Bring on the busy(er)

Now that the holidays are over and a whole new year is here I feel like I can start thinking about the year ahead a little bit.

There are a lot of big events and plans and goals set for 2014:

• train for and complete the Run Nike Women DC 1/2 marathon in April
• start my PhD program (this one has me a wee bit freaked out)
• decide on where we will send Gianna to Kindergarten (just when I think we have made a decision, I change my mind again!)
• get stricter with our debt-reduction plans
• hopefully list and sell our house
• which means we get to buy (or build???) a new house

But! the very first big event of 2014 is a certain little girl’s first birthday – say what?

A lot of these things are “bucket list” items for me which is exciting in it’s own right but I am all of a sudden feeling very overwhelmed.  I think the anticipation of starting new, big, time consuming projects is worse than actually being in the middle of the business.

so, bring it on 2014 – the good, the exciting, the scary, the fun – I’ll figure out the how and when it’s all going to happen along the way.

What does 2014 have in store for you?

Friday Night Leftovers, maybe.

I feel like I have a lot of random to say today. 

• We are part of a CSA and I really love it - it has opened me up to so many new veggies that I would have never tried before.  But right now, I am drowning in veggies and frozen chicken that I NEED to do something with soon!
• Related: I also need to clean out the refrigerator.  I am sure something(s) is growing in there and I am afraid to find out.
• Related Related: It's been nice having fresh fruit and veggies on hand for baby food and the like.  I can't get Gianna to eat them to save my life, but whatever I guess.
• Have I mentioned that I started running recently? Well, in June.  I am supposed to run an official 10k next Sunday (if the national parks open back up....) possible a 15k in November and (if all goes as planned) a 1/2 marathon in May.  I don't really know what I am getting myself into here, but I do enjoy that little bit of time to be alone and clear my head a few times a week.
• I also have a pipe dream of running the Disney marathon next January. Again, I really don't know what I am getting myself into - so who knows if this will become a reality.
• I still can't decide if I want to get an MBA or start a PhD program....
• I did accept an adjunct position for the spring. And I am having second thoughts - not feeling super comfortable with doing it all of a sudden (it's been 3 years!).  If this isn't going to work out, I need to make up my mind NOW!
• I spent an embarrassing amount of time exchanging ecards and funny animal pictures with my sister the other day.
  
• Don't tell me that didn't at least make you smirk.  I
• Mega stuffed Oreos are sadly disappointing.  Double stuff or nothing, my friends.
• We have SO MANY apples left - what to make?
• How is it October, honestly?
• I have tried several new beers recently - all winners. Pumpkin ale, Carmel Apple something or other. seriously, yum.
• Clearly I had a lot leftover - so many things swirling around my mind these days.

Have any leftovers? Share!

and, visit Danifred whenever she posts hers  

What do you call it?

The technical definition of Infertility is one year of attempting to become pregnant without success. So what is it called when you are where I am? Subfertility? Secondary uterine-backlash?

I have had 7 cycles since my Mirena was taken out. with 2 early miscarriages. Lots of tears. Lots of anger and frustration.

And I feel alone.

And like the only person who can’t successfully conceive and carry a child.

When I say that nearly EVERYONE we are close with is pregnant/just gave birth, that is not an exaggeration.  And when I say I have all but lost the ability to express my excitement for them, that is not an exaggeration either. It makes me feel like a terrible friend, but honestly, the sadness and frustration are overwhelming and grow with each "announcement" I hear.  Of course, I AM happy for them - it's fantastic.  But it makes me feel even more broken and alone because 90% or more of them were not trying to get pregnant. That is the part that feels unfair.  The most recent "announcement" was supposed to be over dinner with our friends, which we couldn't make.  God knew that I would not be able to handle that in person, I think.  When my husband told me his best friend and his wife are pregnant with twins (their second natural twin pregnancy) I lost it. i would have never been able to stay composed had they told me, and they will never understand (thankfully) what Mike and I have been going through.

I think I needed to cry like that, because I really hadn't yet.

I'm not quite sure where to go from here.

Yes, We have one beautiful child who we love more than words. But this family is far from complete.

We have an appointment with our ob/gyn on the 16th – I set it up after my last ultrasound “just in case”, hoping I would be able to turn it into a pregnancy appointment.

In the back of mind mind, I figured we would be here though, trying to figure out the next step in this journey.

Except I don’t really know WHAT this step is.

We had the RPL panel. Normal.  We had the saline ultrasound. Normal. I've been temping - my cycles are a little wacky, but my LP is a predictable 12 days no matter what day I O.

