Buried Alive

I can not believe how crazy things have been the past few weeks – so busy I haven’t had time to blog! Ridiculous!

Not a lot of time today either, but BIG things are coming. Stay tuned.

Until then here’s a quick bullet point list of excuses really really good reasons why i haven’t been as chatty lately:

• Last week of the semester. 1 paper and 2 finals to go. Then, I get a whole week off.
• I have been buried alive by the laundry in my house.
• OK, that is a lie, my husband was buried by the laundry and thank goodness he started to unbury himself today.
• I have an incredibly rowdy one year old on my hands.
• Seriously guys, she is constantly running all over the place like a little 19 pound tornado!
• Really, her favorite game is chase. I love the laughter it brings.
• Work has been ridiculous.  It has been keeping me busy, but also pissing me off beyond belief.  It is NOT where I want to be career wise and I am itching to get finished with school and moving upward professionally. Like, NOW!
• The BIG thing that is coming up has required LOTS Of time. But YAY! I promise – more will come.  And no, it is NOT a baby.
• Gianna likes milk. Milk does not like Gianna. Gianna also does not really like food – unless it’s fruit or a cracker.  I swear my life is revolves around what goes into her little mouth.
• I have a few posts up my sleeve that may or may not include: my sex life, winning the lottery, how to accelerate my career, wishing that I could blog write for a living, summer plans, more on Gianna’s eating woes, more on my eating woes and my addiction to oreos.

Ask & You Shall Receive

I asked for blogger questions in my last post.... so to the 2 people who asked something, thanks!

From Anon: when are you going to come visit your sister, brother in law and nephews that miss you???
: I promise to visit you and the dogs soon. Maybe next weekend or the weekend after.  I love you!

From Danifred: What would your dream house look like/ have?

 : I LOVE century homes. I would want to keep the built-ins and cool handcrafted features but modernize the rest of the house.  Huge outdoor living space including a balcony off our bedroom.  I also want a pool, hottub and cabana boy to take care of it. And, possibly someone to do the laundry for me.....

What do you think G will be when she grows up? Why?

 : Right now, I would say she is going to be a dancer.  She is ALWAYS in motion. Always dancing.  She'll have to work on her gracefullness a bit though....  Or, an engineer.  She is constantly trying to figure out how things work, where they go etc.

If you could have any job (regardless of talents) what would it be?
 : Party planner!  I love having parties, hosting large groups of people, being creative and making sure people have fun at a party they won't forget.  Of course, I would be using other people's $$ to provide them such awesomeness!  And. It would work pretty well with staying home.

Catching Up…. Again

• 2 more weeks of this semester. a few papers, presentations and finals in the way of my 2 week break before summer semester.  Shoot me now.
• BUT only 1 more year of school. (the benefit of a 2 year program, I am 1/2 way done!)
• I want a new job. A challenging one with good compensation. That gives me flexible hours. Surely that will come around sometime before hell freezes over, right?
• House hunting may be the one thing in life that I truly HATE.  I am frustrated, overwhelmed and want to sign a contract before the 30th to get my tax credit! Now – someone find me something nice, not in the ghetto that I can move right into. And afford.
• Clearly, I am quite the dreamer today based on my previous bullet points, so while we are at it, lets throw in a new summer wardrobe that fits and doesn’t leave me looking like I shit myself because my pants are too big in the ass.
• Gianna is the funniest little person these days. I love it. That giggle gets me every time!
• Gianna is also the sleepiest little person these days. Did anyone else’s child start to sleep MORE the older they got?
• My husband took the baby to the zoo (with her aunts) and took some great pictures. See:
• NOW! Since I am clearly a wealth of information these days and need any distraction possible to keep me from house hunting studying/paper writing – I want YOU my awesome, beautiful, skinny readers to ask me whatever you want!   Leave me a comment with a question and I promise, crossmyheart, to answer it!   Okay….readyset……GO!

Happy birth-a-day to YOU!

There was pretty decorations. Yummy food. Ice cream for everyone.

pretty much the cutest birthday girl ever. And a whole lot of sunshine. And PIGTAILS!

A mommy and daddy who love her lots.

Aunts, grandmas, grandpas and lots of friends too.
  
Singing!

A cake for picking sprinkles off eating.
 

Daddies for smooching.

Big girls to help open presents.

Then there was sleep.
And the official BIRTHDAY day.

