It’s just an outline

Mike and I have been taking Bradley classes. This was 100% my decision and something that I really really wanted to do.  He, admittedly, went along for the ride even if he really didn’t know what I was thinking.

And I appreciate that. A lot. Because sometimes it’s nice to know your husband will go along with what you want even if he doesn’t “get” it.

He is generally pretty open during our class discussions and our discussions at home in that he listens and sometimes shares his opinion on things. We are at the point now where we need to be actually thinking about what our plan is going to be – what are we/am I comfortable with before, during and after this girl is born.

And here is where I am struggling and we are failing to communicate effectively with each other.  I am a planner, because I know this is shocking news.  I want to feel a little bit in control at all times, and while I know that is pretty much nonsense when it comes to childbirth – having at least an outline of what I want to happen and how I want to handle situations that may or may not come up will just make me feel better.  I don’t even want to call it a birth plan, I like to think of it as just an outline – a place to start and a place to reference throughout the process.

Our birth experience with Gianna was more of what I would call a party experience – there were a lot of family and friends around both in the room with me while I labored and in the waiting room.  and that is exactly what I wanted at that time.  I would not change that part of her labor/delivery story for anything.  There are some aspects though, looking back on it, that I didn’t like and that I do not want to repeat. (hence choosing the Bradley method this time, for one!).  But I didn’t have a plan, I didn’t take any classes or read any books.  I didn’t want to – I knew that I would figure it all out when I needed to. And I did, and it was fine, and a little girl with lots of hair came out in the end and she was showered with love from the very minute she came to the outside world.  But what I missed, and recognized missing from the very beginning, is a chance to just BE with her right after she was born.  Because they literally laid her on me when she came out, and minutes later took her away to be weighed etc. Daddy saw her, I fed her eventually and then the aunts, grandmas and everyone else who was waiting passed her around and I got her back just in time to go to our room.  It all felt very rushed at the time, but I didn’t know any different, but I know that looking back on it, even later that day, I didn’t really like how it all played out. but it was over, and you know – moving on!

I want this birth experience to be more of what I would call an intimate gathering.  Primarily because I just don’t know what to expect with a natural birth and I really don’t want to be distracted from the whole experience.  I want to really be “in the moment” if you will – something that last time, I purposely was distracting myself from because I was scared!  And in my mind, this experience includes after the baby comes out.  I want to experience those first minutes/hours with her & her daddy – without interruption, without passing her around to 15 other people and worrying if so and so is still in the waiting room or if somebody didn’t get to see her yet. Or if someone's feelings are going to be hurt because they haven’t seen her yet.  I want to let the masses in to see our girl when we are ready (or, I am ready, because this is the part that Mike and I are not agreeing on right now) but absolutely not until her big sister gets to meet her first.  I want her to be showered with that same love that Gianna had – I just want to wait for the showering to begin until I am ready for it, so I can enjoy it too and not be frustrated with the process.  This is a part of our birth outline that I would like to be written in permanent marker – because the more I think about it, the more strongly I feel.  Mike feels very strongly in the opposite direction. Which, obviously, is a hurdle we are going to need to work through.

Ideally, I would also like to have someone in the room with us to photograph the labor/birth process and when G meets the baby for the first time.  I don’t even know if anyone in my area DOES birth photography or how this would work, so you know, that part of the outline might be written in pencil. I could name off a bunch of other “ideally I would like” situations too, but I am realistic and also not opposed to medical interventions when I understand why and when they are necessary.  Because while I love a good outline, I appreciate the need to change what happens as things progress. Because in the end, all I care about is seeing a healthy little girl on the outside world. See, I haven’t become a total tree hugging hippie.  Just half a one.

If you went through a similar process, what were your “we must do this” or “we must not do that” items and what questions did you ask of yourselves individually and as a couple to navigate this process of creating your birth outline?  How did you maneuver the roadblocks?  I am especially interested in anyone who has experienced both medicated and planned natural births.

Stolen Innocence

 

When I saw that pink line appear on a pregnancy test in May – I immediately felt like I was going to lose my shit.

I was excited.

But more than excited, I was scared.

