Stolen Innocence

 

When I saw that pink line appear on a pregnancy test in May – I immediately felt like I was going to lose my shit.

I was excited.

But more than excited, I was scared.

I remember looking at Mike with tears in my eyes and saying something along the lines of, I hope the 3rd times the charm.

The heartache of the past year stole the innocent joy that should be associated with a positive pregnancy test.

After our first beta, I thought okay – let’s see what the next one says and how much progesterone will it take to help this baby stick. Not YAY I’m pregnant.

Then we had the second one, and the nurse could tell I was still a little uneasy – she said to me “you can start to get excited now”.

The loss we experienced over the past year stole the innocent joy that should be associated when someone verbally verifies that yes, you ARE pregnant.

Walking in to our ultrasound appointment I was SURE I was going to throw up.  I could not calm my nerves to save my life.  I was also thankful for my husband who just held my hand and the ultrasound tech who was sweeter than ever.  She said – once she found the baby & saw the heartbeat– “one will do, won’t it?” and I just let the tears flow because YES! One will do, indeed.

I think I went through the next few weeks in disbelief of what was happening – afraid to get too attached to this little person.

I went to my OB appointment and probably scared the crap out of the lady who drew my blood that day.  When she innocently asked me how I was and I said, “okay” to which she responded “oh, no you’re supposed to say pregnant!” and I in turn made a comment about how we have gone through a lot to get here – she just sort of shut up and did her thing. But before I left she said – It will all be okay.  It was sweet.

But was STILL scared to believe it.

There are so many things that that are different for me this time – I started writing Gianna’s journal the day that positive pregnancy test showed up in my bathroom.  I took pictures every single week. I wasn’t afraid. 

At our 12 week ultrasound, when I saw this little person flipping around with a strong heartbeat – it hit me.

I can’t let our experience, our journey to get to this beautiful place, steal the joy I should be feeling. Because so far – everything looks beautiful and is moving along normally.  Even though the pure innocence and happiness that I experienced from the second I got pregnant with Gianna is gone, the joy and love I feel for this child are very much real and present.  I just have to let myself feel them.

Secondary infertility may have stolen my innocence in the beginning – but I’m claiming back my joy because we ARE here, we DID make it. And no matter what, this is a NEW journey – separate and distinct from all the others.