So what IS the next step in this road?  I have been toying with cancelling the appointment because I feel it might be pointless.  But I know that if I don’t go, I’ll continue to be frustrated and feeling like I am running in place.

We, like most people, do not have infertility coverage. So I really don’t know what happens now. I know they can “code around” to a certain extent, but still, it all makes me a little nervous.

I like to have a game plan, I don’t want to walk in to the appointment with a blank look on my face, because I am not sure where that is going to get me.

If you have been here before, what is your story? What did you do next?

Any and all advice is welcome.

I need your thoughts

Have you heard that we have been trying to add to our family? Probably, huh?

We thought we accomplished that goal this past week.

I felt like I was pregnant. The daily pregnancy tests were looking good. I was nervous after last month, but felt okay about the situation. I waited a week to call the doctor, even. We decided to tell our families on Saturday, because we STINK at keeping secrets.

And on Saturday afternoon, the spotting started. Followed by bleeding.

Confirmed Sunday as another early miscarriage.

I really don’t know what to think.  I am frustrated. And mad. And sad. And confused.

My initial thought is to make an appointment with my doctor to just talk things out.  But then I think, what is that going to accomplish?  At my annual, which was 2 weeks after the last miscarriage, this was how the conversation went with the midwife I usually see:

MW: “are you trying to get pregnant?”

Me: “yes…we actually had what seemed to be a chemical pregnancy this past month….”

MW: “oh, well, that happens sometimes”

Me: “um…..”

MW: “so, let me stick my hands in your vagina real quick so we can move on.”  “okay, all done, It took you awhile to get pregnant last time, right?”

Me: “9 months”

MW: “okay,well I bet you get pregnant when you are all relaxed on that fabulous vacation you have coming up”

Me: “right….”

I left feeling a little annoyed.  I know it’s not the biggest deal in the world, but it was the biggest deal in MY world.

What am I even going to say or ask when I go in this time?  “So it appears that I can get pregnant, however my uterus is revolting – can you help make it a happier place?”

We have been at this for 5 cycles since having my Mirena removed, which I know isn’t an exceptional period of time.  I don’t chart using BBT – but I do chart CM changes, use OPK’s and PreSeed.  I am feeling pretty helpless and that stinks.

Any advice on what to bring up at this WTF? appointment?

TTC part 2, the impatient factor

We TTC for about 9 months before we got pregnant with Gianna. It sucked as much as one would imagine, but we had no idea how awesome the outcome would REALLY be, so while it DID feel like a long road, it wasn’t one that we necessarily were ready to race down.

This time? I know how awesome being a parent is and just want to do it again. Now.

I am feeling very impatient over the whole process. Maybe it’s because most of my good friends have recently (or will soon be) having new babies. Or because G interacts SO well with said new babies. Or who knows why, really – I just am! 

I am , however realistic and I didn’t think for a minute this would happen quickly, so far we’ve had 2 unsuccessful cycles which isn’t a big deal.

I feel like it took me those 2 cycles to dig out all the information about TTC I had stored in my brain somewhere – and last month I was in a different state than my husband when I ovulated [making this week’s BFN/AF visit not so damaging].  As much as I HATE the line “it happens for a reason”, I have to kind of lean on that right now for my own sanity.

Or at least use it to ease my growing impatience because in all reality – the past 2 months were not ideal in terms of conceiving. I have a better idea of my cycles post-mirena and feel more ready to actively TTC.  In other words, it’s time to get serious!

Gianna will be a great big sister some day, and as much as having another baby scares the shit out of me – it is starting to really excite me.

Praying for patience to carry me through this journey, as long as it takes, because I know no matter the path the prize at the end is better than I can even begin to imagine.

untitled

Generally, I am the happy one. The one who smiles at everything, laughs a lot and finds the silver lining. The one who remembers small things (and big things), worries, hopes & prays FOR others close to me. The hard worker, eternal optimist and planner.

My philosophy is that you don’t get anywhere without hard work, so there’s no point in complaining about it. Life is full of ups and downs so might as well make the best of it. Besides, being all grumpy and down in the dumps isn’t going to get me anywhere.

And then there are times that I don’t WANT to be any of things. I want to be upset, frustrated and just angry about things.

Now, is one of those times.

I don’t know if it’s the fact that the engine in my car is broken and we weren’t prepared for such an expense. Or the fact that putting an engine in said car is not at all financially smart but neither is buying another car. Or maybe it’s because every time I feel like things are okay – something shitty happens (car again).

That I often feel like I HAVE to be the one to give up things, to come up with a plan, to handle it all. (I know that’s not necessarily true).

