Bubbling to the Surface

I feel like I am starting to bubble to the surface after a CRAZY 6 weeks (maybe.) ((sort of.))

We went on vacation and BAM real life smacked us in the face when we got back.  Plus 2 more weekends out of town for super fun stuff.  And now we have all of Miss G’s activities beginning.  She has soccer 3 days, dance 1 day, and of course preschool 4 days a week! 

I am up to my eyeballs in laundry that needs folded.  Little girl’s closets that need organized for the next season. House projects that need finished and/or started.  Fall cleaning and organizing that desperately needs to take place before All Of The Things overtake our house. 

And, naturally, we have the  next 3 weekends packed FULL of things that we need and/or want to do – including the 1st birthday of my niece(!!).  I mean 2-3 things are on the calendar for each Saturday AND Sunday.  I have no idea why I do this to myself…but as we all know, I clearly enjoy chaos. 

I am officially scheduling the first weekend in October as a “stay home” weekend.  I absolutely cannot let myself make plans so I can get caught up and catch my breath.

I need to do some SERIOUS update posts on each girl – there is so much to say about each of them right now!  And a post about road-tripping with kids.  And about Mike’s birthday surprise weekend.  And a few other things that have been rolling around my head lately (choosing a Kindergarten for G, body image issues, 10k training, to name a few).

But! most importantly, I lost my ENTIRE google reader feed.  I thought I switched it to feedly – but I must have screwed something up.  So! I have to start over. 

What is a good mobile & web-based feed reader? I know I asked this before but I forget the answer.  And!! What is your blog URL so I can add it back and hopefully get back to reading what’s new in your lives (I feel like I am missing a lot of friends!)

{working} mom problem #873: Sleepy

Clearly one of the less than fun parts of having a baby is the overnight portion of their programming – not a secret really.  I don’t know any adult who enjoys sleeping in two hour increments, but it goes with the territory. 

Aleesia is a very inconsistent sleeper – sometimes she sleeps until 6am; most often she wants to snack & party at 4am but is usually back asleep by 5am; other times she is up every two hours for her binkie and quick comforting.

And occasionally we are up at 3am to eat. then with reflux issues. And gas issues. And finally, for a cuddle.  Then again at 5:45am to burp and snuggle in for the rest of her deep, snore-producing, sleep.

This is all fine.  The snuggles are adorable.  On the weekend.

During the week? As much as I cherish this slumbering babe – I would also like to be snoring.  I am cranky when I’m tired and that doesn’t make for a pleasant work day.  It also means by 11am I need to hold my eyelids open with toothpicks and wonder if anyone would notice if I laid my head down real quick.  I regularly look like I could either fall asleep, cry, or start a wave of maniacal laughter.  I may or may not actually do 1, 2, or all 3 of these things at my desk daily. 

Not to say that being up all night is ever easy or fun, but if I wasn’t required to functionally use my brain until after 1pm on days like this would be so.much.easier.  And – I would love to just sit here with this (finally) peacefully sleeping girl until she woke up on her own.  Except I don’t know if that is an excusable reason to be late (it should be) & my pjs won’t quite pass as business casual – so I need to try and stealthily put her back in her crib and hope for the best.  Or, just wake up her daddy to take over.

It’s funny how much of the newborn fog I forgot about.  Also, G was a champion night sleeper early on so we didn’t have too many long nights.) I really do feel like I’m just pushing through this haze of sleep deprivation/work/life/etc. and I probably am which is okay  - I know the haze lifts eventually.

I am trying to train myself to be a morning person to combat and embrace the 4am party time.  Let’s just say it is a slow process with a steep learning curve. 

Until then – I am accepting donations of strong coffee, under eye puff-reducing lotion & sleepy baby tips.

Feed the baby

We have had about a million issues with breast feeding in the past three and a half months.

Between the tongue & lip tie, the dairy issues, the reflux, minimal pumping output etc. it has been quite the journey so far.

I have not been able to pump enough for Aleesia to have while I am at work.

Which is sort of stressful for me. And discouraging.  But I just keep trying.  And we breastfeed when I am home.

I feed her in the morning and when I am home at night/on the weekends. So that is fine and seems to be working okay.

We put her on Alimentum as a supplement and try to give her 1/2 and 1/2 bottles.  Which generally makes her reflux & spitting up worse and if she has to have a full formula bottle, it’s worse than that.

