A little love

Some days I look at my girls and beg them to share their never-ending supply of energy with me.

Most days it still takes my breathe away that I can use the phrase "my girls" in a sentence! 

The rest of the days I am amazed at how much love I have for them. It's so beyond anything I could have ever imagined, which I know sounds terribly corny. 

It took me a little while to feel that unending love when Gianna was born. I had just met her and she cried a lot! But we got there and that love between a mom and her daughter is powerful stuff. And then I panicked for at least 6 months before Aleesia was born that I might not have enough love to give her or that I would be taking something away from Gianna.  When she was born, it still took me a little while to give my whole heart to her the way I had given it to Gianna but we are totally there now. 

I went and tucked Gianna into bed the other night and realized that when she says "I love you mommy, see you in the morning" it still makes me smile as big as the first time she said it. When Aleesia snuggles into my shoulder it makes me melt just as much as when she was first born. 

I no longer fear that I won't love Aleesia as much because I know that I love them each a little different because they are different people. but I am happy to report that there is indeed enough love to go around. 

Which is a great thing to realize and be comfortable with considering what's ahead for us. 

Christmas is going to be extra special this year and we are so excited to share our love! 

Bring on the busy(er)

Now that the holidays are over and a whole new year is here I feel like I can start thinking about the year ahead a little bit.

There are a lot of big events and plans and goals set for 2014:

• train for and complete the Run Nike Women DC 1/2 marathon in April
• start my PhD program (this one has me a wee bit freaked out)
• decide on where we will send Gianna to Kindergarten (just when I think we have made a decision, I change my mind again!)
• get stricter with our debt-reduction plans
• hopefully list and sell our house
• which means we get to buy (or build???) a new house

But! the very first big event of 2014 is a certain little girl’s first birthday – say what?

A lot of these things are “bucket list” items for me which is exciting in it’s own right but I am all of a sudden feeling very overwhelmed.  I think the anticipation of starting new, big, time consuming projects is worse than actually being in the middle of the business.

so, bring it on 2014 – the good, the exciting, the scary, the fun – I’ll figure out the how and when it’s all going to happen along the way.

What does 2014 have in store for you?

Friday Randoms

• Why don't people comment on blog posts? I can see how many page views I get and how little comments I get... I know when I actually take the time to (finally) read I try to comment too.  Hmmmm...
• Speaking of reading - I switched to Feedly and I'm not 100% convinced I love it. Although, I haven't tried the mobile app yet.  Anyone have a new reader they love that you can read online and through a mobile device? Bonus it it lets you get to the content easily so you can leave comments!
• There was a HUGE storm here the other day. And I left my windows down in my car. Because, well, I am a genius obviously.  My car seats are still drying out....
• We are part of a crop share and I LOVE it.  We split it with my sister's family and it is seriously enough food for both of us (and we use everything between the two of us so I don't feel like we are wasting much, if anything). 
• I plan to make some baby food with some of our produce.  Which means I should actually you know, make the food and freeze it for when she's ready for it.
• Related to that - we have tried three times now to start Aleesia on solids because she watches us eat and seems to be interested in the process.  Except when you actually try to feed her - she cries, pushes the spoon away, spits the food out, etc. At first I thought maybe she just doesn't like the cereal, but she was having no part of the bananas we tried last night.  I'm TOTALLY okay with this (feeding a baby is a lot of work!) just surprised! We'll try again after her half birthday in a few weeks.
• How in the WORLD is she going to be 6 months old soon? Sheesh.
• I need to prepare a teaching demo for Tuesday. And I haven't started it yet... I have no idea why I am slacking on this.
• Also slacking on doing anymore research on the PhD program I found.  Have I asked if anyone has experience with Capella University? If you do - can you comment/email me so I can pick your brain?
• Work has been going well and that makes me happy.  Little stress, many opportunities coming up - just the way I like it!
• I have been working out pretty consistently.  I finished the 30 day shred (and saw real results) and am starting the couch 2 5k program (if it ever freaking quits raining here) with some interval workouts on the "off" days.  If I can aim to workout 4 days a week, I think that will fit into my schedule well and won't stress me out too much.  I have a lot more to say on this topic soon! (I hope?!)
• I have been talking to my sister about my niece's first birthday. Again - how in the WORLD can her first birthday be approaching? Nuts!
• What's new with you - anything fun happening?