Maybe it’s because things are just generally stressful right now – a lot is going on and not going on at the same time. I have had a hard time keeping my cool with my spunky two year old the past couple days and I HATE that. Which makes me even more nervous about our decision to TTC. I feel very unsettled with where I am in life – I need to just get over it and accept it.

Part of it could be that I don’t think I should feel the way I do. People close to me are dealing with BIG things – such as children fighting to survive – making me feel ridiculous for being upset over the problems and frustrations in my life.

I just want my family (and my friends!) to catch a break. Or a little extra strength so I can deal with the problems at hand. Or a large box of kleenex and a large bottle of wine.

Things will be okay, some day. But for this day? I just need to cry a little.

Getting it out there

Do you ever experience something and just need time to processes that experience before you can make heads or tails of it?

I have been trying, taking little baby steps, to turn my heart over to Christ. I have always felt connected to Him, I grew up Catholic, but the relationship didn’t feel very functional, if that makes any sense at all.

Over the past 4 or 5 months, I have really felt a need and a want to explore and expand that part of my life. I am timid about it and that is getting me nowhere.

The other day I had to drive pretty far for a conference, I spent a good 5 hours in the car by myself. I do all my best reflecting in the car and something came over me that day. I prayed. Out loud. (I NEVER do this).

I poured out my wants, needs, fears, hopes, desires – all of it.

When I was done, I felt this –and I really don’t know how to describe it- feeling within me – within my heart. I knew what it was. It was Him showing me where He belongs – where he IS. It was a pretty comforting feeling, actually.

My biggest problem is that I am a CONTROL FREAK. I like to be in charge of everything – especially my life. Which is HUGELY stressful and frustrating, not nearly as rewarding of an experience as you might imagine (ha!).  I envy those who are so carefree and comfortable within the confines of their lives. Part of why I feel so, unsettled, is the job situation. But I DO have a job. I have THREE FOUR jobs, if we are counting. I am a wife. A mother. A writer. A Premier Designs jeweler.

For some reason, telling people about this job has been hard for me – I fear they will think, “She was supposed to be a doctor and now she sells jewelry?” or “don’t you have a masters degree ::eye roll::?”

But that is my own fear, and a really unrealistic one, if I am being totally honest with myself. Because this job – is full of so much JOY and HOPE and FUN! I make more money than I did working full time and work about 1/4 of the hours, it’s legit, I enjoy the women I see and the lives I have been able to enrich. I need to change my outlook on it – because it is meaningful and fruitful. And it brings me happiness and faith.

Sure, I want to USE the degree/s I have – that will come, I have to be confident in that as well.

I guess all of this is trying to say – This is SO hard for me, but I think I am ready to jump in with both feet – to really hand myself over to Him. I am willing to put in the work, the effort, the desire needed because I know the rewards will be endless. He will bless me, my family, my business – and He has – I only need to open my eyes to the future and the possibility. It’s scary and different, but I know it promises to be worth it.

Friday Night Leftovers–on Saturday

I missed yesterday. Oops. Make sure you go over and visit Danifred though, and wish her a happy birthday too!

• Tomorrow is graduation. Very official and while I kind of dread going, I am also looking forward to it. I worked hard for this, after all.
• My twin sister graduates this semester too. I am so proud of her!
• I have a Keurig (which I adore) but some days just require more than 1 cup of coffee for which I am thankful to have my regular old $20 coffee machine!
• On the Keurig note – do you have a favorite k-cup? I need more!
• I love to do things for other people and I have a few, what I think are really nice, surprises up my sleeves. I’m excited about it.
• Sort of on that same note, if you have followed the story of my good friend, Jen – please be sure to check back here later this week. Some awesome ladies and I are in the process of putting together a blog-raiser (I couldn’t think of a better word) – a way for people who are interested to come together and provide some support for them.
• I planted some flowers today. Holy shit did we take REALLY bad care of our flower beds last year. Hoping to get some curb appeal going on this summer!
• And my mom planted me a little herb garden. It’s so cute!
• The student loan monster is about to be unleashed and I am shitting my pants over it. For real. That money has been “pretend” for so long, that the thought of it makes me want to vomit.
• I’ll figure out a way to make it all work, right?
• My little Premier Designs jewelry business is growing before my very eyes and it’s pretty awesome. So proud of my girls!
• I know He has plans for me, and I need to embrace this. But I am having a really hard time with it.

what’s next?