My problem is I feel like I have no handle on how much she is eating, when she is eating, how she is doing etc.  Mike gives me the 10,000 foot overview during the day which is fine and I know he is doing a great job taking care of her. 

I just feel like I need to be more in control of things for some reason.   I don’t know if it’s because I am so tuned in to her slow weight gain (even though it’s okay, she’s allowed to be tiny!) and the other issues she has had or if I  am just being all mama bear for no real reason.

But not being the one at home, I am feeling a little lost at how to stay in “control” and make sure Aleesia is getting all she needs.  The most important thing is that we feed the baby, however we have to do that.

I am working on increasing my supply, but at this point it feels like I am spinning my wheels.  I do everything that “they” suggest and still I can’t pump more than 2.5-3 oz at a time max (that’s double pumping too!)  - but typical for me is just about 2 ounces. 

I would love to hear how others navigated a breastfed/formula fed relationship because that is where we are at right now. 

Pump Pump (again)

Tomorrow is my first “official” official day back to work. Every day of the week.  Which, whatever, it’s fine – I actually like working and OMGAH we need to figure out a routine around this place.  I am going to miss the hell out of my kids (and my husband, for that matter) – but it’s part of life and I get to drink my coffee & eat my lunch in peace five days a week so it’s not all bad.

The past few weeks where I have only been working 2-3 days I haven’t been pumping what the baby has been eating.  But I had a decent freezer stash.  Or not. Because it is pretty much non-existent anymore – which happens when you take one bag out a day and don’t put anymore in.  We have had to supplement some with formula when I am gone but are obviously hoping to make that an occasional thing, not a rule.

Again, we still need to work on our routine during the day.  But I feed her before I leave for work and I try to feed her when I get home – but sometimes she can’t wait until 6 so I just pump and then feed her before bedtime.  So far it has worked out the best to pump twice at work, three times if I can squeeze it in, 15 minutes per session. I have my reminders set in my calendar so I don’t get scheduled for any meetings, etc. I realize that isn’t always when she eats, but it’s the best I can do at the moment. Before bed is always the easiest option – or it would be if I wasn't so freaking tired! But I am also throwing around the idea of pumping on my way to (or even from) work since I have a long commute.

It has also been a bit of a challenge to figure out exactly how much she needs during the day.  I have tried to do weighted feeds with her to see what she gets while she eats as a baseline.  Sometimes it appears she gets 2-3 ounces, sometimes it appears she gets 1/2 an ounce.  She nurses for a LONG time (25-40 min a side, thankfully she only eats on one side at a time!) and just likes to take her time.  Apparently she also enjoys pounding down her bottles since it is super easy for her. I am constantly hearing “well, she pounded down that X ounces and probably was still hungry” – I am loosely throwing around the idea of switching her to an even slower flow nipple.   Regardless of how long it takes, or doesn’t take, her to eat – she still takes more than I pump in a day so I know that I (begrudgingly) need to work to squeeze in an extra pumping session somewhere.

I am looking for any other tips on helping increase production!  I recently started massaging while pumping, and that has helped a little bit with production as well as leaning forward a little bit so I can use gravity to my advantage.  I also recently got pumpin’ pals flanges which are SO SO SO much more comfortable!  I haven’t used them enough to notice a huge difference in production, but I am hopeful.  I do have a hands free bra thing so that helps too.

I am also looking for any other tips related to efficiency when pumping!  I always feel like it is such a process to set up (even though I do leave my pump set up all day) and clean up.  I have some medela steam sanitizer bags which are really nice.   I think it is always just going to be a bit of a process, by nature, but any tips anyone has I’ll take! 

And lastly, and this is going to sound totally ridiculous – how do you dress for pumping? I am a dress person, which is obviously not the easiest thing to maneuver when you have to hook your boobs up to a machine several times a day and don’t necessarily want to get undressed each time!  Clearly shirts/pants/skirts are the easiest bet and I almost always wear a nursing tank.  Any awesome wardrobe tricks that make pumping (and direct breastfeeding, for that matter) less of a clothing challenge? 

There have been so many challenges to this breastfeeding journey in the barely three months of Aleesia’s life between her MSPI, lip/tongue ties, her being sick, my low output, a million blocked ducts (and now a milk blister. fun.) but I can’t quit it – and really, I haven’t even thought about quitting to this point.  It helps that there is so much support available though, so thank you for supporting me and entertaining my questions and neurosis.