Cool stuff from mommy and daddy.

And CLOTHES!!!! From lots of people that love you.
Those are the makings of a first birthday that will not be forgotten. One that was made with love, filled with laughter and captured forever by over 400 pictures.

It's either her or me: WINNER!!!

Annegirl is the winner!!!

Hopefully this will help control the yelling, yours of course.

Don't forget - you can get your own copy of It's Either Her or Me at Amazon.

Wordless Wednesday: Rainbow Smash Cake Edition

 

 

 

Where do we go from here?

I have been having a hard time with life lately. 

Not one thing in particular, just an in general frustration. 

If you have been reading over the past year or so, you will know this seems to be a recurring issue.  It gets better, and then not, and then better again, then really bad etc.  Nothing out of the usual for anyone’s life in general, really, but clearly I am not a great with uncertainty.

I was thinking about it tonight as I was finally showering at 10pm after a full day of doctor appointments, working, playing, running errands, class, house chores etc. 

This is not at all where I envisioned my life to be 5 years ago.

I was going to be a doctor. I was going to probably never have children.  I was going to live the life of a busy professional who traveled a lot with her husband!

That vision started changing right before I graduated from my undergraduate college.  I wasn’t sure on the doctor thing, but I was going to just go with it because that is what I was supposed to do.

And, I went with it. Did really great at it, except I didn’t.  I had to repeat my entire first year because I couldn’t figure out how to argue my way out of 1 wrong answer on 1 test so I would pass 1 class, when I had gotten at least a B in every other one.  I was done at that point.  But I listened to those around me and did it all over again.

I started blogging during my second (third) year when I was really hating school, not wanting to be a doctor and really just wanting to have a “regular” job, kids and a house with a white picket fence.  Had I stayed on track I would be graduating next month.  I don’t regret not finishing, I did something for myself and listened to my gut, for once.  I DO regret not listening to myself sooner thereby alleviating the ridiculous amount of debt I am now in.  But, it is what it is and I have to just take away the knowledge I gained and deal with the rest.

 

So, what gives?

 

If I knew the answer to that question, I wouldn’t be writing this.  I am working a job that I like, but I don’t see myself with this company for long because I need more of a challenge, I want to be in more of a leadership position that they can’t (won’t) provide.  I want to feel like I matter, like I am making a difference and being heard.

I may not be a doctor, but I am just as goal oriented as I ever have been.  To a fault, actually.  I always want more, always looking at the forest – a good view to have in public health, thankfully.  My plate is always overflowing and never has it given me a problem, except it is.

I am not sure what I want to be when I grow up, professionally speaking.  But it’ll come, this much I do know, I have a lot to learn and I am ok with that.

I am the only income for our family right now.  I always thought I would be the majority of our income, but never did I think I would be the only income.  I can’t explain the stress that comes with this, or the frustration, or the resentment.  There is no question that I will do anything that my family needs, sometimes though, I don’t know how I can make it through one more day of doing it all.

 

I do know what I want to be when I grow up, personally speaking.  I want to be a wife. a mommy. a sister. a daughter. a friend.  Yes, I am all of those right now, but some days it really doesn’t seem so.  Most days I am only one of those things, and that is a good day.  And that bothers me.  As much as I try to put my attention where it needs to go, when it needs to go there, I fail at it more. 

 

I am surrounded by people who love me, who have not always supported every decision I have made but always accepted them, who stand by me always.  Without them, I would be over my head instead of just up to my chin in crazy. 

 

It seems that the only way for me to get where I want is to take the mountain road, while I appreciate the lessons, sometimes I don’t. I want an easy button, or a snapshot into the future that will show me that this all really IS worth it and it really WILL pay off in the end.  Because what if it doesn’t?

A letter to my daughter: one year later

Dear Gianna -
To say you are the light of my life, would be an understatement.  When I wrote about the tiny dancer in my belly, I had no idea the beauty that you would bring.

When you finally arrived, and truly became the center of attention, I still had no way of knowing what that meant.

We made it, precious girl.  We made it through the sleepless nights, the reflux, the laundry.  We made it through the hard parts and ended up here.  Which is not so bad.  It is, in fact, perfect.

It’s been a year of exploring, learning, crying, laughing, smiling.



A year that was harder and more rewarding than any I have experienced to date.  One that you will only know through pictures, letters & stories but one that I will never ever forget.

