for all my friends that don't know Christ and have no desire to know Him. There are so many.

There is such a great comfort and peace in knowing that there is a greater force in control of everything. It makes all the difficult and unsettling trials somehow seem less painful. It has taken me so long to learn that He uses us in ALL THINGS and we are shaped in the hard times. So many people see God as some kind of a genie and only turn to him to pray for something they want/need. They don't understand that the relationship is VASTLY more encompassing and complicated than that. To hand yourself over FULLY to Him is something so precious and so WORLD ROCKING. I pray you will find the strength to do this. I struggle with it every day.

It doesn't matter what anyone thinks about your life and where you are versus what they think you should have been or are to become. You are beautiful, amazing, precious and so intelligent. I fully believe that the greatest things we can do in life involve the least amount of money, reward, glory or title. Thank you so much for sharing your heart in this post. I admire your strength!

Aunt Sis said...

I love you more than anything - and this post just makes my heart smile!

The beautiful thing about a relationship with Him is the fact that He takes you to places you never thought you would go and He blesses you moer than you ever thought in them!

You are wonderful, smart, beatiuful, witty, and have such a big heart - He made you that way and is going to use all of your ablities in ways unseen yet!

~Jess said...

I love this post! Letting go is a daily thing, actually if I were honest, it's minute by minute :-)

As for the job, you have to do what you love!

~Jess said...

Ps. Email me if you would like access to my blog Jess.white05 at gmail dot com

~Jess said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Julia Lynn said...

Great post! Thanks for sharing! What a fantastic place to be in this journey! :-) As a control freak yielded to Christ, I can tell you He helps you relinquish control ;-) Super excited for you!!!

alison said...

I so get what you're saying about your relationship not feeling very functional. I grew up Lutheran (it was a verrrry conservative sect of the Lutheran church). I always felt like church was kind of pointless, I wasn't getting anything out of it. Our church now is just... amazing. The Holy Spirit flows throughout that place. It's obviously not the building, but the collection of people gathered. And I get all weepy thinking about how much it's rocked our world (in a good way).

You are an inspiration my friend. I love how open and honest you are about something that's not always easy to talk about, and sometimes not even easy to understand what's happening within you.

You are right where you need to be, and if He's calling you somewhere, to do something new, you just have to have an open ear and heart. Praying for huge blessing for your family. xo

Danifred said...

Thank you for sharing. I really admire your openness. I've always struggled with religion. I wish I could find my peace.

Anonymous said...

How awesome! It takes everything in you to Let Go and Let God.

So proud!

Rebecca @ Unexplained X2 said...

The more you CAN do, the most often you'll be able to save yourself if put into a bad situation. For instance, if I really had to, I could waitress or bartend to make more money...would I be proud of that considering I have 2.5 degrees? Not really, but you what you have to do and what makes you happy. I think it's great that you love this job so much.