i sat down today b/c i felt like i should write something, but i don't know what to write *insert shocked look here* but i am gonna figure something out anyway...

it rained today.
on me.
that sucked.

my husband and i had an absolutly fabulous evening yesterday *wink wink*
and a pretty good one today so far (minus the winks).

i had a long talk with my mom this weekend about my plans for the year - she is less than happy about my decisions and is less than quiet about her feelings. I finally just told her how i felt, why i am doing this, and just hope that she understands a little bit more, even though I am fairly confident that she doesn't. Most people are very supportive, not to say she isn't, she is just trying to push me into something that i "have always wanted" [maybe or likely not]. She understands my point on some things, just not everything. It can get very frustrating when your own mother, who's opinion you value incredibly, doesn't want you to have the things in life you want at this moment --- baby, job, new career, regular life! I fully expect a not-so-anonyomous* comment from her over this too, but it's ok - even if we don't agree how i should spend my life, i love her anyway.

speaking of baby --- or rather TTC --- i guess this would be our TWW? i can't tell you i feel anything, i would be lying. mike made a comment about my boobs looking larger today - but w/e! i think my dear old friend is supposed to be here this weekend-ish, we will see her when she gets here i guess. It has been nice being so focused on everything else that I haven't thought much about what the old body is doing --- and i am sure i would have come up with a crazy made up twinge here or there to bitch about. the only good thing is, after almost NINE months of TTC (seems long to me) it's not getting old yet.... that seems good to me!

*speaking of anonymous comments, i keep getting them from someone out there and i don't know who you are... it's killing me! but i won't make you tell me who you are if you don't want too...yet!

a weekend of adventure

We did a lot this weekend - wedding showers, Mamma Mia!, fireworks, lots of shopping & cooking hiking - it's been pretty crazy since thursday. I don't have time to catch up on everything but the highlights since saturday:

We started off at the shower I have been planning for my most amazing mom. It turned out beautifully, everyone seemed to have a good time, my flowers all stayed alive and looked great, the food was good, the people were fun, the cake was awesome!

And I am pretty sure that Mom had a good time - the most important tid bit of all!

My beautiful family

The new extended version of my beautiful family

And on sunday - mike and i decided to explore nature. It didn't turn out exactly how we had anticipated [b/c i am the only adult woman besides my twin sister that i know who can not ride a bicycle...], but it was a good day regardless, and I got to take some pretty fun pictures.

Also - as an aside, on Thursday my friend who i talked about here, asked me (finally?!!) to be in her wedding! I am excited and glad to do it. It should be a good time, should be an even better time if I am pregnant by then! That makes 2 weddings for me next year, all before my anniversary. So about that job.... {she was also super super supportive of me about my decisions, like i knew she would be, and that was really really nice}

And last - thank you so much ICLW participants, you made my week last week!

outlook [and no i am not talking about your email]

i met with a really good friend today to discuss our futures - we are both in the same situation right now. almost. she is taking the test again in 3 weeks, that is the difference - i am so proud of her for doing it again so soon, it's draining to no end.

and then i talked to an equally good friend on the phone - she wants to make me comfort food. i would be silly not accept, no? she is a good cook! but she thinks i am amazing - i also would be silly not agree, no?!! ;)

remember how i said a few days ago that everyday i wake up and feel something different - today i felt defeated. that is ok. but i have to know that I did my best, tried my hardest and sometimes - it doesn't work out. TODAY I have to keep working hard - nothing can change the past - but only I can change the future. [unless you know of a go-back-in-time-machine, then lets chat] It is beyond frustrating to know that one day there was a perfectly laid plan, and in hours that plan got ran through the shredder. There are quite a few scary things left ahead of me: a mountain of student loans to pay off in the not so distent future, big career choices to make, personal satisfaction to answer to, that effin debt..... i know that it will all get taken care of, i don't really know how, but i am sure that it will. because i have to be, otherwise i would be a wreck. I guess that has always been how i looked at struggle - only one way up and no way down. I am a good emotions hider, but my outlook on this situation is still pretty rocky - the only thing for sure is - I need a job [for the loans...]

my good buddy jenm asked me what my degree is in - science. and what i have experience in - medicine. ok duh! and research, working with special needs children and adults, writing papers/grants, research. I am lucky that I worked and that I have experience - I hope that it takes me someplace unexpected!