So you have successfully completed your Master’s program – what are you going to do next?
I’m going to Disney World!!!
Okay, yes, I AM going to Disney World (OMG! 28 days!)
But what DOES come next?
Other than cleaning my neglected, dirty house. Getting ready for Disney & taking a minute to just breathe, I have no idea.
I am in a really…weird? different? unexpected… place in my life. I lost my job, and that totally sucked. Until I realized what a GIFT it was – a gift to be home with my daughter every day, to start a new business, to focus and rock the socks off of this Master’s program, to explore the world of academia a little bit more.
But then there is the not-such-a-gift part of the whole thing – stressing about money, health insurance and doing what I can to make these things NOT stressful.
My thought processes after losing my job was – do what you need to do, apply for every job you can and SOMETHING good has to happen. Only it didn’t. So my next though processes was – focus on your degree and wait it out, when you officially have a Master’s degree, SOMEONE will want you.
I am thankful for thought process B, it was just what I needed. 
And now? I can not imagine going back to work full-time. I can not imagine leaving my girl every day again.  But something has to change financially and I didn’t work my big old ass off earning this degree not to use it in some way.  I just don’t know what way that I want to use it.
I guess I am just stuck. I love being home with G and I love being able to write, teach and sell jewelry. It’s not the most financially smart choice, but mentally, it just might be.  If I could find another adjunct position or a work from home position – that would be ideal.  
And then there is that part of me that wants to move forward with a phd…..
Clearly, I have no clue what I want to be when I grow up.

Bitch Session

I am what you might call, stressed. A hot mess. Stretched too thin. Over-committed.
Whatever you want to call it, I feel like any second I am going to completely lose my shit.
So I am going to bitch. Just this one time, and I promise to try and not complain anymore because really, it’s all relative and it will all work out. But I need to just get this off my chest real quick.

• There are 2 adults and 1 small child that live in my house, but a lot of times it feels like quite the opposite.
• I have 3 calendars – one for “life”, one for school and one for Premier. I need them all. They are each full to the brim of things that have to get done. There are only 24hrs in each day, so if I don’t sleep, eat or play with Gianna maybe I can actually accomplish each day’s tasks (but I can't give up any of those three things, well I give up eating a lot in leu of wine drinking).
• I would love to hire someone to do my laundry and deep clean the house. I hate those chores. But I also can’t just not do them, because eww, so they get done half-way.
• I would also love for a money tree to grow in the backyard because, well, we need it. I learned from the best on how to manage money/budget/plan etc but gas being $3.50/gallon is going to start screwing with my money management skills really quickly.
• Perhaps only females can see when the floor needs swept, dishes need washed, things need straightened up and children need bathed. I am pretty sure of that, actually.
• My office is a WRECK and I have no time to do anything about it except shift the piles of things to be done around.
• While I love meal planning, I hate cooking for one person since the other people here refuse to eat anything.
• It would be awesome if people (besides my mom and sisters) asked me how I was doing, if I needed help with anything or any other similar question instead of asking me for something/adding more things to my never-ending list. I feel like I extend myself to others all the time (which I enjoy doing, don’t get me wrong), but it is definitely a one way street in most cases.
• There is just so much going on right now, I can’t remember everything. If it is not written down on one of those calendars or a sticky note on my desk, assume it doesn’t exist because I will never remember. I hate that.
• I also don’t feel like I am doing a very good job on anything I have been working on because there is SO MUCH I can only contribute so much to each thing and when I am an “all in” kind of person, this really gets to me. This includes being a wife and mother.
• I need a mountain to stand on so I can scream at the top of my lungs. I think that would make me feel better.
• Treading water sucks. My legs are tired and so is my brain. I know it will all be okay, but is it May yet?

Friday Night Leftovers

• It’s friday! I am excited for my weekend, 3 jewelry shows and a husband who will be home on Saturday night!
• It is also in the FIFTY’S!! This is a YOUGE deal here in NEO for Feb. I mean, sure it will be back to freezing ass cold by Sunday, but we are enjoying the ability to have the door open and wear skirts without tights today!
• My mom is the greatest bargain finder who ever did live. She bought Gianna a bunch of new shirts (including fleece pullovers!) and new shoes for $0.63! Holy crapola, you can’t get things used from Goodwill for that price! She also got a freaking awesome new coat for next winter for like $4! She is my idol.
• Operation take pictures for Gianna’s birthday invites occurred this week. Was successful! I just need to get them to my awesome friend Alison so we can finish the invites!
• I really like Disney Junior.
• Gianna lost her shit when Mike showed her a PICTURE of “Cinda-le-la”. I almost cried. I can’t freaking wait for May to get here!!
• Starting to get stuff together for the classes I am going to teach. Starting to get nervous about it, but must.stay.confident!
• I am doing Project 365 again this year and a) am woefully behind in posting pictures and b)I think I accidently skipped 2 days. Oops.
• Our taxes might possible be almost finished after 5 days of working on them. Must have my accountant* review them.
• Have been feeling very “off” lately, like I can’t keep  my head on straight most days. It’s actually starting to piss me off because I am forgetting important things.
• The sun is out, before my crazy afternoon starts I believe we shall play outside.

