Monday, July 12, 2010

the other side of adulthood

So, when you are a kid you have lots of best friends, right?  Like one a day or something, if I recall. 

Then you get into middle school and have only one new best friend a week.

And in high school, maybe you can keep the same best friend for a while? Or maybe not.  But the ones you keep are usually pretty sweet and stay for a long long time.

I am lucky – I have one best friend from when I was FIVE! I am sure we were best friends and best enemies weekly for a long stretch there, but now, we are good.  We don’t talk much anymore what with stupid grown up shit in the way, but I know I can trust her and talk to her anytime I want to or need to. 

There is also the best friend I have had since birth. And the other one I have had since she was birthed.  My sisters and I are closer than close. I love them. I trust them. My life would literally crumble without them.

So, aside from those 3 people (and my husband, who is also a bestie), I have few people I consider real “best” friends.  I have lots of friends who I love and hang out with, but we haven’t gotten to the “life trusting” stage yet.

I had one person I was very close to, who disagreed with a decision I made in my life, and we just kind of stopped being friends. Until recently, we talk now but I haven’t actually seen her in YEARS!  We both grew a lot in our time “apart” and it is really nice having her in my life again, even if it is in a long distance type of way.

I also had 2 BFF’s, since high school.  One moved to Florida, but she is definitely still a BFF!  We are both not phone people, so we text and email and again – if she needs anything or vice versa, just consider it done.  I love her to pieces.  And it totally sucks that she moved far from me, but is totally sweet because HELLO? Florida vacay anyone?

The other BFF? Things happened, trust was broken, friendship ended. Which is really sucky because her daughter happens to be our goddaughter.  Seriously, when things went south between us, it felt like I was getting a divorce. I still miss her and I miss her daughter like crazy.  It’s hard to be so close to someone and trust them wholly (maybe that is a bad idea?) and then *poof* be mad at them forever and ever and never think of them again.  I can’t do that. I have no room in my life for drama or ridiculous behavior, but also? I am a forgiver by nature.  I always think “maybe I can just try to forgive the situation and we can still be friends” but I am not a forgetter.  So, really, it probably wouldn’t work out too wonderfully.  I recently emailed this friend to check on her daughter and just say hi, thinking of her etc.  I found myself wanting to open up and share what has been going on in our lives (hello! we were BFF’s for like 7 years or something who talked every day) but I held back.  Trying to just make it about the kids. (see? it IS like we got divorced. except I was denied visitation) .  Such an awkward and shitty situation to be in – and honestly, I have yet to see the “reason” (at least in respect to our friendship) behind what happened here, so that makes me just that much more frustrated by the whole sitch.

I don’t like this part of adulthood. The part where things can hurt you so badly that you can never go back.  Back in the day if she would have stolen my gummy bears, I would have written her a mean note, we would have hugged kissed and made up in all of 15 minutes.  Now? Not so much. I mean I can still write a mean note but who cares?  I can’t forget the things that have happened/been said, so I have to move forward.  So I will continue to mourn the friendship that is over, hope for better things in the future and that is pretty  much that.

It’s just hard to “start over” with friendships in your 20’s since most people are not restricted by 7pm bedtimes and temper tantrums. 



Danifred said...

I can totally relate to this. I find that the older I get, the harder it is to make connections with people that are meaningful. I can't help but put my family first and those without kids just don't always get it. It's definitely a tough one.

Rebecca said...

It's hard to have friend *period* when you have kids! Who has the time/energy/ability to make a phone call?

Thank God for texting and emailing, right? I'd lose so many friends if it weren't for those two communication paths.

Kristen said...

A divorce - that's the perfect way to describe it. I had a falling out a few years ago w/a very close friend and it still feels like such a huge loss. The older I get, the more I realize how rare and special true friendships are and it makes me so sad to have lost someone I considered a real friend. Yet I can't figure out a way to heal that relationship, too much has happened between us to move forward. I don't know what the answer is, other than to value even more the friendships you still have.

renee said...

i think a big part of our "falling out" was b/c we had maria so young. we WANTED to come to all of your parties and do all the fun stuff, but we had a baby to deal with. and we ended up taking sophia home from the nicu the day before your bridal shower, which i felt like upset you that i wasnt there. and yes, we were having some trouble with that one descision/person. It was a whole mess of stuff all piled up. I feel like when we had maria our friendships with a lot of ppl went by the wayside a little bit b/c obviously she was the most important thing to us. and it was hard to split our time in that way. it was the "one" downfall of having her at 20 lol. But I can definitely say that i have grown a TON and I am very sorry about those years that we weren't friends. I don't have to agree with your descisions to be your friend. I see now that I was being a little like my mom in that way. I love you and I am thankful that we are friends again (even if it is "long distance") and i am sooo happy that mike is stepping up and being a good dad and husband. That is honestly all I ever wanted for you. I was just scared that he would hurt you again. but that was something I should have kept to myself.
ps you don't need to publish this lol.

kim said...

i have to say that I am tired of this stupid grown up shit myself.....every once in a while I wish life was as simple for us as it was back in the good old days. But....unfortunatley life doesn't work that way and I know we have (and still are) both accomplishing things in our lives we wouldn't change. I do miss you though! And am waiting for the day we dont have all these obstacles in the way! Love you!