Mommy Guilt

If you read my blog, you know that I have been having a bit of a hard time dealing with the new schedule and new stresses in my life.

I was going through my google reader the other night and the last post was this one from 5 Minutes from Mom. Working Mom's Guilt.

It hit me.
This is my problem. This is what I have been struggling with for the past few months, the thing that has gotten worse over the past few weeks.

I am incredibly thankful to have Monday's to spend at home with my little peanut. But being that is my only day off - we end up needing to cram a million errands/dr's appts/chores.WORK [you know, since I am supposed to be working from home] into that one day - because our weekends are just as crazy.
Then comes the rest of the week. On a good day - I spend roughly 2 hours with her before she's asleep for the night.

Here comes the guilt.

When I am away from my beautiful little girl all day, I do NOT want to be away from her at night if I don't have to.
What does that boil down to?
I miss out on certain things. I don't go out for dinner or drinks with friends. I wait until she is asleep to eat dinner, work out, clean, work, study, shower etc. because the little time I have with her during the week I choose to spend dedicated to her (and Mike...). I am not opposed to being social - it's just hard for me to leave that little girl and once she's in bed, that's my time to get things done.
Maybe, if I wasn't gone 5/6 days a week and saw her more during her waking hours, I would feel differently. Hell - when I was on maternity leave I was DYING to get out of the house, put on real clothes and talk to someone who could talk back - as wonderful as that time was, I was bored & lonely! But, things are a little different now.
Also - I really do not like leaving her with anyone. No, not because I don't think they can take care of her (ok, well not always), but because she is my child, my responsibility and her father and myself should be the ones to care for her as much as possible. Since my husband works most weekend nights, I don't get out much since I also feel guilty leaving her with a babysitter.

According to my husband, if I keep this "loner attitude" up I will have no friends and will have no choice but to sit at home by myself every night. I am sure he's right. But at the moment, I see no other options and, if I am being totally honest, I don't mind how things are at this exact moment in my life. And, that in itself scares me a bit considering I have always been a very social, active, busy person. I still want that, I just don't know how to fit it all in and not feel guilty about leaving my little one. Am I the only who goes through this/feels this way? Because lately, it sure feels like it.

It's hard to please everyone and do everything in one day.

do do do it

I have been incredibly scatterbrained the past few days and I just need to put a few of my thoughts down. Prepare for the randomness.

• It has occured to me over the course of my life that without a doubt, I am a do-er. If something needs taken care of, I just do it - no questions asked (usually). This applies to every.single.aspect of my life - home, work, school - I don't say no and I RARELY ask for help. What frustrates me the most - is when I am running around like a crazy person trying to get everything accomplished in a day - and other people are sitting around with their fingers up their nose watching me. REALLY? You don't realize that when the dishes are dirty you should wash them?
• Tonight was the first long day for me - and it was horrible. G was crying, SCREAMING all day and I wanted nothing more than to forget work and school and come home to her instead of leaving her here with my mother in law. It wouldn't have been as bad if her dad was here, but since that wasn't the case, it was more like torture. I hope next week is better.
• We are taking her to the ped GI next week - I hope he is nice, listens to me(!) and we get some answers/a good plan in place.
• I am in shock by the amount of $$ parents blow on their kids to be in pagents!
• Things have been tense in my house - a lot of it has to do with our busy schedules and my first point... but the other part, I don't know why. I just don't like it.
• I really haven't talked to my friends in a few weeks. I should be more upset about that than I am. I miss them, of course, but at this moment in time I don't have the energy to put into anything else. that is pretty sad huh?
• Can someone just suck off these last 10lbs and make all of my pre-baby clothes fit again? OR pay me 1 months salary to stay home so I could spend that time working out since I don't have the time to get to the gym otherwise....

I promise a more coherent, hopefully whitty, post soonish!

Wordless Wednesday

I have NOTHING to play with people... NOTHING....

I heart Google

It's official.
My life for the next 2ish years is going to be directed by my google calendar.
Without it, I think I would be even more scatter-brained and bitchy.

After orientation on Saturday I was mildly overwhelmed but mostly comforted in the fact that I CAN SO DO THIS!!! The biggest issue will be time managment. Which, if I do say so myself, I am not too bad at when I try really hard.

Enter - Google Calendar.
I had heard rumors of all the awesome things it can do, but hadn't really tried it out myself. Tell me internets, WHAT WAS I WAITING FOR?! It is like organizational heaven....all color coded and wonderful. I entered all of the things I wanted to keep my life straight and the best part? I can sync it to my blackberry. So much easier!!

Hopefully, my employer will be feeling generous and take on part of the cost of this education. That would be FABULOUS. [which reminds me, I should really get them the info they want....]

Together, me and my google calendar will get through this school business.
But any tips would be appreciated - between working full time, school full time, mommy & wife - where did/do you find time for R&R in your busy lives? I can't figure out where to schedule in showering let alone running (ok, i did find some time for this - I need to lose these extra 10lbs damnit!) or visiting with friends.....

1/3 of a year old

In case you have been mis-informed, turning 4 months old is HARD!!