Play along with Danifred!! It’s fun. Bullet points rock.

*my accountant = my mom.

Controller of…..

I am totally in shock that I have managed to blog every single day for the past month.

I started off with a theme of “taking control”.  I wouldn’t necessarily say that I stayed on task, but I did get some thoughts out there (here, here, here and here) which made me feel better.

Here’s the thing though – what does taking control really mean? Shit happens every day all around us that we can’t control, expect or plan for.  It’s all about how we deal with that shit that makes us “in control”.

I lost my job over a month ago, and that totally sucks. But I am working hard to make the money my family needs in new and different (legal!) ways.  I am making the best of the situation, because I have no choice. The stress that I felt while working there was slowly killing me, there is still stress, but not like that. It is a different kind of stress.

I get to stay home with my daughter right now, and that rocks.  It is way way WAY harder than I ever thought it would be, but in a good way.  It challenges me and I like a challenge.

I am more focused and in control of my school work.  My thesis project is ready to roll and I am more present in my education, I feel like it is money well spent at this point. Come on May, I am waiting for you!!!

I am so freaking busy every day, and I really like it.  I am in control of my house, laundry (uh, sorta), relationships and time more than I ever have been.

While I DO apply for every and any job I feel would fit my qualifications, I feel a little more in control of what type of place I want to work and what kind of career I hope to have.  My focus has shifted a lot.  I try not to be discouraged with the lack of contact from potential employers and continue to get my name out there. Someone WILL call. I am awesome, educated, a fast learner with a broad base of experience -  I would hire me for sure.

My point is that the glass HAS to be half full, because I would lose my mind if I thought otherwise.  I have to control my perception, sometimes it can be tricky and difficult, but if I smile when I am upset it helps.  Having a “good” job, no debt, a huge savings account and “good” health insurance are all nice things to have and certainly make life easier, clearly I will not turn down any of the above if offered to me.

But (isn’t there always a “but”?!)

When my daughter laughs, my sisters say something funny, my husband tells me I am awesome, my mom calls, I get to catch up with friends or my step dad plays with Gianna I can’t help but smile and be happy with my life because these people make it all worth it. 

As long as they are all here with/for me, I will be fine. I might be grouchy and afraid sometimes, but I will smile anyway. 

I am in control of how I perceive life, and from this perspective, it’s not really too bad.

Controller of MY Future

We all say that we “live with no regrets” because “our past makes us who we are”.  Whether you regret decisions you have made or not, your past WILL make you who you are, because, well, that’s just how life works.

I normally tell people that same BS line.

Truth is? I totally have regrets.

Regret #1: Not telling my douche-bag sperm donor to hit the road sooner.  I’m not going to go into the whole deal, but with him out of my life the past year, it has been peaceful and without heartache. I am blessed to have my stepdad, he rocks and I love him a TON.

Regret #2: Moving home after undergrad while in medical school.  Maybe, had I spent the extra money to live on my own, I would have been more focused and stuck it out.  I was always distracted by the people and things going on at home that I probably would not have been had I lived somewhere else. 

Regret #3: Not listening to my gut when it said “medical school is not for you”. My gut said this in undergrad, the first year of medical school, during year one take two and almost every day of year 2.  I just stuck it out, told myself YES this is what I want to do because everyone else kept saying that it is what I wanted to do.  What I WANT to do is work with the public, to teach them and to make a difference.  That does NOT have to mean being a doctor.  My heart is in working with people, I just wish I would have realized it 100k in student loans ago.

Regret #4: Not taking charge of my marriage sooner.  Last year was one of the worst married years we have had (which equals 1/3rd of them). One of the worst years as a couple, actually.  Bad things happened because neither of us were present in our relationship, neither of us were communicating and one of us was misbehaving while the other was disconnected completely.  I just went along with the shit and the frustration because I thought HE should have to work on it. It is OUR marriage, why I didn’t take ownership of it at that time, I really don’t know.  In the past 4 months, things have gotten exponentially better to the point where those bad memories are just that – memories and the curves that life has thrown at us lately are just road bumps in the scheme of it all. 

Regret #5: Not listening to myself. As if you haven’t noticed this trend from the previous regrets.  I have a bad habit of letting too many people influence my choices in life.  It has come back to bite me in nearly every aspect of my life.

So here’s the thing – I have made stupid decisions. I have lived my life doing what OTHER people said I should do. I have been a poor communicator. I have been walked on by people that I never though I would be. I have lost friends because they weren’t really friends after all.  I have let people disappoint me to the point of tears and anger. 

