i sat down today b/c i felt like i should write something, but i don't know what to write *insert shocked look here* but i am gonna figure something out anyway...

it rained today.
on me.
that sucked.

my husband and i had an absolutly fabulous evening yesterday *wink wink*
and a pretty good one today so far (minus the winks).

i had a long talk with my mom this weekend about my plans for the year - she is less than happy about my decisions and is less than quiet about her feelings. I finally just told her how i felt, why i am doing this, and just hope that she understands a little bit more, even though I am fairly confident that she doesn't. Most people are very supportive, not to say she isn't, she is just trying to push me into something that i "have always wanted" [maybe or likely not]. She understands my point on some things, just not everything. It can get very frustrating when your own mother, who's opinion you value incredibly, doesn't want you to have the things in life you want at this moment --- baby, job, new career, regular life! I fully expect a not-so-anonyomous* comment from her over this too, but it's ok - even if we don't agree how i should spend my life, i love her anyway.

speaking of baby --- or rather TTC --- i guess this would be our TWW? i can't tell you i feel anything, i would be lying. mike made a comment about my boobs looking larger today - but w/e! i think my dear old friend is supposed to be here this weekend-ish, we will see her when she gets here i guess. It has been nice being so focused on everything else that I haven't thought much about what the old body is doing --- and i am sure i would have come up with a crazy made up twinge here or there to bitch about. the only good thing is, after almost NINE months of TTC (seems long to me) it's not getting old yet.... that seems good to me!

*speaking of anonymous comments, i keep getting them from someone out there and i don't know who you are... it's killing me! but i won't make you tell me who you are if you don't want too...yet!

a weekend of adventure

We did a lot this weekend - wedding showers, Mamma Mia!, fireworks, lots of shopping & cooking hiking - it's been pretty crazy since thursday. I don't have time to catch up on everything but the highlights since saturday:

We started off at the shower I have been planning for my most amazing mom. It turned out beautifully, everyone seemed to have a good time, my flowers all stayed alive and looked great, the food was good, the people were fun, the cake was awesome!

And I am pretty sure that Mom had a good time - the most important tid bit of all!

My beautiful family

The new extended version of my beautiful family

And on sunday - mike and i decided to explore nature. It didn't turn out exactly how we had anticipated [b/c i am the only adult woman besides my twin sister that i know who can not ride a bicycle...], but it was a good day regardless, and I got to take some pretty fun pictures.

Also - as an aside, on Thursday my friend who i talked about here, asked me (finally?!!) to be in her wedding! I am excited and glad to do it. It should be a good time, should be an even better time if I am pregnant by then! That makes 2 weddings for me next year, all before my anniversary. So about that job.... {she was also super super supportive of me about my decisions, like i knew she would be, and that was really really nice}

And last - thank you so much ICLW participants, you made my week last week!

outlook [and no i am not talking about your email]

i met with a really good friend today to discuss our futures - we are both in the same situation right now. almost. she is taking the test again in 3 weeks, that is the difference - i am so proud of her for doing it again so soon, it's draining to no end.

and then i talked to an equally good friend on the phone - she wants to make me comfort food. i would be silly not accept, no? she is a good cook! but she thinks i am amazing - i also would be silly not agree, no?!! ;)

remember how i said a few days ago that everyday i wake up and feel something different - today i felt defeated. that is ok. but i have to know that I did my best, tried my hardest and sometimes - it doesn't work out. TODAY I have to keep working hard - nothing can change the past - but only I can change the future. [unless you know of a go-back-in-time-machine, then lets chat] It is beyond frustrating to know that one day there was a perfectly laid plan, and in hours that plan got ran through the shredder. There are quite a few scary things left ahead of me: a mountain of student loans to pay off in the not so distent future, big career choices to make, personal satisfaction to answer to, that effin debt..... i know that it will all get taken care of, i don't really know how, but i am sure that it will. because i have to be, otherwise i would be a wreck. I guess that has always been how i looked at struggle - only one way up and no way down. I am a good emotions hider, but my outlook on this situation is still pretty rocky - the only thing for sure is - I need a job [for the loans...]

my good buddy jenm asked me what my degree is in - science. and what i have experience in - medicine. ok duh! and research, working with special needs children and adults, writing papers/grants, research. I am lucky that I worked and that I have experience - I hope that it takes me someplace unexpected!

realize

1 week from today my world went from all planned out to woah! where do we go from here?!! But, in the past 7 days I have realized a few things

• you can only cry so many tears in one day
• before the tears force you to look in the mirror and see who you really are [&/or that you are an ugly crier]
• people will support you and lift you up when you are at a low point, usually more than you expected them too
• getting opinions from others about your future can be good and bad, frustrating and uplifting.... you get the picture huh?
• my husband is my #1 cheerleader without a doubt


• when doors slam in front of you - you sometimes just have too look for the next open one
• i get bored even easier than i thought - and that makes me want to clean, which i hate
• when you haven't worked for a year - and have 1.5 degrees - finding a job is tricky
• i can still smile because even though life might not be going as planned, plenty of things are still going beautifully and i at the end of the day i am still me
  

rockin it out

that is what you are all doing blogging world - and i like it!



whoever said that comments are like virtual hugs - they are so incredibly right! i feel like i just got the biggest bear hug EVA! thanks much loves.



today - i had a job interview, kinda. it was at a temp agency that specializes in half doctors. ok, no. but they do specialize in placing individuals in the medical field. we'll see how that pans out - hopefully something will turn up, the women I spoke with seemed rather confident, although she referred to me as a "special case". whether special is good or bad, i am unsure.



every day when I wake up - I feel something new. today i felt hopeful, and then my phone rang and someone wanted to interview me. see how funny that is?

all i can do is my best, like always, and no matter where my best takes me, i think i will do great. adjusting is the hard part right now, but with all the support i have from [almost] everyone around me, i think i will just fine.

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oh ya, and the TTC process - i wouldn't say it's "on hold" but clearly other things are taking over on the priority ladder at the moment. when things settle down - we will be 'officially' back on the bandwagon, but if things work out in this dept in the mean time, no one will be disappointed that is for sure! [although no one is holding their breathe]