Sunday, August 9, 2009


When I was pregnant, I was really excited to finally have a baby.
But I did not have a deep connection with the baby growing inside of me, despite the letters I wrote to her and the times I would just sit and read or talk to her. It didn't feel real to me, I didn't feel any different if you don't count how humongous I got those 9 months. And, while yes, I was inwardly excited, you may not have gotten the impression that I was anxiously anticipating meeting that little person by the emotions I showed. (I am not the most expressive of people in that sense, I might tell you how I feel, but I am hard to read in some ways - or so I've been taught)

I had all kinds of thoughts running through my head - What will she look like? Will she like me? Will I do OK? Will I even KNOW what to do? HOW will I know? I think it might be scary to have this baby on the outside....

And then, she was here. My whole world turned upside down. And you know what? I figured it all out, all on my own, because that is what I do.

BUT I still didn't feel it.

You know, that "I would give up my life for you" kind of love that you are supposed to immediately feel once you conceive and then birth a beautiful little human? I didn't have that. I didn't have it when I was pregnant and I didn't have it right when she was born.... or for a few months.... I LOVED her absolutely. I would do anything to make sure she was safe and healthy and happy because she is my CHILD.

BUT, in a fire, I probably would have saved my husband first.

Until about 2 weeks ago when I walked into the house from work and she looked at me and gave me the BIGGEST smile. She missed me! She knew who the hell I was! I melted on contact. The rest of that night she "talked" to me, laughed for me and snuggled with me. And as I was sitting on the floor playing with her, watching her eyes sparkle with innocence, and my husband was on the couch behind me giggling at her cuteness- I just cried. Incredibly HAPPY tears. Because this was one of the most perfect moments in my life.

That moment, THAT was the moment when I knew I would do ANYTHING for this little girl. MY little girl.

So, maybe it took me my entire pregnancy and almost 4 months of her being here to really get that "I would do anything for you" kind of love and maybe that isn't "right" - but it's here and it grows every day - so does it really matter when it arrived?


Joy said...

I can tell you that this is really a normal thing. Or so I read. I always felt a little out of sorts and not as " in love" with my child as I felt I should have been at first. Then she went through a small period where she wouldn't nap anywhere except on my chest. That's when it hit me. That super special bonding moment. After that I took advantage of that napping for us to have some special time that was all ours. Now she won't sleep there but we find other ways to be close.

renee said...

sooooo sweet! those are definitely the perfect moments in life that you will remember forever. it isn't always the BIG things that mean the most, it's often those simple things that stick with us.

JenM said...

What a beautiful post - you brought tears to my eyes this time! I know exactly how you feel, it didn't click right away for me either. You are a great Mom, and that little girl is lucky to have you.

Anonymous said...

Now you know how I really feel ---- x 3! Thanks for a four tissue morning! Love ya all!

Kara said...

oh my! I know what ur feeling.. in a way. I was really young when I had Kohen and I really felt like I didn't have that "motherly" instinct everyone had told me about..with all 3 of my kids.. it didn't kick in till a couple months after they were born. they weren't just a screaming, crying, sleeping bump on a log anymore. they truely had their own personalities and it was amazing! I would selflessly take a bullet for any one of my kids..and thats a feeling you only get when you become a loving mother..Gianna is so lucky to have a mommy like u!!