Gianna will show you.....

At 4 months old, she can sit in her Bumbo chair that we took of off our friend's hands.
She can hold onto her toys, when she is in the mood. She is really checking out her giraffe at this particular moment!

Clearly, she is advanced, already learning to read.....
or, just play with the crinkly book since noises are very interesting to her this week.

Gianna's 4 month well check was this week - she is a skinny 12lb 9oz and a long 25 3/4". Think, string bean. Or, built like her daddy.
Reflux - still pretty much sucks. We thickened her formula even more, let's just say I am STILL not at all convinced this makes an ounce of difference (ok, maybe an ounce, but definatly not 2). The consistency of her feedings is like pudding, or silly putty as I told my mom yesterday.

She's not interested in food yet, thank goodness for me because I have my own reservations about starting her on "solids". Any other mom's of reflux babies out there? I would love some insight on this - but that is a post for another day.

But, she smiles and LAUGHS and knows who her mommy and daddy are.

That is pretty awesome to me.

And clearly, all the development this week is very tiring.....

bring it, folks.

I have turned into quite the zombie lately - I feel incredibly unproductive and unorganzied and really, I don't know how much longer I can handle it. As soon as I get home, get my snuggles and giggles in and put the baby to bed - there are a million things to do around the house and that doesn't include working out. Sheesh.
But I also don't know how much time I have to make it better.

Because, Saturday, as in a few days from now, is my first day back to school. You know - full time grad school. Don't get me wrong - I am glad to go back and get started (so I can be finished...) but suddenly it is seeming very overwhelming.

Work all week... School until 8p one night a week and from 9-4 on Saturdays..... Train for 5k.... being a MOM.... be a WIFE.... and try to see the rest of the important people in my life. [I think I left out hygiene - I assure you, I will squeeze this in. And eating, I will see what I can do]

I know I will come up with a schedule that will work, and I am thankful my little peanut is on a good schedule, but it is very daunting right at the moment. If you have been around for a while, you know I do not do well with the unknown. so just bring it on so I can figure it out already!

But, speaking of school - I have so much to do!! I have to: buy books, buy supplies*, get my office organized so I can actually use it, figure out where in the heck these classes are, line up babysitters for Saturdays..... crazy.

You know what though, I might be busy and frazzled and bitchy sometimes, but every single thing I am doing is to make our lives better - so to me, it will all pay off in the end and I will do whatever I need to for that to happen. Bring it on I say.....

*I really like school/office supplies...like, a lot!

What Not to Wear

I got to go out with my husband last night. (woah, I know!) He was DJing on a Dinner/Dance Cruise and I got to tag along.
I am what you would call a people watcher.
And, people, there was a lot to watch.

I wanted to get out my own 360 degree mirror and hurd these people into it like cattle. It boggles my mind the way people go out in public.
We had the extremes - ripped jeans and a dirty tshirt and a women in literally, lingerie.
And everything in between.

It got me thinking about my own closet and the lack of clothing options I currently have.
Anyone who has seen me in the last 4 months has been subjected to my lame excuse for fashion. I promise, before I was with-child (and subsequently, without-child) I was fashionable. The clothes hanging neatly in my closet say so.
What I can actually wear? I can literally list it out for you

• 1 pr jean Capri's (that I bought after baby)
• 1 pr shorts (that I bought after baby)
• 2 prs pants for work (after baby, both too big)
• 1 pr khakis (that fit, but awkwardly big in places not in others)
• handful of skirts (most I had, 1 too big!)
• handful of dresses (most I had)
• shirts are hit and miss
• My shoes - thank the good lord those fit again!!!

My top half is reasonably dressed - although - my boobs never really went "back" to their prior size even though I never breast fed, so that may not be entirely true. My bras kinda fit like crap. I have 10/11 lbs to lose yet- I hope it all doesn't come from my chest.....

My bottom half is a hot mess. My hips and waist are incredibly strangely proportioned and I need like a half size in pants or something! One size is more comfortable but I look like I am the one wearing the diaper, the size below that is comfortable but eh still fits funky. Also, my underwear wardrobe needs overhauled. Just because it does.

I try to dress halfway decent and hide my "problem area" but you know, when you are trying (and actually, thankfully, succeeding) to lose weight it's a challenge because when do you buy new clothes? I am trying to be sensible with the funds here so buying new clothes every 2 weeks isn't exactly in the cards - but - I honestly feel worse when I don't look nice. It is preferable to my self-esteem to be dressed nicely in clothes that fit, I can't help that. Any tips, Internets, on making my clothes work for me?

In other news - I officially registered for my first 5k! September 13th I am doing it! This is one goal I am really ready to meet head on - I have about 4 weeks of "training" left and I think things will be fine. My only "goal" of the race itself is to finish without walking, so, however long it takes I really don't care! Slow and steady wins the race......

burrito anyone?

or, do you have a baby who MUST be swaddled or else WAILLL?

No? Just me?
Assholes.

Miss G takes her naps perfectly fine most days, no swaddle, no bottle, minimal whining, just pop her in the crib and out she goes for 1-3hrs.