Pump Pump

I don’t LOVE breastfeeding, but I don’t hate it and it is incredibly convenient. I think we are doing okay, I am constantly second guessing myself about if things are working right, but I think that’s normal.  Or I hope it’s normal.  So, overall, it’s okay and tolerable.

Except when I have to pump. Because I HAVE to pump since I am going back to work. (April 1st…only part time for the month, but still. ick)  I do hate that.  Especially double pumping.  But that is really beside the point right, because it’s a necessity.

So here is where I need some help or reassurance or something.

I try to pump once a day right now, usually in the morning, I get about 2oz from one side/3-4oz if I double pump.  That seems okay for now, but I obviously know she is going to need more than 4oz a day! 

What I really need to know/understand is how much I need to leave for Aleesia if I am going to be gone for 10 hours a day and how much I should be pumping while at work.  I have a masters degree but for some reason, this confuses the hell out of me.  Or it just intimidates the hell out of me.

I want to do this for her and I want to make this work for all of us. But I don’t want to be totally stressed about it either, because I know that’s not going to do anybody any good either.  I would guess that she will take 4-6 bottles while I am gone just depending on how things work out and what kind of schedule we finally establish once I am back full time.

Things I am worried about: determining a schedule that works for both of us, keeping my supply up (this non dairy/non soy diet is rough!), being able to pump enough at work, not losing my mind

help me out fellow working mamas, what do I need to know/do/understand etc about breastfeeding/pumping and going back to work?

Who needs cheese anyway

Like most people, I SWORE I had parenting all figured out before I actually, you know, was a parent.

My family gives me crap all.the.time because I swore I would never do approximately 98% of the things that I do regarding parenting my kids. (I still find it really strange to type kidS!) 

One of the things I could never understand was how or why anyone would EVER want to give up dairy to continue breastfeeding.  Formula is fine, why put yourself through that nonsense especially when breastfeeding can be hard enough.  Ice Cream, Cheese, all amazing foods in my book.  And let’s be serious, what good is an oreo without milk?  (remember I had a baby with MSPI and reflux once who survived just fine on Alimentum and Prevacid!)

And then, I had another baby who I decided to breastfeed.  Who appears to have a big issue with dairy (and soy, I think).  Not a huge surprise since her sister did too – but here I am shoving my foot in my mouth again.  Because I gave up dairy last week. Without even really thinking twice about it because my baby is hurting and I would do anything to make sure she is happy.  And, while I don’t LOVE breastfeeding – I do enjoy it enough not to quit it just because I can’t have a milkshake.

Aleesia is less gassy (that girl had some horrendous smelling gas!) and her skin is much less red and blotchy.  She still has a lot of reflux that quite obviously makes her uncomfortable but it is slightly improved from what it was this time last week. 

I did cut out dairy totally but have still been eating some soy (in stuff, like soy milk in my coffee at Starbucks) and I think that the soy has to go also.  Which is a lot harder than just dairy, but that’s okay.

It is not easy.  And I never really paid any attention to food labels/ingredient lists.  But it is enough to make your head spin – and your stomach churn a little – when you look at the list on something you think should be so simple and there are about a million things on there that you can’t even pronounce.  I already don’t eat “enough” so not being able to calorie-load on ice cream or greek yogurt is crappy but I am finding some (not necessarily as satisfying) other high-calorie non-dairy alternatives.  And I really like almond milk, so that’s an easy switch!   There are also so many great resources out there of what is good/not good to buy and good recipes (that I haven’t yet tried).  I think the change in diet, while maybe or maybe not forever, will be a good one and hopefully will help “clean up” some of the junk we tend to eat out of convenience. 

The hardest part is just waiting to see a change.  and not comparing this experience to the one we had with Gianna.  I have been considering putting her on a probiotic as well, there is a lot of information out there that supports their use in babies.

While I am morning the loss of ice cream and greek yogurt and cheese – I am just keeping my fingers crossed that we are on our way to a happy baby.  and add another thing on to the “I had no clue what the hell I was talking about when I said that” list.

From Scratch

Aleesia has been here for a little over a month and, generally speaking, I pretty much feel like I have never had a newborn living in my house before. 