Feed the baby

We have had about a million issues with breast feeding in the past three and a half months.

Between the tongue & lip tie, the dairy issues, the reflux, minimal pumping output etc. it has been quite the journey so far.

I have not been able to pump enough for Aleesia to have while I am at work.

Which is sort of stressful for me. And discouraging.  But I just keep trying.  And we breastfeed when I am home.

I feed her in the morning and when I am home at night/on the weekends. So that is fine and seems to be working okay.

We put her on Alimentum as a supplement and try to give her 1/2 and 1/2 bottles.  Which generally makes her reflux & spitting up worse and if she has to have a full formula bottle, it’s worse than that.

My problem is I feel like I have no handle on how much she is eating, when she is eating, how she is doing etc.  Mike gives me the 10,000 foot overview during the day which is fine and I know he is doing a great job taking care of her. 

I just feel like I need to be more in control of things for some reason.   I don’t know if it’s because I am so tuned in to her slow weight gain (even though it’s okay, she’s allowed to be tiny!) and the other issues she has had or if I  am just being all mama bear for no real reason.

But not being the one at home, I am feeling a little lost at how to stay in “control” and make sure Aleesia is getting all she needs.  The most important thing is that we feed the baby, however we have to do that.

I am working on increasing my supply, but at this point it feels like I am spinning my wheels.  I do everything that “they” suggest and still I can’t pump more than 2.5-3 oz at a time max (that’s double pumping too!)  - but typical for me is just about 2 ounces. 

I would love to hear how others navigated a breastfed/formula fed relationship because that is where we are at right now. 

It’s just an outline

Mike and I have been taking Bradley classes. This was 100% my decision and something that I really really wanted to do.  He, admittedly, went along for the ride even if he really didn’t know what I was thinking.

And I appreciate that. A lot. Because sometimes it’s nice to know your husband will go along with what you want even if he doesn’t “get” it.

He is generally pretty open during our class discussions and our discussions at home in that he listens and sometimes shares his opinion on things. We are at the point now where we need to be actually thinking about what our plan is going to be – what are we/am I comfortable with before, during and after this girl is born.

And here is where I am struggling and we are failing to communicate effectively with each other.  I am a planner, because I know this is shocking news.  I want to feel a little bit in control at all times, and while I know that is pretty much nonsense when it comes to childbirth – having at least an outline of what I want to happen and how I want to handle situations that may or may not come up will just make me feel better.  I don’t even want to call it a birth plan, I like to think of it as just an outline – a place to start and a place to reference throughout the process.

Our birth experience with Gianna was more of what I would call a party experience – there were a lot of family and friends around both in the room with me while I labored and in the waiting room.  and that is exactly what I wanted at that time.  I would not change that part of her labor/delivery story for anything.  There are some aspects though, looking back on it, that I didn’t like and that I do not want to repeat. (hence choosing the Bradley method this time, for one!).  But I didn’t have a plan, I didn’t take any classes or read any books.  I didn’t want to – I knew that I would figure it all out when I needed to. And I did, and it was fine, and a little girl with lots of hair came out in the end and she was showered with love from the very minute she came to the outside world.  But what I missed, and recognized missing from the very beginning, is a chance to just BE with her right after she was born.  Because they literally laid her on me when she came out, and minutes later took her away to be weighed etc. Daddy saw her, I fed her eventually and then the aunts, grandmas and everyone else who was waiting passed her around and I got her back just in time to go to our room.  It all felt very rushed at the time, but I didn’t know any different, but I know that looking back on it, even later that day, I didn’t really like how it all played out. but it was over, and you know – moving on!

I want this birth experience to be more of what I would call an intimate gathering.  Primarily because I just don’t know what to expect with a natural birth and I really don’t want to be distracted from the whole experience.  I want to really be “in the moment” if you will – something that last time, I purposely was distracting myself from because I was scared!  And in my mind, this experience includes after the baby comes out.  I want to experience those first minutes/hours with her & her daddy – without interruption, without passing her around to 15 other people and worrying if so and so is still in the waiting room or if somebody didn’t get to see her yet. Or if someone's feelings are going to be hurt because they haven’t seen her yet.  I want to let the masses in to see our girl when we are ready (or, I am ready, because this is the part that Mike and I are not agreeing on right now) but absolutely not until her big sister gets to meet her first.  I want her to be showered with that same love that Gianna had – I just want to wait for the showering to begin until I am ready for it, so I can enjoy it too and not be frustrated with the process.  This is a part of our birth outline that I would like to be written in permanent marker – because the more I think about it, the more strongly I feel.  Mike feels very strongly in the opposite direction. Which, obviously, is a hurdle we are going to need to work through.