Out of that year I have been rewarded with a happy, mischievous, lovingly adorable little bug.


One who walks all over and explores everything, a girl in constant motion.  Someone who falls down (a lot!), but always picks her self back up.  Has to have everything in organized disarray: if it should be in, you want it out. if it should be up, you want it down. if you should go around, you go through.  A smart cookie who can lose her binky in a mountain of toys but find it when she is ready for her nap.  Waves “hi” and “bye”.  Calls anything resembling a cat “ki ki”.  Knows her mom and dad. Gets really excited to see them.  Loves the water.  Understands a lot and can sign a few words.  Is a very picky eater. And drinker. But it’s ok because one of the calmest times of the day is when you sit and drink your bottle in the morning.  You love to snuggle when you are tired, when you grab your lovey and bury your face into my chest, we both take a deep breath and know it’s time for sleep.

 
You bring such joy and happiness to everyone you meet. It’s impossible not to smile when you are around.  This is a trait I hope you hang on to.  Smiles go a long way in life.


If the past year is a window into the future, I am blessed beyond words.  You are the reason I get up in the morning & smile throughout the day.  We try to enjoy every second, every tantrum, every smile, every giggle, every everything.  I can’t wait to experience all that lies ahead with you.

Happy 1st Birthday peanut.
Love you so very much,
Mom

Friday Night Leftovers

• Finally! I am a dinner guest :)
• I have been thoroughly annoyed at the lack of organization going on in my house.  I know we will be moving, sometime soon-ish so I never bothered to really let my organizational neuroses get the better of me because I have always known that this place was temporary.   Now it is getting the better of me and my not-so-great-memory.
• Speaking of organizational neuroses - I organize my daughters toys in her toy bins every single night. Plastic food in one bin.  Mail and various pieces parts to big toys in one bin.  Noise making toys in another.  I realize it is futile. But I do not care. It makes me feel better.
• Why has blogger been eating my published comments?  If you said something in last week, I promise you weren't rejected by me.  Blogger has other ideas, I guess.
• Speaking of blogger - don't forget to enter my book giveaway!  And don't forget to enter your extra entries!! 
• The big birthday party is TOMORROW!!! OH.EM.GEE. 
• Speaking of the big birthday party- I am looking forward to it.  We have adorable decorations, working on an adorable cake, yummy food, paired with a freaking cute birthday girl & great family/friends - I think it will be awesome.
• Speaking of birthdays - G shares a birthday with my now-ex-best-friend.  I thought this was going to be something very cool, and now, it just makes me sad/frustrated over the whole situation all over again. Blah.
• I am frustrated by things so easily at the moment, and that frustrates me. Such a terrible cycle to be in.

Wordless Wednesday: Easter Edition

she loved the bunny.

and the basket.

and seeing her baby friends at church.

she even loved cheesing it for the camera with her mom & dad.

 

but she REALLY loved that princess baby duck.

  

all on her second Easter, in her 51st week of life.

It’s either Her OR Me: Giveaway!!

Mothers In Law.

Not exactly the best friend to a lot of women.  Me included.

I try not to blog to much about my relationship with my in-laws out of respect for my husband.  It is a strained relationship, at best.   It wasn’t always that way,  there are a number of reasons that have accumulated over the years, not just one or two isolated events that have gotten us where we are now.
And then I had the opportunity to read this book by Ellie S. Fisher. This amazing, insightful book filled with “OH! That’s Me!” moments about the relationship between a daughter in law & her son’s mother.

As soon as I got the book, I turned to the contents to see what the book was all about.

And then immediately turned to the last chapter. The endgame: grandkids. 

There are so many parts of this book that resonated with me – this is the most pertinent at the moment.  My in-laws are CONVINCED I hate them.  I do not.  I do not agree with a lot of how they go about child-rearing (or grand-child rearing) or the strange way they interact with G.  And, if you have ever met me, you know that I am an emotions on the outside kind of person, which translates much harsher at times than I would ever intend for it too.  That is(one of)my issue.  I would NEVER, in a million years, prevent them from spending time with their granddaughter.  They just choose not to initiate that time, and then get upset that they don’t see her enough.  It’s a total catch-22.

I went through the rest of the book as well – it was an easy read packed with a lot of helpful information.

In Chapter 3, she talks about the relationship between all the women in a man’s life.  One topic she talked about was gift giving. 