Night time is a totally different beast.
We figured out this little quirk of hers at about 2 wks old and haven't turned back.


We started off just burrito-ing her up in the standard receiving blankets. *


Until she could kick out of it and then WAIL. Girl doesn't know her own strength.

Then we moved on to the life saving SwaddleMe blanket, as my mother affectionately calls the baby straight jacket.

And as this lovely picture demonstrates, that description is not too far off. But my bay-bee loved it. And slept like a rock. A ROCK I tell you all snuggled up in there.

Until she got too long.** And it summer finally showed up. And I have a sweaty babe.

At this point we thought to ourselves, let's see if we can just put her down sans wrapping.
And we were all three awake ALL night.....

Then we*** found these AMAZING things by Aden and Anais by Target:

They are HUGE swaddling blankets made of muslin, super soft and breathable. I mean huge, as in my long skinny little girl's feet are still tucked in there and straightened out! Tis amazing.

I wrapped up in one of these bad boys tonight and she snuggled right in and ZZZZZZZZZZ.

I guess the company is out of Australia, so they know about sweaty baby's who insist on the burrito.

*Yes, I actually have these exact Carter's blankets. cute huh?

**No, I don't have a pink SwaddleMe, but you should see that kid stretch a mile when you unvelcro her in the am!

***OK, so my husband saw them and bought them. Yes, I will keep him thanks. And, I looked really hard to find the pattern that we have b/c it's really cute and girly.

Wordless Wednesday

um, mom, what are you DOING???

Oh, you would like a smile? I'll think on it....

Here you go! I am getting so good at this smiling stuff.


Enough now. Put the camera down please.

moments

When I was pregnant, I was really excited to finally have a baby.
But I did not have a deep connection with the baby growing inside of me, despite the letters I wrote to her and the times I would just sit and read or talk to her. It didn't feel real to me, I didn't feel any different if you don't count how humongous I got those 9 months. And, while yes, I was inwardly excited, you may not have gotten the impression that I was anxiously anticipating meeting that little person by the emotions I showed. (I am not the most expressive of people in that sense, I might tell you how I feel, but I am hard to read in some ways - or so I've been taught)

I had all kinds of thoughts running through my head - What will she look like? Will she like me? Will I do OK? Will I even KNOW what to do? HOW will I know? I think it might be scary to have this baby on the outside....

And then, she was here. My whole world turned upside down. And you know what? I figured it all out, all on my own, because that is what I do.

BUT I still didn't feel it.

You know, that "I would give up my life for you" kind of love that you are supposed to immediately feel once you conceive and then birth a beautiful little human? I didn't have that. I didn't have it when I was pregnant and I didn't have it right when she was born.... or for a few months.... I LOVED her absolutely. I would do anything to make sure she was safe and healthy and happy because she is my CHILD.

BUT, in a fire, I probably would have saved my husband first.

Until about 2 weeks ago when I walked into the house from work and she looked at me and gave me the BIGGEST smile. She missed me! She knew who the hell I was! I melted on contact. The rest of that night she "talked" to me, laughed for me and snuggled with me. And as I was sitting on the floor playing with her, watching her eyes sparkle with innocence, and my husband was on the couch behind me giggling at her cuteness- I just cried. Incredibly HAPPY tears. Because this was one of the most perfect moments in my life.

That moment, THAT was the moment when I knew I would do ANYTHING for this little girl. MY little girl.

So, maybe it took me my entire pregnancy and almost 4 months of her being here to really get that "I would do anything for you" kind of love and maybe that isn't "right" - but it's here and it grows every day - so does it really matter when it arrived?

Child of God

This past weekend was Gianna's baptism. Mike and I have been looking forward to this for awhile and it was a very awesome, special experience for us. It was a very intimate celebration with only our immediate families, which was really important to us. We may not be the most religious people, we may not go to church every week, but we do have a strong religious relationship. It is something that we are always working on and will continue to work on throughout our lives, as you do with every relationship, and are looking forward to sharing with our children.

She did awesome through church and the baptism ceremony itself. I felt a very deep connection with my husband that day, considering that is the same place almost 2.5 years ago we shared our love for each other. To be able to bring our child into the religious community in the same setting where we got married is pretty special. Something that is additionally special about the day, her baptismal gown is the same one that I wore. And the same one that my mom wore. That kind of tradition is so special and just gave the day that little something extra, knowing that her great grandparents were with her in spirit through that garment.

Her godparents did a great job! Jacqui, my sister, is her godmother and Ron, our close friend, is her godfather. Choosing them was more difficult than I expected it would be - mainly because we have a few people in our lives whom we could see as excellent influences and role models for our baby. Based on the relationships that we have with these 2 amazing people, Gianna is in good hands.



Then, we had a party! Because we celebrate everything and nothing in our family. Being able to share this day in Gianna's life with our closest family and friends was really fun. And G even got a special bow to wear....

And her daddy found a new ride....
And we had a wonderful day celebrating and just being with our family and friends. In my opinion, Gianna is off to a very blessed life and we will do all that we can to be sure that continues.