Or possibly that it really doesn’t matter how many children you have or how close (or far apart) in age they are because they are each different and therefore each time is different.  Parenting from scratch, if you will.

I am doing a lot of things differently this time, but still, I feel like I am totally out of my element in so many ways.  But really, two pretty major things.

The Sleep Sitch

My little peanut has a serious dislike for sleeping in her own bed.  This is totally foreign to me because Gianna slept in her crib every single night from the day we came home from the hospital. Aleesia wants no part of that nonsense.  I put her in there for naps and she wakes up by the time my feet hit the next floor.  I try to put her in there for night time and she wakes up even faster.  So, right now she is sleeping in the rock & play (that thing is AWESOME!) next to our bed.

I’m not going to lie – it is really nice in the middle of the night, I can just reach over and calm her and/or feed her without much fuss. And without getting out of my warm bed.  But also, I feel pretty strongly that kids and parents need their own sleeping spaces.  Any tips on helping her to transition/adjust to sleeping in her own room? 

She likes to be cozy – so we either swaddle her (even though she MUST have her left arm out!) or put her in a sleep sack at night, so that’s all fine.  I have considered putting her rock & play in her room for now (she likes the snuggly-ness of it, plus the incline helps her reflux) but I don’t know if that will just end up being one more thing to “transition” her out of in the long run.  I know she’s still teeny and maybe I shouldn’t make a huge deal out of her still being in our room – but it will be a huge deal to me when I go back to work.   And also, she sleeps pretty well how things are right now – she goes anywhere from 2-5 hour stretches at night.  Obviously, I don’t want to mess THAT up either! I cherish anything over 3 consecutive hours of sleep!

She isn’t a huge fan of the nap (although, she has been doing pretty good today) probably because she doesn’t feel so hot a lot of days.  She seems to have pretty intense gas pains, hiccups a plenty and reflux to boot (thankfully, it is not NEARLY to the degree that Gianna’s was at this point so I am hoping we can manage this on our own without meds. but, we’ll see) all of which contribute to her inability to relax/nap.  She sometimes takes small cat naps with a longer stretch at some point during the day.  Almost always the longer stretch is laying on me, occasionally she’ll stay asleep in her swing for an hour or so.  Again, not a huge deal right now – but I’d LOVE for her to nap in her crib  (or in the swing, I guess) for Mike when I am at work!  I’m sure she’ll learn to appreciate the nap eventually.

The Breastfeeding Sitch

This is all new territory for me so I am obviously learning this from scratch.  Overall, it’s going well.  She gets kind of lazy with her latch, so we are working on that.  I am not used to the “schedule” or rather, lack of schedule, associated with breastfeeding.  Aleesia will feed from anywhere between 10 and 40  minutes at a time and go 1.5 – 4 hours (at night, mainly) between feedings.  I’m sure she is getting enough, but the Type A part of me feels this need to know EXACTLY how much she eats each time (mostly because I need to make sure I pump enough for her).  I did do a weight before/after feeding with her last week and she only ate about an ounce that time.  Who knows if that is normal for her.  I don’t LOVE it or anything – but it is working so far.  I have noticed her reflux and fussiness (and possibly some dermatitis) is a little worse if I eat raw dairy especially (milk/yogurt/cheese).  I am going to talk to the pediatrician about it tomorrow.

Pumping can totally suck it though – I already know if I am going to make it to six months (let alone a year) of pumping/feeding I am going to need a lot of support.  I finally got the right size shield for my pump so that helps – but oh my goodness what a pain!  I know it’s worth it – but it is hard for me to fit in a pumping session during the day.  Or maybe I’m just not making a ton of time for it so far.  I know I need to work on this because I do have things going on in the evenings this week and every other week until I go back to work that she will need to eat when I am not home!  Any magical tips to keeping up your supply/making pumping more bearable?

I’m sure I will have a whole post dedicated to this eventually.  I really do feel clueless and I (irrationally) worry she isn’t eating enough a lot of the time.  This is tricky!

 

Overall – I just feel like everything is SO new and SO different from “last time” that I need to forget about “last time”.  Aleesia is her own person, she is going to test us in new ways and do her own thing.  I should probably take the perspective that any similarity she has to her sister (that we know/remember how to manage) is a lucky break for us!  I have gotten pretty good at managing my (non-existent) expectations up until now, but these two things are really throwing me off. 