realize

1 week from today my world went from all planned out to woah! where do we go from here?!! But, in the past 7 days I have realized a few things

• you can only cry so many tears in one day
• before the tears force you to look in the mirror and see who you really are [&/or that you are an ugly crier]
• people will support you and lift you up when you are at a low point, usually more than you expected them too
• getting opinions from others about your future can be good and bad, frustrating and uplifting.... you get the picture huh?
• my husband is my #1 cheerleader without a doubt


• when doors slam in front of you - you sometimes just have too look for the next open one
• i get bored even easier than i thought - and that makes me want to clean, which i hate
• when you haven't worked for a year - and have 1.5 degrees - finding a job is tricky
• i can still smile because even though life might not be going as planned, plenty of things are still going beautifully and i at the end of the day i am still me
  

rockin it out

that is what you are all doing blogging world - and i like it!



whoever said that comments are like virtual hugs - they are so incredibly right! i feel like i just got the biggest bear hug EVA! thanks much loves.



today - i had a job interview, kinda. it was at a temp agency that specializes in half doctors. ok, no. but they do specialize in placing individuals in the medical field. we'll see how that pans out - hopefully something will turn up, the women I spoke with seemed rather confident, although she referred to me as a "special case". whether special is good or bad, i am unsure.



every day when I wake up - I feel something new. today i felt hopeful, and then my phone rang and someone wanted to interview me. see how funny that is?

all i can do is my best, like always, and no matter where my best takes me, i think i will do great. adjusting is the hard part right now, but with all the support i have from [almost] everyone around me, i think i will just fine.

-------------------

oh ya, and the TTC process - i wouldn't say it's "on hold" but clearly other things are taking over on the priority ladder at the moment. when things settle down - we will be 'officially' back on the bandwagon, but if things work out in this dept in the mean time, no one will be disappointed that is for sure! [although no one is holding their breathe]

undetermined

as has been pretty obvious - life has not quite gone according to plan. story of my life.
one of those things i have been waiting for, the one that required hours upon hours of studying, that would be the one that did not end well. i would be lying if i said i wasn't upset. but i would also be lying if i said i wasn't maybe, a little bit, in some strange way, relieved.

i know you are thinking - WHAT? that makes zero sense.

explain: i had big reservations about going to medical school in the first place, but i went b/c i could and i thought it was the thing that would be best for me. When I had a small snafu in my first year of school and they wanted me to repeat that year - i didNOT want to do it, but everyone told me i should, that it would be best for me - so i did it. In January - I had a huge meltdown because I hated school, hated being there, hated being an unproductive part our marriage, hated everything about it and wanted to quit school - but everyone told me i couldn't quit (pattern?) and i didn't know what i was talking about. So, I sucked it up because that is what I was supposed to do. All the while not really knowing if that is what i wanted to be doing for me or if was doing it for everyone else.

Now - I am here... every successful step I took forward, 5 steps slammed backwards. A girl can only get beat down so many times before the bruises start to show. Are a few letters after your name worth the unhappiness, being miserable, literally hating where I am and what I am doing every.single.day? I am seriously doubting this. I know that I am smart and good at what I do - I also know that there are other career choice that will allow me to showcase these qualities, and one that has to make me happier and in a better place than where I am right now.

It has not all been terrible, there were times that I thought "yes - I want to do this,for sure" and i probably blogged about them. I mean who wouldn't want to be a Dr. if they could? but when I wrote it all down - pros v. cons - the cons really and truely won. So - the official decision for the moment - for anyone who cares - I am on an "official" leave of absence from school for the year. I am undecided if I am going to take this test again, I have months to decide (by Feb. to be exact) and a lot of ground to cover if I have any prayer of coming close to doing good enough to get a job when if I would finish school. [if i don't go back to medical school, i will go back to another school... just don't know which one yet]

For right now - I am looking into the job market. Anyone know a job for a 1/2 doctor?! No really - I am thankful that I am who I am, because I actually do have experience in different aspects of medicine which should help - and the fact that I worked through school. The hubs and I are debating on moving far away from home if the opportunity arises. Life has been flipped upside-down, why not turn it around somewhere fresh if we have the ability to do so?

