Who wants to celebrate?

it's over!!
i did my best.

i learned........

1. i can stay in my house for more than 2 days in a row and not even notice
2. i can not put on "real clothes" for days.... and again, not even notice
3. the tan lines that are created from books resting on legs = not very attractive
4. ponytails everyday are not that good for your hair
5. looking at the computer for 8 or 9 or 10 hours a day really makes my eyes burn
6. the house can get mighty dirty after a few weeks of not cleaning
7. friends really do forget about you/what you are doing if you don't contact them for weeks [sorry guys - i'm back now]
8. i hate repetitive noises - ie: sawing, sandpaper,chainsaws....
9. i have more endurance than i thought
10. the support i have from my husband, family and friends is what got me through this month --- THANK YOU!!!!! [and i know you'll love me no matter what happens]

so, now we wait for the results. if i ever thought that the "TWW" [which i am also in] was torture - this i fear will be like pulling teeth [i have an irrational fear of the dentist] i have quite a few things going on that will hopefully keep me busy enough that i don't obsess, can't change anything now and i really feel like i did the best that i could. [good enough? lets hope!] but for the next few days i will be relaxing some and celebrating my "freedom"! speaking of celebrating --- visit mel and celebrate with her!!

Teaser Tuesday: One & Done edition

This is what i have been looking at for the past 20something days.....

let's hope that my new friend Kym's "one shot, one kill" test taking strategy will come in handy for me as well.
Thank you for the support & well wishes - i'm sneaking them into the testing room with me tomorrow!
And then... we can wait together for 3...or 4... or 6?![dear god i hope not] weeks until my score comes back.....

Game on.....

panic in the batcave

t minus 4 days. and i feel like i don't know anything all of a sudden.
fuck.
i should have never logged on to that site and seen that "score checker", proceeded to "check score" of practice test. no. i was happy thinking i was doing ok. now - panic. an intense amount of panic. a few deep breaths in between and a lot of decently productive studying - but mostly panic. If I hear "you're smart - you can do it" one more time, I might implode - or explode on whomever is unlucky enough to say that to me. I know I am smart enough, I just don't know if I am prepared enough - this is a different monster who keeps trying to freak me out everytime time i think i got it out from under my bed.

know what else? my computer is trying to self destruct. yup right now. as i am typing. suddenly it wants to infect itself with lots of shit just to piss me off and ensue more panic, because you know, all of what i need to do is on this thing.

so - when you are in a situation such as this blogger buddies - how do you deal? do you overcompensate and knock it out of the park, do you shut down, suppress your panic with cookies?

how many more days?

check ticker---->

days are dwindling until D-day (or T-day if you prefer) and my brain, it might be frying like an egg in the sun. it is seriously playing tricks on me. for example: i am now DREAMING about this damn test, as if it's not enough that i spend practically every waking moment preparing for it, it is now in my [precious] sleep - haunting me -last nights variety was something along the lines of me just sitting at the computer on test day and for all eight hours just staring at it, not clicking any buttons or anyting cuz i was so freaked out, followed by a lovely rendition of quizzing myself on pharmacuticals in my sleep?!! for the love of gawd!!

so ya, i think it needs to get here -- and be over. i'm feeling a little more than freaked out. i don't know if it's healthy "just enough anxiety to make me concentrate" freaked out or bad "i'm gonna skip over all the important words" freaked out. trying to make sure it's the first one - still steadly improving on my question bank everyday - i'm not shooting for the stars here, just shooting for a decent PASSING score!!

pesky

I have the peskiest neighborhood kids - and here are a few things I would like to tell their parents

• while I am glad your kids are playing outside instead of in front of the TV - it doesn't mean they need to scream like someone is cutting off their left freaking leg every five minutes. nope. it does not.
• you should teach them that when cars come - it means get the fuck out of the road [and don't throw shit at oncoming drivers]
• proper language for 5-10year olds should not include fuck, shit and damnit.
• again, the yelling - always YELLING I know you are outside, but i didn't know outside voices ment YELLING?! i know i'm not a parent - but damn, i'm a nanny and i sure as shit don't the kids i watch YELL the whole time they are outside playing....
• when a baby cries - you should not tell it to be quiet, or that "you make mommy mad when you cry" - baby does not care. BABY hello?!!

so ya, thats the klass that lives very near to me. recently i have felt the need to move. a change. maybe its the pesky neighbors, maybe i am just feeling cramped here [despite the ample space that we have] maybe its none of these things. maybe it's all of them and more.

