Saturday, January 19, 2008

Who are "they" anyway?

so, here is the story up to now......

2007 - was by far the best year of my life! I got married to the most wonderful man in the entire world, on the most perfect day, surrounded by everyone we love and it was amazing!

<-- see! we went on a fabulous honeymoon and when we came back - our goddaughter was born! that was pretty amazing! We love her to death, it is fun being 'back up' parents!!
I proceeded to finish my (second) first year of medical school [long story, for later maybe] and start the summer. My summer was wonderful - filled with more weddings - 2 of our best friends got married and a very fun summer job.
Then school started again.... it was challenging, I had to quit my job that i had kept for 5 or 6 years, which was hard for me to do, afterall i had been working since i was 15 so that was different. At first i liked it, but then it really started to bother me not working. I am married, I felt like i should be contributing something - and still do feel like that, but i honestly spend every weekend studying. Mike is now working 4 jobs - he doesn't seem to mind too much, it would be nice to have 1 "good" job, but I don't know, if this is what he wants to do then ok.
School starts to get more challenging in about oct/nov -- or i start to get less motivated, maybe both. either way, i start to do less than stellar despite my endless studying. THAT IS THE WORST FEELING EVER. So, i take it up a notch, or so I think, for the next test, but not really to much aide, I am still not doing as well as i would like to, or really "need" to be - and again despite the studying. This brings up to christmas break...... and my current state of mind:
"Am I doing what I love? Do I really want to be here?" b/c everyday I go to school, I hate it, and really I don't hate anything! I don't want to study, but I do it anyway - I learn b/c i enjoy learning - but I am not happy somewhere deep down inside. Mike made the comment to me that the day school started in Jan. I instantly turned into a different person - someone unhappy and sad - compared to who i had been the previous 2 wks, and that made me really sit down and thnk.
That isn't me! I am smiling, and happy and bubbly! I don't like being depressed and sad! I don't like making excuses to myself not to do something - I want to stay busy!! So I have been trying to decide what it is I want to do with myself, future and career wise. Maybe if i do better on my next test i feel like i 'belong', even though i do wonderful on my PE skills and love being with the patients - it's like i am cut in 1/2! And like i do alot of this for everyone else, and all they keep telling me is "it's only x much longer - just get through it..." that is the one thing i hate to hear.... b/c i am the one doing it, hating it, resenting it, miserable.... ya you get it....
Then last week something happened that made me realize i have to stop living my life the way other people want me to - I thought I was pregnant, seriously pregnant. We want a family, sooner than later, but it was always thought we 'couldn't b/c of school' - b/c "they" said so --- and now we are thinking, screw "them"! We want a large family, i want to live MY life, and i am tired of doing things the way everyone tells me to - so we are going to 'not not try' as they say.... and just see what happens at this point. We have talked about it, are ready as we ever will be - the kind of like i am going to lead is never going to be 'unbusy' and right now we have family around which is a factor that may change in the next few years.
So with that... that is the story...

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