Sunday, October 5, 2008

never say never...

some reasons not to do this:

-- i swore i would not buy the baby gender specific clothes no matter how cute they are or how cheap. we bought the cutest pink polo dress on friday night for $3.

-- i said i could never ever be a SAHM. the thought has crossed my mind in the past few days, too bad our check book wouldn't agree with this statement.

-- i have probably never worn the same outfit twice in one month. that is becoming impossible these days - i don't like it.

-- i also said i would not wear any maternity pants with a full belly panel. there are a pair hanging in my closet right now that are actually comfortable and cute.

-- i promised myself never to touch my belly in public/when other people are watching. i do it without even noticing, then i silently yell at myself for it until it happens again.

-- never did i imagine my life to be what it is today. I am thankful for where I am right now and who I am - but when I think about it, it is surprising, even to me.

these are just a few of the things i said i would never do, i clearly lie to myself. I am sure few people care about such things as these, but apparently I care more than I thought.
One thing that I said I would do and have actually been doing is keeping a journal for our little one of all things that we wish/hope/dream for their life - and what is going on right now. I find myself getting excited to write in it sometimes! I tell the baby about our family and when they meet someone new as an inside person.

There is one meeting coming up that I am not sure I will want to tell him/her about. I mentioned a few months ago that my "grandma" who I haven't seen or heard from in 5-10 years wants to see us (me and my sisters). We have all had a hard time with this because what grandmother would not want to be involved in her granddaughters lives'? I honestly never imagined seeing them again - because what would be the point? well anyway, apparently she feels bad about everything now and has been repeatedly asking about when she can see us for a while now. We finally decided to just do it because well, whatever. I personally feel like it is more of a business meeting than anything else, I have already felt all of the emotions I can over this situation and have nothing left to feel/give towards it other than my presence. It will be interesting.
But then I think about my mom and mother in law. They would never in a million years think of doing such a thing to their (unborn) grandchild/ren. I can't imagine it. Being pregnant and going through this whole thing makes me think a lot differently. I would never put my baby in a situation where I felt they could get hurt in this unimaginable way - so when the question comes up at this 'meeting' like I know it will about them seeing our child - I am not sure how to answer. My instinct is to say no, you will not hurt my child like that. But I don't want to say never....


Mel said...

i have found myself constantly contradicting so many things I thought/said before this pregnancy, too. I am amazed by how much pregnancy has matured me in that way! You just never know until you're there. That's my new life motto.
The situation with your grandmother sounds really horrible and I am so sorry you had to go through it. I will say I have had a lot of falling outs with friends and family and if it has taught me anything, it's that forgiveness is really all that matters. Whether or not you choose to let her in your life again is something only time can tell, but we should always forgive. People make the biggest mistakes in life sometimes and I am so thankful that when I have made mine, those around me were willing to forgive me.

alicia said...

oh wow, that will be an interesting meeting. I think maybe instead of giving her a yes no answer just say, you have hurt me and my family in the past, I have to trust you again before letting you farther into my life. So we will have to work on our relationship before I can answer that question! Just an idea for you! Good luck with the meeting, when is it?

polkadotmom said...

Goodluck with the grandma meeting. Trust me it is hard to do things like that. I know I hae not been in the same situation but it feels that way sometimes with the Blairs. I feel like why should I do this? Why should I let them see something that is so important to me when before she was here all they did was badmouth the both of us? Why do I want to let her gt close to the family that made me feel so horrible about something. But sometimes it works out and things are okay. I know I still freak out about doing things with them but they have shown me they are here for Mackenzie and have been nothing but nice to me. So I have to say sometimes people change. Also I love the other things you said you would never do. So cute! If you wanna talk or something let me know!

Red Headed Mama said...

It only gets better, I find myself saying numerous things to Aiden that I swore I'd never say "Don't make me come over there" or "Because I said so!" It happens.

As for your grandmother, I totally understand that situation and it's sticky...and it sucks. FIL and Jareds brother have almost the exact situation (and to a lesser extent so do we), if you ever want to chat about. It's rough...and sad but you have to do what's best for your child.