I remember looking at Mike with tears in my eyes and saying something along the lines of, I hope the 3rd times the charm.

The heartache of the past year stole the innocent joy that should be associated with a positive pregnancy test.

After our first beta, I thought okay – let’s see what the next one says and how much progesterone will it take to help this baby stick. Not YAY I’m pregnant.

Then we had the second one, and the nurse could tell I was still a little uneasy – she said to me “you can start to get excited now”.

The loss we experienced over the past year stole the innocent joy that should be associated when someone verbally verifies that yes, you ARE pregnant.

Walking in to our ultrasound appointment I was SURE I was going to throw up.  I could not calm my nerves to save my life.  I was also thankful for my husband who just held my hand and the ultrasound tech who was sweeter than ever.  She said – once she found the baby & saw the heartbeat– “one will do, won’t it?” and I just let the tears flow because YES! One will do, indeed.

I think I went through the next few weeks in disbelief of what was happening – afraid to get too attached to this little person.

I went to my OB appointment and probably scared the crap out of the lady who drew my blood that day.  When she innocently asked me how I was and I said, “okay” to which she responded “oh, no you’re supposed to say pregnant!” and I in turn made a comment about how we have gone through a lot to get here – she just sort of shut up and did her thing. But before I left she said – It will all be okay.  It was sweet.

But was STILL scared to believe it.

There are so many things that that are different for me this time – I started writing Gianna’s journal the day that positive pregnancy test showed up in my bathroom.  I took pictures every single week. I wasn’t afraid. 

At our 12 week ultrasound, when I saw this little person flipping around with a strong heartbeat – it hit me.

I can’t let our experience, our journey to get to this beautiful place, steal the joy I should be feeling. Because so far – everything looks beautiful and is moving along normally.  Even though the pure innocence and happiness that I experienced from the second I got pregnant with Gianna is gone, the joy and love I feel for this child are very much real and present.  I just have to let myself feel them.

Secondary infertility may have stolen my innocence in the beginning – but I’m claiming back my joy because we ARE here, we DID make it. And no matter what, this is a NEW journey – separate and distinct from all the others.

Don’t Ignore #NIAW

When we decided we were ready to add to our family, we anticipated that history might repeat itself and the journey to adding to our family could be long-ish.  But we didn’t anticipate the loss. Or the heartache. Or the frustration.
When you decide you are ready to become a mother (again), you never imagine that the journey will be anything but quick and easy.  Until it is anything but quick and easy and you earn your ticket to Infertility Island.
And when that happens, it sucks. It feels like everyone in your world is pregnant and flaunting their fertility in your face.
And it hurts.
For a good while I didn’t let myself feel the hurt, the heartache or the actual LOSS of the miscarriages. I sort of forgot to feel anything, really. 
I was just numb, going through the motions, living in 2 week increments, just kind of existing in a sense.  Pushing all those emotions and feelings away because maybe then they just wouldn’t exist. 
Except that didn’t work so well.
I forgot it was okay to FEEL.
So, if you are in this place -  don’t ignore your feelings– because it’s okay to feel, to be happy/angry/frustrated/whatever you want or need to be, to adjust to the (shitty) experience that is infertility.
And when friends and family make comments to you about your “situation” or how “at least you know you can get pregnant” or even that “maybe you should spend your money on adoption, that would be easier” and the generous comment about how they want to “share their fertility with you” – don’t forget – they mean well, they just have no clue what to say (or how stabby it makes you).
Don’t ignore your own needs– this is YOUR journey, YOUR story, YOUR experience and you need to do what is right and what makes sense for YOU.  It will be worth it in the end – whatever that means.
But most importantly if you are fighting the Bitch that is Infertility, don’t forget you are not alone.

Infertility Island

Have you ever experienced something that you can’t explain to someone despite your best effort?

Or something that anyone who hasn’t experienced it first hand can not possibly begin to understand?

That would be what infertility feels like.

And it makes you feel like, as a good friend described, like you’re on an island.  Not quite a deserted island, but an island with people who understand EXACTLY what you are going through.

Infertility Island.

