Saturday, August 20, 2011

Mommy Guilt: Here we go again

I spent nine months as a stay at home mom.
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Nine months learning all about this little person that belongs to me.
Teaching, laughing, smiling, talking and hanging out with a pretty hilarious toddler.
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And now, I am back to only doing those things for roughly 2 hours each evening and on the weekends.
One thing that comes along with going back to work is the resurgence of Mommy Guilt.  I‘ve felt it before – and I had a feeling it would be back.

Except this time, it is so.much.worse. 

Before, the only time I knew at home with Gianna was maternity leave, and that was really not at all sunshine and roses. This time, I was able to have an awesome time home with her perfectly paired with both professional & personal time.

I now have a full-time job AND my own business to maintain on top of my job as mommy and wife. Both of these things come with a price – the price of being gone many hours a day & even going days without seeing my girl. Shuffling Gianna between home and grandma’s house several times a week so that she can be properly watched after while both myself and Mike struggle to coordinate our work schedules and commitments.

The days/evenings that are left I don’t want to leave her with anyone, I want her all to myself. I want to wake up with her and snuggle her in the morning. And have dance parties in our jammies. And just generally take her wherever I go to make up for all the time we don’t have together. that is going to take a toll on date nights and nights out with friends because I’m just not willing to miss out on time with my peanut.

I keep thinking that as things slow down, the social life will get back to it’s previous level of mediocrity. But “when things slow down” is really a hilarious statement – there is no lull in the activity until at least the 1st of the year and who knows what we will have gotten into by then!

I am blessed to have a family who adores her – and watches her more than I ever imagined would be necessary – if it wasn’t for them, the guilt would surely be overwhelming.  I am blessed to be in the position that I am both with this new job and with my business as they are both making things possible that I feared might never be.  I am blessed to have a business that allows me to meet women regularly and hang out with friends at least once a month. I am blessed to have a husband who puts up with my crazy and supports everything that I do.

But when you see your daughter after 2 long days of work and she says “I missed my mommy. Can we go home now?” How can the guilt NOT surface?

I have said many times when discussing starting your own business with women/moms, it is not a question of what you are doing TO your family by choosing to work, but what you are doing FOR them by working hard.

Sometimes, it is really hard to take your own advice.

James 1:2-4 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."



VA Blondie said...

I am sorry you are feeling guilty again. I think it is the cross we have to bear as mothers. I hope this spell passes quickly!

PJ said...

Ah, yep. On Wednesday I go back to teaching and the girls go to a brand new sitter. I'm feeling kind of nauseated with nervousness about it.

And yet, I know I'm not cut out to be a stay at home mom. Nine weeks of it this summer and I find myself craving the buzz of school, the creative and academic stuff, and mentally planning for the year.


Rebecca @ Unexplained X2 said...

So hard...thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

Totally there with you. I also only get about 2 hours with my prince and don't want to give up that time for anyone else....friends' feelings hurt or not.

Mel said...

Motherhood becomes priority #1. That's just the way it is... and? the guilt gets even worse when you have to split it with 2 kids. UGH.

alison said...

It's hard, momma, but you're doing a great job. I hope things get easier (organization/house at least) so that you have more QT with your main gal. xo