Ideally, I would also like to have someone in the room with us to photograph the labor/birth process and when G meets the baby for the first time.  I don’t even know if anyone in my area DOES birth photography or how this would work, so you know, that part of the outline might be written in pencil. I could name off a bunch of other “ideally I would like” situations too, but I am realistic and also not opposed to medical interventions when I understand why and when they are necessary.  Because while I love a good outline, I appreciate the need to change what happens as things progress. Because in the end, all I care about is seeing a healthy little girl on the outside world. See, I haven’t become a total tree hugging hippie.  Just half a one.

If you went through a similar process, what were your “we must do this” or “we must not do that” items and what questions did you ask of yourselves individually and as a couple to navigate this process of creating your birth outline?  How did you maneuver the roadblocks?  I am especially interested in anyone who has experienced both medicated and planned natural births.

Crunch, Crunch, Crunch

Crunchy. Granola. Hippie. Environmentally friendly.

Has lost her mind.

Whatever you want to call it, that is sort of where I am right now when it comes to thinking about raising another child, things I want to do differently, experiences I hope to change/have, etc.  I have had a lot of time to think about this stuff, connected with a lot of other moms, gotten different views/changed my opinion on things, etc. etc.  My husband thinks, on pretty much all accounts, I have lost my mind. Or the fertility drugs screwed with me.

Exhibit A: Natural Child Birth

This is the one that has the heads of pretty much everyone who knows me spinning. I am not exactly known for my pain tolerance (although, I swear the older I get the higher it gets) so the idea of pushing a human with a head the size of a bowling ball out of my lady parts with no drugs seems a little out of character.  Don’t get me wrong, I was lucky to have a pretty easy induction/labor/delivery last time (if you don’t count that I pushed for 2+ hours)  and it was just how I wanted it then. But I felt terrible afterwards. And for a long time. And that sucked.

But I have thought about this whole natural thing for a long long time. And read a lot of stuff. And thought about it some more. And researched some more. And I really really feel that the Bradley Method is something that I can master and rock out sometime in January (hopefully not February). I have no doubt in my mind that sometime during the process I will also be sure I have lost my mind – but I also know that at the end, I will be so proud of myself and it will all be worth it. Also, the pain is temporary – said human with a head the size of a bowling ball HAS to come out eventually!

We finally found someone local who is a trained Bradley instructor (this was really difficult actually) and should be starting our classes in about a month.  Mike and I watched The Business of Being Born this weekend – I thought it might help Mike get on board (FAIL!) but he is still willing to go along with my plan. I can only hope that as we go through the classes, he ups his ability to be my cheerleader.  I know he will support me no matter what, even if he doesn’t understand why I want to do this.

Exhibit B: Breastfeeding

Okay, so this probably doesn’t fit the modern day definition of crunchy, but for me it does. I had ZERO desire to breastfeed the first time around, and it worked for us. I have no regrets or anything like that – so don’t think that. It’s just another one of those things that I have researched, thought about, and decided I think I want to try it out this time around.  Again, I’m not delusional or anything – I’m sure part of me is totally nuts for wanting to give breastfeeding a shot for the first time with a 3 (almost 4) year old in the house. I’m sure that’s only going to up the challenge, but again, I’m willing to give it a shot.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t MORE scared to try this than I was to give birth naturally. Because, I totally am. Maybe because this an ongoing challenge, not just a one-time challenge. I don’t know, but hey! I’m always up for the next bit of crazy in my life.

Exhibit C: Cloth Diapering

One of my closest friends cloth diapers, and I’ve always been intrigued.  I for SURE thought she was nuts when she started doing it, but then, the more I was around her – the more I realized it wasn’t a big deal at all. And started figuring out the savings associated. Which got me even more interested.  It’s not old school, or whatever you think, cloth diapering is literally EXACTLY THE SAME as using pampers, or huggies, or whatever. (Sure, you can go the old school-type route if you REALLY want to – I don’t) Ya, it’s more laundry – but again, not a huge deal to me. Plus – have you SEEN the cloth diapers out there –they are so freaking cute!