It’s a place no one wants to visit, but the people that are on the island, at least in my experience, are some of the nicest women I have ever met.

Everyone on the island has a different experience (naturally) – some are childless, some like me – are suffering from secondary infertility, there are stories of adoption, treatments and everything in between. But the common thread on the island is the desire to build a family, and the inability to do so easily.

Infertility Island is full of the strongest women you have ever met.  There is no room for the weak stuff here – it’s all about the Survivor Mentality.  We are all fighting the same battle in our own way.  It’s nice to have people to talk to who know how you feel, what you mean and can offer the support that often times, no one else can.

And I swear, there is a section of the island just for husbands – where they can wait until we need their support. 

Because, at least in my experience, husbands don’t always quite “get it” – which is okay, considering as all of the STUFF isn’t happening to their body.  They don’t take the medicine, get the pleasure of the ultrasound wand, feel the pain or the heartache that comes approximately every 28 days to the same degree.  But they are there when we need them, on stand by, if you will  - to provide a shoulder for tears, arms for hugs, lips for supportive words (and kisses) and even when they don’t understand it all – ears for listening.  I don’t think (my) husband always knows how much it means to me when he just listens to me and lets me use his shoulder – I’m pretty strong but sometimes, I just need that extra support to keep me upright.

I don’t think anyone truly ever leaves and certainly never forgets what it was like to live on Infertility Island.  There are all kinds of bridges built to take us on and off the island, but I really just don’t think it’s a place we ever truly leave behind once we have been there.  It is an experience that shapes us, builds appreciation for what we have (or will have) in our lives, adds character and connects us to other women who will remain in our hearts forever. 

Infertility Island can be one SCARY place – a place of unknowns, confusion, infinite levels of frustration and sadness – but it can also be a place of strength, hope and love.

I hope with all my being that the population on Infertility Island stays at a minimum, but if you have to cross that bridge and visit – know you aren’t alone and that there are people here that will support you and hope for you when you don’t have the energy to do it yourself.

If you find yourself in this place – there are some excellent resources to check out – Bloggers For Hope - an outreach of Chance to Hope – a foundation built to offer financial help and resources to give couples a chance to build the family they hope for.  There is also Resolve – the national infertility association.

It’s Just a Gate

At church a few weeks ago a guest pastor was preaching and the whole background of his sermon was that life is full of gates.  Gates open and close.

Every challenge we face? It’s just a gate.

Sometimes the gate feels like it is 20 feet high and being held shut by the forces of 3000 men, but it is still JUST a gate.  It has to open.  The challenge or obstacle or whatever it is WILL end.

Unemployment? It was just a gate allowing me to finish my Masters with honors, spend much needed time with my daughter and that gate opened up to a really great job opportunity.

Financial struggles? They are just a gate into what we REALLY need in our lives.  Turns out it’s not much. 

Car trouble? Just a gate that stays shut long enough so I would slow down for a week.

Trouble conceiving? I know it is just a gate. And I know when it opens, the struggle will have been worth it. I HAVE to know that. I also HAVE to know that as much as I push, He will open it for me.  It’s pretty much the hardest thing for me to remember and believe, but I know it’s a pretty important thing. And the gate will open….  It WILL.

People coming in to and out of our lives? Gates to memories and experiences and lessons.

Everyone has their own gates to go through, to lean against, to push back on.  And they are always changing.  I sometimes just need to keep it all in perspective – while right now having trouble conceiving is my biggest source of stress and frustration – I know it’s not in my control and for once in a very, very, really super long time – this is the only big bad gate in my life. 

He has opened up everything else and poured so much happiness and success in to my life the past 4 months that sometimes I just have to sit back and remember where I was last year.  So many of those struggles are behind us and a new one is in our lives.

And I look at her face every day

and know that if He opened that gate to us once, surely He will do it again.  And I pray and hope for that every day.

It’s a Mental Journey

It has been 6 months since we actively started TTC for a second child. 

It has been about a year since I was mentally and emotionally ready to add to our family.  But life a year ago, was not at all ideal for TTC, so we did the mature thing and waited and I mentally planned.