Threenagers: The Drama

I know (or, at least I tell myself) that every parent of a three year old experiences the same thing.

The frustration, the attitude, the frustration, the crying, the whining, the frustration, etc. etc. for(whatfeelslike)ever.

A lot of days it feels like we are on the extreme end of the Threenage Drama.

I don’t know if it has something to do with school. Or anything at all, really.

But what I do know is that I feel like I am fighting an uphill battle to get my polite, respectful little girl back.

We have a LOT of defiance going on. We hear a lot of attitude. We talk a lot about making good choices, listening ears and inside voices.  I have used the line “because I am your mom, that’s why” way more than I thought possible at this point. I ignore the behaviors I am trying to diminish as much as humanly possible.

And it feels like it is all for nothing. Except that I KNOW we are getting through to her at least some of the time by her actions.

I would say her 3 biggest offenses right now – in no particular order are

(1) not cooperating at bedtime (example: she has been in her bed for 35 55 minutes now whining/stalling/trying to find anyway not to sleep)

(2) a bad attitude (example: general grumpiness and angst in the form of whining, grunting and total body limpness. or, saying “you’re not the boss of me” when asked to come in from outside)

(3) being defiant (example: flat out refusing to pick up her toys when she is asked complete with “I am not doing it. I don’t have to listen to you”)

And our biggest parenting challenge is effective discipline.  Taking her toys away? She could care less. Timeouts? They work some of the time, but overall, they don’t really phase her. Reward charts? They don’t matter to her. Losing privileges? again, she just doesn’t really care at the time – because if she doesn’t want to pick up her blocks before going to the zoo, she is not picking up her damn blocks. Maybe we are doing something wrong or maybe she is just that tough, I don’t know!

I am not a proponent of spanking or anything like that, but some days – I am telling you it sounds like it might be a good idea. 

Mike and I feel stuck – like nothing we do is working. We KNOW she is a good kid, but when she’s not? Look out – Miss Attitude is in full effect.  We also know that she is 3 and we try to maintain our expectations with her age. But telling your parents “no, I’m not doin’ it” when asked to pick up your toys and saying words like “stupid, shut up and idiot” is not flying in this house, ever.

We try to always give her timelines, warnings, expectations up front – i.e. “when we are done getting dressed, we are going to brush our teeth and do our hair”. or “in 10 minutes we are going to bed/in 5 minutes we are going to bed”. or “we have to use our words when we need something”

Please don’t get me wrong – she is still as hilarious & awesome as ever. And she has her days of total sweetness. But the days filled with Attitude are quickly overtaking the days filled with Sweetness.  I would really prefer that ratio be the other way around.

Any tips on navigating the threenage drama? Because let me tell you – if this is only the BEGINNING of the drama, lord help me and send lots of wine for the real teenage drama that is headed our way.

combating the three year old stubborn

and other seemingly ridiculous attempts at parenting a threenager.

It appears that the age of three leaves these smart little creatures stuck somewhere between the ability to reason and the ability to do whatever their parents say. What is that called again… oh ya, free will!

Which leaves the parents somewhere between wanting to give their child the independence they crave and the need to guide them to make appropriate decisions (i.e. not wearing a sweatshirt when its 90 degrees outside or insisting they bathe).  Or it leaves these parents stuck there.

But we have pretty reasonable expectations of her, that she is well aware of. pick up after yourself, no whining and be respectful. We always give G choices – you can have a or b – usually, it’s not an issue and she picks something.  Except when she doesn’t. Then! Look out because she’s going down and taking you with her.

We attempt to pick our battles , as en example we know 9 out of 10 times she’s not going to eat her dinner, so we don’t make her – but she does have to sit with us at the table.  Sometimes it doesn’t really matter though – she wants what she wants and nothing else matters. No choice or discussion is going to make a difference.  Which is fine and I am assuming normal for her age.

But we are still struggling with her in a way.  We know she gets more frustrated when she is hungry and/or tired and there are a few things that we know will set her off (i.e. if her underwear are even a drop wet, she will lose her everlovingmind) so we are conscious of these things.  She is VERY vocal and articulate – but sometimes, she will literally just whine, whimper and cry about something that is bothering her, but won’t articulate what that thing is to us.  Some days, or sometimes several time a day, she just chooses not to listen (normal, I know) which tends to lead into a screeching, screaming rage over something ridiculous like asking her to put her shoes on the right feet.