Mike is totally freaked out by this idea, maybe more than any other idea that I have. Which okay, I get it – it’s different and maybe a little out there. And of anything, I’ll budge on this because he IS the one that is home all day. But if I was the one home, I would be hammering a little harder about this!  Still – if you’ve gone this route with a more than resistant husband – how did you get him over it?

 

It’s a whole new world out there – and there’s going to be a whole new world around here too. If you have experience with any or all of these things, I’d gladly accept your story/info/good places to get information/etc. I’m a research junkie, after all!

Picking your brain

I need some advice on a few things from my favorite internet comrades.

First topic: Blog

I mostly blog for myself, but sometimes I feel like I should blog about SOMETHING. With a little bit of myself thrown in there. Thoughts on that? Do you prefer reading about peoples everyday nonsense? Seeing pictures? Knowing that if you read blog ABC it will actually be about a THING in most cases? I can’t decide. 

I know what annoys me when reading blogs (too many pictures, too many MYBABYISSOCUTEANDSMARTERTHANYOUTOO posts, colored fonts, constant reviews of stuff I can’t win etc) and I know what I like (pictures that go with words sometimes, updates & actual thoughts)

But what about you? What is most annoying? What is most enjoyed?

Second topic: Shoes

We are going on a big vacation in October that will involve lots of walking. I need to get new shoes, that are NOT tennis shoes. I have narrowish feet with small bunions. Recommendations? I normally don’t wear socks, so shoes that look cute without socks and can be worn with jeans or skirts/dresses would be STELLAR!

Third topic: 3 row vehicles

One of the blessings that will come along with my new job is the ability to purchase a new (okay, new to us because we are so NOT buying new) car sooner than we expected. I would ideally like a vehicle with 3 rows – and am opening my narrow little mind to the idea of a van (I can’t believe I just typed that). I DESPISE car shopping, know NOTHING on the topic and need LOTS of hand holding and real life recommendations. So give it to me straight.  Also since I am planning WAY ahead with this purchase, if you have a vehicle with only 2 rows that fits more than 2 car seats COMFORTABLY I would love to hear about it. (greater than 25mpg would be a huge bonus!)

and since I am totally needy right now –

Fourth topic: Lunch

I need some good ideas for work lunches. If it doesn’t involve mayonnaise or a salad that is any thing other than lettuce or pasta based, I will probably like it! Also good ideas of breakfast on the go? My commute is about 40 minutes, and while I am not a “breakfast” person, it would be good to be able to eat something on my way.

I know I can count on you, friends – don’t let me down!

The future makes me nervous

 I know I talked a little while ago about how I never imagined that I would be where I am today.
The other part of that story?  I am having trouble imagining the future.

Maybe that is a good thing, since we all know that life is never as we planned or imagined.

Except I am a planner. You should see my google calendar and all it’s glorious colorful organization.  It may or may not run my life.

I want to know exactly where I am going to be as far as having a new job. Buying a bigger house one day. Because I will have many more babies to fill it. And honestly people, these thoughts are overwhelming sometimes.
First step to the future? Graduation in May. That is under control and on track. And holy crap I might actually be finished being a student (for now).

Second step to the future? Finding not just a new job but a position that satisfies me professionally and intellectually. This is HARD.  I am in the process of contacting a recruiter on the matter because I don’t know where else to begin.  I know what I am looking for, I know what I am willing to bend on and what I am not in a new position. My fingers are crossed tightly that I can find someplace that meets my needs and appreciates what I have to offer.

Third step in the future? Work on making more babies. I said in my friday night leftovers that I am not physically ready. I am not. I want to get my body in a little better shape. I am there “weight” wise but flabby extra jiggle wise – no where near. Also? It took us close to a year to conceive Gianna.  While we didn’t require medical intervention, I feel that the steps we did take while TTC (while who knows if they did or did not make a difference) puts us somewhere on the line that she talks about @ Lovely Lady Bump.  I am scared to death that it will take as long or longer for #2.  Or it might not. That part of the unknown makes us nervous.  Also? having to wait for steps 1 and 2 to fall into place frustrates me because mentally and as a family – we are READY to expand. To share the love we have.  And that part is frustrating.  6 months seems like a long time to wait to even start this journey. But, it’s only 6 more months, right?