So for that reason, it feels like this journey has been a lot longer than it actually has so far. 

I see friends with kids G’s age and I see those kids as big brothers/sisters (many 1, 2 or 3 times over by now) - I want to cry. I see and watch Gianna talk about babies, take care of “her” babies and the other night when she was reading a book and mentioned that the little girls in the book were “me and that’s my sista” – I almost lost my shit right there on the bedroom floor.  I want that so badly for her, for us.

Our first journey into TTC left us broken hearted for 8 months and on the 9th month – there was no fear when that positive test showed up on my bathroom counter. No question that the prize at the end would be in our arms 9 months later. And thankfully, that was the way it worked.

This time? I started out thinking that it could be a quick journey, but prepared for the long haul. Never ever imagining that a positive test would end with anything but a baby 9 months later.  There is no question that the 2 {early} miscarriages have left me thoroughly pissed the hell off jaded . It’s the slowest, most painful form of torture I have ever experienced.

Having to buy tampons every month makes me want to scream.  The neurotic thoughts that go through my head during the TWT [two weeks of torture] annoy me. Pregnancy announcements piss me off.  I hate feeling this way. 

TTC is a total mental game – stay positive, stay hopeful, don’t be angry – I think I need to give myself a break from the positive thoughts – allow myself to be mad for a minute.  Obviously, that’s not going to do any good in the end, but it might make me feel better for a second.

This is the second month of 25 day cycles with ovulation occurring somewhere between CD12 and 14.  I have tossed around the idea of temping for awhile, tomorrow I will start. Something seems a little off and it will at least be proactive.

Most days, it feels like no one understands where I am in this journey.  I get a lot of comments about how “it hasn’t been that long”, “just relax”, “it’ll happen eventually”, “at least you already have a child” – right, whatever, shut the hell up is kind of how I want to respond.  Usually I just kinda smile and nod with clinched teeth.  The mental journey has been longer than the physical one, making it all feel that much more difficult and unfair.

And yes, I thank God every single day for the blue-eyed, blonde haired beauty he has brought into my life and I pray so hard every single day that we can do it all again someday soon. I am trying so hard to hand it all over to Him, but that’s another mental journey.

Follow-Up

I saw a different doctor in the OB/GYN practice I go to last week. 

He talked to me with my clothes on, which was fantastic, about what has been going and what we can do next.

We decided to go ahead and run a repeat loss panel (blood work) and schedule a saline ultrasound to make sure there isn’t anything inappropriately growing in my uterus.

He also agreed to starting Progesterone suppositories with the next positive pregnancy test.  Or, more likely 5-7 days before expected CD1.

The ultrasound will be this week, I need to call and get it scheduled tomorrow since CD14 is Friday.  I’ll pick the progesterone up so I have it on hand probably next week

The appointment went exactly how I hoped that it would, I feel satisfied with things for the moment and will keep on keeping on until at least January.  We don’t have any IF coverage, should it come to that, so it’s not a road I care to travel down without just cause and exhaustion of every available resource. 

I am just praying for strength, for guidance, for acceptance and for a healthy baby to join our family sooner than later.  I am so thankful for my happy little family, but the whole just-beyond-my-reach feeling I have going on right now in regards to adding to our family has been a little overwhelming this week. 

Speaking of thankfulness, I am SO thankful for all of YOU – again, your comments/emails/tweets are so encouraging and uplifting.  And thankful for an understanding family and friends.  Support makes the tough things in life that much easier to digest.

I need your thoughts

Have you heard that we have been trying to add to our family? Probably, huh?

We thought we accomplished that goal this past week.

I felt like I was pregnant. The daily pregnancy tests were looking good. I was nervous after last month, but felt okay about the situation. I waited a week to call the doctor, even. We decided to tell our families on Saturday, because we STINK at keeping secrets.

And on Saturday afternoon, the spotting started. Followed by bleeding.

Confirmed Sunday as another early miscarriage.

I really don’t know what to think.  I am frustrated. And mad. And sad. And confused.