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in other news - Jen is officially, and i quote "fucking pregnant"*! and I am way too excited for her and her husband. That quote sums up her experience to get here, and the happieness I am sure she is feeling now all in two words!! I however am feeling the burnout a little bit with the big test 9 days away. It's better now than it was a few days ago, I kind of had to ride it out and I think I am back on track again. I got really nervous today all of a sudden - like holy shit this is freaking for real next week! Still trucking along full speed ahead..... AANNDD in TTC news - there isn't much, just same old business, I'm thinking this week is O week, so you know what that means! Will update as needed :)

*and, b.c i am surrounded by superfertilewomen

- in the past 2 wks (maybe 2 1/2) FIVE add'l

women have told me they are pg! congrats but sheesh share the frickin water!

daddy day

i wished so much to make the husband a daddy by today - but, it didn't happen. we're ok, moving on - as he said to me today we are "trying to become a daddy on dad's day" - next best thing i guess?!

i know i have been doing a lot of picture posts lately, but this one is really important.

remember i told you my mom was getting married? well G. is her fiance, and he is the best step-dad anyone could ever ask for. the relationship we have is wonderful -more than I could ever imagine considering the ridiculous notions of a "father-daughter" relationship i had before i met him. I have learned so much from him, and mike even comments at times about how he hopes to be that kind of a father to our children. That is really saying something. He never stops working [literally], always is up for a good time and puts his family before anything else. This is just a small snipet of the amazingnly strong person he is, but I can't write it all here!

So thanks for coming into our lives G. - you mean more to me [and all of us] than I think you can even begin to understand.

blogosphere:inreallife

So, have you ever met anyone from a message board or a fellow blogger in real life? like for real?!! You know all these things about them and have probably seem all of these pictures from all kinds of personal moments in their lifes, but never seen them in the flesh. Weell, none of my "true" IRL friends blog, but many of my "internet" friends blog --- which makes them, what? my blogging friends?! When I first met them IRL, my mom especially though I was going to meet some super stalkers or something and gave me a really hard time about it, but now I think she is ok. Husband figured, they are women - what harm can they do besides chat your ear off?!!

here we are at xmas... you might recognize at least one famous face - like jen and then there's a few "new" bloggers: jill, shereen, kelly, kristie, stacy, tiffanie, and kristin - they are quite entertaining as well! and they are my friends, so i think they are pretty awesome....

here's a more recent picture of my IRL internet friends!

speaking of internet and friends, a few wks ago Alison at the baby crusade had this contest for her blogoversary and i won this awesome cd - it has some of my most favorite songs on it!! [how did you know?!]

meeting these ladies has been great - and i can't imagine not being friends with them now :)

have you become IRL friends with people you met through blogs or message boards? does your family think you're crazy for doing so?!!

bubbles

on my skin -- no literally. i wish i had a picture to show you.* ya really. on my arms, and my stomach and my legs now - they don't itch or anything - it's just wierd and i finally decided after the fourth day to go to the doctor and see if they knew why i had fluid filled bubbles only on the front part of only certain parts of my body.

so - i really hate being on this side of the door - you know, the patient side. like really hate it. i get all chatty and talk fast and sound unintelligent. but it came up that a) i am not on birth control anymore [it had been awhile... and my regular dr. was on vacation,so i had to see the NP] and b) we are TTC. and somewhere in the midst of the whole visit the lady thinks my rash could be pregnancy related, "b/c you get lots of strange things when you are pregnant" - i reassured that i was definatly not pregnant - but she had to "be sure". i am still not pregnant. DUH!

after she gives me a line of BS about the bubbles - stay out of the sun and use some cream - ya oook. [i tried that already, and i told her that] she goes on to say - "you really should probably not worry about having a baby you know. you are busy and you will probably just get pregnant when you aren't so stressed out and relaxed." i just gave her a wierd half smile. then the NPstudent that was with said "ya, you know, everyone seems to get pregnant when they least expect it" I just said "well, you know, my life is always going to be a little stressful" and left.

It was an ambush!! and i feel no better about the bubbles.... I wish i could have seen my real doctor today, doctor's don't need vacations... ;)

*i can't seem to get a good one, it's not like i haven't tried!

