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Thursday, July 24, 2008

outlook [and no i am not talking about your email]

i met with a really good friend today to discuss our futures - we are both in the same situation right now. almost. she is taking the test again in 3 weeks, that is the difference - i am so proud of her for doing it again so soon, it's draining to no end.

and then i talked to an equally good friend on the phone - she wants to make me comfort food. i would be silly not accept, no? she is a good cook! but she thinks i am amazing - i also would be silly not agree, no?!! ;)

remember how i said a few days ago that everyday i wake up and feel something different - today i felt defeated. that is ok. but i have to know that I did my best, tried my hardest and sometimes - it doesn't work out. TODAY I have to keep working hard - nothing can change the past - but only I can change the future. [unless you know of a go-back-in-time-machine, then lets chat] It is beyond frustrating to know that one day there was a perfectly laid plan, and in hours that plan got ran through the shredder. There are quite a few scary things left ahead of me: a mountain of student loans to pay off in the not so distent future, big career choices to make, personal satisfaction to answer to, that effin debt..... i know that it will all get taken care of, i don't really know how, but i am sure that it will. because i have to be, otherwise i would be a wreck. I guess that has always been how i looked at struggle - only one way up and no way down. I am a good emotions hider, but my outlook on this situation is still pretty rocky - the only thing for sure is - I need a job [for the loans...]

my good buddy jenm asked me what my degree is in - science. and what i have experience in - medicine. ok duh! and research, working with special needs children and adults, writing papers/grants, research. I am lucky that I worked and that I have experience - I hope that it takes me someplace unexpected!

13 comments:

Amy said...

Yeah we really are in similar situations right now. I know that things are going to be ok and will all work out in the end. But right now I too just feel overwhelmed. I need a job soon. But I find it horribly despressing looking through the want ads. I'm supposed to be a teacher not working in some office. Ugh. I'll be praying for you. God has a perfect plan for both of us.

VA Blondie said...

I think your previous life, work, and academic experiences will open doors for you that may surprise you. Hopefully you will find what makes you happy.

I think it is all right to grieve for what you feel you have lost. This is a major change. From what I can see, you have not failed, you were just not right for that career path. You will find what you want to do.

I am holding you in the light...

Kymberli said...

Having things up in the air and all of the "not knowing" is what makes these in-between times so difficult. One moment you're uplifted knowing that you have the freedom to make choices, and the next moment you're in the dumps because those choices are unclear and mysterious. You'll find your way or your way will find you. I just know it.

Dreams Come True said...

Having fantastic friends to help us to feel better when we are down is one of the greatest blessings in the world. I am glad that you have 2 of them!

Wishing you luck as you figure out what exactly you want to do, and how to pay off all those pesky loans. (Believe me, I'm hiding under a mountain of those myself!)

Anonymous said...

I cannot imagine how lost you must feel at times- you are awesome for getting through this! I mean, you've thought for YEARS that you'd be a doctor and you've been working through the BD/MD program since the moment you graduated from high school. To suddenly stand on uncertain ground, and possibly change out of this, is a HUGE LIFECHANGING thing. Wonderful to see you're working through the emotions. ((HUGS))

KC said...

I can relate on some of this stuff. I can completely understand the school loan thing, I went to school for 2 1/2 years and have a $30,000 loan to show for it. Nice huh? Makes me almost wanna go back and finish sometime real soon, NOT.

As far personal satisfaction, I can relate too. While I have a decent job that I can't really complain about its not what I want to do for the rest of my life nor is it anything I am interested in or satisfying in any shape or form. I want something more.....but to do that, I need that oh so expensive degree.

I am 30 and still unsure of career decisions but my bills are getting paid.

I hope you find happiness in whatever it is you decide to do. Know that you don't need to make a life changing decision overnight. Take some time and try lots of stuff. Then do what makes you happy.

Sorry so long.

Martha said...

Best Wishes to you and thanks for sharing. Visiting from ILCW.

seriously? said...

Here from ICLW. I understand feeling lost and not knowing where career and life satisfaction lies. I went to graduate school, finished, and work in a field I dislike.

I wish you sucesse on your journey. I think you are very brave

Hope2morrow said...

Here from ICLW.... I hope things improve for you. I hope you find you way up and out.... Good luck!

Tiffanie said...

just checking in on you. i replied to your pm on the board. let me know if i can help more.

Alessandra said...

Hi! Your blog layout looks so cute. I enjoyed reading your blog this morning.

A visitor from ICLW

Sassy said...

Good luck with the job hunting. I hope you find somewhere that enriches you soon. It can be so hard to put yourself out there on the job market.

In the meantime, spoil yourself and give yourself time to grieve. It's a huge change and it will take you time to get through it.

Amy said...

Just returning your comment. I swear every time I read your blog I think "Oh my goodness! That is so me!" Praying we both find our way. :)