Fourth step in the future? Be a supportive wife to my husband in all that he does and in the venture he would like to undertake. It could be very good but we have a lot of research to do.  He has always been supportive of me through my educational journey and it’s time to focus on him for awhile. 

The future seems very promising yet very daunting and a little bit scary right now.  I KNOW it will all be fine, because it always is in whatever way I define “fine” at that moment. But just for a second can I have a crystal ball so I can see WHEN and HOW these things will play out?!!

Not Convinced

If you have been reading for awhile, you might know that I used to be in medical school.  And that a little over a year ago I officially withdrew from medical school.

This was a freaking hard decision to make. 

I spent most of my time in school convincing myself that that is where i wanted to be and that I really DID want to be a doctor.

I have spent most of my time after school convincing myself that I do NOT want to be a doctor and that I made the right decision.

I KNOW that I made the right decision, but sometimes, when I talk with my friends or feel really frustrated in my current position (professionally & financially) I think about how right now I should be practicing medicine.  I could have been a pediatrician.  I am afraid that I will be haunted by this decision forever, especially when things get tough in life. 

Then I think about how miserable I was those years.  How frustrated I was.  How I didn’t feel connected to that job.  If I was in that position, I would not get to see my baby (or maybe, I wouldn’t even have her) much, or my husband.  I would probably be just as frustrated with life, just for different reasons.

My current job? Is not at all where I want to be professionally.  I am currently on the hunt for something more.  Something that will allow me to be more involved in medicine, more involved with people, more engaged intellectually and more challenged.  I have considered using a recruiter to help with this but know nothing about how to go about it.  Especially because I have no idea where I want to go with my professional life.  The only positive about where I work, they are very flexible with my schedule which lets me be home more.  My cons list grows daily. 

No one wants to spend their work day hating their job.  If I am going to spend all that time away from my child(ren), I want to feel like I am DOING something.  I want to enjoy it.  I want to feel accomplished. 

::Sigh::

I heard the Kenny Chesney song “Never Wanted Nothing More” on the way home the other night and it made me tear up because I made the decision not to continue in medicine because I was unhappy.  And my current work situation is making me unhappy. But my family? My life in general? It is good.  I need to say these lyrics to myself every morning. Because they are true.

Well I'm what I am and I'm what I'm not
I'm sure happy with what I've got
I live to love and laugh a lot
And thats all I need

Staying Young

Being a mom of a baby girl, who will become a little girl and someday a big girl, one of the things I want for her is to enjoy her childhood and learn respect for herself.
My husband and I find ourselves saying at least 10 times a day, she will never wear that... say that... act that way... or else!
But here's the problem - In case you have been living in a hole, it seems like 90% of the things marketed to young girls are far from age appropriate. We have these dolls, clothes that don't cover enough skin - sold at stores like this one and tv shows with a more mature content than you would expect.

I got this article via email last weekend and it hit home, big time.
5 years old is the new 15. Sure, it can be cute when they say something funny and outside of their scope of understanding. And I am all for a kiddo who is into fashion, shoes and doing things like her mama. But, as a parent, I feel that we need to teach these young girls not how to act older, but how to act appropriately. A 3 yr old wearing short shorts and showing her belly, is not cute to me. A 4 yr old "shaking her booty", not appropriate. An 8 yr old buying her "boyfriend" presents, absolutely not. These are things that cross the line, in my opinion.

I want my 6 month old to BE 6 months old. Just as I will want her to act 3 years old and not 13, etc. No push in this house to grow up any faster than happens already. It's an uphill battle in that respect since there is such an inherent push to age our kids beyond their years, and seemingly beyond our control. Perfect example - while passing out candy to trick or treaters 2 young girls, no older than 12/13 came to the house wearing LINGEIRE and THIGH HIGHS and GARTERS.... who let them out of the house like that??? The article talks about 2 books, Packaging Girlhood & So Sexy So Soon, that I hope to check out soon - they deal specifically with the over sexualied society and how to protect our kids. We can only sensor so much in our own homes, because it's inevitable that they will be exposed to things at school, at the store etc. We need to take that time to explain why at our house we do x,y,z and not a,b,c instead of just ignoring a behavior or question. The book Oral Sex: The new goodnight kiss is another one I hope to check out as well. I am still in shock that such a book exists to be totally honest.... this speaks volumes of how much society has changed in the last 20+ years.