I AM better, stronger, healthier for it.

But going forward, I am doing what is best for ME (well, me and my family now). I am saying what I need to say, when I need to say it and not pushing my frustrations, fears, apprehensions under the rug.  I am realizing it is okay to be unsure, scared, honest and bold.  I am working REALLY hard to take the mistakes and poor judgments I have made in the past and turn them into an amazing future.

The biggest lesson I have learned – is to take others’ opinions into consideration but make MY opinion the one that counts. 

It’s my future, and I am going to own it!

Controller of the house

One of the things I have realized since losing my job and being home full time is how freaking hard it is to get it all done.

By all I mean: entertain the toddler, cook and clean the kitchen what feels like 58x a day, keep the living room kept, floors swept and toys picked up, getting the laundry done and showering. Not to mention getting my school work completed, articles written, meetings scheduled, job applications completed and turned in.

For some reason when I worked all day I just let some of it go, since I wasn’t here, I couldn’t do it.  Now that I AM here? I feel like I HAVE to do it.  Maybe that is a stupid idea, but the other day I tried to let the mess “go”, and I turned into a raging bitch because THE COUNTERS ARE DIRTY. Stupid, but again, control freak over here.

The other control issue? Our checkbook. I am the CFO of this house and am having a very hard time implementing the changes I KNOW MUST HAPPEN (like, not getting chik-fil-a for lunch) so that bills can get paid and I don’t have a freaking coronary.  We CAN make it. We WILL make it.  But going from having some spending money (no matter how little) each week to having none? That is a big change for us.  And? We have some things we need to be saving for/paying off and we can’t. And I hate it. Because it just seems so unfair. (um, because it is I guess)  I think we could qualify for assistance on some things, but I am going to be brave and admit this – but I am scared to apply.  I know it would help, but I can’t seem to call or go to the website or whatever.  I don’t know why, I just can’t do it right now.  Stupid, I know. But not ONLY am I a control freak – I HATE admitting defeat, or that I need help and can’t do it ALL.BY.MYSELF. 

So I am actually devoting this week to taking control of my house. Whatever that means, however I have to do it.  The office needs organized, the items in piles in the basement need donated/sold/trashed, the checkbook needs balanced and the laundry needs done.  And I am doing it with the help of my lovely lists. And my awesome husband (whether he knows it or not!) and the entertainment of my cute girl.

Friday night leftovers…on Saturday

• I have been unemployed for over a week. I don’t know what I really thought it would be like – but not this. Let me explain.
• I have been BUSY. BUSY BUSY BUSY.
• Busy applying for jobs (which holy freaking crap are some of these apps ridiculously long and just ughhhh) (also, it is very frustrating not to hear back from people or have a way to follow up with applications) (and, what the hell do I have to write so people will PICK ME!)
• Busy taking care of my princess, which has been really quite awesome and rewarding.  it’s amazing what you miss when you work full time and really I don’t know how I will go back to work now….
• Busy starting this new business adventure (if you live in Ohio, pretty much anywhere, I will so come to you and do a jewelry party. It will be fun. Cross my heart. call me!). (no, seriously. I need the help of the people around me to make this a success and am slightly disappointed in the response so far)
• Busy figuring out how we are going to continue our health insurance and pay the bills and all that frustratingly scary exciting stuff.
• Busy working on school stuff.  Am drowning in papers and modules to prepare for my capstone.  One.more.semester.
• Busy cleaning the house, doing laundry, attempting to cook and work out and you know, be a housewife.
• I don’t have a good schedule, Friday was the best day as far as productivity so hopefully I can keep that up.  My list of things that I have to do/want to do/need to do is growing every day.  Maybe I should be less ambitious, but maybe I need to just get organized.
• Taking deep breathes and trying not to freak the fuck out over this whole thing.  Because guys – losing the main source of income and insurance without warning sort of sucks. A LOT.  Seriously, I try to be positive and YAY ME! but really, sometimes I just want to cry and put up my white flag.  Clearly though, I have no time for that….

As always - visit Danifred to play along.

A sprinkle of happiness

This has definitely been one of the worst weeks I have had in a VERY long time.  It’s unfair, unexpected, I am sick and just UGH!

But if you have been around long enough to remember my last worst-week-ever, you might know that I am not a “roll-over-and-die” type of person. I try to smile through the pain.

There is ALWAYS a reason for things to happen, and damn it – I am going to figure that reason out and make some fucking margaritas with these lemons.

I have already started 2 part time jobs.

1 involves writing, which, yay!

and the other involves selling Premier Designs Jewelry. 

