Monday, January 28, 2008

Make It Work

This is what I keep telling myself, over and over again.

Just Make.It.Work.

What is "it" you ask? school, life, finances, family, frienships - but overwhelmingly it is school. I do not know why I have been having such a mental block lately, that is pretty literally what is going on. I am not not learning the material, I am just not consitently preforming well on my exams for some reason - maybe its fear of failing again (which in turn leads to failure) maybe its fear of the future, maybe its because i feel like i got screwed (oh wait, i did....) and i just can't get past that feeling.... but whatever of those 'maybe's' it is - i need to make 'it' work for me, to my advantage. I know this, I know that I am capable of learning and being a good student and probably a good doctor (ok really a good doctor) but i need to just [as absolutly everyone keeps telling me pretty much until i dont want to hear it anymore] get through the end of this year and take my boards.

getting through this year so far has been more of a challenge than i anticipated mentally, i expected the academic challenge. it's ok, it happens right? i guess. i just really do not want to hear ppl tell me to 'get through it' or 'this is what you have always wanted' and things like that - it honestly doesn't help, what will help is if you take aways some of my 'life' chores - so that i can focus more on school and have less ouside stressors, that would be blissful! and that is also what we refer to as a pipedream....

and here i am wanting to have a baby - complaining about how much i don't want to be in school and about how much time i have to spend blah blah blah - how will i have time to devote to a child many people will want to know. well, how will i have time in my 'real' life? it won't be any less busy. prioritize. family is #1 in my book, school/career #2 - that is just how it is, nothing will ever change that. i talked with a good friend of mine about this b/c she is in a similar situation, just a year ahead of me in school - she has similar worries - when will we see our babies, will our nannies/daycare providers see them more than us etc. but we can't worry about that b/c then we will literally never have kids unless we quite the practice of medicine. i know this, and i am ok with the way my life will one day be - because i will run it the way i want, not the way someone tells me too, and i have my wonderful husband to support me.

oh ya, and i had a test on friday, i think i made it work - i know i passed, i feel better. i feel like i 'belong' where i am, at least for today.

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