More than anything though, I am struggling at figuring out how to help her learn how to handle her feelings and express them appropriately. it’s impossible to know most days what will set her off and when, which makes it hard to anticipate!

We are aware that we need to be more consistent with our initiation of discipline (i.e. counting to 3 or whatever) – she is always aware and we are consistent with her consequences – but getting there tends to be our issue.  And just figuring out how to get us all through this stage with our sanity, hair and eardrums intact is exhausting, quite frankly.

I know we aren’t the only parents to feel defeated by their stubborn preschooler, so feel free to provide any ass-vice you have on the topic.

I will say though – that she is still pretty much the funniest, most awesome girl I know.  Naturally.

about the whole potty training gig

Gianna was not going to budge on the whole potty training issue, so we had to make a parental strategic move.

So we took the diapers (and her night time binkie’s) away from Gianna over memorial day weekend.  (really, we had her gift them to her soon-to-be-born baby cousin, Luci.  it worked PERFECTLY!)

the first morning was pretty rough, but really after that it wasn’t so difficult.  We knew that she could do it, she just had to be forced into it.

she’s even dry at night – which, awesome!

EXCEPT (there’s always an except, isn’t there?)

this girl is the stealthiest pooper in the world.

who happens to not enjoy doing her stealthy pooping on the toilet.

which is frustrating as hell.

she’s not motivated by reward. or by punishment. or by the fact that all her friends do it. or stickers. or candy. or having to clean up her mess. or sit in it. or anything at all, quite honestly. so all of our attempts to buy her ANYTHING SHE WANTS or give her ALL THE CHOCOLATE or whatever if she will just poop in the damn toilet – they don’t work.

she HAS done it successfully once for sure, possibly twice. she is also a quick-draw with the toilet flusher, so we didn’t visualize the evidence when she said she want the other day. so I am only half counting it.  But regardless, she knows where/when/how to accomplish this task on her own. She just doesn’t appear to be interested in that.

so, I guess here’s what I need to know -

a) that it will all be okay sooner than later

b) if anyone has some seriously genius ass-vice on how to get her to do her shit (ha!) in the appropriate receptacle.

Overall, I count her potty trained, if we can get this little “issue” under control – we will be good as gold.

so, HALP?!!

Bookworm

The littlest person that lives in my house LOVES books.

She “reads” all the time – I think it’s fantastic.  Except when she gets stuck on some ridiculous library book called “where did daddy’s hair go” – that book is SO weird and we have to read it every night!

She likes pretty much any book you give her. We have lots of Dr. Seuss and Disney books. A handful of Sandra Boyton books and a lot of other random books.

I want to get her some new books, maybe for her birthday or easter, so that means I need YOU to tell me about your favorite preschooler books.

Did I just type the word preschooler in reference to my daughter? That can’t be…..

Anyway – girly books are always fun – she has an awesome book called Camilla the Cupcake Fairy that has glittery pages (and the glitter stays ON the page!), that’s a huge hit!

But I just don’t have time to get lost in the bookstore – so I need your help to feed my little bookworm. Pretty please!

Vacation Prep Post #2–Transatlantic Travel and the Toddler

I ordered the shoes from my last vacation prep post – I can’t wait for them to come! (I ended up going with the Silver because the white wasn’t in stock in my size, because I know you were concerned).

Now I have been focusing some serious attention on this whole transatlantic flight situation. 

First issue is going to be getting her through the body scanner at the airport.  Do they make little kids go through that, even?  It is a bizarre experience having to stand in the little box with your arms over your head…..

We fly from the US to Italy in the evening/night - my biggest concern here is helping G fall asleep on the plane.  I am going to pack her a small pillow, a favorite blanket, jammies and of course her lovies and binky in hopes of a relatively easy transition into slumberland after dinner on the plane.

Any other tips you may have for sleep on a plane? She is NOT one to sleep anywhere other than her crib or her car seat, so it could get tricky. 

We of course, are brining entertainment supplies.  Color wonder markers/paper, sticker book & crayons, My Liittle Ponies (she gets a new one for the plane trip), princesses (she is really into pretending lately, so hopefully it will be a quiet activity for the plane) and a few small books. Plus my iPhone and/or an iPad borrowed from a friend. My only issue here is that she won’t keep headphones on her head or in her ears…. any tips there?