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I am just waiting on the reason for this one, but I believe that there is a good one on the horizon.

Thank you again so much for all the support - I need it and I appreciate it!

not ready yet

i don't have the right words yet - but i want to say thank you. thank you. thank you.
the support you have shown over the past few days - is overwhelming and appreciated in so many ways.

and my 2 IRL bestfriends - are in fact the even better than i realized, they proved that to me yesterday. i love them.

right now, i feel more lost than i have in a long time. not in a bad way, just in a very confused way. i have a lot of things i need to do - but when your world goes from one way to the complete opposite in a matter of minutes - it does get complicated.

i should be back soon, i hope with some news that is good. or at least not shitty.

thank you all again.

time standing still

this in fact has been the worst day ever. ok, maybe not ever - but of the past 4 years - this is a true statement.

my husband left me a poem - this is my favorite part of it, and the part best suited.

-------------

taking baby steps in order to cope
and minute by minute you build your hope
build on your hope one day at a time
thought the road is steep and hard to climb

--------------

if you have been following, you can probably figure out what happened. comments are closed - when i am ready i will talk. if you have something really pressing - email me: amdd@neo.rr.com

thanks for the love.

shopaholic

I always love a good sale - and let me tell you, this weekend, totally on accident, I ended up with lots of good deals when the hubs and I went out shopping.

• 2 new pairs of shoes - $10 each
• lots of new things from express - 20% off the sale price [their editor pants are probably the best things ever made, and i got a pair for $22 - i always buy them at this, for this reason!]
• shoes for mike - $10 off b/c i went to a baseball game and they won!
• sheets and such from BBB - $25 off plus 20%.... i love their coupons so much - i have more stashed at my house and in my car than may be healthy
• a brand new Palm Treo 755 - free?!! [plus accessories, for less than the $50 i should have spent on the phone!] b/c i am awesome and i love verizon.... or the fact that it printed me out an extra rebate form. I think I will be able figure the phone out in about a week [month?!] or so - I only missed 4 calls yesterday.....

so it was a great shopping day - shopping is such a stress reliever for me [even though surprisingly i am relativly stress free at them moment, despite all the waiting] and sometmes like a game to see what kind of deals I can get!!

it was also a great day b/c i got to spend the whole day with Mike - not something we have been able to do in awhile with both of us being so busy.

-------

in case you were all wondering what we decided to do in the TTC area for this month (i know, you are dying to know) - I am not going to chart b/c my schedule is way too all over the place and I don't think that I could do it accuratly. SO - we are trying the preseed w/ OPK's - and mike is taking some vitamins (just a multivit really nothing special) mainly b/c i have been on him for a long time to take something in general, not as much for the babymaking business! We'll see how it goes, I think I should have enough 'supplies' for 2 months.

snippets

i have been a bad blogger, and a bad blogger friend lately - sorry.
but here is a quick rundown

• started at children's hospital this week for my "exploratory experience" [refuse to refer to myself as an 'M3' student yet, even if they changed my email already]
• decided that above mentioned hospital really, seriously needs to change their parking situation so that i don't need to get there 30min early to catch the shuttle bus to get from the parking lot to the main entrance....
• working on a research project that is quickly becoming a really big pain in the ass
• planning my mom's wedding shower for the end of the month
• trying to get my "muffin top" in shape - but i am tired, not unmotivated, just tired. ugh.
• enjoying the sunshine - lots. july is probably my favorite month of the whole year b/c its so stinking hot and sunny, if i could live in the pool - on a raft - and still accomplish everything i needed to, that would be fabulous
• reading books. as in for pleasure. not something i get to do often, but i do enjoy it. right now i have a fondness for Jennifer Weiner. I plan on getting Stephanie Klein's new book soon as well as a few others. [any suggestions?]
• having fun with the hubs!
• fixing holes my little sister makes in the garage floor.....
• trying to decide the next steps in our babymaking process - as in using vitamins, preseed, charting etc. [i realize it's "only" been 8 months, and that it takes an 'average' couple 6-12m to conceive - which was pointed out to me last month - thanks for the unnecessary knowledge boost that i really didn't need or want from you. or probably anyone. but damn, it doesn't hurt to try what's worked for others!]
• trying to keep my house clean and clothes washed..... unsuccessfully usually!!