Teaching our girls to be girls and to respect themselves is key. 2 year olds don't need professional manicures, 3 year olds don't need to wear makeup and 5 year olds don't need to be worrying about what Johnny thinks of their outfit!

Super Soaker

Gianna earned a new nickname this weekend.
Super Soaker.

We woke her up Saturday morning - she is SOAKED. She peed. all up her belly....
I figured it was just a fluke, she was wearing a different kind of diaper than normal, afterall.

This morning, around 5am, she was all whining in her bed. She peed. up her belly. again. Not to the extent of Saturday, but still. I couldn't blame it on the diaper this time.

I don't know if she is just peeing more than "normal" lately or if she might, GASP, get to move to size 2 diapers..... [this I doubt considering how tightly we need to put on the 1's so they don't fall off] Or those size 1-2 huggies. What is up with those?

But you know what she HASN'T been doing as much of lately?
Puking across the living room! Wahoo to that. Unless, of course, I am dressed nicely - then, naturaly, she throws up all over me, because HELLOO MOTHER I MISSED YOU!
We still aren't switched totally to one formula - I am pretty much at a loss on this one. She's on 2 bottles of Ali/2 bottles of goodstart a day and cranky my BELLYHURTTTZ MOM-EEE in the evenings.
But is it the 2 together? Is it b/c she doesn't like Goodstart? Did the Ali really make THAT much of a difference? Should I just totally switch her and see what happens?

WW

VS

You know how I said we were doing "really well" switching her from the Ali?
I shouldn't have said that out loud.
Things have been a little hairy the past few nights.

But, it could possibly be from teething.
Maybe. Hopefully.

BF v. FF: the great debate

so i have been having this internal debate which really is irrelevant but I feel like I need to discuss....

when I first got pregnant I was totally undecided on breast feeding v. formula feeding. I hadn't given it much thought in the past and really wasn't ready to give it much thought at the moment.
As I got further along and more people started to ask me how I would be feeding my child - I figured I should consider this topic and make a decision.

I considered many things: the horror stories I heard from one too many breast feeding moms*, the pain I anticipated but cracked nipples/thrush/mastitis were not things I wanted to encounter, and the biggie - I get migraines. often. the kind that make me curl into a ball in a dark quiet room and rock myself to sleep. I take medicine for these everyday [before I got pregnant] that does not mix w/ breast feeding. If I was down for the count w/ a migraine I wasn't going to be able to feed my baby anyway right?
So that is how I came to my decision to formula feed from the beginning - I wanted to be able to care for my child no matter what and if I am sick in bed how could I do that?

Well here's the thing - I need to restart said medication but I need to do it slowly and under the care of a doctor. Who I haven't seen yet. So I am not taking anything currently and really could have tried breast feeding.

This is where the guilt comes in. I feel like maybe, in some way, I have cheated my little one out of something. Especially when I hear other women talk about it - which in turn enhances that bit of guilt I feel on my own. I know she is getting what she needs - she is growing well and she certainly isn't starving. and she sleeps 6h at a time during the night. But there is still that little part of me that wonders if we are both missing something. I do feel very bonded and close to her and am thankful that her daddy can help out so much.

so, maybe next time I will try it.
but I do know that my little one is doing pretty well with the formula. we are still working on the perfect bottle for her and the doctor told me this week she is a petite eater but still gaining weight.

*i heard good things too - but they definitely didn't stand out in my mind as much as the notsogood things

final count down

no i am not referring to my pregnancy - more like the final countdown to an end and a beginning.

The end:
I have to make an official decision to ask for an extension of my leave of absense @ the medical school, or let them know I am not returning officially. Even if I ask for the extension, I may not get it. It is a lot for me to think about - which means I have been trying NOT to think about it.
Also an end to my financial freedom so to speak! All of my student loans are offically back into repayment and this is a ridiculously hard thing for me to deal with - emotionally and logically. I have most of it under control but it is still pretty scary especially considering the other life changes coming down the pipe.....