My initial thought is to make an appointment with my doctor to just talk things out.  But then I think, what is that going to accomplish?  At my annual, which was 2 weeks after the last miscarriage, this was how the conversation went with the midwife I usually see:

MW: “are you trying to get pregnant?”

Me: “yes…we actually had what seemed to be a chemical pregnancy this past month….”

MW: “oh, well, that happens sometimes”

Me: “um…..”

MW: “so, let me stick my hands in your vagina real quick so we can move on.”  “okay, all done, It took you awhile to get pregnant last time, right?”

Me: “9 months”

MW: “okay,well I bet you get pregnant when you are all relaxed on that fabulous vacation you have coming up”

Me: “right….”

I left feeling a little annoyed.  I know it’s not the biggest deal in the world, but it was the biggest deal in MY world.

What am I even going to say or ask when I go in this time?  “So it appears that I can get pregnant, however my uterus is revolting – can you help make it a happier place?”

We have been at this for 5 cycles since having my Mirena removed, which I know isn’t an exceptional period of time.  I don’t chart using BBT – but I do chart CM changes, use OPK’s and PreSeed.  I am feeling pretty helpless and that stinks.

Any advice on what to bring up at this WTF? appointment?

+/-

This isn’t the post I had hoped to be writing, but here I am.

A week ago I was feeling sick and decided to take a pregnancy test – I really don’t ever test early, but for some reason I felt like I had too.

And it was positive.

And I was SHOCKED. Mike was SO excited.

I was also pretty unsure, anxious almost, over it.  It seemed too easy this time.

On Monday I took 2 more tests – still positive. Still shocked. But feeling a little calmer.

Tuesday, same deal, I tested before I left for the airport and my lines all seemed to be getting a little darker.

I went about my business in Chicago that day, letting the whole situation sink in but still feeling a little uneasy for some reason.

I woke up on Wednesday and I knew something was not right.

To the bathroom I headed to deal with every pregnant woman’s worst nightmare – bleeding.

It continued and I just kind of went numb. I was alone and pretty confused as to what was going on. But I had a pretty good idea of what the outcome was going to be.

Thursday I knew what I had to do – I had to take a pregnancy test to confirm what I was fearing.

It was negative. I knew then, that it was a chemical pregnancy. And it was over.

No one except Mike knew about the pregnancy, so I felt even more lonely – I really didn’t want to tell my mom and sisters about it over the phone, it seemed silly since there really wasn’t much to be said at that point.

I fully realize that this is not the end of the world, and had I not been TTC I wouldn’t have even known what was going on.  I guess that’s the double-edged sword in this whole situation, huh?

Disappointed is probably the appropriate emotion here, not so much sadness (although there is a little of that). I know it’s not a huge deal and we will just keep on moving forward, but it still kind of sucks.

Someday Gianna will be able to wear the big sister shirt I ordered for her, just not this day.

And I am okay with that, because really, what other choice do I have? I am positive that day will come eventually.

TTC part 2, the impatient factor

We TTC for about 9 months before we got pregnant with Gianna. It sucked as much as one would imagine, but we had no idea how awesome the outcome would REALLY be, so while it DID feel like a long road, it wasn’t one that we necessarily were ready to race down.

This time? I know how awesome being a parent is and just want to do it again. Now.

I am feeling very impatient over the whole process. Maybe it’s because most of my good friends have recently (or will soon be) having new babies. Or because G interacts SO well with said new babies. Or who knows why, really – I just am! 

I am , however realistic and I didn’t think for a minute this would happen quickly, so far we’ve had 2 unsuccessful cycles which isn’t a big deal.

I feel like it took me those 2 cycles to dig out all the information about TTC I had stored in my brain somewhere – and last month I was in a different state than my husband when I ovulated [making this week’s BFN/AF visit not so damaging].  As much as I HATE the line “it happens for a reason”, I have to kind of lean on that right now for my own sanity.

Or at least use it to ease my growing impatience because in all reality – the past 2 months were not ideal in terms of conceiving. I have a better idea of my cycles post-mirena and feel more ready to actively TTC.  In other words, it’s time to get serious!

Gianna will be a great big sister some day, and as much as having another baby scares the shit out of me – it is starting to really excite me.

