Monday, August 2, 2010

Not Convinced

If you have been reading for awhile, you might know that I used to be in medical school.  And that a little over a year ago I officially withdrew from medical school.

This was a freaking hard decision to make. 

I spent most of my time in school convincing myself that that is where i wanted to be and that I really DID want to be a doctor.

I have spent most of my time after school convincing myself that I do NOT want to be a doctor and that I made the right decision.

I KNOW that I made the right decision, but sometimes, when I talk with my friends or feel really frustrated in my current position (professionally & financially) I think about how right now I should be practicing medicine.  I could have been a pediatrician.  I am afraid that I will be haunted by this decision forever, especially when things get tough in life. 

Then I think about how miserable I was those years.  How frustrated I was.  How I didn’t feel connected to that job.  If I was in that position, I would not get to see my baby (or maybe, I wouldn’t even have her) much, or my husband.  I would probably be just as frustrated with life, just for different reasons.

My current job? Is not at all where I want to be professionally.  I am currently on the hunt for something more.  Something that will allow me to be more involved in medicine, more involved with people, more engaged intellectually and more challenged.  I have considered using a recruiter to help with this but know nothing about how to go about it.  Especially because I have no idea where I want to go with my professional life.  The only positive about where I work, they are very flexible with my schedule which lets me be home more.  My cons list grows daily. 

No one wants to spend their work day hating their job.  If I am going to spend all that time away from my child(ren), I want to feel like I am DOING something.  I want to enjoy it.  I want to feel accomplished. 


I heard the Kenny Chesney song “Never Wanted Nothing More” on the way home the other night and it made me tear up because I made the decision not to continue in medicine because I was unhappy.  And my current work situation is making me unhappy. But my family? My life in general? It is good.  I need to say these lyrics to myself every morning. Because they are true.

Well I'm what I am and I'm what I'm not
I'm sure happy with what I've got
I live to love and laugh a lot
And thats all I need



Anonymous said...

Ya Med school is probably one of the very few things that would be very very hard to get back into... you'd definitely have to redo your two years. That being said... you'll find your place, and who knows... maybe someday that place will be in a pediatrician's office as a PA or something of that sort? Or, even a doc again someday. You're doing a fine job in life Andrea.

andrea said...

I don't want to get back into medical school. I want to use the degree I am currently seaking to be a part of medicine, in a different way. Maybe one day that will mean more school, maybe not.
Life is a rollercoaster, I just need to learn to enjoy the bumpy ride a little bit more.

VA Blondie said...

I also struggled with what to do with my life. I thought it included graduate school and a PhD. Then I thought it would involve teaching. Eventually I worked with a counselor who helped me figure it out. That is how I ended up going to nursing school and becoming a nurse. And I love it!

Counseling really helped me work out what I wanted to do. Is there any way you could see a counselor to help you figure this out?
just a thought.

Rebecca said...

Keep'll find it. Sometimes it just takes a little longer for it to come into your field of vision.