Hopefully these thing will help pick up some of the financial slack until a great opportunity to use my overly educated brain comes along!

Also as a “hey, sorry you got fired” present to myself – I traded in that stupid phone I got on Thursday for the Droid Incredible. And, it’s incredible. And it makes me happy and helloooogooglecalendar,iloveyousososomuch. (um, and I can probably use it as a write-off now, bonus!)

And, if I am looking at the silver lining here – there is a lot to be excited about - I can focus more on school, on my research and most importantly on my daughter & husband.

It is going to be a TOUGH transition for me, but I’m putting on my biggest smile, drinking these margaritas and making the best of it.

Because, why be miserable?

I have AMAZING people that support me, that love me, that need me and no body likes a Debbie Downer.

A week for the record book

This week has been ridiculous. In every sense of the word.

Let me break it down:

Monday: Woke up feeling crummy and running late for a doctor’s appointment with my sister in which I went to the wrong building and had to argue with the receptionist. Gianna went to her 18 month appt and got shots. And was crabby.

Tuesday: It was raining. Work was…. work…. and my sore throat got worse with a side of head stuffy-ness.

Wednesday: Woke up late. Dropped my muffin on the way out of the house. Voice was on it’s way out. Work was, work. Then at 4:50pm, I found out I wouldn’t be returning to work with no rhyme or reason given. I had to fight with them over my phone/phone #, I won the phone # but lost the phone.  A lot of crying, frustration and plan-making and plan-executing ensued.

Thursday: Voice is completely gone. I didn’t get my phone back until 5 and ended up relinquishing my beloved blackberry for a much less appealing Samsung reality. Have I mentioned that I have lost my voice and think I have bronchitis?  I have to start a midterm for class, clean and work on my capstone project.

Tomorrow is Friday. I am having people over for a Premiere Designs Jewelry party.  And wine. And chocolate. And wine.

All is not lost, but things are defiantly thrown up in the air and I have not a clue where they will fall. 

The future makes me nervous

 I know I talked a little while ago about how I never imagined that I would be where I am today.
The other part of that story?  I am having trouble imagining the future.

Maybe that is a good thing, since we all know that life is never as we planned or imagined.

Except I am a planner. You should see my google calendar and all it’s glorious colorful organization.  It may or may not run my life.

I want to know exactly where I am going to be as far as having a new job. Buying a bigger house one day. Because I will have many more babies to fill it. And honestly people, these thoughts are overwhelming sometimes.
First step to the future? Graduation in May. That is under control and on track. And holy crap I might actually be finished being a student (for now).

Second step to the future? Finding not just a new job but a position that satisfies me professionally and intellectually. This is HARD.  I am in the process of contacting a recruiter on the matter because I don’t know where else to begin.  I know what I am looking for, I know what I am willing to bend on and what I am not in a new position. My fingers are crossed tightly that I can find someplace that meets my needs and appreciates what I have to offer.

Third step in the future? Work on making more babies. I said in my friday night leftovers that I am not physically ready. I am not. I want to get my body in a little better shape. I am there “weight” wise but flabby extra jiggle wise – no where near. Also? It took us close to a year to conceive Gianna.  While we didn’t require medical intervention, I feel that the steps we did take while TTC (while who knows if they did or did not make a difference) puts us somewhere on the line that she talks about @ Lovely Lady Bump.  I am scared to death that it will take as long or longer for #2.  Or it might not. That part of the unknown makes us nervous.  Also? having to wait for steps 1 and 2 to fall into place frustrates me because mentally and as a family – we are READY to expand. To share the love we have.  And that part is frustrating.  6 months seems like a long time to wait to even start this journey. But, it’s only 6 more months, right?

Fourth step in the future? Be a supportive wife to my husband in all that he does and in the venture he would like to undertake. It could be very good but we have a lot of research to do.  He has always been supportive of me through my educational journey and it’s time to focus on him for awhile. 

The future seems very promising yet very daunting and a little bit scary right now.  I KNOW it will all be fine, because it always is in whatever way I define “fine” at that moment. But just for a second can I have a crystal ball so I can see WHEN and HOW these things will play out?!!

Not Convinced

If you have been reading for awhile, you might know that I used to be in medical school.  And that a little over a year ago I officially withdrew from medical school.

This was a freaking hard decision to make. 

I spent most of my time in school convincing myself that that is where i wanted to be and that I really DID want to be a doctor.

I have spent most of my time after school convincing myself that I do NOT want to be a doctor and that I made the right decision.