Now…. on the way home… we are leaving Spain during the day, have 2 connections and holy hell are we all going to be exhausted.  This is the trip that REALLY concerns me.  I am going to seriously need advice here from anyone that has done this before.  Fingers crossed she just falls asleep once we take off, but it is really just going to be a very long travel day.

Also – do you do anything special to help them handle the time change? A 2 year old, as we know, has no concept of time really to begin with  - so maybe I don’t even need to worry about it?

The other thing we MUST bring is food. Miss Picky-Pants surely won’t eat the airline provided meal and she probably won’t eat much when we are in Venice for 2 days or out on our excursions since eggo waffles are more than likely not on the menu…..  I am planning on bringing a box of granola bars, applesauce (checking this in my luggage…still not sold on how this is going to be successful), smucker’s waffles, gummies, goldfish (or some kind of trail mix), maybe cheerios and that is probably all.  Suckers last time were nothing but a nasty, germy, sticky toy – so I am considering just leaving those at home.

Everyone in my family will be packing diapers for me, obviously we will have wipes. Also these handy dandy dirty diaper bags that don’t stink. In addition to children’s Tylenol I was thinking of brining some Mylanta (G still has some stomach issues) just in case. 

We are taking our Chicco lightweight stroller.  Considering some kind of a leash (OMG I can’t believe I just typed that), but G is a good hand-holder when she isn’t losing her mind exhausted. 

What am I forgetting that I could possibly need in a foreign country? Anything particular I should know about getting her through customs without incident? Mike and I have only traveled internationally once, and that was almost 5 years ago on our honeymoon.

I am POSITIVE this trip is going to be out-of-this-world-awesome, and that my very schedule oriented toddler will do fantastically. Feeling so blessed to be able to take her somewhere I have waited my whole life to see!!

I need your thoughts

Have you heard that we have been trying to add to our family? Probably, huh?

We thought we accomplished that goal this past week.

I felt like I was pregnant. The daily pregnancy tests were looking good. I was nervous after last month, but felt okay about the situation. I waited a week to call the doctor, even. We decided to tell our families on Saturday, because we STINK at keeping secrets.

And on Saturday afternoon, the spotting started. Followed by bleeding.

Confirmed Sunday as another early miscarriage.

I really don’t know what to think.  I am frustrated. And mad. And sad. And confused.

My initial thought is to make an appointment with my doctor to just talk things out.  But then I think, what is that going to accomplish?  At my annual, which was 2 weeks after the last miscarriage, this was how the conversation went with the midwife I usually see:

MW: “are you trying to get pregnant?”

Me: “yes…we actually had what seemed to be a chemical pregnancy this past month….”

MW: “oh, well, that happens sometimes”

Me: “um…..”

MW: “so, let me stick my hands in your vagina real quick so we can move on.”  “okay, all done, It took you awhile to get pregnant last time, right?”

Me: “9 months”

MW: “okay,well I bet you get pregnant when you are all relaxed on that fabulous vacation you have coming up”

Me: “right….”

I left feeling a little annoyed.  I know it’s not the biggest deal in the world, but it was the biggest deal in MY world.

What am I even going to say or ask when I go in this time?  “So it appears that I can get pregnant, however my uterus is revolting – can you help make it a happier place?”

We have been at this for 5 cycles since having my Mirena removed, which I know isn’t an exceptional period of time.  I don’t chart using BBT – but I do chart CM changes, use OPK’s and PreSeed.  I am feeling pretty helpless and that stinks.

Any advice on what to bring up at this WTF? appointment?

Thinking Things Through

I have been “unemployed” since October – using that term lightly since I sell Premier Designs Jewelry, freelance write and teach & have been doing 2/3 since October. Putting those three incomes together I make well over what I was brining home from my full-time position, in a LOT less hours.

And I get to stay home with this spunky girl.

Watching her grow, teaching her things and really ENJOYing her & enjoying being her mom. I have always LOVED her, but when I saw her for only about an hour a day – the most stressful hour of her day (dinner/bath), after my own stressful day at work – typically there wasn’t much fun or enjoyment to be had.

Since October and really since graduating last month, I have turned up the job-searching to find a full-time position, because, that stable income and better health insurance would take a lot of [financial] stress of both Mike and I.