Let me tell you a little story.  My mother-in-law is known for her quirky “crafty” gift ideas.  Sometimes, they are corny and fun.  Most of the time – they are corny and the butt of jokes between my husband & I.  Also? She tries to buy clothes.  And that never goes over well.  When i was pregnant she bought me the most, interesting, maternity clothes…..  And now? She buys G equally interesting clothes…..  She goes on & on about how adorable they are and they she shows me something denim & covered in appliquéd flowers. And I throw-up a little in my mouth while trying to figure out how to get rid of them.  I try to smile and I ALWAYS say thank  you.  But, it’s usually pretty clear when I don’t like something.  I suck at hiding my dislike of things.

Ellie talks about how to get a rocky relationship to a happy medium, and I plan on trying some of the tips she offers, especially when I need to word things in a more non-judgmental way.  I understand it is not good to say “stop following her around with a carpet square, she will be fine” or “dang, why does the house smell like dog pee every time we come over?!!”  and should probably say “if you give her some freedom she walks a lot better” when they chase after my very clumsy little bug or ask about a scented candle or something when the house is stinky.

One of my favorite parts of the book is at the end of each chapter she lists keepsakes on that topic.  Some of my favorites include:

His significant other earns first place or the game’s over – for everyone.
Love, love, love that birthday present
The guys significant other has some clout in making each mom – hers and his – feel a part of their life
A woman you view as a difficult mother-in-law may very well be viewed by your child as a loving grandmother.  And that is something for which to be truly grateful.

There are plenty more quirks about my mother in law and the relationship we have, but I want to hear about YOUR mother-in-law relationships.  Give me the nitty-gritty, good or bad. I want it all!  With the holiday this past weekend and G’s birthday coming up, you can be sure that I will have plenty of good stories.

And, if you leave me a comment with said mother-in-law dirt, you will be entered to WIN your very own copy of this fabulous book!


Extra Entries (be sure to leave a separate comment for each. it counts if you already do any of these things too!!):
Follow me on twitter

• Follow Ellie S. Fisher on twitter
• Become a fan of Ellie S. Fisher on Facebook
• Become a follower

Giveaway ends Wednesday April 14 11:49pm
Winner will be selected randomly & contacted via Email by Thursday April 15.

It’s Either Her or Me is available on Amazon.com & wherever books are sold.  Visit Ellie’s website, blog, twitter & facebook.

**It’s Either Her or Me was provided for me to review and giveaway by Random House Publishing Group.  All other content & opinions are my own.**

slumberland, where are you?

We have a great bedtime routine with Gianna.
She eats dinner, gets a bath on bath night, we read a book & off to slumberland she goes.
All before 7:30pm

It's painless and comforting.

Once she is in bed - it's a whirlwind of me trying to accomplish no less than 6hours worth of work before my brain shuts down starting at 10pm.

The whirlwind may contain: doing the dishes, making coffee/bottle for the next morning, picking up toys, doing laundry, reading articles, taking tests, writing papers, drinking wine, talking to my husband, watching tv.

Throw in paying bills, returning emails and phone calls, blogging, editing pictures and general dicking around on the internet.

That leaves little time to shower, breathe and wind down from the day.

I tend to want to head to slumberland much much before the days tasks are accomplished. 
This usually happens by about 9pm.  At which time I make such statements to my husband as "it is SO late. I can't believe I am still awake"  or "whooah, I have so much left to do but I am SO tired"  And by 11pm, when I am still trying to finish up the last few odds and ends on that days list, I am dreading getting up in the morning because it is SOOO late.

I try to make myself wrap it all up by 10pm so I can get to bed, talk to my husband and get to sleep before 11pm.

I have an earlier bedtime as an adult than I ever did as a teenager.  As a college student I would stay up bullshitting with my roomates studying for HOURS, get up for class in the morning and still feel somewhat human.  I wasn't even on the coffee back then, how did I ever make it?!!
If you asked me to stay up until 3am now, get up by 7am and act like I got 8 full hours of sleep I would tell you to screw yourself and pass the coffee, a blanket & a pillow.  Hell, being up until 11 and getting up for work in the morning sometimes makes feel like I am hungover simply from lack of sleep.  

How about you, well-rested, beautiful readers? Are you night owls or early birds? (for the record, I am a 10am-bird... I hate getting up early and I hate staying up late)