Rollin....

with my homies.
or with the punches.
you pick......

today - i pick punches. I feel like I have been a really great "roller" lately - a lot of crazy things have been going on emotionally, life wise, career and family wise this past 5 or 6 weeks and I have tried my best to deal with it and just kind of roll with the punches as they say. [really, again with these *they* ppl, i'm gonna have to meet *them* someday!] But I am feeling very.... stretched to the limit lately - I'm trying my best not to feel that way - but we all know it's nearly impossible to 'not' feel something.
What is going on you ask - well just a little smattering for you
~the TTC progress = slooowww. while (almost) everyone that I know IRL who has ever TTC has concieved in oh, a month? no, seriously. everyone except my mom - promising for me? its looking like not? is it fun to see what may be described as unfit parents walking around with many children treating them poorly while my husband and I have yet to concieve one that will be treated wonderfuly? nope. and those friends with kids i have...most of them are onto their 2nd or 3rd pregnancy right now - i could never be less than happy for someone who was expecting, but it doesn't me i'm not a little bit frustrated that it isn't us. is it fair we have done things in the "appropriate" order* but again, this one thing has yet to fall into place? probably not - but we have lots of hope that one day it will - we're not jaded.yet. i often feel a little out of place talking about it, b/c we aren't "infertile" or doing any treatments - we are just "slow" i guess - but i have 1 IRL who really understands - and then theres the blogosphere. so, blogosphere thanks for listening to me!
~career = clearly this big test. 2 weeks from today guys. am i ready? 1/2 way - but that's ok right since i am only 1/2 way there!?! oh i just want my life back.... it is so NOT fun to study all fucking day long and still feel like you have more left to do - but only b/c you have like 23497 things left to cram into your head! And... in less than a month I will be in the hospital working, with patients like a real almost doctor! i am pretty excited about that idea.... and equally nervous scared - but not thinking about it until 2 weeks from tomorrow! it just leaves a lot of paperwork for me to do in about 2 days!
~family = changing. why? well, my mama is getting married in a few months! yay! i love her fiance like he was my own dad. it's so awesome and they are so happy. on a less enthusiastic note - some "astranged" family member of mine would like to become more involved in my life and I can't decide how I feel about it. and I am not ready to decide right now. (at least not in the next 2 weeks.) I am a big person for 2nd chances - but this time, I am not so sure, it's a very different and difficult situation that would take days to explain. it just keeps me thinking - when i really need to focus on other things.

so, that is a very, very small tidbit of what runs through my mind almost daily when i am not filling it with medical things. needless to say i am one of THE most abscent minded people i know right now - so i am sorry if i haven't called or written or if i have forgotten your name (i forget mine sometimes too) but i hope i am back to normal in a few weeks! thanks for hanging with me.

*please note that i am not saying anything bad about single mothers - my best friend is a single mom, and the best one i know. life happens, and when you can make the most out of something you weren't (or were!) expecting - that's when you come out on top

teaser tuesday

so as I was browsing baby-amore's blog I saw she did this really cool meme and I wanted to do it too (follower and all...)

so here it is:

you can do it too:

1. go to Flikr and search each of the answers to the questions below

2. use only the first page of results and pick an image

3. enter the url for that image into Big Huge Lab's Mosaic Maker* - then put that onto your blog like I did so everyone can see! It's super easy :)

Now for the questions:

1. What is your first name?

2. What is your favorite food? right now?

3. What high school did you go to?

4. What is your favorite color?

5. Who is your celebrity crush?

6. What is your favourite drink?

7. What is your dream vacation?

8. What is your favourite dessert?

9. What do you want to be when you grow up?

10. What do you love most in life?

11. What is one word that describes you?

12. What is your flickr name?

[i edited some of these to make them work for me, do what you want to make it work for you!]

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As a little added bonus today - I wanted to share this with you:

What is this box of goodies you ask? It is a box that we sent to our good friend who is serving overseas right now & doing lots of wonderful things to help our country. We had to send him a little love from the US before he gets to come home on leave next month. I just wanted to send out some appreciation to all the men and women and their SO's & families/friends who are standing by their sides during this time! WE APPRECIATE YOU!

*don't be scared.. it's really easy, user friendly and really really cool!

tell me why

Why do you blog?

This is what someone asked me the other day - so I figured I would answer - on my blog of course!

I do it for me. It's mostly just to 'get it all out' when I am having a bad day or a great day, I usually don't have anything to say if I am just an 'ok' day. To share my experiences in life, whether that be in TTC, this whole MD buisness, my marriage, family issues, random happenings - chances are someone else in the blogosphere has experienced soemthing similar, and my future self will want to remember this all one day.
I have always been better with the written word, and especially if I am feeling 'moved' by something, I usually have something to say about it, so here it is - somebody else might as well enjoy it.
Something else I really don't like doing - is talking on the phone - so this way all of my loves can just log on and read about my crazy life rather calling me! Makes perfect sense to me.
Most of all though - it's just like why anyone else writes, it's an outlet - like free therapy - it makes me feel better when I am feeling crappy, i smile when people leave comments, i really enjoy putting my thoughts on the page even if noone reads them (but i am glad people do!).

