to test or not to test....

so, as it stands right now - tomorrow I will be 7dpo, i don't "feel" pregnant, what is that supposed to "feel" like anyway?!! honestly, i am intelligent but damnit i can't figure this one out!

i know there are 'signs & symptoms' that you can read about but really i think that the more i read about these kinds of things the more i can make them up! (the whole psycosomatic thing).

& Really - I am scared of the HPT!! I don't even want to look at them... I just assume they will be negative, no matter what! I don't know if it's b/c I am friend's with so many people who have had problems with infertitlity or if i am just scared. The past two months i have just waited for AF to come and that was that.... never peed on a stick yet.

This month I want to know sooner...

or do I??

The soonest I would test would be next wed or thursday, prob. thursday b/c that is closer to friday which is when AF is due.* (and i am less busy on thusday)

we'll see what i decide -- i have a test the next day, i don't want to be unfocused either by excitment or dissappointment....

this babymaking buisness is more challenging than i imagined!




*no need to see a negative sooner than necessary right?

He is ready!

I just have to make this a seperate post - the husband is so incredibly ready for this baby [that doesn't exist yet] that it almost scares me. The past few times we have "BDed" as they say - he has said "I think that's the one, it had to have worked that time!"
it's cute! I am amazed at how much he wants this - I realize it more and more everytime it comes up in conversation.
I feel blessed that he wants to be a father. I am always scared if I am ready to be a mother - I have no doubts that I can do it, I just wonder if I am ready.....

We have been trying for 2 months, I hope that it works this time, but if it doesn't, that is ok. I think we are officially in the "2ww" after today - so we'll see what happens!!

no turning back

today has been a better day.... thank goodness! i decided to take today off from school, i just needed to stay home & study ( ok, so i just really started studying about 2 hours ago, it's not my fault the lecture video's weren't up until 1:30!)

no idea why i have been so mentally out-of-it these past few days. i know a lot has been going on, and with the idea of babymaking - that adds to things i guess, even though this month i haven't thought much about it.

last night i officially scheduled my test date for the boards... scary! it's like the 'no turning back now' feeling - or the 'you better start working your ass off' to get there feeling, i can't figure out which one. Like i said yesterday, i did ok on my test (my cum. score is holding - needs to be a little bit higher to make me feel better about passing the year) i feel like i am learning, good sign. But on June 25th i need to know it ALL! EEK!!!!!

trying not to freak on that now, just focusing on each test as they come and in may we will focus on that test.....

the test

so, the scores are in - i finished it! :)

i got the same score as last time - ok by me!

now onto GI and hopefully that one will go up - that would be excellent and take the edge off....

tense

another test done.... hasn't been determined yet if i finished it or it finished me, but either way, it's done.



besides that - things in the dixon house have been quite the opposite of exciting this week. it started off good, going to see wicked last weekend and all :

it was a GREAT show and we had fun. then i started our taxes - thereinlies the trouble. realizing that my loving husband made as much money as i did last year, and i only worked for 7 months, part-time. can we say SCARY? or should we say poor house? i don't know.... it gets me all emotional and freaked out.

yes he has 3 jobs

yes he works hard when he goes to those jobs

yes he does get paid under the table sometimes, so probably we made more than that but STILL!

but NO really, we do NOT have money!

yes we can pay our rent, bills, car payment etc.... with my student loans mostly - i don't so much like this idea. I do realize that husband does not either, he just doesn't not like it as much as me. or something like that. So i think to myself, we qualify for govt assistance in the food dept - bring it up to husband - husband freaks out - not speaking to me fo roughly 2 days. Well, i think the solution to this problem really lends itself unspoken........

i love him, he does all the things around the house that i don't have time to do (thank goodness!) - but sometimes i wonder if i would like it more if he just worked more at a "real" job (v. his 3 other jobs - or maybe just 1 "real" job and he can keep the side jobs, they are good extra money - we need it at the moment) and covered our expenses w/o me having to worry.... yes in fact i know i would like that better. [so does he....]

lets hope things get resolved sooner than later (probably after lax season) but if they don't i am scared for future babies b/c hubband wants a house - our pittance can't afford a house..... hrmph