Praying for patience to carry me through this journey, as long as it takes, because I know no matter the path the prize at the end is better than I can even begin to imagine.

Just Relax “friends from the internet” Silent Auction

Well friends, it’s up and ready!
We are so incredibly humbled by the support we have received not only locally but from ALL.OVER.THE.WORLD. to pull this fundraiser together and in the items we have received to be auctioned off that evening.
Just like any good hostess, I want to make sure that ALL of the people who helped to make this event happen have a chance to get in on the fun.
Which is why we decided to open up a select number of items to an online silent auction (thank you, Ebay).
We have NINE awesome listings –
this is just one of them:

please check them out and read the descriptions – there are a few hidden surprises!
The auction is open RIGHT NOW - open for FIVE DAYS!

Now – get on over there and check it out! And pass it on!
Use seller ID JustRelaxOnline to see all the items in one place

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for all of your help, love, prayers, awesomeness and HUGE hearts – you are all amazing and loved.

Wordless Wednesday: Just Relax

I am planning a little fundraiser full-out grown up EVENT for my good friend Jen & her family, by now you have surely read about on here. Or at the very least noticed this button over here ------>.

To say I have been blown away by the support from the internet would be the biggest understatement of the year. You ALL have been amazing.

This is my office. Full of AWESOME!

Since you don’t all live here in good ol’ NEO and can’t attend The Event we didn’t want you to feel too left out.

We are going to be hosting a Just Relax “friends from the internet” Silent Auction* via Ebay. All auction proceeds will directly benefit the Knepper family.

The auction will begin on Monday July 18th & continue until Friday the 22nd – 5 days to get in on the action! There are going to be a limited number of items available, but we are doing our best to make them diverse.

Stay tuned and get your auction-face on!

*of course, even if you are local you can play along! Some items may be limited to US participants only for shipping purposes

Getting it out there

Do you ever experience something and just need time to processes that experience before you can make heads or tails of it?

I have been trying, taking little baby steps, to turn my heart over to Christ. I have always felt connected to Him, I grew up Catholic, but the relationship didn’t feel very functional, if that makes any sense at all.

Over the past 4 or 5 months, I have really felt a need and a want to explore and expand that part of my life. I am timid about it and that is getting me nowhere.

The other day I had to drive pretty far for a conference, I spent a good 5 hours in the car by myself. I do all my best reflecting in the car and something came over me that day. I prayed. Out loud. (I NEVER do this).

I poured out my wants, needs, fears, hopes, desires – all of it.

When I was done, I felt this –and I really don’t know how to describe it- feeling within me – within my heart. I knew what it was. It was Him showing me where He belongs – where he IS. It was a pretty comforting feeling, actually.

My biggest problem is that I am a CONTROL FREAK. I like to be in charge of everything – especially my life. Which is HUGELY stressful and frustrating, not nearly as rewarding of an experience as you might imagine (ha!).  I envy those who are so carefree and comfortable within the confines of their lives. Part of why I feel so, unsettled, is the job situation. But I DO have a job. I have THREE FOUR jobs, if we are counting. I am a wife. A mother. A writer. A Premier Designs jeweler.

For some reason, telling people about this job has been hard for me – I fear they will think, “She was supposed to be a doctor and now she sells jewelry?” or “don’t you have a masters degree ::eye roll::?”

But that is my own fear, and a really unrealistic one, if I am being totally honest with myself. Because this job – is full of so much JOY and HOPE and FUN! I make more money than I did working full time and work about 1/4 of the hours, it’s legit, I enjoy the women I see and the lives I have been able to enrich. I need to change my outlook on it – because it is meaningful and fruitful. And it brings me happiness and faith.

Sure, I want to USE the degree/s I have – that will come, I have to be confident in that as well.

I guess all of this is trying to say – This is SO hard for me, but I think I am ready to jump in with both feet – to really hand myself over to Him. I am willing to put in the work, the effort, the desire needed because I know the rewards will be endless. He will bless me, my family, my business – and He has – I only need to open my eyes to the future and the possibility. It’s scary and different, but I know it promises to be worth it.