the other side of adulthood

So, when you are a kid you have lots of best friends, right?  Like one a day or something, if I recall. 

Then you get into middle school and have only one new best friend a week.

And in high school, maybe you can keep the same best friend for a while? Or maybe not.  But the ones you keep are usually pretty sweet and stay for a long long time.

I am lucky – I have one best friend from when I was FIVE! I am sure we were best friends and best enemies weekly for a long stretch there, but now, we are good.  We don’t talk much anymore what with stupid grown up shit in the way, but I know I can trust her and talk to her anytime I want to or need to. 

There is also the best friend I have had since birth. And the other one I have had since she was birthed.  My sisters and I are closer than close. I love them. I trust them. My life would literally crumble without them.

So, aside from those 3 people (and my husband, who is also a bestie), I have few people I consider real “best” friends.  I have lots of friends who I love and hang out with, but we haven’t gotten to the “life trusting” stage yet.

I had one person I was very close to, who disagreed with a decision I made in my life, and we just kind of stopped being friends. Until recently, we talk now but I haven’t actually seen her in YEARS!  We both grew a lot in our time “apart” and it is really nice having her in my life again, even if it is in a long distance type of way.

I also had 2 BFF’s, since high school.  One moved to Florida, but she is definitely still a BFF!  We are both not phone people, so we text and email and again – if she needs anything or vice versa, just consider it done.  I love her to pieces.  And it totally sucks that she moved far from me, but is totally sweet because HELLO? Florida vacay anyone?

The other BFF? Things happened, trust was broken, friendship ended. Which is really sucky because her daughter happens to be our goddaughter.  Seriously, when things went south between us, it felt like I was getting a divorce. I still miss her and I miss her daughter like crazy.  It’s hard to be so close to someone and trust them wholly (maybe that is a bad idea?) and then *poof* be mad at them forever and ever and never think of them again.  I can’t do that. I have no room in my life for drama or ridiculous behavior, but also? I am a forgiver by nature.  I always think “maybe I can just try to forgive the situation and we can still be friends” but I am not a forgetter.  So, really, it probably wouldn’t work out too wonderfully.  I recently emailed this friend to check on her daughter and just say hi, thinking of her etc.  I found myself wanting to open up and share what has been going on in our lives (hello! we were BFF’s for like 7 years or something who talked every day) but I held back.  Trying to just make it about the kids. (see? it IS like we got divorced. except I was denied visitation) .  Such an awkward and shitty situation to be in – and honestly, I have yet to see the “reason” (at least in respect to our friendship) behind what happened here, so that makes me just that much more frustrated by the whole sitch.

I don’t like this part of adulthood. The part where things can hurt you so badly that you can never go back.  Back in the day if she would have stolen my gummy bears, I would have written her a mean note, we would have hugged kissed and made up in all of 15 minutes.  Now? Not so much. I mean I can still write a mean note but who cares?  I can’t forget the things that have happened/been said, so I have to move forward.  So I will continue to mourn the friendship that is over, hope for better things in the future and that is pretty  much that.

It’s just hard to “start over” with friendships in your 20’s since most people are not restricted by 7pm bedtimes and temper tantrums.