The beginning:
there are lots of beginnings happening - not all for me. My sister is getting married next week and I am so excited for them. we have big plans on friday night which is exciting!! I think we have finally come to a decision about child care which is good. And the one that makes me the most excited - my job is getting much better and i am anticipating a large raise this week or next (which will help the whole end problem.... and many other things!)

motivation

it has been a journey the past few months, between the school/life decisions that had to be made, the baby, starting this job and more. I don't regret any decsion that was made at all, as hard as some of them were/are. But something happened the other day - well probably over a course of days/wks - I started to feel like something is missing or like a puzzle piece isn't fitting right. It fnaally dawned on me what that piece is - medical school. It has been part of my life before I ever saw the inside of the building and it has been part of my future for longer. While I am still a little uncertain on the whole thing and being a doctor is still kind of big and scary to me in ways I can no explain, I think I owe myself a second change.
A chance to see if I can do it, if I can put all of the things I learned and all of the struggles I had/have into a productive "I told ya so". It is going to take a lot of work, a lot of will power and many many hours of studying - but I think I am finally ready to try it again - to take the test with less pressure and more of myself behind it. I would be lying if I told you I wasn't scared, nervous, freaked out! - but I think with some guidance on how to study and doing it one step at a time - I can at least give it a fair (second) chance.
I deserve it, my family deserves it and i think I probably owe it to myself. I plan to take the test before the baby is born - so March sometime. I know exactly how hard it is going to be b/w now and then - but I feel like I am mentally ready now, so here goes nothing......

double duty

I know you have been in suspense because I keep mentioning things with a "details later" at the end of the sentence.

Let me fill you in.

First - I have the most awesome best friend EVER! She knows how frustrated I have been with my wardrobe problems of late (not the pregnancy part, or even the expanding part, but the part where I want to look nice but nothing fits) and have had some issues finding maternity clothes that are up to my fashion standards (!). So this weekend - she picked me up a whole bag of great things - some I can wear now, some for later, all cute and fashion-worthy!! How wonderful is she?!!

Second - Life plans. I have made a decision. I am not going back to medical school (i know, you are really shocked) - but I am going to continue my education. I am planning on taking the GRE in october in order to apply for a Masters of Public Health program, which is ironically run through the medical school I no longer want to attend. small effin world. But anywho --- I tossed around psychology for a while, and while I think this is something I would enjoy very much, the 5-6yrs MORE of school makes me sick to my stomach, and I don't have enough exposure to know if this is REALLY the direction I want to take - not enough to make such a commitment anyway. I have a feeling that no matter what, I may end up with a Ph.D behind my name one day (and Dr. before...) , but I want to start smaller for the moment.

Third - Job! Promotion! Company cell phone! I have been there for 3.5 days, and already feel like I am moving up in the world. I had a meeting Wed. with the boss & CFO about myself, the company and what they want to do with me. It's all good, very good. AND very much something I want to be doing - direct patient care, research, education, continuity and community outreach - all wrapped up into one developing package. Much job (& financial) security which is comforting. It'll be a little bit of a slow start while I learn more about the basics of the company - but to know that things are moving up - is a great feeling.

Fourth - baby is growing!! ok, I am growing, but still! Feeling crappy (and loving it) still. Heartbeat in 2 weeks! Nervous how to tell work after that....

i sat down today b/c i felt like i should write something, but i don't know what to write *insert shocked look here* but i am gonna figure something out anyway...

it rained today.
on me.
that sucked.

my husband and i had an absolutly fabulous evening yesterday *wink wink*
and a pretty good one today so far (minus the winks).

i had a long talk with my mom this weekend about my plans for the year - she is less than happy about my decisions and is less than quiet about her feelings. I finally just told her how i felt, why i am doing this, and just hope that she understands a little bit more, even though I am fairly confident that she doesn't. Most people are very supportive, not to say she isn't, she is just trying to push me into something that i "have always wanted" [maybe or likely not]. She understands my point on some things, just not everything. It can get very frustrating when your own mother, who's opinion you value incredibly, doesn't want you to have the things in life you want at this moment --- baby, job, new career, regular life! I fully expect a not-so-anonyomous* comment from her over this too, but it's ok - even if we don't agree how i should spend my life, i love her anyway.

speaking of baby --- or rather TTC --- i guess this would be our TWW? i can't tell you i feel anything, i would be lying. mike made a comment about my boobs looking larger today - but w/e! i think my dear old friend is supposed to be here this weekend-ish, we will see her when she gets here i guess. It has been nice being so focused on everything else that I haven't thought much about what the old body is doing --- and i am sure i would have come up with a crazy made up twinge here or there to bitch about. the only good thing is, after almost NINE months of TTC (seems long to me) it's not getting old yet.... that seems good to me!

