A letter to my {fourth} baby

Hi baby!

We are nearing the end of our journey together as just the two of us – the one where you heard my heartbeat from the inside every day as you grew. I’m sure some days it was beating much faster and frantic while others it was calm and steady – that’s just how life has been: a mix of the frantic and busy with the calm and steady. I’ve felt your rolls, your kicks, your waves and your hiccups. I know you best right now and I am doing all I can to keep you safe inside until it’s time to come out and show us who you are!

The truth is, I’ve been scared a lot while you have been growing, unsure if we would make it to the finish line where we get to meet you and love on you for all of the days ahead. I think that fear has kept me a bit silent, in general, but has had no impact on how much I’ve enjoyed this ride. You have three sisters (more on them in a second) but you also have five siblings watching over us from heaven and I really wasn’t sure we would ever make it this far together - but we have. Every day has been a blessing so far and we are almost to the end of this part of the ride, I have a feeling those angel babies have helped to make your rainbow shine brighter.

Gianna, Aleesia and Vivian are your sisters – they are excited to meet you and are starting to get a little anxious about when you might be coming. Gianna will love on you and mother you with her sweet, oldest of all, soul. Aleesia will want to hold you and snuggle you until she doesn’t want to anymore – I’m excited to see her continue to grow as an older sister. Vivian will think you are really cute but she won’t understand that you are going to actually live with us at first and that she has to share her mommy even more. They will each love you the best they can – I have no worries about that. I know you will love them too.

Your dad and I have probably not spent as much time focusing on you from the inside as maybe we have with your sisters in the past and it has no reflection on how loved you are, it just is how things have happened and maybe for a few reasons – our lives are busy and we fall asleep too fast when it’s finally quiet here and as a defense mechanism because we have experienced a lot of heartache in the past year. But we have really felt your presence the past few weeks – we’re ready to meet you and to know you and to love you with our arms wrapped tight around you.

There is no doubt that you are joining a family that keeps a busy schedule (two working parents, three busy siblings, lots of great family and friends to keep in touch with) but there is also no doubt that regardless of that busy – we are deliberate with the time we take and make to be together, support each other and love on each other as much as possible. We certainly have our own brand of loud, organized chaos, as I’m sure you’ve heard from the inside, that gets us through the day. There are parts of our routine and schedule that will absolutely change when you get here and while that makes me nervous, I can’t really anticipate just how much change will occur so I find peace knowing it will be okay – we are adaptable!

So soon we will know if you are another beautiful girl or our first handsome boy joining our family – it has been really fun (for me!) waiting on this surprise and I am starting to get quite excited to find out just who you are in there. We’ve only ever prayed for a healthy child and truly, it doesn’t matter either way – you are already loved to the moon and back!

My sweet, strong (seriously, I have felt your movements so strong and deliberate) little rainbow baby – join us as soon as you are ready because we are all ready for you, so long as you’re ready for us.

xoxo

Mommy