I had an interview last week for an 8-5/M-F position, it went well (haven’t heard back yet) and sounds like it would be a good opportunity. My biggest hang up? It’d be at least an hour drive each way & I haven’t worked 5 days a week since BEFORE I had Gianna (compressed work week was the best thing about my old job) and I don’t know that I want to make that commitment again if it’s not the exact right place to be. There’s no way to know, of course, if it would be the exact right place to be unless I got the job.

Working M-F comes with it’s own stresses though – daycare costs, missing time with Gianna/family, going back to that unbalanced feeling I had before.

I don’t know what is right (or even really what I WANT!), clearly I will do whatever I NEED to do for my family, regardless. I have been in such a state of “what’s next?” that it’s starting to blur the lines in mind of what I want, need and what a good option is for everyone.

My belief is that family comes first, work comes second – praying that I can stay true to that….

Getting it out there

Do you ever experience something and just need time to processes that experience before you can make heads or tails of it?

I have been trying, taking little baby steps, to turn my heart over to Christ. I have always felt connected to Him, I grew up Catholic, but the relationship didn’t feel very functional, if that makes any sense at all.

Over the past 4 or 5 months, I have really felt a need and a want to explore and expand that part of my life. I am timid about it and that is getting me nowhere.

The other day I had to drive pretty far for a conference, I spent a good 5 hours in the car by myself. I do all my best reflecting in the car and something came over me that day. I prayed. Out loud. (I NEVER do this).

I poured out my wants, needs, fears, hopes, desires – all of it.

When I was done, I felt this –and I really don’t know how to describe it- feeling within me – within my heart. I knew what it was. It was Him showing me where He belongs – where he IS. It was a pretty comforting feeling, actually.

My biggest problem is that I am a CONTROL FREAK. I like to be in charge of everything – especially my life. Which is HUGELY stressful and frustrating, not nearly as rewarding of an experience as you might imagine (ha!).  I envy those who are so carefree and comfortable within the confines of their lives. Part of why I feel so, unsettled, is the job situation. But I DO have a job. I have THREE FOUR jobs, if we are counting. I am a wife. A mother. A writer. A Premier Designs jeweler.

For some reason, telling people about this job has been hard for me – I fear they will think, “She was supposed to be a doctor and now she sells jewelry?” or “don’t you have a masters degree ::eye roll::?”

But that is my own fear, and a really unrealistic one, if I am being totally honest with myself. Because this job – is full of so much JOY and HOPE and FUN! I make more money than I did working full time and work about 1/4 of the hours, it’s legit, I enjoy the women I see and the lives I have been able to enrich. I need to change my outlook on it – because it is meaningful and fruitful. And it brings me happiness and faith.

Sure, I want to USE the degree/s I have – that will come, I have to be confident in that as well.

I guess all of this is trying to say – This is SO hard for me, but I think I am ready to jump in with both feet – to really hand myself over to Him. I am willing to put in the work, the effort, the desire needed because I know the rewards will be endless. He will bless me, my family, my business – and He has – I only need to open my eyes to the future and the possibility. It’s scary and different, but I know it promises to be worth it.

We go to Cinda-lella’s Castle NOW Mommy?

Disney!!

In TWO WEEKS!

And Gianna asks us regularly – “We go to Cinda-lella’s Castle NOW?”

It is very adorable and honestly, I had NO idea I would be so excited for this vacation, but I am. I am SO excited to see Disney through her eyes.

But before we get to Disney, we should pack or something.

That’s where I need help! And naturally, I am coming to you, beautiful Internets

On my list of things to pack for G:

• Sunscreen
• Adorable minnie outfit with tutu for Mickey Breakfast
• Cinderella T-shirt to wear on airplane
• Bathing Suit
• Swim Diapers
• Stroller
• Minnie Mouse Hair bows
• Regular Diapers & wipes
• PJ’s

On the rest of my list:

• Clothes
• Reservation info
• Camera

In the carryon (here is where I need the most help, first time flying with a toddler!):

• Suckers
• New princess book
• princess magnadoodle
• princess stickers

What am I forgetting? What do I need? Any and all ass-vice is welcome related to Disney & flying. What specifically do I need to bring with me to the parks?

We are staying on-property and have the dining plan. We will spend one day at Animal Kingdom/Epcot and another full day at Magic Kingdom.

I can’t believe we are leaving in 2 weeks – it might be a short vacation, but it is going to be one I never forget, that much I know for sure.