so i think that covers the basics.... hopefully i will come up with a routine here soon and be around a little more

trickster

i have come to realize that i don't know how to "just relax" when it comes to this whole baby making process. i wish i did. i wish i was okay with it happening "whenever" - i mean i am, kinda. but i want our family to start now - soon - not later. i am ready. at least i think i am. and i think the more i tell myself "it's ok, next month...." the more my body thinks this is hilarious and just makes up all these ways to trick me. last month - it was with AF showing up an entire week late. sure, maybe it was stress, or late ovulation or whatever - but the truth is i don't give a shit why because i wasn't pregnant & it wasn't funny! This month - so far, i am 2 days late and honestly have been so busy that I haven't thought much about it - but i can tell you what has been happening for a few days that is obnoxious - i am bloated a ridiculous amount [abnormal, but AF is supposed to be here so no biggie?], cramps [again, AF is coming....] and now, the boobs. they are uncomfortable [abnormal AND annoying].
We went to a wedding last night - and i of course wanted to partake in the adult activities if possible, so I took the stupid test [pretty much against all better judgement] and it was of course negative.
*shocking*.
no.
i do not think i am pregnant - i do not have any "hope" or whatever you want to call it, I just want my stupid period to start so I can get on with my life! but i have a funny feeling we may be having a repeat of last month - lovely.
This is getting ridiculous, body - if there is no baby... ok - but can we just get back to normal? we used to have such a decent relationship before, so punctual and mutually respectful.

also, i wish when i told people "when it happens, it happens and we will be thrilled" - i really felt like that. because i don't. As each month passes, I feel almost a little bit desperate, defeated, that maybe my body is broken. But then i try to put on my happy "everything happens for a reason." and "it'll happen when it's our time" face, no matter how hard it is some days - because i know that those two things are the absolute truth - even if the truth in fact sucks sometimes. I accept it, I just am having a hard time dealing with it as time goes on.
Especially when my sweet husband tells me about how he dreamt of us having a son.....

Happy 4th of July!!

'07
'08have a great weekend everyone!!

list maker

when i get all stressed out and busy - i make lists.
when i have a lot on my plate - i make lists.
when i just have a lot to do - i make lists.
my lists have lists.



our house is peppered with post-it's [i should seriously purchase stock in them!] and little pieces of paper that have all kinds of lists and things scribbled on them. I get the greatest satisfaction in crossing things out that I have accomplished. You saw my study calendar - when I could put a big "X" through the end of the day, it was great! It makes me feel in control to be able to cross things out - i don't like to leave any list unaccomplished at the end of the day!


Here is where my problem is today: there are 2 things in my life at this exact moment that are on my list - pending if you will - and i have no ability to cross them off my list. One, of course is that test from last week - I have a few more weeks left until I find out if I passed or not. I just want it behind me, I want it off my list for good. This waiting, it is a killer. The other, clearly is the pregnancy thing. I have been waiting to see those two lines for almost seven months now, this one item has been on my life list for seven months "start family", which is definatly not a long time, but at times, it feels so very long. Today - dear AF should be here - although she is a little late in her arrival. Unlike last month, I am not concerned or anxious. I do not feel anything. I just want to cross this month off my list, like all the others, and move on to the next one.


So - while I wait to cross off those two things - I have new lists, new tasks and a lot to keep busy with. Don't let me fool you - I am scared to death over these test scores, and I am still a teensy bit hopeful that this could be our month - but not enough of either of these things to stop the rest of my life. I just want to know one way or the other, if only life were so simple!!

---------------

But on a lighter note - I wanted to share some pictures from our trip (i left my lists at home while we were gone!!)

up, up and away

but i'm back now.....

so the hubs and i decided we needed a break from real life on friday, and on sunday we left for floriday! it was really nice to get away for a few days and relax, play in the sun, forget about things and just breathe for a minute. we had some great conversation, lots of laughs [as usual!] and walked about 593327 miles around disney and sea world!* but it was a pretty nice get away.

i have a feeling however, from the phonecall that i had today, that i may be needing another vacay n a few weeks if ppl can't get their stories straight about where i am supposed to be and what i am supposed to be doing next week.... very annoying.

*maybe not the best places to go when TTC, but much fun regardless