So - why do you do blog?

about the shoes

Once upon a time there was a girl who loved her shoes very much. So much in fact that she took up every closet in the house and her husband had no room to put his shoes.

[please note.. this is only 1/3 of 1 closet and does not include the floor]

EXHIBIT A

She loved her shoes so much that she wanted to show them off at any chance she had.

She got shoes for christmas from her wonderful husband! [He picked them all on his own. I do love them.]

She found shoes on sale, at bargain prices that matched everything in her wardrobe! Every woman needs red shoes. and this shoe lover just happen to have needed 2 pairs of red shoes.....
A good pair (or 4?!!) of brown shoes is important to every good collection of course! These happen to come from Tar'get last fall.Sometimes the old toes need a break, but they must always look stylish while comfortable yes? (and these look awesome with a jean skirt btw!)
But as much as she loves her shoes - her favorite way to walk around without a doubt is like this.......

The End

Part 2

Remember this post? I realize you have all been on the edge of your seat for the sequel so here ya go!!

Officially Unofficial Top 10 Things I Hate to Hate

10. Laundry - such a necessity in life, but really I do not like doing it. especially switching loads.

9. My Glasses - worn them for my entire life (since I was 3), can't live w/o them, but really wish I didn't need them...

8. Wearing shoes - i love bare feet... dangerous at times!

7. Studying - clearing a necessity in my life, but obvious why I hate it.

6. Fans - not a fan of things blowing on me no matter how hot I am. I know this is strange.

5. Water in my face - see this may not sound like a big deal, but that means I hate washing my face, my hair etc - but don't worry I do all of these things regularly, I just do them quickly!

4. Baths - I despise baths/bathtubs/the idea of sitting in my own dirt - no matter how relaxing they may appear, I can not get over dirt thing....

3. Pizza - do not like it. not at all. but it makes it difficult when everyone around you wants to order out and you are left with nothing to eat... ah well, at least I'm saved from the calories I guess.

2. Driving - really, one of my least favorite things to do - I'm a good driver, I would just rather not do it.

1. Cuddling - I honestly do not like it... not at all! I may not be entirely female?

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and for those who LOVE a contest these fabulous ladies

are offering up the best one I have seen in days! Go here to check it out & enter - ends tomorrow!

and the wait is over

b/c AF finally showed her face this morning. & I didn't even have to get stuck with a needle!

i'm not even mad [considering i wasn't hopeful to begin with].

just glad to know something! and to be able to move on to next month.

all of the advice/support/comments helped alot :)

what gives?

that is the question of the day.

i got another BFN today* - i'm 21dpo....1week late (so CD35 of 28) and hella confused by my body! Really, I don't know what if feels like to be pregnant - so how would i know if i am or not?! Since the tests keep saying NO! I am inclined to think they are right. I should probably suck it up and get a blood test done so that I know for sure - but I am maybe a little bit scared to do this. Really, I have no reason to be, I don't ever expect a positive test and i certainly wouldn't expect my blood to show something that my pee doesn't - but "they" say it can happen sometimes. Who are "they"anyway?!!

I also can.not concentrate the past two days - what the heck!! I just want to go back to sleep, like every hour. Clearly I can't do that or I would be getting nowhere fast. Poor husband, all he hears from me is "i need a nap"! studying for 7hrs a day really takes a lot out of a person i guess....

ohh one more thing - make sure you stop and keep Jen company the next week and half... she needs some good vibes :)

*thank you everyone for your good vibes and positive attitudes. i appreciate it SO much!

tuesday teaser

so, being inspired my friend DC's wedding picture post - I thought I would show you all my pride and joy....



Our Graphi wedding album. I know the picture does not really do it justice, but the metal cover... the metallic pages.... the vibrant colors... and the beautiful people in the pictures! I can't say enough about how much i love this thing and if i didn't have it to look at all the time [yes i do look at] i would be so sad.... I wish I could have one made for every special occassion!

I am so in love with our wedding pictures that I often look at them when I am bored. We have still yet to decide on a 'big print' to get - but we'll get there!

We also had TTD (trash the dress) pictures taken last summer - and that was a blast. I think everyone should do it!!


oh ya, and that news you are all wondering about... the tests are in the house - still holding out until Wed though!