*speaking of anonymous comments, i keep getting them from someone out there and i don't know who you are... it's killing me! but i won't make you tell me who you are if you don't want too...yet!

undetermined

as has been pretty obvious - life has not quite gone according to plan. story of my life.
one of those things i have been waiting for, the one that required hours upon hours of studying, that would be the one that did not end well. i would be lying if i said i wasn't upset. but i would also be lying if i said i wasn't maybe, a little bit, in some strange way, relieved.

i know you are thinking - WHAT? that makes zero sense.

explain: i had big reservations about going to medical school in the first place, but i went b/c i could and i thought it was the thing that would be best for me. When I had a small snafu in my first year of school and they wanted me to repeat that year - i didNOT want to do it, but everyone told me i should, that it would be best for me - so i did it. In January - I had a huge meltdown because I hated school, hated being there, hated being an unproductive part our marriage, hated everything about it and wanted to quit school - but everyone told me i couldn't quit (pattern?) and i didn't know what i was talking about. So, I sucked it up because that is what I was supposed to do. All the while not really knowing if that is what i wanted to be doing for me or if was doing it for everyone else.

Now - I am here... every successful step I took forward, 5 steps slammed backwards. A girl can only get beat down so many times before the bruises start to show. Are a few letters after your name worth the unhappiness, being miserable, literally hating where I am and what I am doing every.single.day? I am seriously doubting this. I know that I am smart and good at what I do - I also know that there are other career choice that will allow me to showcase these qualities, and one that has to make me happier and in a better place than where I am right now.

It has not all been terrible, there were times that I thought "yes - I want to do this,for sure" and i probably blogged about them. I mean who wouldn't want to be a Dr. if they could? but when I wrote it all down - pros v. cons - the cons really and truely won. So - the official decision for the moment - for anyone who cares - I am on an "official" leave of absence from school for the year. I am undecided if I am going to take this test again, I have months to decide (by Feb. to be exact) and a lot of ground to cover if I have any prayer of coming close to doing good enough to get a job when if I would finish school. [if i don't go back to medical school, i will go back to another school... just don't know which one yet]

For right now - I am looking into the job market. Anyone know a job for a 1/2 doctor?! No really - I am thankful that I am who I am, because I actually do have experience in different aspects of medicine which should help - and the fact that I worked through school. The hubs and I are debating on moving far away from home if the opportunity arises. Life has been flipped upside-down, why not turn it around somewhere fresh if we have the ability to do so?

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I am just waiting on the reason for this one, but I believe that there is a good one on the horizon.

Thank you again so much for all the support - I need it and I appreciate it!

not ready yet

i don't have the right words yet - but i want to say thank you. thank you. thank you.
the support you have shown over the past few days - is overwhelming and appreciated in so many ways.

and my 2 IRL bestfriends - are in fact the even better than i realized, they proved that to me yesterday. i love them.

right now, i feel more lost than i have in a long time. not in a bad way, just in a very confused way. i have a lot of things i need to do - but when your world goes from one way to the complete opposite in a matter of minutes - it does get complicated.

i should be back soon, i hope with some news that is good. or at least not shitty.

thank you all again.

its like devils advocate around here

"take a nap"
" do some work, then you can relax tomorrow"

"take another HPT - depress yourself further"

"stay away from the bathroom... and the internet..."

"eat more food - compound the depression w/ the scale"

"work out"

such choices - what is a girl to do... i'll tell you what i am not going to do [again] is take another test... cuz i did that again today... bad. why do i do such things to myself? plz tell me - oh yes i know. b/c i am a glutton for punishment that is right, how could i forgot - we have discussed.

I will also tell you that i don't have school tomorrow [am lucky. kinda] but i have a project to work and research to finish up [typical] as well as a class that started today (last one!!!!) so i should really be making the right choices here. but i have all day tomorrow to do them.... everyone of you should be saying in unison "be a good student andrea and do your shit"

i did finish my study schedule yestereday - it's, ugh, well it is what it is. i'll share.

i realize you can not read that therefore you can not appreciate the excitment... click to fully enjoy. But - that is my life from 8-6 everday may 26-june25th. cross your fingers kids it's gonna be a wild ride.