I KNOW that I made the right decision, but sometimes, when I talk with my friends or feel really frustrated in my current position (professionally & financially) I think about how right now I should be practicing medicine.  I could have been a pediatrician.  I am afraid that I will be haunted by this decision forever, especially when things get tough in life. 

Then I think about how miserable I was those years.  How frustrated I was.  How I didn’t feel connected to that job.  If I was in that position, I would not get to see my baby (or maybe, I wouldn’t even have her) much, or my husband.  I would probably be just as frustrated with life, just for different reasons.

My current job? Is not at all where I want to be professionally.  I am currently on the hunt for something more.  Something that will allow me to be more involved in medicine, more involved with people, more engaged intellectually and more challenged.  I have considered using a recruiter to help with this but know nothing about how to go about it.  Especially because I have no idea where I want to go with my professional life.  The only positive about where I work, they are very flexible with my schedule which lets me be home more.  My cons list grows daily. 

No one wants to spend their work day hating their job.  If I am going to spend all that time away from my child(ren), I want to feel like I am DOING something.  I want to enjoy it.  I want to feel accomplished. 

::Sigh::

I heard the Kenny Chesney song “Never Wanted Nothing More” on the way home the other night and it made me tear up because I made the decision not to continue in medicine because I was unhappy.  And my current work situation is making me unhappy. But my family? My life in general? It is good.  I need to say these lyrics to myself every morning. Because they are true.

Well I'm what I am and I'm what I'm not
I'm sure happy with what I've got
I live to love and laugh a lot
And thats all I need

Where do we go from here?

I have been having a hard time with life lately. 

Not one thing in particular, just an in general frustration. 

If you have been reading over the past year or so, you will know this seems to be a recurring issue.  It gets better, and then not, and then better again, then really bad etc.  Nothing out of the usual for anyone’s life in general, really, but clearly I am not a great with uncertainty.

I was thinking about it tonight as I was finally showering at 10pm after a full day of doctor appointments, working, playing, running errands, class, house chores etc. 

This is not at all where I envisioned my life to be 5 years ago.

I was going to be a doctor. I was going to probably never have children.  I was going to live the life of a busy professional who traveled a lot with her husband!

That vision started changing right before I graduated from my undergraduate college.  I wasn’t sure on the doctor thing, but I was going to just go with it because that is what I was supposed to do.

And, I went with it. Did really great at it, except I didn’t.  I had to repeat my entire first year because I couldn’t figure out how to argue my way out of 1 wrong answer on 1 test so I would pass 1 class, when I had gotten at least a B in every other one.  I was done at that point.  But I listened to those around me and did it all over again.

I started blogging during my second (third) year when I was really hating school, not wanting to be a doctor and really just wanting to have a “regular” job, kids and a house with a white picket fence.  Had I stayed on track I would be graduating next month.  I don’t regret not finishing, I did something for myself and listened to my gut, for once.  I DO regret not listening to myself sooner thereby alleviating the ridiculous amount of debt I am now in.  But, it is what it is and I have to just take away the knowledge I gained and deal with the rest.

 

So, what gives?

 

If I knew the answer to that question, I wouldn’t be writing this.  I am working a job that I like, but I don’t see myself with this company for long because I need more of a challenge, I want to be in more of a leadership position that they can’t (won’t) provide.  I want to feel like I matter, like I am making a difference and being heard.

I may not be a doctor, but I am just as goal oriented as I ever have been.  To a fault, actually.  I always want more, always looking at the forest – a good view to have in public health, thankfully.  My plate is always overflowing and never has it given me a problem, except it is.

I am not sure what I want to be when I grow up, professionally speaking.  But it’ll come, this much I do know, I have a lot to learn and I am ok with that.

I am the only income for our family right now.  I always thought I would be the majority of our income, but never did I think I would be the only income.  I can’t explain the stress that comes with this, or the frustration, or the resentment.  There is no question that I will do anything that my family needs, sometimes though, I don’t know how I can make it through one more day of doing it all.

 

I do know what I want to be when I grow up, personally speaking.  I want to be a wife. a mommy. a sister. a daughter. a friend.  Yes, I am all of those right now, but some days it really doesn’t seem so.  Most days I am only one of those things, and that is a good day.  And that bothers me.  As much as I try to put my attention where it needs to go, when it needs to go there, I fail at it more. 

 

I am surrounded by people who love me, who have not always supported every decision I have made but always accepted them, who stand by me always.  Without them, I would be over my head instead of just up to my chin in crazy. 

 

It seems that the only way for me to get where I want is to take the mountain road, while I appreciate the lessons, sometimes I don’t. I want an easy button, or a snapshot into the future that will show me that this all really IS worth it and it really WILL pay off in the end.  Because what if it doesn’t?